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Oliver lie chained on his side, shivering, shaking, his very core temperature low enough he ached from the bitter cold as he lie wet in Ra's dungeon.
Ra's had not won but the odds were in his favor, for the man knew his weakness, his Achilles' heel, and had bid his time to use her against him.
First had come the hated words, "Dead, Oliver Queen is dead. He is forgotten. You are Al Sal-Him," screamed in his brain. The hood came and went, light and darkness, sometimes hands choked him until he pasted out.
Cold water woke him if he managed to sleep but the man who'd once been his friend demanded, "Embrace the words. Give her up. If you don't give her up you will die. She is no more. Oliver Queen is dead. Say the words."
"No, damn you, I won't."
"You will. Do you want her to die?"
"NO!"
"She's gone either way. You give her up or the league will KILL her. Someone will slit her throat and leave her to bleed out on the sidewalk."
"I'll kill you."
"You can't kill us all. Listen to me, she'll die if you don't let her go. She is NO MORE. CHOOSE! Her LIFE or her DEATH. CHOOSE NOW!"
He said the damn words as his head pounded and his gut burnt.
"Oliver Queen is dead. He is forgotten. I am Al Sal-Him."
He'd protected her by letting her go.
Jesus, his heart hurt but his mind blanked, knowing he had to do this.
Erasing her, he shut the door in his mind, and she was forgotten, her name and her love lost to him.
He didn't deserve her anyway.
And his heart iced over.
A killing machine emerged as the darkness entered his soul, and he embraced it like the old friend it was.
This was him, the real him.
Al Sal-Him stood alone dressed in midnight black, all but his eyes covered in league armor. He looked in the mirror, his back on fire from the brand that had yet to heal.
Still, the man who loved her, the man buried deep inside, the man called Oliver, wanted her, remembered her name, and he taunted Al Sal-Him, until, the man hidden inside erupted.
"No, I know her name. She loves me, and I love her. My name is OLIVER QUEEN."
He screamed the words in his mind, as he jerked straight up, awake and lost without her, as his stomach plummeted and his throat closed up.
Gasping, fighting the dream, fighting the heart wrenching ache of not knowing her name, and fighting to find reality, his breath coming in hard pants, as his heart pumped like he'd run a seven minute mile.
Felicity muttered in her sleep and moved closer to him, but thankfully she didn't wake up. Slowly, he returned to reality, and lie back down, staying still in the darkness. Moving, he wrapped his large frame around her, holding her loosely to him, while pressing his nose into her bare neck, breathing in her scent. He breathed in through his nose and out through his nose to create a back pressure to draw more oxygen into his blood stream as his brain worked to reason his way away from the terrible nightmare.
He needed NOW as his heart pounded and he reassured himself it was a dream, and he was not THERE. Ra's lay dead at his hand. Felicity laid alive and safe right beside him.
Gasping, he concentrated, slowing his fast heartbeat, his hard breaths, and focused on being here, not there, as he lay quietly so not to awaken her with his nightmare, something he'd done repeatedly since they'd left Starling City.
The dreams, the nightmares, and the loss of control embarrassed him, and he hated waking her up, with his dreams. Their first fight had been after a week of sleeping together. She'd caught him sneaking out of their bed, carrying his pillow, leaving her to sleep alone.
His excuse that he'd bother her with his restless nightmares infuriated her beyond belief. He'd never seen her madder. She'd been livid, and didn't care when he'd explain to her he'd slept more with her in his arms than he had in years.
"Damn you, I don't want to sleep alone anymore. I want to sleep with you."
She'd screamed at him, incredibly furious at him. Even after he'd explained, he knew he scared her at night in his panic, even after he'd told her he was protecting her again, this time from him, she'd exploded.
BOOM, EXPLODED.
Like threw her pillow at his head and yeah, he'd caught it, but she still threw the darn thing.
Yes, his good natured Felicity turned into a roaring dragon. She'd called him selfish among other unkind names for trying to leave her alone again, screamed about her abandonment issues, and warned him to never leave her again. She'd had enough of him leaving her and had been crystal clear about her expectations.
He belonged to HER, and he would sleep with her.
She'd actually screamed at him the words, "Seriously, Oliver, in the words of my mother, I need you to shit or get off the pot. Either you be all in or get all out. MAKE A FRACKING CHOICE!"
And yeah, he'd seen angry Felicity before but nothing like fuming mad Felicity.
She'd made her point loud and clear she knew he had nightmares, and he could stop trying to protect her from the person him was or else. Then she'd kissed him and pushed him hard against the bed and showed him she how much loved him, and he'd slept the rest of the night spent, totally sexed out.
Who knew she did that to him?
But it only took one look from her, a touch or a word and his blood boiled and que the horny teenager in him, raging hard on and all.
WOW and then that would happen again, and he loved when that happened with her.
And if he wanted it to continue to happen, no matter how much he wanted to get up, he'd learnt his lesson. He'd stay put and wait. Dawn would break soon.
Living a normal life was harder than he thought it would be. He thought he knew her, but he found that you don't know a person until you live with them a few weeks.
She liked ketchup and salt on everything and hated sour cream.
How could you hate sour cream?
The only fruit the woman ate had lots of sugar in it, came out of a jar, or was surrounding by ice cream. She preferred her strawberries in jam and on buttered toast. Oh and cherries were good covered in chocolate. And she's never met an apple she liked.
She ate her chili with one layer of salt after the other and refused to eat more than four crackers she ate quickly and never allowed to be soggy. It was a carb and a crisp thing, she'd told him. And when she said it, he'd smiled.
What a quirk?
Yet she possessed the true gift of being able to make him smile. And he'd not spent much time smiling in the last few years.
He teased her about her future high blood pressure problems.
She teased him about how he spaced his food out evenly and the fact he ate in a circle, taking one bite from each thing on his plate, before starting over again.
Okay he liked everything to work out even.
"It's a control thing." She's replied.
He left the lid off the toothpaste, which irritated her, drove her a bit crazy, and she flossed more than any one person could or maybe should.
"Spend some time in braces, and you'll take better care of your teeth." And she'd flashed her beautiful smile at him.
And she drank out of the milk and the juice carton, and he never drank after anyone ever, to which she'd replied, "You won't drink after me, but we swap spit when you kiss me and both of us have done more than kiss on the mouth, think about it, and that's okay?"
He'd choked on his coffee, thinking about all the places his mouth had been on her body.
Speaking of coffee, she lived on coffee for breakfast, and he wanted real food, bacon and eggs and the works, real food.
She and cooking didn't belong in the same kitchen, and she could trash the kitchen in nine point two seconds in an attempt to cook, while she burnt the toast.
Quickly, he'd decided he'd cook if they ate in, which he done every chance he'd had, since he liked cooking her meals. The furnished full kitchen was one of the perks of this cottage they'd rented. He'd cooked almost every night the last week and there was something about creating the food she ate and enjoyed that pleased him deep inside.
He liked showers, and she preferred a bath. However he hoped to sway her soon and talk her into taking a long shower with him.
His dick twitched again but he ignored it.
She liked top 40's, Pop music and rap.
He hated rap with a passion, a real passion, but he loved her with a real passion too, therefore, he accepted her crazy loud, ANNOYING, think I'll run the beach if your listening to that, music.
He had OCD when it came to how he wanted his clothes folded.
"Okay." She'd dropped his clean clothes on the bed with a smirk. "Fold them yourself and they'll be done right. Problem solved."
She given him a thumb's up and walked out of the bedroom.
And he'd watched her ass on her way out laughing.
Alright, he liked things kept neat and she didn't.
She left her clothes on the floor at night and sometimes, not always, picked them up the next morning, and the list of what she did to make him crazy grew every day.
Is that hard to put your glass or plate in the dishwasher and not in the sink?
Or she would leave it where ever she finished with it.
At least she didn't drink her milk in a glass.
Candy bar wrappers belong in the trash right? Not on the table, or the bed stand or coffee table or floor.
She left her tablet and phone chargers plugged in at all times and everyone knew they were electric vampires, who sucked power even when a device wasn't attached.
But she believed in recycling.
Go figure?
Some days he didn't know if he would or could survive being in love with her because she made him bat shit crazy.
However, some parts of living together a somewhat normal life were rewarding.
Unable to sleep, his mind spinning, he propped his head up with his fist and watched her sleep in the pale sunrise, and yes, he admitted, this part of normal had rewards. The dream mainly gone, he lay content and watched her, listened to her breathe slowly in and out with her back to his chest, as they spooned in the bed, and he filed the memory away.
He found it unbelievably strange to lie here and feel happy, incredibly happy, especially as he stared at an unsure future with nothing to do and the constant threat of their relationship not working out.
As a man who normally had a plan, this unsure life with Felicity was a landmine field waiting to blow up in his face. Yet, he foolishly got up every morning and took another step while he waited for everything to blow up.
God, she made him insane, and he made her exceedingly crazy in return, and why would he think he could make this choice to go away with her and all their problems would magically disappear?
What did he think would happen?
They would drive off into the sunset and live happily ever after?
What the hell had he been thinking?
The relationship fresh and new, aimlessly, they'd traveled together down the coast. Wandering freely, escaping into the unknown like his dream, only better because now he never woke up and when he did wake in the morning it was real. They ate when they were hungry and stopped when something of interest popped up, which meant they'd had a lot of sex, since both of them couldn't keep their hands to their self.
Yet, the problems still lurked and damn, how stupid could he be?
He didn't know how to be happy with her or without her. They couldn't talk without him shutting down. Okay, loved her but even if he found he couldn't wipe the silly grin off his face, he wasn't going to share what had happened to him.
His secrets were his alone.
Those thoughts wiped the smile from his face.
How much more time did he have before she left him?
This life was surreal, and he knew didn't deserve her.
And, he and her were absurdly adrift, with no direction and facing the unknown. Not unlike when he'd been adrift in the lifeboat before he arrived at the island. His entire life changed the moment his feet hit the sand on the island, and again the moment he'd gotten in the car with her, only this time for the better since he'd gotten Felicity.
However, it was odd, strange, not to have a direction, a goal or even an enemy to fight against, and he couldn't help he looked over his shoulder, expecting danger to crop up at any moment, still intent that nothing would ever happen to Felicity. He'd brought two EpiPens for her peanut allergy, for goodness sake. And they were safe, since Merlyn led the league, but old habits die hard.
He pushed the thought of Merlyn away knowing he was still lying to her, still keeping things from her. Merlyn being head of the league for one, and he had a feeling he hadn't seen angry until she figured out the deal he'd made for Merlyn's assistance with Ra's included handing the league over. But he'd deal with that later, okay, when she figured it out most likely, and he'd deal with the fallout. God help him.
Her hand moved and cupped his hand, and he smiled knowing Felicity was as lost in this strange world called normal life as he was. Like him, she had no direction, with no computer problems to fix, no code to write and no computers to hack. She and he were adrift in this unknown life now, and she'd taken a huge leap of faith to leave her life and come with him.
Jesus, he loved her for leaving with him, even after all times he'd hurt her by not choosing her, the lack of the trust concerning Ra's, and the countless lies and secrets still between them, but she'd still got in that car and left with him.
And she'd even stayed with him after John called her with the bad news that Palmer had blown the top floors of Palmer Industries up and was missing. They still hadn't found Ray's body or that suit of his.
Fear had gripped him, knowing she'd wanted to go home. He'd even offered to take her home after John's call, but she'd decided they'd wait for more information before they returned to Starling City.
He'd been relieved she hadn't wanted to go back. Not that he'd shared that news with her. Nor had he shared that he wasn't sure he'd ever want to return, and if he did would he ever have the courage to leave again?
He didn't know and didn't want to find out.
But he did know it'd be easy to go back to chasing the bad guys to deal with his still burning rage, and might lose Felicity if he made that choice.
So, no, he never wanted to return.
She sighed in her sleep, and he brushed a small kiss to her hair and inhaled her scent and contentment filled him. No, as strange as normal was, he wanted normal desperately.
She snuggled closer to him, and he hardened. Needing a distraction, he searched his brain for the name of the town they were staying in. They were somewhere on the Texas coast. She'd found them a tiny house to rent right on the gulf, near a small town, where no one knew his name or cared about the league or Starling City.
They'd been in this house over a week, and even though he liked the traveling part of their new life, he was happy to stop for a while and enjoy the strange peace of trying to live together.
Stroking her hair carefully, he wanted to wake her, but he refrained. Instead, he wondered how she could fit next to his body perfectly and feel right. With his large body and her tiny one, the way they fit together amazed him, but damn she completed him for some reason.
He'd spent years looking at her with quick glances and long stares when she wasn't watching, and she'd turned him on to the point of distraction. Rising higher up on his elbow, he looked at her face, staring without guile and it almost made him high as he drank her beauty in.
She said she loved him.
But how could she love him?
He didn't understand. How could she want him since he was unbelievably damaged goods?
Her face marred as she frowned in her sleep, and he wondered if she dreamed of him choosing to trust Merlyn over John and her and deceiving them both. Or maybe she dreamed about him choosing the city instead of her, or him sabotaging Ra's plane.
She frowned again and he knew she must be dreaming about the plane.
They had fought about the plane last night. She'd accused him of not thinking of her and acted like he'd set out to betrayed her since he'd planned to die. How could he not come home to her?
And yes, he'd admitted he'd planned to leave her alone and had given her no choice in the matter and she'd exploded yet again.
His mind rehashed the argument.
"And you were going to blow up with the plane? Frack, Oliver, how could you do that to me?"
"I wasn't doing it to you. I was saving you, trying to destroy the virus. I needed to keep everyone safe."
"That excuse is a cop out. If you'd trusted you team we would have helped you."
"I had to keep the circle small. I . ."
"Never mind. I don't want to hear it. You can't fix the lies, or the fact you planned to die and abandon me. Frack I'd have never known how you died. I would have waited for you." Her voice cracked.
"I just want to protect you, keep you safe. I don't know what you want from me. "
"I WANT YOU TO LIVE YOU FOOL. I WANT YOU TO PROMISE YOU'LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN."
And he'd hung his head and looked at his shoes, knowing he couldn't.
She sniffled and she'd hurried away from him, slamming the door behind her.
You're a stupid fool he thought among other things until she thankfully come back, and he apologized yet again.
But nothing had changed and they both knew it.
He was still willing to die if need be, and she wanted him to live, but she'd come back and wrapped her arms around him and made love with him while whispering "I'll give you something to live for," as she took him.
Yeah, wow, the making up part of normal was past awesome, and sex with her made him come harder than he ever had in his life. Yes, making love with her was intense and very fulfilling and his dick was ready to do it any time of the day or night.
His dick twitched again, as he imaged touching her, but again, he didn't reach. No, he'd let her sleep. He'd kept her up very late last night, proving to her how much he loved and wanted her.
So, he could wait a few more hours and leave her be, yet it was hard not to kiss her neck, it was hard not to let his mouth and hands touch where he truly wanted to touch and already he was getting hard again.
And no matter how many times he touched her, it'd never to be enough, since he'd always want more. How had he lived this long without loving her with his body and not only with his mind and his eyes? How long had he imagined being right here, holding her warm body beside him?
Too damn long, and heaven help him, he didn't want to screw this up, even though she was painting him into a corner over her emotions and his. Another major fight loomed in the future. He could see it coming since she refused to give up what had happened during his time with Ra's.
"Come on, try to tell me, Oliver. I'll understand, if you talk to me. But you have to try."
But he didn't quite believe her.
Oh yes, she wanted him to open up, to let her in, to share his thoughts with her, along with his experiences and his memories. But he refused to talk about it, couldn't talk about his dark parts or expose the truth to the light that was her, not yet, not now, and maybe, not ever.
She believed she knew him.
But she didn't know him at all.
Oh, she'd seen a little of the darkness that dwelled inside him. But she didn't know he could be harsh and ruthless, a true killer, and deep down he didn't believe she would stay with him, if she knew the terrible vicious things he'd seen and done in his life. He lived in terror that one day, she'd wake up and see the real him, and she'd hate him for the evil things he'd done, for the men he'd tortured and killed, and for the things even he couldn't forgive or forget.
His own self-hate fed his dreams at times, and in those dreams, he woke up alone in a queen size bed empty and cold. She'd seen the real him, seen the darkness he had buried deep, and left him alone.
These dreams tormented him often, especially after they fought.
But, he couldn't share like she wanted him too. Too many of her questions lately had been about what had happened to him at Nanda Parbat. And no matter how many times she asked, he sidestepped.
He didn't want to talk about Ra's torment to her or anyone.
What good would it do to talk about his time in the dungeon? It was over and he couldn't bring his misery to the light of day and share it with her. The last thing he wanted to talk about was how hard he'd fought Ra's attempts at drugging him, or about Ra's attempts at mind control and how close he'd came to breaking.
He couldn't tell her he'd killed again to satisfy Ra's.
What good would it do to speak of the beatings he'd endured or the constant sword fights and the countless men he'd killed for Ra's sport during practice?
And he'd never speak of how it'd shattered his soul to shut the cell door while he looked in her eyes.
Thinking, what if all of them died today?
He'd loved all of them in that cell that day except Ray and Merlyn, but he'd known that all of them could die, especially her.
And he'd shut that damn door or risk Ra's killing them all and the innocent people in his city.
But how do you tell the woman you love that you'd gambled everything on the hope Malcolm Merlyn had truly inoculated them all, that he hadn't been sure, and he could have been leaving them to die?
He couldn't save them so he shut his mouth and kept his secret and he stayed with her, even though he knew the longer he kept his mouth shut, the worse the fall out would be when she found out the truth.
Yet, he locked down all his pain and darkness and kept the bad things from Felicity, while he wondered what she kept from him.
Jesus he'd built their relationship on quicksand.
The birds began waking up outside, and the sun lit the early dawn. The gulf's waves broke on the sand and strangely, the sound comforted him. He was drawn to the water, hence, they'd stayed on the coastline most of their trip. The island would always be with him, it seemed. Yet, when she'd asked if he wanted to go sailing, something he'd mentioned he'd enjoyed as a boy, he'd fought panic.
No, he wouldn't to go back out on the ocean. The ocean wasn't a thing he could control, and he would never endanger her as he had Sara. NO, the ocean would be too dangerous for them both.
Realizing he clutched his pillow in a death grip, he loosened his arm and relax.
Again, he inhaled her vanilla and some sweet flower shampoo scent, and he lay back down. He concentrated on slowing his heart rate, on breathing in and out.
Yawning, he reached for normal thoughts.
What were they going to do today?
Yes, he remembered, Felicity wanted to go swimming in the gulf. Okay, he could handle that. Together, we can do this strange normal life, and he was almost content as he drifted back to sleep.
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