This is a tag to episode 7x15 A Thin Line. I absolutely loved the plane scene, but I think they could have delved into the whole Doyle thing more (shame they only have 42 mins). So, I've had a go...
"You know, I could have carried that up to my apartment you know?" Emily said with a smirk as Morgan dumped her bag in the hallway.
"I know Miss Independent." He teased, shaking his head towards her.
When the jet landed, she had said nothing as he snatched up her bag without saying a thing to her. She had said nothing when he walked with her bag to his car, placing it on his back seat and opening the passenger door for her. She had said nothing when he got out of the car on her driveway, fetching her things from the back and walking off towards the entrance to her block. Her normal reaction would have been to fight against him. Tell him she didn't need him to help her, but she held the words in tight, hoping that this would go some way to helping him to stop feeling guilty about her being hurt…. Again… even though in no way was it his fault on either occasion. But Derek being Derek she knew, would go on blaming himself for a long time yet.
"Thanks…." She smiled at him.
"No problem." He uttered, retuning her smile.
There was a moment's awkward pause as they stood facing each other in the small hallway, the events of the day and the remnants of their conversation on the jet still bearing down heavily on them both.
"You wanna coffee?" She offered, in an attempt to break the silence.
"Sure….." He answered, starting to follow her into the kitchen, "… But I thought you'd given up?"
"I did….." She said, holding up a jar. "….Decaf."
Morgan scrunched up his face in playful annoyance.
"Decaf? What's the point of coffee with no caffeine Emily? Seriously." He joked.
She looked at the jar held in front of her and then back to him, "You're right. It's pretty awful, but it's all I've got I'm afraid."
Chuckling, he closed the gap between them and took the jar from her hand, "I'll make it. You sit down."
"Morgan. I ca…."
She halted as he held a finger up to her, "Ah ah…. Sit." He ordered, gesturing towards the dark wooden table in the middle of the room.
She raised her brow at his insistence, but it soon softened as a breathy chuckle escaped her lips at his determination. She shook her head and made for her seat, unable to hide the small smirk.
As he spooned the granules into each cup he heard her laugh to herself.
"What?" He asked, not turning his attention away from what he was doing.
"May be I need another Doyle to come along…. Being waited on hand and foot is something I could get used to…."
The mention of Doyle's name sent violent shockwaves through his body every time. He still hadn't quite gotten over her joke on the jet earlier. As the words had fallen out of her mouth, they had hit him like a truck. Even though it only took a split second for him to know she was playing with him, it stung. He had managed to bite his tongue, laugh along with her. The jet was no place to make a scene…. Now it was a different story though. He leant his body weight on the kitchen counter and took a deep breath.
"Emily, can you just stop…. Please." He mumbled in a half hearted attempt to do it under his breath, but he knew it was loud enough for her to hear.
She remained silent, but he could feel her eyes boring into his back.
He turned his head slowly, not removing his palms from the counter and their stare met. Her eyes were wide and he could see hurt and what looked like fear pouring out of them causing him to immediately regret his harsh tone….. But not the words.
He looked back to the counter, inhaling deeply as he did, before turning around to face her head on.
She hadn't moved. She seemed frozen to the chair and he could see moisture glistening in her big dark eyes.
Taking a few steps towards her, he half raised his hand to her in a gesture of pleading, "I'm sorry Emily. I didn't mean to snap, it's just…."
"You're angry with me." She interrupted with a whisper.
"No…." He raised his voice as if it would make her believe him more and then took a few more steps, sitting down on the seat beside her. "…God no…. I'm not angry with you….."
He placed his palms together, covering his mouth and exhaled in an attempt to release some pressure off his chest which was pounding, "… Look. I understand why you make a joke out of it… I get it."
She just stared at him showing no sign of responding, but suddenly looking like a frightened little girl.
"I get that you don't want to talk about it. May be not acknowledging it helps you to forget. You can bury you head in the sand and pretend like it never happened….. Right?"
He would have missed her small, subtle nod if he wasn't watching her so intently.
"But you can't pretend it didn't happen. It doesn't work does it?"
She shook her head, "Derek, I just want everything to be back to how it was. I don't want everyone pitying me and treating me like there's something wrong with me all of the time."
"You think that's what I'm doing." He stated, lowering his tone and swallowing with guilt.
"Yes, I mean no… not like that. I know that you care, but the way you look at me sometimes…. I dunno, you never looked at me like that before."
"I just want to know that you really are ok….. We can keep on pretending that that day in the warehouse never happened and you can keep avoiding me or brushing me off every time something comes up that's a reminder of it. But I was there. I saw what he did to you and I can't forget it, so I know that you won't be able to either."
Her eyes widened and she lifted her hand to her mouth, biting down on what was left of her fingernails.
"And that's why everyone looks at me differently." Her voice almost broken.
"No. I never told them. The others….. I never told them what I saw or what you said to me."
"You didn't?" She said with surprised eyes.
He shook his head, "No."
"Why not?"
She watched as his sad gaze left hers and fell downwards, his chest rising and falling a little heavier than before.
"Because I didn't want them to….." He paused, trying to think how to put into words his reasons.
"See me as a victim…..?" She started softly. "….Can't you see that if I dwell on what happened to me…. Talk about it every time something reminds me of it, I'll always be the victim."
"But you were the victim Emily…." He emphasised, "… There's no shame in that."
"I know there isn't, but you all look at me differently now and I just want you to look at me the way you did before."
"I'm just worried about you. Is that such a bad thing?"
"No, but you can't wrap me up in cotton wool and protect me all the time Derek…. like today. There was nothing you could have done to prevent that from happening. We were just doing our jobs."
He gave a sarcastic snort, "Me wanting to protect you is not a new thing. I've always wanted to do that. And you've always called me out on it. But I'll keep playing that game with you forever Emily, believe me."
Her mouth curled up at the edges, just a little, and she met his gaze momentarily before looking back down.
Morgan shuffled his chair just a little closer and leaned in slightly, wanting her to concentrate on his words.
"I'll be honest and tell you what has changed though….." He started in his deep, velvet tone, "…..I saw that you were ready to die that day and that's haunted me ever since. And now that you're back here, it scares me to death."
"Why?"
"Because I know for you to feel that way you must have felt like you were living in hell. And I'm scared you still feel that way and you're going to shut everyone out like you did before."
He watched as she bit her bottom lip and he contemplated stopping and telling her it didn't matter…... But it did matter and they had never come this far and he was afraid that if they stopped now, they'd just fall back into the same routine of avoidance.
"I know with nearly every case we work there must be something that reminds you of what happened…." He continued, "….I know because I feel it sometimes. That's why I look at you that way the way I do."
"What? You're waiting for me to break?" She said defensively.
"No Emily….." He said slowly, shaking his head, "….I'm scared it's all going to become too much and you're going to run away without saying a word like you did before. I should've realised that before and I don't want to miss it again."
She stared at him, realisation, then guilt falling upon her. "Is that what this is about? You think I'm going to leave again without saying anything to you?" She asked gently.
He nodded, his eyes swirling with fear and sadness.
All of a sudden she lost her words. She couldn't find the right ones to assure him and as he stared at her, she could tell he was reading her like a book.
"You have thought about it haven't you?" He said, looking away from her with disappointment.
"Yeah…" She breathed, "….But for like a couple of seconds… and then I know it's stupid. I know I can't keep running, but I also know being here is hard…. Not all of the time. Just sometimes."
"The job you mean?"
"Yes. The job. It's like a revolving door. We just keep going round and round…" She shrugged her shoulders, "…. When is the right time to get off?"
He shook his head, "I don't know. I think we all feel like that at times…." He reassured, "…. But just promise me, when you feel like it might be time, just talk to one of us…. Please."
She nodded, "I will. I promise….. And listen. I know I'm a coward for not talking to you about what happened and I hate myself because I know you must of gone through hell too… seeing me like that. After Doyle….."
"Emily, you are not a coward. You are probably the strongest person I know….." He stopped for a second and swallowed hard before asking her something that he had wanted to ask her ever since that day, "But…. Why did you say that to me? Why did you tell me to let you go?"
Her gaze flicked up to him, hearing his voice break just a little. She took a deep breath before responding, "I was tired Derek…. I was tired and scared. Scared for me. Scared for you guys…... I was done. I had nothing left to give or to fight with and me being dead was all he wanted. It would have put an end to it all. And I'm so sorry you saw me like that."
He slowly sat forward and took hold of one of her hands, the familiar touch throwing them both back to that day even more.
"Emily, you have nothing to be sorry about. What Doyle did to you…" His words broke away as he subconsciously glanced towards her stomach and then quickly reverted back to her face. He wasn't quick enough though. Of course she had noticed and he expected her to recoil, but she didn't. She just ran her finger gently, in thought, across the wooden surface, leaving her slender cold hand still in his.
"Him beating me…. Impaling me with a table leg…. That's just physical wounds you know? They heal. It's not that….." She shook her head, fighting the tears that were stinging the backs of her eyes, "… It's what he left in here….." She said pointing to her head. "….In those couple of weeks after I left you all, I have never felt so scared…. guilty…. alone…. in my entire life. People died because of me and I would have done anything to stop that happening to anyone else I cared about."
"They didn't die because of you. Doyle killed those people. It was down to him." He spat out, his anger at that man surfacing.
"Yeah but if I hadn't of…"
"Done your job….?" He interrupted. "…..Because that's all that you did. You did what was asked of you and you did it well."
She looked up to him, "Too well you think?"
"No Emily…. "He couldn't help but give her a little smile, "….I don't think that's possible."
"What about Declan though?"
She stared at the profiler sat in front of her, searching for reassurance from him.
He leaned in a little closer and lowered his tone, "You saved him from a dark, evil and frightening life. You did what you had to do. You could have just left him."
"But if I hadn't of…."
"Hey…" He halted her, smiling "…You did what you thought was right…. and that's all you can do." He winked at her.
She let out a small laugh, "Touché." She uttered.
He shuffled in his seat and squeezed her hand gently, "So… do you think you'll ever be able to get him out of your head?" He asked softly.
She shook her head with her lips pursed, "He left his mark on me Derek. I remember him every time I look in the mirror."
"I know…." He breathed sadly, them both acknowledging the brand silently. "….But try and think of it this way. He made you even stronger than you were before, if that's possible. If you can get through that, you can get through anything…. But however you feel, he cannot hurt you anymore. The only thing that will hurt you is this…" He told her, gently placing a finger on her temple, "…. if you don't deal with how you're feeling. And that's what we're all here for…. Ok?" His voice broke off, desperate for assurance himself.
She nodded, "Ok….." and she smiled gratefully at him, "And listen, because we've never talked about this, I've never thanked you for what you did that day in the warehouse."
Morgan shook his head, "But I didn't do anything. I felt so helpless, just watching you….."
He couldn't say the words. The way he felt watching the life leave her body that day had never left him. He could close his eyes and be right back there in just a couple of seconds.
"You did do something…" She began placing her other hand over his, "…..I remember everything you said to me and it really did help me to hold on. You made me feel safe. Even though I knew it was a slim one, I knew there was a chance I'd be ok because you were there….. "
"But if I'd just got to you a few minutes earlier…."
"Shhhh…." She hushed him, holding a finger to her lips, "… You weren't. And you couldn't control that. It was just fate."
"Yeah, well fate sucks sometimes." He growled.
She chuckled, "Yeah. It sure does."
She watched with confusion as Morgan bit his bottom lip and looked up to the ceiling in thought.
"What?" She asked.
"Although thinking about it…." He looked back to her, "….. You did get an all expenses paid trip to Paris out of it didn't you?"
He clenched his teeth in an attempt to subdue his smirk as her mouth fell agape in playful shock.
"You just had to get me back didn't you?" She said shaking her head with an 'I've just been done over' smile.
"I couldn't resist…." He grinned, "So, are you gong to tell me all about Paris then?"
"I'll make a deal with you… I promise I will tell you all about it, but on another day. I'm tired and I could really do with a drink."
"Ok. Sure…" He said, releasing their entwined fingers and standing up, "…. I'll just finish making the coffee."
"No…." She called, halting him. "….. I could do with something stronger. You fancy joining me?"
"You definitely have yourself a deal…"
I know there's so much more I could cover… the time leading up to her leaving, the time she was undercover and her time in Paris…. There's so many possibilities… Hope you enjoyed that little bit