The Doctor's Opening Speech

"Hello, I'm the Doctor, and yes, I am wearing a fez. Why? Because fezzes are cool. Remember that. Fezzes, like bow ties, are very, very cool. Now, there are several things I should tell you straight way. The first thing – that is to say, rule one – is that the Doctor lies. That's right, I lie. A lot. I could be lying now, for all you know. Am I? An excellent question, and the answer is . . . very dull, and would mean that I would have nothing to explain later in a thrilling and somewhat confusing climax to the story.

Now, back to what I was saying. Here are some basic things to remember:

If I say run, which I inevitably will, just run. Don't stop to look behind you; don't start asking silly questions, just run. Preferably not towards the vicious, green, slathering monster with seven eyes and anger-management issues.

If you happen to find yourself facing a statue of an angel with it's hands over it's eyes, from that second on, DO NOT BLINK. Don't even turn your back, not for a second. A Weeping Angel will get you, no matter how fast you think you are; it will not be fast enough. So, I repeat; DON'T BLINK.

C. Wait, that's not right, is it? Oh well. Can't be helped. Now I can't remember what I was going to say.

IIII. I am an alien, and I am the last of my kind. Unless the Master has turned up again, or someone has brought back Gallifrey, however, as this only happens occasionally, I can be said to be the Last Time Lord.

5. This is a Sonic Screwdriver. It's excellent at opening, locking, breaking, fixing, stopping and starting things (unless they are made of wood, in which case a banana would be of more use.)

VI. Bananas are good.

G. So are fish fingers and custard.

Octo. When I die, I stop dying and start being awesome again instead.

9. I want to be ginger.

X. No matter how clever you are, when I am in the room, you cannot call yourself a genius.

Eleven. I am completely brilliant and wonderful and fantastic, but even then, and when I have done everything possible, not everybody lives. No matter how hard I try, people die.

So there you have it. Everything (well, mostly) you need to know about me. So, are you coming, or not?"