No one needs this. This is literally an idea I came up with at one in the morning the night before the first day of the school year, and it's moments like these that truly make me wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life. However, I could not sleep until I wrote at least something down, so here's the result.
Title: Sure, You Two Are Cute, But We're Hotter
Yuri was so, so tired of Victor and Yuuri having their hands all over each other. The old man and Katsudon couldn't stand being apart, even for thirty minutes. They were always kissing and always so damn into each other, Victor hovering like a helicopter over Yuuri and Yuuri clinging to Victor as if his life depended on it. And they did this in front of him. And at every time of every day. And there was nothing Yuri could do or say to stop it short of flat-out kicking the two lovebirds out of the rink. Yuri couldn't think of a worse situation to be put in.
At least now, though, if he was sent to hell for whatever reason after he died, he would know exactly what it would look like: he would be stuck with Victor and Yuuri, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, three-hundred-sixty-five days of the year, and they'd probably make out in front of him every few minutes just to add the unpleasant cherry on top of an awful ice cream sundae from hell.
In fact, Yuri was making his disdain towards those two lovesick idiots evident through his ranting to Otabek, who had recently moved to St. Petersburg not only to train but to be with Yuri.
"Like, I get that they're in love! I get it because we're dating, but we don't have our hands all over each other every fucking second of the day! We don't make out in public, we aren't so touchy-feely that we need a room, and even though they're so gross, everyone, fucking everyone, loves them!" Yuri rambled on as he and Otabek were sitting on his couch. At the moment, they were playing video-games, and even though Otabek was crushing Yuri in the most blinding and pathetic defeat known to the history of gaming, Yuri couldn't even bring himself to pretend to care. He was too caught up in his anger towards the old man and the walking pork cutlet bowl.
Sure, he and Otabek were in a slightly provocative position at the moment. They were in their shared apartment. Yuri was sitting on Otabek's lap with his legs horizontal to the cushions of the couch, his feet resting on the chair's arm, and somehow they had been able to maneuver their positions so that they could easily cuddle and still see the TV screen. But that was the point. They were in their apartment. They were alone together. They were alone in a room, where no one could see them, and in the dead of night. No one who disliked public displays of affection had to witness them be all mushy with each other.
"Seriously, if they're in such a hands-on mood, they should get their own room or at least wait until practice is done! I don't want to see them be so disgusting while I'm trying to nail this stupid hard routine! You get where I'm coming from?!" Yuri was angrily pressing the controls of the game, his aggression being taken out on the buttons before him, and all Otabek could do was occasionally nod and provide some words of comfort.
Yuri knew that Otabek didn't enjoy seeing Victor and Yuuri constantly make out, either, and although Otabek occasionally expressed his discomfort, he was much more polite than Yuri was. For that, Yuri had to give Otabek the award for self-restraint because the Kazakh hadn't attempted to murder Victor yet, which was something that Yuri had previously done, but he didn't want to get into it now.
Yuri was still smashing his fingers on the controller, although, not so surprisingly, it was related more so to his anger than actually trying to play the game. He couldn't even remember what he was saying at this point. All he knew was that he was seething within long pent-up anger, and he had to vent.
"I won," Otabek commented and set his controller down.
Yuri sighed, rage lacing his breaths, but he wasn't angry at Otabek for beating him in the game. It was just that the more he thought about Victor and Yuuri, and angrier he got, and Yuri knew that he'd snap and go insane if he didn't find some way to calm down.
Yuri decided that he'd had enough button-smashing for today, so he threw the controller to the floor, brought his legs down from their previous position on the sofa's arm, and leaned into Otabek's chest in an attempt to comfort himself. Otabek just softly hummed and started stroking and kissing Yuri's hair, and Yuri let out a soft, single purr at the sensation.
"Hmm," was the sound Otabek made as he momentarily set his lips on top of Yuri's blonde locks, and even though they weren't facing each other, Yuri could feel Otabek smile on top of his head before he lifted himself back up.
"Your muscles are feeling kind of tense," Otabek noted as he started to feel Yuri's neck and upper back. "More tense than usual. I know that you're angry at Victor and Yuuri, but there's something else about them that's stressing you."
Yuri let out a muffled groan against Otabek's chest before he sat back up and tilted his head so that he looked Otabek in the eyes, "I don't know. I guess it's because Victor and Katsudon are so gross, but I'm not exactly sure why it's bothering me this much. It feels weird, Beka, and I don't really know what to say."
Yuri resumed his previous position of resting his head against Otabek's chest, and he shut his eyes even though he knew that he wasn't sleepy. It just felt nice leaning against his boyfriend.
Otabek started rubbing Yuri's body again, his hands in the same position on his neck and back as they had been before. Yuri really appreciated it, and he really appreciated the fact that Otabek existed in his life.
"Hmm... Beka... don't stop," Yuri mumbled.
"Feels nice?" Otabek chuckled.
"Yeah," Yuri nodded, and he gently lifted his body up to kiss Otabek on the chin. He slumped back down so that he could further enjoy Otabek's petting, then wrapped his arms around Otabek's waist as he felt himself relax. "Hmpf," Yuri huffed out, "those stupid, stupid lovesick idiots." He could only softly murmur for fear of ruining the moment, but he still had to bad-mouth one of figure-skating's most popular couples, a couple who seemed to have the sole purpose of driving him up the wall.
"Shhh, it'll be alright," Otabek cooed, his tone soft, familiar, and comforting, especially after a stressful day at the rink.
"T... thanks... Beka," Yuri yawned against his will. He wrapped himself tighter around Otabek.
Otabek wrapped his arms around his partner, too, and he ended up melting into Yuri as much as Yuri melted into him.
It seemed as if nothing could ruin such a perfect moment. It seemed that this peace and tranquility would last, if not forever, then at least for the next fifteen minutes, because fifteen minutes felt like forever, but in a good way. Yuri didn't want for it to end.
Just when Yuri thought that it couldn't get any better, though...
Ring, ring, ring! Ring, ring, ring! Ring, ring, ring!
"FUCK!" Yuri almost jumped to the ceiling, but Otabek's arms kept the Russian from springing up like a projectile and hitting his head on something. Yuri was definitely going to turn his phone off the next time he and Otabek had a moment.
"Who could be calling at this time?" Otabek quirked up an eyebrow in curiosity, but Yuri could see the sense of loss in his eyes. He would've felt a sense of loss, too, if it weren't for the anger that was currently flooding his system the moment he looked at the caller ID.
Yuri, hands trembling with fury, violently swiped the phone off of the table it had been sitting on and held up the device so that Otabek could see the screen. In an annoyed voice that was dripping in venom and hatred towards the caller, Yuri glowered, "Who else?"
It was Victor. Of course it was Victor. No one else would be so stupid as to call Yuri so late at night.
Yuri furiously smeared his finger across the screen of his phone to unlock it, slammed the device to his ear, and barked into the phone in the most threatening voice he could muster, "WHAT THE HELL, VICTOR?! IT'S ONE IN THE FUCKING MORNING! WHY ARE YOU CALLING?! THIS BETTER BE GOOD, OR I'M SO GOING TO MURDER YOU!"
"Yuri! You're awake!" Victor's voice excitedly chirped on the other end of the line. "I just wanted to say goodnight! We can't have you staying up too late with Otabek, right? Hmm? Hmm?"
"Ugh..." Yuri could practically imagine Victor winking on the other end of the phone, and what Victor had implied almost made him sick to his stomach. "Listen, old man, if anyone should go to bed right now, it's YOU! Where's your precious little Kastudon, anyway?! You can't stand being separated from him for ten seconds!"
"Hi, Yuri!" another equally unwelcome voice sounded from Yuri's phone.
"SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU PIG!" Yuri would've hurled rapid-fire insults at Kastudon at this point, but his mind was too shaken by the shock of Victor's call interrupting one of the fluffiest moments he had ever had.
"Oh... okay!" was all Yuuri said before Yuri heard the phone shift hands again.
"Anyway, how've you been?" Victor asked.
"You literally saw me this afternoon! You already know how my day went!" Yuri screeched.
"Now, now, Yuri, I know that you're all grown up, and I know that you want for me to leave you alone with your Beka, but-" Victor didn't even have a chance to finish his sentence.
"SHUT UP! I DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE IMPLYING, IDIOT! I SWEAR, IF YOU CALL ME ONE MORE TIME AT SUCH AN UNGODLY HOUR WHILE I'M CUDDLING WITH BEKA-"
Yuri, after a split-second pause, then realized what he had just said, and he screamed into the phone yet again in order to amend the quickly deteriorating situation as the shock of his last sentence came crashing down on him like a tidal wave, "WAIT, THAT'S NOT WHAT I-"
"AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! YUURI! Did you hear that?! Our son's experiencing what it's like to be in love! This is so exciting, Yuuri! Remember, Yurio-"
"DON'T CALL ME YURIO! AND I AM NOT YOUR SON! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT?!"
"Remember, though, that while this is an exciting time in your life, you have to be responsible," Victor had apparently chosen this ungodly time to be the time when he gave Yuri "The Talk," a talk that he'd given Yuri so many times before. A talk he had been hearing since he began dating Otabek. A talk that Yuri was beyond tired of hearing.
Yuri grunted, then finally decided that it was time to cut the call off before things got worse, so he pressed the "End Call" button as hard as his shaking fingers possibly could, threw his phone onto the rug that rested beneath the couch, and made a gagging noise when he at last caught his breath.
"Oh god," Yuri sighed as he redirected his attention towards Otabek. "There he goes again, ruining every aspect of my life," Yuri expressed his exasperation, and all Otabek could do was pat Yuri's head in a comforting manner.
"I can't believe fangirls like them so much," Yuri growled as he plopped back down into Otabek's lap.
A few seconds passed, and just as Yuri was about to say something, Otabek piped up and suggested, "You know, Yuri, if you want, I have an idea."
Some more time passed, and Yuri considered hearing Otabek out on this idea. Yuri decided to go for it and hummed in spiked interest, "What are you suggesting, Beka?"
Otabek had a devious, up-to-no-good expression on his face, and his mouth split into a particularly evil grin.
"Ooh, I like where this is going," Yuri smirked. Otabek didn't mess around with people too much, but if you dared to cross paths with him, you'd better watch out, because a scheming Otabek was a truly terrifying force to everyone but Yuri.
Otabek spoke after a seemingly infinite pause, "Yuri, my friend, Victor and Yuuri may be cute... but we're hotter."
"Not bad, not bad at all," Yuri nodded, toothpaste foam around the edges of his lips and a toothbrush sticking out of his mouth. He spat into the sink, rinsed off with some mouthwash, and waited for Otabek to finish up.
About thirty minutes ago, he had been screaming at Victor over the phone for interrupting his and Otabek's moment; now, though, Yuri was ecstatic.
Why was he so excited, you ask?
Well, dear reader, that was because Otabek's scheming had given birth to a plan so strange yet brilliant that he couldn't have possibly turned it down.
What was Otabek's plan to prove that he and Yuri were hotter than Victor and Yuuri? His plan was to have Yuri skate a routine so hot and provocative that it should've been illegal. Yuri was going to skate to Welcome to the Madness.
His and Otabek's plan to skate to Welcome to the Madness was actually perfect with the given situation. After Yuri's first senior debut last year, Yakov had been flooded with calls from hopeful parents who wanted for their kid to train under him, and he was already busy with so many competitions coming up.
So, because he trusted Yuri enough after he won gold at last year's GPF, and because he was so busy, Yakov, even before Otabek suggested the Welcome to the Madness routine, had allowed Yuri a lot of control over his own program. Yakov had warned, though, that if Yuri's routine ended up lackluster, then he wouldn't have such control over his program for a long, long while.
Yuri definitely wasn't going to disappoint. He and Otabek were going to choreograph a routine that wouldn't only please Yakov; they were going to make the best, most risque routine that the world had ever seen, and they were going to try to earn a ridiculously high, record-shattering technical score just for kicks and giggles.
There was quite a bit of time before Yuri actually had to debut the routine, and that left plenty of time for him and Otabek to get both of their routines settled, if they worked their butts off for the next few months, figuratively and literally, since they were figure skaters after all.
There were walls they had hit. There were times where Yuri couldn't do this jump or that jump or over-rotated or just plain couldn't smoothly land because he had to leap so high into the air to truly sell the point of this raunchy skate, and he and Otabek spent plenty of nights awake as they tried to figure out which moves would work the best where. There were also times where parts of the routine were just a little too much, and Yuri would have to take a break from it for a while.
In the end, though, Yuri had poured his heart, mind, and soul into this skate, and he refused to let a single part of it go unappreciated. This routine was going to shock the world, give him and Otabek the attention that they deserved as a couple after constantly being over-shadowed by Victuuri, and possibly piss off some parents, including Yakov, although as long as Yuri got that high score, Yakov would let it slide, no matter how many nosebleeds that would inevitably result from the skate.
As if the routine couldn't get any more provocative, Otabek had even suggested that he bite off Yuri's gloves as he skated. Well, modesty was thrown out the window for this routine, so of course Yuri said yes.
The months passed. Yuri won all the competitions that he had to win. He used a routine Victor had choreographed, and he guessed that the old man wasn't quite as useless as he had originally thought. The Welcome to the Madness skate, though? Oh, Yuri would for sure skate it. It was just his and Otabek's absolute mission to keep the entire thing a surprise. It wouldn't have been nearly as risque and shocking if everyone had already known about it beforehand.
Finally, the day came. The day came where Yuri would skate the program he and Otabek had made especially for him. Yuri wanted to scream to the world that he didn't give a fuck about what other people thought of him, his skating style, or his relationship with Otabek. This routine would be such a big middle finger to all the other routines that Yuri would've been surprised if some live TV channel somewhere didn't cut off his performance midway. Did he care, though? Hell no.
Purple lights filled the rink. There was a crowd of thousands, if not tens of thousands, and millions were watching at home. Yuri could feel the chill of the rink against his thin jacket and tank-top, and he was wearing so much black eyeliner that he barely recognized himself in the mirror while he was putting it on.
He was ready, though. He was so ready for this months ago.
The music started. Jaws dropped to the ground, Yuuri and Victor's jaws among them. Midway through, as planned, Otabek bit Yuri's glove off, an action that was proceeded by about a million nosebleeds from thirsty teenagers and caused for even more jaws to drop. Yuri felt like he was flying. He felt flakes of ice scrape against his face, and the music was booming so loudly in his ears that he thought that the audio would cause for him to tumble over.
The biggest adrenaline rush of his life flooded his veins as the routine dragged on for what seemed like forever. His legs were hurting. His head was spinning. He had no idea where he had thrown those sunglasses to, and to think he had called JJ a douche for wearing sunglasses indoors only to do the same thing next year.
Yuri finished, his body laying on his back, skin pressed beautifully against the freezing ice, his breaths wheezing and his heart pounding so intensely that anyone within a three-foot radius could probably hear it.
The crowded erupted in massive applause. The noise was blinding, and Yuri, for a fraction of a second, secretly smiled to himself. He was allowed to be proud of the success of his -no, his and Otabek's routine- right?
Victor and Yuuri may have been cute. But he and Otabek were way, way hotter.