No Longer The Winter Soldier
"Hail Hydra!"
"Hail Hydra!"
"Hail… Hydra…"
Yes, I'm not a prisoner of Hydra anymore, but I wouldn't describe myself as exactly "free". The same two words are repeated over and over every time I close my eyes. I couldn't sleep. I can't sleep. There are too many memories of the person I used to be. I'm not even going to blame it on Hydra, I mean yes, I was under some sort of mind controlling/brainwashing shit but it was still me. The Winter Soldier. I was conscious for all of it. I killed all those people. Plain and simple as that. When I was being controlled, I didn't know the difference between rights and wrongs, I was given orders. And I followed them, no matter what the price. And finally being free from the awful people who did that to me, I'm left alone to remember all of the horrible things I did. Killing innocent people who had their own lives and their own families, permanently hurting people who didn't deserve to be hurt. I never wanted to end up like this. I wanted to live a normal life. It's been so hard, I find myself thinking about if I really deserve to live. I killed so many people and my guilt overwhelms my will to breathe. There's not a passing second when I don't think about it. About him. The Winter Solder.
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"Buck! Bucky, wake up your having a nightmare." Steve shook Bucky's shoulder, trying to get Bucky to snap out of it.
Bucky jolted upright in their bed, breathing hard and sweat forming above his brow. Steve placed his hand on his shoulder as Bucky began to tear up. The guilt overwhelming him.
Bucky looked over at his caring boyfriend as tears streamed down his face, "Steve… It's Hydra again… the same two words, the guilt, the desire no longer to li-"
Steve grabbed Bucky and pulled him into a tight embrace before he could finish his sentence.
"Please Buck, I understand this must be very hard for you, but don't ever say that. You didn't kill those people, I know you didn't. You might have been conscious for all of it but that doesn't mean it was you. It wasn't your choice. The Bucky I knew, the Bucky I know, wouldn't even think of doing something so harmful. It was Hydra's fault. Not yours. Never think about ending your life. You have too much to live for Buck…"
Bucky pulled away from Steve slowly, and looked into his icy blue eyes. Steve cupped Bucky's cheek and softly wiped the tears with his thumb.
"I let you slip through my hands once, and I'm not going to let you go ever again. You are staying here with me. You're James Buchanan Barnes. No longer the winter soldier."
"Steve… I… Thank you. I don't know how you do it. Some people see me as a horrible monster and I don't blame them, but you… You see who I really am. You see Bucky Barnes. You don't see The Winter Soldier. I want to thank you for that. Steve I don't think you understand how important you are to me. If it wasn't for you I would probably be insane right now, or even dead. You chase away my demons and put a shield in front of my heart. Protecting me from the person I'm not."
"Bucky… I need to tell you something." Fear and nervousness was on the edge of Steve's voice.
Bucky felt his stomach drop. Was Steve leaving him, after all this? Does he not feel the same anymore? Did he find someone else? Horrible thoughts entered Bucky's mind as he felt a lump form in the back of his throat.
"Uh… Yeah, what is it?" Bucky asked uneasy.
Steve looked down and blushed slightly before meeting Bucky's gaze again.
"I…" Steve bit his lip, "I love you Bucky."
Bucky let out a breath of relief as he felt fresh tears overflow from his eyes.
"Woah I'm sorry, was it too soon? This wasn't the reaction I was looking for! I'm sorry Buck I didn't mean to upset you." Steve said already regretting his decision.
"No!" Bucky started laughing, "Steve these are tears of joy. I'm so happy right now. I love you too! So much!"
Steve smiled and started laughing as Bucky practically tackled him, hugging him tight.
Bucky kissed him hard and rolled over, lying next to Steve. Steve smiled and inched closer to Bucky snuggling him, putting a hand over his heart. Steve looked up at Bucky, his eyes were closed. Steve smiled feeling Bucky relax and his breathing slow down going into a deep rhythm. Steve closed his eyes and relaxed too, knowing his Bucky was safe.
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I used to wonder if it would ever go away, if I would ever be cured. I used to wonder if there was any hope for me. But I know now that there was hope. There is hope. And his name is Steven Grant Rogers. He rescued me. Saved me from drowning in my past. I'm not really sure if there is a God out there or not, but if there is, Steve is a gift from him. Steve made me realize that it truly wasn't me. I would never do that. And now, I never will. I'm James Buchanan Barnes. No longer The Winter Soldier.