Never Tell Anyone
"I ain't never been with a man…" Jayne's voice was wistful.
Mal's head fell back against the wall of the shuttle with a metallic thud. Trapped in a gorram shuttle on the outermost rim of the 'verse with Jayne. It was almost enough to make him open the hatch and welcome sweet, expedient death by vacuum. At least the black was silent.
"Lots of women…" A faint smile stretched over Jayne's face, "Powerful number of women…Not one of 'em unhappy in the mornin'."
Mal eyed the latch like a lover. Sweet release it would be so easy.
"You ever been with a man before Mal?"
"Can't say as I have, Jayne." Mal said, heaving a weary sigh. "Nor been inclined to neither."
"I reckon you ain't. Only we're gonna die and I was thinkin'…"
"What trouble have you gotten yourself into this time Malcolm Reynolds? Let me just clean up this imag- Gwai-gwai long duh dong?! Is that Jayne Cobb?"
He raised his remote over his shoulder and beckoned his love-bot with a few clicks. "Look at this Lenora, Mal and his man-ape are st- Huh choo-shung tza-jiao duh tzang-huo! Oh that cannot be unseen. No stopping that signal. Wuh de tyen-ah, that has got to hurt, Mal. In a good way?"
He fiddled with several dials, punched a few keys and audio filtered through the speakers. "Rutting like a gorram Hog. Who knew Malcolm Reynolds liked it on the bottom?"
Suddenly Mal's eyes fixed on the camera, wide and filled a mixture of mortification and relief. "Get off Jayne," he hissed. Holding his pants up, like his shattered dignity with one hand, Mal moved close to the camera. "Hello?"
"Hi Mal, hiiii Jayne," Mr Universe drawled, "don't mind me, I was just checking the state of the verse-"
"Mr Universe?"
"Who else? You know all the signals come thro-"
Mal growled something under his breath, shaking his head before glaring straight at the transmitting camera, "Serenity's gone. Pirates shot us out in the damned shuttles, only a couple hours left for air."
Eyes widening, Mr Universe's fingers began to move triple time. "You're... not far from here. You have any manoeuvrability in that tin box?"
"She flies."
"Good, head my way, I'll head yours, we'll meet in the middle, have a picnic - sorry, no sausage, but I'm sure you boys have had your fill of that anyway."
A/N: Written for RainbowWizard1 in response to the challenge Firefly, Mal/Jayne what the hell we're gonna die anyway sex...and then they live?
The Chinese:
Gwai-gwai long duh dong? What the hell?
Huh choo-shung tza-jiao duh tzang-huo! Filthy Fornicators of Livestock!
Wuh de tyen-ah Dear God in Heaven.