"It's Noah, we have a date tonight." Rachel says quietly, but not quiet enough for me to not hear her.
"Ok, Just go."
"San,don't be mad." She says that every time she's with him, but how could I not when my heart only belongs to her while she's sharing hers with two people?
Let me explain the hell that is my life. Rachel and I started out as a 'friends with benefits' type relationship, I was upset about Brittany with Artie and she was upset that Finn dumped her after taking her virginity. We were drunk at one of puck's parties and long story short, we ended up in bed that night. We continued having sex, until Rachel admitted to having feelings for me. At first I went into some gay panic, but eventually I came around. We both agreed to keep our relationship a secret until we, (although mostly me) were ready to tell everyone. When Rachel and I started hanging out in public more people started to get suspicious, so I started fake dating Sam and Rachel started fake dating Puck. Well it was suppose to be fake dating, until I walked in on them in Puck's room about to have sex.
FLASHBACK
I start running as fast as I can. I don't even know where I'm going,but I know I can't be here. I love her! I Fucking love her! I was so stupid for ever thinking she loved me back!
"San! San,wait!" I hear Rachel screaming and running after me. I want to keep running, but for some unknown reason I stop.
"Wait for what, Rachel! For me to hear 'let me explain' or 'it wasn't what it looked like'!"
"Actually, it was what it looked like." Is she fucking serious right now?
"Oh, that makes me feel so much better Rachel!"
"Listen, San I-" she says in a soft voice, but fuck that!
"You what! You decided before you went to meet your girlfriend, who Fucking loves you by the way, you would take a quick ride on the puckerman express!" I'm trying my hardest not to cry, but I can't stop the tears from pouring out my eyes. Rachel isn't saying anything, she's just standing there with a confused look on her face. "What? Now you can't think of anything to say?"
"You just said that you loved me." Oh shit! I did just say that! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
"Yeah, I love you. I thought you loved me too, but now I clearly see I was wrong!"
"You're not."
"What?"
"San, I do love you." She reaches her hands out for mine, but I pull away.
"No! How can you say you love me after what I just saw?" This isn't making any sense, the only conclusion was that I was in love with a crazy person.
"Because, I do love you! But I love him too." She whispered that last part, but she might as well have shout it out for the whole world to hear.
"You can't have us both!"
"San, I don't want to lose you, but I need him too." Yup I'm in love with a crazy person, but I don't want to lose her. I just found out I was in love with her. I just gave her my heart, I can't have her just rip it out.
"Ok" I sigh in defeat
"Ok?"
"Look if you need both of us I'm not going to make you choose, but I want you to know that you're the only one who has my heart." She smiles and pulls me in for a kiss. This should be the best kiss of my life considering we just said I love you for the first time. Then again you don't usually say 'I love you and someone else'. So instead the kiss feels empty.
"I'm going to go talk to Noah." Rachel's tells me before giving me a quick kiss,then head off back to Puck.
END OF FLASHBACK
So, there you have it. That's how I ended up lying here with my girlfriend, while she texts her boyfriend. This is so fucked up! She was the one who wanted more than a 'friends with benefits' relationship! She's the one who wanted the romance! And now that I'm giving that to her it's not enough! Maybe I just can't take it anymore.
"Rach, how can you ask me not to get mad considering what we just did and you're already texting him?" I know I shouldn't be yelling at her. After all I did agree to this, but I'm just hurting too much.
"How can you sit there and yell at me, when you knew what you were getting into when you agreed to this relationship?" She yells at me while she gets out of bed to get dressed.
"Maybe,I don't want to be in this relationship anymore!" I totally just said that in the heat of the moment, but I don't regret it. It had to be said.
"What are you saying?" Rachel says, as she tries to fight back the tears in her eyes.
"I'm saying it's either him or me, Rachel." This is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do
"Please,don't make me choose." I knew she was going to say that.
"Fine, I'll make it easy for you. We're done, I can't continue to give you my entire heart, to only get half of yours in return." I try to fight back my tears, but it's useless. I can feel them running down my cheek.
"Baby, please don't do this." Rachel say's trying to hold back her own tears.
"Don't call me baby! You lost that right the second you ripped my heart out!" I'm not even trying to hold back the tears anymore. What's the use? How much pride do I have left anyway?
"San,"
"No! Just leave Rachel! Go to your perfect little Jewish boyfriend, have the perfect little Jewish family and forget I ever existed!"
"San, please."
"Just go!" I shout and this time she doesn't argue, she just nods and walks out the door. Watching her walk away, I knew she was taking a piece of my heart with her. Oh who am I kidding? She took my whole fucking heart with her! I throw myself on the bed and just cry. I'm hurting everywhere, it feels like someone punched a hole in my chest and squeezed my heart until it exploded! I don't know how to live without Rachel. I don't even know how I'll ever have the energy to leave this bed, so for now I just cry myself to sleep.