Almost Lover (1/?)
Title: Almost Lover (1/?)
Pairing: Mark and Addison
Rating: PG-13 for two F-bombs (Can you say that word in PG-13?)
Summary: Their last night together before she leaves for Seattle.
Disclaimer: Yep they're mine! Well, I like to pretend they are, but don't tell Shonda or anyone at Shondaland…or anyone at ABC for that matter.


A/N: So I've never done Mark/Addison before. In fact this is my second time posting any ficlet. I'm more of a fanvid kind of gal. I'm working on two videos actually so watch out for them on my journal. Anyways, I'm not totally happy with this but I have nothing to lose. I'm not sure how long this will be. I have a brief outline, but who knows?! I'm thinking the next chapter might be this exact period of time but from Addison's point of view. After that I have no idea what happens. So this is the night before she goes to Seattle form Marks POV obvs. The title of the fic is also the title of a song by A Fine Frenzy who I am absolutely obsessed with. The lyrics are so incredibly tragic that it can't be anything but a MAddison song. The song itself is so beautiful. You must listen. The title of the chapter is my favorite line in the whole song. Since I'm still a newbie be nice, but if you love it tell me, if you hate it at least give me something to work on.

We lay there in complete silence. A silence that'll echo forever. A silence saying all the things we can't. I examine every inch of her being trying to memorize her. Memorize every body part touched, every moment ever shared, every breath ever taken in my presence. Once the morning robs us of the moonlight it'll all be over. Every part of it. This strange existence we have been living the past two months has to end. We both know it but it still hasn't been said in fear that the other will break.

We lay on our sides of the bed inches from one another; the blankets at our feet. Her black tank top violently clashing with the sterile white sheets. Her red hair sprawling across her pillow as she lays on her side with one arm behind her head and the other on the bed. The blue in her eyes glistens beneath the moonlight seeping in through the windows. I take her in a little at a time trying to make this last until the world won't let it anymore.

Looking at her now I'm aware that I never have and never will feel this way about anyone else. I could eat, drink, and sleep this feeling until the end of time. This is the moment I realize I don't remember how to live without her. Here I am, 40 years old and I finally have what I want, only to watch it fly to Seattle tomorrow. I thought the first time she touched me a little too long, I was sure. I thought the first time I woke up next to her, I was sure. But I was wrong on both counts. This. Right now is the moment I'm sure I can't live without her.

The worst part isn't even that this moment boards a plane in eight hours, it's the fact that come tomorrow, Derek will have it (again) until death do them part. Even though we are over, she has silently convinced me that somehow it'll be okay; we'll be okay. She may never say it, but I can feel it. She believes, so I believe. And that mutual understanding reached in the dark is more than enough.

She takes her free hand and places it on my arm and I immediately get goose bumps. My body has never let the touch of any woman affect me the way it lets hers. I look up at her and notice the tears threatening to fall. "Mark." Her voice is shaky. "I just need you to kn-"

"Don't."

"I'm so sorry an-"

"Stop."

"I wish things could hav-"

"Dammit Addison. I said stop!" A single tear descends down her right cheek and makes a trail down to her nose. She quickly wipes away the tear and sniffles as she whispers "Sorry." I sit up and look down at her. "Stop apologizing. You made a choice. Don't look to me for absolution."

"I'm not looking for absolution Mark. I don't deserve it and I know that, but we made this decision. We made it together."

"No we didn't. You did. You don't want me. You don't want to be with me."

She gets out of the bed furiously and turns around to look at me, "You know we have talked about this and we decided it was for the best."

All I can do is look at her submissively. It's not worth fighting over. It won't change a damn thing. It was a decision she made. She talked, I listened. Just because I didn't speak doesn't mean we made the decision together. She looks away silently acknowledging she's wrong. She knows that her leaving me was not something I wanted. She knows it still isn't something I want.

She runs her hand through her hair and says, "I don't know what you want me to say."

I look at her and wait for her eyes to meet mine. When they finally do, thick tears have clouded her eyes. "Don't look at me like that Addison."

"Like what?"

"That look doesn't work on me anymore." I lie straight through my teeth.

"I'm not giving you any lo-"

"Don't do it. Don't you dare try making me feel bad."

"You Mark Sloan, are unbelievable. This is hard for me too. You act like you're the only one getting hurt here and you're not." She finishes her sentence by walking out of the bedroom. I follow her as she briskly walks down the stairs.

"Getting hurt? You want to talk about getting hurt? You're leaving me." We make our way into kitchen. Her back still to me as I continue, "I'm the one being left…again. Don't play the victim card with me. Save that for Derek." She turns around faster than you can say "adulterer".

"Don't bring Derek into this. We said we wouldn't bring him up anymore."

"Yeah well that before you decided to leave me so you could fly to Seattle in an attempt to save the marriage that ended three years ago."

I know right away that was the wrong thing to say. "Fuck you, Mark! Fuck you!" (Apparently she thought so too.) She has said that to me twice, well now three times, in all the years I have known her and we were fighting about Derek every time. She stands on the opposite side of the kitchen with tears welling up in her eyes. After a few minutes she walks over and looks up at me as the tears start streaming down her face.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I wrap my arms tightly around her believing that she truly means it. This wasn't supposed to happen. This night wasn't supposed to end like this.

"It's okay Addie. It'll be okay."

Later that night she falls asleep in my arms just the way it should be. There's something so perfect about falling asleep with the one you love. You feel secure about where you stand in the world. Everything falls into place. Even the most illogical things make sense.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The car ride the next morning is completely silent. I don't know what to say to her. How do you put an end to something that never had a chance to begin? We pull up to the curb at the airport and she gets out of the car without even looking at me, which I find rather odd. I pop the trunk and pull out her 86 suitcases full of those goddamn shoes she can't get enough of. I place one on the sidewalk as she hands the man her ID and says "Seattle". The man asks her what's in Seattle and she pauses and says "I don't know." I walk over to her with her final bag in hand and stand right in front of her for a few moments. She looks up at me, smiles nervously and says, "I guess this is it." "Guess so," I reply. I don't know how to do this I think to myself. A day hasn't gone by in the past 15 years where I wasn't able to see her. Every moment of the past two months floods my mind. Everything from the instant I knew I was in love with her up until now. "I don't know what to say," she finally says after a few awkward moments.

"Me neither," I admit.

"I should go though. I board in a half hour and who knows what security looks like," she smiles faintly.

"Yeah. That's probably a good idea."

"Ok well," she moves in and wraps her arms around me, "Thank you for letting me stay with you and being there for me. It means a lot Mark."

"Anytime Ad."

"Have a safe drive," she reaches up and kisses me on the cheek. "Have a safe flight." She grabs her purse and glances at me once more before walking toward the door. "Addison?" I yell. She turns around waiting for me to say something, "I'll be here."

"Obviously Mark. This is where you live."

"No. I mean when you finally admit that it's over, I'll still be here." She looks at me for a good ten seconds before turning around and walking through the sliding doors. And that's it. It's over. Done. She didn't even seem phased by what just happened. She actually left me for my best friend. I don't remember any woman ever choosing Derek over me. Ever. She didn't acknowledge what we had in any way. For the first time since this all began, I feel used. I was her substitute husband. This must be what all the women I sleep with feel like I think to myself as I make my way back to the car. I turn around one final time and I can barely see her red hair making its way toward security.

I should have known you'd bring me heartache, almost lovers always do.