Author's Note (Check out for Future of HOFAH): For those just stumbling upon this tale, welcome! For those that have been with Cassidy Williams from the start, welcome back! After reviewing the previous chapter I have written and posted for Holding Out for a Hero, I personally decided I wanted to revise it. I have taken down all previous chapters while the revision are being made, and will be posted the updated version every three or four days until we reach new, original content! Some chapters will have minor revision where others may be complete scraped and re-written. Bare with me as we go through this process, but I personally feel this will make the story stronger as a whole. For those that are just joining this fan-fiction, be sure to check our the original tale: Wounds Heal, Scars Remain. I also have began a new Game of Thrones fan-fiction for those interested and will be updating my other works in process for those that are fans of my other series! Don't forget to leave reviews and favorite the story to keep on top of all the updates! Thank you all for the support over the years. It have been a long process and struggle due to the real world, but everything will see an ending. That I promise! Enjoy - trs0010
Chapter I: What's Left of Me
Eight years… had it really been that long ago?
Cassidy often had a difficult time wrapping her head around that thought. Gotham seemed to moving steadily forward at its usual rapid pace with Cassidy trailing behind in slow motion.
Eight years.
If you asked her, it was only just last night that she was crouched in a dark alley clutching the wounded chest of a deranged clown to her own with the rain whipping down upon them without any care that his life hung in the balance.
Eight years.
Almost a decade ago, Cassidy fled to Gotham to an attempt to run away from her blown undercover assignment, a revengeful crime lord and an abusive fiancée. She left the life she knew back home in California with emotional and physical battle scars, and she felt they'd never fade away.
Gotham was a beacon a hope. Gotham was a promise of a new and better future. Cassidy desperately believed that Gotham would answer all her problems. Her rocky engagement would return to the bliss love as it once as. She had a fresh and new opportunity to advance her career in law enforcement. Gotham was a refuge and freedom from becoming a victim of a revenge plot.
Gotham offered the greatest gift of them all: family. Cassidy would be reunited with her beloved, billionaire cousin in the city that he called home.
All the hope, dreams and promises that she affixed with Gotham were violently flipped upside down thanks to one birthday clown gone horrible wrong.
The Joker.
Chills still ran down Cassidy's spine when those two innocent words were spoken together, chills in a mixture of horrifying fear and forbidden longing.
His dark, piercing eyes hunted her when she closed her own emerald orbs. He was a beautiful nightmare that she could never truly shake or wake up from.
Two halves the created one electrifying and terrifying whole: the psychotic, sociopath of the Joker, who only wanted to see the city burn, and then Jack the former soul that was beaten and lost to the Clown Prince persona.
Cassidy feared the Joker. She had seen first hand the destruction, pain and mental and physical torture he inflicted on others. She had been on the wrong side of his rage before, but it was Jack that saved her from any punishment.
Jack, the man he used to be. The man that Cassidy still believed in even if the Joker did not himself, the man that Cassidy fell for despite her own better judgment.
She knew she could never have. No matter how hard she could fight for Jack …the Joker would fight harder. His hold was too strong.
He was her savior and her damnation wrapped up in purple and green. He rid her a fiancée that once upon a time brought her joy beyond compare, but only heartbreak and disappointment remain when she recalled her former lover.
The Joker… or better Jack… sacrificed his freedom and almost his life to spare Cassidy from her own demise at the hands of a Californian crime lord that she tangled with in the part, the same mob boss that left his permanent mark on Cassidy.
With the perverse good the Joker brought into Cassidy's life, he left a wake of destruction and poison as well.
She was damned simply because her heart was too big. She cared too much about a man that Gotham wanted to see burn. She publicly admitted her feelings in a slip up that was heard around the city. Her proclamation of love was forever on public record, a proclamation that almost cost Cassidy her shield.
Cassidy went on a nine-month sabbatical from the Gotham Police Department. During that time, she remained out of the public eye and underwent a full psychiatric analysis and weekly therapy in order to keep her badge and be clear to rejoin the force.
She did, but it wasn't an easy transition. It still wasn't easy after eight years. The city never forgot, and few never forgave.
Her face was marred by the scars from the carving job done by Lamont years earlier, so Cassidy stood out when she return to the force and the public sphere.
Once she hid the scars, but she began to see the beauty in them. The scars became a badge of honor of staring death in the face and surviving, but the scares became her mark.
The sharp looks of disgust and hatred were shot her way as she went about her daily life in the streets of Gotham. Whispers fled the city. The threats were rampant with some bold citizens that still dealt with the pain the Joker left in his wake making moves to publicly assault or threaten Cassidy.
Her compassion cost her. Cassidy was metaphorically locked up almost as much as he was. With the amount of threats shot her way in the early stages of her return to the force, Cassidy was chained at her desk at Gotham Police Department.
Though more than efficient and talented at her position as detective and cleared mentally by her psychiatrist and therapists, Cassidy had few friends and even less trust amongst her fellow officers.
She couldn't blame them? Why should they trust her?
They were on the outside looking in and could not possibly understand what she had been through and had seen.
All they could see is a woman that loved the man that murdered her fiancée in cold blood. She was seen as a woman that cared about the same monster that took so many lives of Gotham's finest.
Since her return and rapid attacks by the public, Cassidy was often assigned menial tasks, case files and other paperwork that required her to be at her desk more often than not.
Commissioner James Gordon was one of the select few that trusted Cassidy emphatically and was one of her outspoken supporters.
He often consulted her on investigations and stole her away from her desk as often as he could, which even then was very little. Without his attempts to maker her job seem meaningful and normal again, she would have gone insane years ago.
Insane.
It is such an odd word. A word that Cassidy grew accustomed to hearing in the last eight years.
Many of Gotham's citizens used that exact same word to describe Cassidy. Some days, she convinced herself that she must be insane.
Maybe one of these days Gotham would petition to have her locked up next to the clown in Arkham. She had not step foot at the asylum since the say he was admitted.
She was not allowed to enter Arkham Asylum or visit Jack. The doctors felt it would only be a step back in his treatment. Cassidy agreed it was for the nest, not only for him, but also for her.
He was never getting out of Arkahm, and once she accepted that, the sooner she could have a normal life.
The only way he was stepping foot off that island is if he escaped. He did that once before. He could always do it again, but Cassidy felt that if he was going to escape, he would have years earlier.
Even if he did, what would it matter? He was physically incapable of love. The Joker was not programmed for that. That part of him was destroyed a lifetime ago.
Cassidy tried to save him from himself, but she always knew deep down that he was a lost cause. Though Cassidy did not want to admit that out loud. She was too afraid to admit defeat.
If she did, it meant that she was once in love with a stone-cold killer with no shred of humanity left to save.
Being permanently separated from the Joker gave her a chance at a life. A life she could never have with him, but yet a part of her could not let the thought of him go.
Letting go is always the hardest part. Letting go means coming to term that something once held precious is never coming back. It's gone. Dead.
Cassidy returned a sense of normality into her life since returning to the force. At least as normal as it could be after the events that still plagued her at night. Routine and normalcy was a much-welcomed distraction compared to the continuous, heart-wrenching reply in her head when she was alone.
Cassidy witnessed the price of living in the past and the toll of trying to hold on to ghosts. It hit too close to home for Cassidy.
Bruce Wayne, her cousin and now the only family she had remaining, was paying that price. The death of Rachel was the painful final straw.
It was the largest and hardest sacrifice he made as being the vigil of Gotham. Bruce slowly closed himself off from the world, stumbling around lost in his own personal world of guilt.
Cassidy and Alfred tried to revive him from his reverie, but nothing ever worked. Bruce put up a front for their benefit and pretend that all was right for a while, but he always relapsed into his own memories.
Cassidy moved back into her own apartment after the Joker was sentenced away to Arkham. She felt Bruce needed his own space to deal with his grief while she needed to regain her own independence.
It was another step towards resurrecting her life to the glory days before her failed engagement and before the Joker.
Cassidy made the trek to Wayne Manor daily to visit Bruce. She was not about to give up on him, and she'd be damned if she let him give up on himself. She was determined to not let him forget he had not lost everything that day and that he still had people on this earth that loved him dearly.
...
...
"Williams… Williams… Williams!"
Cassidy shook herself awake after nodding off at her desk monetarily. It was late into the Friday afternoon, and she had been at the station for over twelve hours.
"The last hour or two had been a struggle for Cassidy to keep her eyes open. Exhaustion was at war with a constant stream of coffee, and exhaustion was winning.
Once alert and aware of her surrounding, Cassidy found the source of her alarm clock. The tired but kind face of Commissioner James Gordon gazed down upon her.
"Finished up that report Williams?" he asked.
"Wrapped it up a few minutes ago," Cassidy managed through a yawn.
"Go home," he ordered with a smile. "You've earned some rest."
"I will, but not yet," Cassidy said while her eyes darted to the door as officers and detectives hustled in and out the door. Her smile faltered as she scanned the blur of faces. "I'm waiting for something."
Gordon gave a knowing look at the young detective and shook his head with a small laugh.
"More like someone," he retorted as he returned to his office. "I'll see you at the benefit tonight."
"Yea, yea, yea…" came her sarcastic answer as she motioned him away while rolling her eyes partially at Gordon's someone comment and partially at the mention of the benefit.
It had almost slipped Cassidy's mind that the Wayne Foundation benefit for Harvey Dent Day was this evening. After Bruce retired deeper and deeper into her seclusion, Cassidy adopted the position as the unofficial spokesperson for the Wayne family.
Every year to became tougher and tougher for Cassidy to pretend to be so thankful for Dent and honored to host so a spectacular event in his name… not after she learned the truth from Bruce.
It was a difficult decision. One the Dark Knight had no choice but to make. Batman had to take the fall to keep Dent's name spotless and the streets of Gotham clean of the scum of the earth.
Cassidy opened her top-left, desk drawer and fumbled around until she stumbled upon a black hair tie.
She pulled her long, auburn waves away from her face and used her phone's front-facing camera to check her handy work on her messy ponytail before giving a small, almost sad, smirk at her own reflection.
Before he completely shut himself off from the world, Bruce gave Cassidy one last gift.
After the public hearing, Cassidy was in the center of a media storm and a public debate about her own sanity and loyalty to the city. Either journalist wanted to know every single detail about her relationship with the Joker or citizens wanted her kicked off the force or worse.
With the deep scaring of her face from the betrayal of her former beloved, Cassidy stood out like a sore thumb. The need to hide her scars melted away during her imprisonment with the Joker as she saw the beauty and courage in the scars.
It became a necessity to hide the scars just to walk the five feet from the station to her car. One look at her face was all it took. Everyone knew exactly who she was.
Once the threats began flying during her return to the force, Bruce took the only measure he knew to give his cousin some peace.
With a billionaire's budget, he called a few friends in high places and did some research until he uncovered one of the top surgeons in the world that was in the process of developing a new technique to repair scared tissues.
With Bruce urging for her own safety and Cassidy not seeing any other option, she had the experimental procedure. The surgery did not completely remove the scarring on her face, but it did dramatically minimize the damage.
With the right amount of makeup, the scars were almost invisible …almost. Invisible enough that she became unrecognizable to the masses, but they were an ever-present reminder of Cassidy's past.
She set her phone down and drummed her fingers on her desk. It was well after five o'clock.
He was late.
She would never admit it out loud to anyone, especially not to him, but when he didn't return from patrol on time, she worried.
She snapped her head to the side every time the door to the holding room open just waiting to see him smirking at her, but each time she was disappointed.
"Waiting for someone?"
She jumped at the question and was greeted by the sounds of snickering as she turned to the front of her desk.
"Not. Funny. Blake."
"Always be on your toes, Williams," office John Blake replied with his trademark wink.
Blake joined the Gotham Police Department almost five year earlier, and he took an instant liking to Cassidy.
She would be lying if she said he wasn't attractive. He was tall and muscular with a jaw line to die for, and not to mention chocolate brown eyes that could make any heart melt.
The duo had a well-established love-hate relationship after getting off to a rocky start on his first day on the force.
His persistent attempts to gain her affection tested her patience since day one, but her day would not be complete without Blake's daily visit to her desk.
The two developed a comfortable work relationship through the years, but that was all it was … a work relationship.
John wanted more since he first laid eyes on Cassidy and hadn't given up on the thought since. Cassidy would not allow it. She could not allow it, though she had toyed with the thought from time to time.
He was a great guy, and she was not going to allow herself to bring him into her world of murderous mob bosses and demonic clowns.
Cassidy also still had the bitter taste in her mouth from the last time she mixed business with pleasure. It almost cost her life, and the scars were still there to prove it.
"You scared me… happy now?"
"Not quite, Williams."
Per their routine, Blake sat on the corner of her desk and dramatically checked his watch.
"Would you believe that?" he gasped. "It's after five o'clock on Friday afternoon. It's my favorite part of my week."
"Still with this shtick? You need to get out more, kid."
"That's what I'm trying to her here," he defended. "I will gladly make myself a fool for you like I have every Friday for the last five years. Dinner and a movie, my treat?"
Cassidy gave a heartbroken smile. It was the same script: every Friday …after five o'clock ….he would ask her on a date …she would say no.
The first hundred times, Cassidy wanted to slap him upside the head to knock some sense into him, but now it got a little harder to say no each time after watching him make the say request week after week already knowing her answer and never showing interest in anyone else.
She wanted to say yes, but it was impossible. Besides her previous engagement this evening, she did not deserve him. She did not deserve anyone.
She did not believe she could love him or anyone else for that matter. Tristan bloodied and bruised her idea of true love and what was left of her heart was locked up in Arkham.
She was betted off alone in her own self-punishment for falling in love with the type of person she swore to put behind bars.
Why did she deserve to be happy?
The damage, loss and pain the Joker inflicted on Bruce alone was enough for Cassidy to hate herself for caring about a man that caused her own cousin to cut himself out of the world.
Blake was the closest thing Cassidy had as far as a friend went. She did not want to risk that. If they dated and things went horribly wrong, the only person she had outside of Bruce was gone.
Thus, the love-hate battle continued forward.
"Hate to break your heart, kiddo, but the Wayne Foundation has bought my dinner tonight. Perhaps Miss Walker would be wiling to take my place,"Cassidy offered while motioning over to the blonde across the room.
Ashley Walker joined the station a few months ago with her huge crush on Blake being more than obvious. Cassidy jokingly referred to Ashley as Barbie cop on more than one occasion.
With her blonde hair, blue-eyes, perfect figure and flawless makeup she looked like she should be on a magazine cover and not in the station. Judging by her work, she might as well be on the magazine cover.
Ashley had been watching Cassidy's and John's exchange with heightened interests and did her best to look busy and preoccupied when she heard her name being brought up.
Cassidy often did every thing she could to make Barbie jealous of her relationship with Blake to torture the rookie.
She had to stifle her laugh as Blake shot a glance in Ashley's direction with mixture of pain and disgust on his face. Her attempts to seduce officer Blake were too obvious and forward.
Cassidy rose from her chair and slip into her brown leather jacket.
"Chin up, Blake!" she said cheerfully as she moved dangerously closer to the officer knowing that Ashley was fuming while watching the two. "There's always next week," she whispered with a wink.
She placed a quick peck on his cheek and gently patted the spot where her lipstick left a mark.
"You're killing me!" he shouting while placing his hand over his "broken heart."
"You'll live," she joked with the hint of her smirk in her voice as she left the building without turning around to give him another look.
Blake watched her leave from his perch on her desk, shaking his head while he grazed the spot that her lips touch moments ago and kept wondering what it was going to take for him to get one shot with Cassidy Williams.
