T for swearing and lots and lots of hurt Scotty

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek.

A/N: Yes, the title makes no sense except for the first chapter. The first chapter makes no sense except for the first chapter. Not my best work, but I figured I might as well post it and be done with it.

Bloody Damn Nutcracker

Chapter 1

"Ducts…ducts…why is it always bloody ducts? I hate ducts!" Montgomery Scott muttered as he crawled military-style through the air ducts of the smugglers' mansion.

A reply came over his radio. "I would advise you to keep radio silence until we have reached our destinations," Spock answered.

"Yeah, yeah, these ducts are a good three inches thick in all directions. I'm not worried. Oy, remind me why we can't jes' beam th' bloody thing out?"

"Because, Mr. Scott, we'll be beaming the entire place out with us. It has to be disconnected, first," came the voice of Jim Kirk. Scotty could hear the smile in his captain's voice. "And besides, it's fun to play espionage."

"At least you're on th' bloody dance floor. I'm crawling through a metal air duct searching for a reactor battery used to switch on a dilithium core."

"Jim, you should refrain from communicating with the radio as much as possible," Spock added, "as you are currently in the presence of our enemies."

"Yeah, yeah," Jim replied, "See you guys soon."

"Over," Spock said.

Scotty rolled his eyes, continuing to crawl.

***

Jim grinned as he stopped speaking into the tiny earpiece, adjusting his tie to make it looser. He stood and began to survey the scene in the crowded ballroom. Parties were so much fun. Especially gate-crashed ones.

He glanced towards the various exits, spotting several tough-looking men and women at each one, clad in varying classy-but-practical outfits.

The smugglers weren't stupid, he recalled, they knew how to run a business.

"Tchaikovsky," said a voice beside him.

Jim looked over to see Lieutenant Uhura approaching, a serious look on her face, clad in a long, flowing black dress and ballet flats, her long hair twisted into a tight, single braid.

"Can't you ever smile at me?" he asked her.

She bared her teeth at him, and turned towards the dancers. "Permission to speak freely, Captain."

"Shoot."

She made a face at him. "I hate you for making me do this."

Jim shrugged. "It was either you or Chekov and I preferred to let the kid not get himself killed. A little inconvenience for you is worth his life, eh?"

"You're Canadian now?"

"You're changing the subject."

"Well, it's obvious you're not going to make this a fair fight."

"You're afraid of verbally challenging me? You're the xenolinguist. Dazzle me with some brilliant Romulan proverb or something."

Uhura rolled her eyes and declared something in a guttural, sharp language.

"What's that mean?" Jim asked.

"It means, 'Your socks are filled with submarines'."

Jim stared at her, a blank expression on his face.

"Was that Romulan?" he queried.

"No. Klingon. If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit."

Jim grinned. "Where's Bones?" he asked.

"At the bar. I honestly don't see the point of this, Captain."

"The point of what?"

"Being here."

"Well…if you need me to repeat the point of the mission—"

"Not the damn mission, the point of us being here. Nearly all of the ship's officers."

"Sulu and Chekov are still on the ship, aren't they?"

"And the rest of us are here!"

"Nyota, relax."

Uhura glared at him.

"Spock's rubbing off on you," Jim added.

"Do you have something to say to me?"

"Well, he's always nagging me about being a rebel. Not following regulation and whatnot. I'd like to tell him to stop being such a hypocrite."

Uhura's eyes flashed dangerously.

Jim looked up into the balconies above. "This is The Nutcracker," he announced, distantly, "I always loved that musical as a kid. You?"

Grinding her teeth, Uhura replied: "Yes, I did. And it's a ballet, not a musical."

"Whatever. I think this is that one song I used to like. Chocolate."

"The Spanish Dance."

"Yep."

The bright, lively music abruptly ended and the lights began to dim as the song changed.

"Coffee," Uhura announced, "the Arabian Dance." She started for the dance floor.

"May I join you?" Jim asked.

"No," she said, smiling, "this is a solo act."

Jim grinned. She smiled at me, he thought, and headed over to the bar where Bones sat, nursing a beer.

"You're skating on thin ice, Jim," the doctor said, not looking up, staring into his glass.

Jim opened his mouth to reply, then closed it and turned around, leaning against the bar. A look of surprise crossed his face.

"Hey, did you know Uhura can do ballet?"

Bones looked up. "What?!" he demanded.

***

Nyota Uhura's mouth twitched in spite of herself. She had never told anyone but Spock she was a dancer. The shocked expression on her captain's and Bones's faces was worth the earful of teasing she would receive later.

She turned gracefully on the spot, lifting her arms into the air as the violins' soft music flowed through the room of cons—smugglers, thieves, and pirates alike.

Being here is a stupid idea, she thought, irritably, but what the hell. As long as I'm here, I might as well enjoy myself.

***

Back in the labyrinth of air ducts, Scotty blinked, checking his schematic of the venting system.

"Spock," he whispered, "I think I'm lost."

"Where are you? Where was your last turn?" the science officer replied, quietly.

"Lemme see…was…a wee bit back…'bout fifty feet. I turned left."

"You're on the right path. There will be a sharp near-vertical drop before you reach the battery core."

Scotty's breath caught in his throat as his hands groped at empty air. His heart rate accelerated sharply and he plunged into the darkness below.

"Mr. Scott?" Spock hissed.

Scotty tumbled head over heels into the black abyss and landed hard on his back with a loud thud.

"Mr. Scott?" the Vulcan repeated.

Winded, he tried to speak. Only a wisp of air and a slight aaaaah… escaped his lips.

"Scotty?"

Scotty gasped, sucking air back into his lungs. He coughed. "Spock," he rasped.

"Are you all right?" Spock asked.

"Thanks for your bloody warning," the engineer wheezed, slightly more stable now.

"I did warn you," Spock answered, tonelessly.

"Oh shut up. Are you at your end?"

"Yes. And you?'

Scotty rolled onto his stomach. "Ahh…" he moaned, scrunching his eyes shut in pain. "…Yeah, I think so…" He crawled into the next chamber, wincing as shooting pain shot through his chest. A dull greenish glow began to emanate from the center of the tiny room.

"You ready?" he asked.

"Yes. And you?"

"Let's get started."

***

Uhura sauntered back to Jim and Bones as her song ended and another one—Tea, the Chinese Dance, began.

"I never knew you—" Jim began.

"Save it for the weekend, Captain."

Bones grinned, taking a swig of his drink. "So, how do we know if they're done? Will we get a signal or something?"

Jim didn't respond. He was staring up into the balconies of the ballroom, watching two smartly dressed people talking to one another.

Urgently.

"Jim?"

Jim blinked. "What?"

Bones repeated the question.

The captain shrugged. "Spock or Scotty'll come up with something and contact us."

"I'm sensing this has not been thought out," Uhura said, apprehensively.

"Don't worry. We'll be in and out in a second. No one'll ever know."

That was when the lights went out, and all hell broke loose.

***

"Got it," Scotty hissed to Spock, "You ready?"

"Almost. All right. Yes. On three."

Scotty positioned himself directly above the battery.

"One," Spock began, "Two."

Scotty swallowed.

"Three."

Simultaneously, both men pulled the batteries out of their sockets.

"Captain," Scotty whispered, "We have them. We've got the batteries."

Static sounded over the radio.

A brief bit of sound cut through the white noise: "Scotty! Spock! Get the hell—t—there! Get—hell—out—shit!"

Static.

What the hell? Scotty thought.

FZZZZSSWM!

The head of engineering nearly jumped out of his skin as some long range weapon shot a hole in the air duct just feel from where he was kneeling.

"Oh, bloody hell," he groaned, and started to crawl back the way he'd come.

***

"We have to get out of here now," Jim said, as he saw four heavily armed men and women approaching in the dark red emergency lights that had been flipped on.

"I told you this was a bad idea," Bones growled.

"Never mind that now, come on!"

"Leave it to a couple of men to make me run for my life in a goddamn dress!" Uhura snarled, as the three of them broke into a run through the crowd.

***

Scotty's arms had begun to burn in protest as he squirmed through the duct towards the exit.

"Spock, where are you?!" he demanded, sharply, abandoning all attempts to keep quiet.

"Almost out," Spock replied, "What about the others?"

"The bloody thing's gone all staticy—you heard it!"

"The Enterprise's beaming technology cannot penetrate this building—they must be outside in order to be transported out."

"We can track their heat body heat signals from the ship."

Scotty blinked as he turned a corner to see the dim light of the outside world. Moving slightly ahead, he pointed his feet down the duct and kicked hard at the metal grille covering the entrance.

He pushed himself outside into the cool night to see Spock waiting for him.

Spock whipped out a communicator and spoke into it: "Commander Spock to Enterprise. Beam us up."

Golden circles of energy curved around the two men, and they disappeared into the darkness.

***

Scotty and Spock reappeared in Transporter Room 7.

Immediately, the engineering officer handed his battery to Spock and ran to the control panels. "Move!" he told a rather surprised cadet, who leapt out of his chair, searching on the screen for Kirk, Bones, and Uhura.

"There you are," he muttered, "Stop moving around so much!"

Dammit, he thought. Ordinarily he was pretty good capturing a moving target, but all three of them were far too spastic to lock onto.

He snatched a long-range communicator from a nearby cadet and shouted into it: "STOP MOVING, CAPTAIN!"

"I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN, SCOTTY!" Jim howled back.

Abruptly, both Bones and Uhura's signals slowed a bit, then stopped.

Taking advantage of the situation, Scotty energized them both.

Seconds later they appeared, breathing hard.

"Where the hell is Jim?!" Bones demanded.

"The bloody idiot's moving too much!" Scotty snarled.

Bones grabbed the communicator. "JIM, FREEZE!"

Kirk's signal froze in place.

Shocked, the engineering officer hit the button.

Golden circles of energy began to appear in the transporter.

Silence fell as slowly but surely, the figure of James T. Kirk appeared.

Scotty let out a breath of relief.

Jim grinned as he stepped off the transporter.

"You two got the goods?" he asked Scotty and Spock.

"Yes," Spock announced, holding up the two batteries.

"Ok, then. We've got ourselves a ship to save," he replied, "Scotty, get these installed immediately. Bones, prepare sickbay to receive patients of the U.S.S. Madeleine. The rest of you to the bridge. Good job, guys."