The school bell rings, signaling the start of classes at South Park elementary. The kids chat as Mr. Garrison enters.
"All right, class, settle down. Before we begin out studios today on why 'Profit' was a great TV series and shouldn't have been cancelled, I have an announcement to make: I know it's a little late in the semester, but…" he sees Eric raising a hand, "Eric, if you say I'm on my period again, that'll be three weeks detention."
"Just stretching," Eric lowers the hand.
"Anyway, we have a new student whose parents have just moved to our town. Her name is Ima," he walks back to the classroom door.
"I call dibs on the new chick," says Eric.
"You can't call dibs on a human being," says Kyle.
"Whatever, you're just jealous because you didn't think of it first."
A white girl with medium-length black hair walks in and faces the kids.
"Go ahead and introduce yourself to the class, Ima," says Mr. Garrison.
"Morning. Given name is Ima LeCri. My biological birth folks relocated to this non-expansive mountain town of folks of all walks of life. This experience will hopefully be better than the one in my previous town of residence," she stops speaking.
After a few seconds Mr. Garrison speaks, "Oh. That's it? I guess that's it. You can sit where ever you like. Class, just push your chairs out some so Ima can slide her desk in. Take your time, Ima."
She looks slowly left to right seeing Eric waving a hand widely.
"Oh! Oh! Over here!" Eric calls out.
"Between him and the medically-challenged student in orange," Ima says.
Eric puts a hand over his mouth and snickers at Kenny, "You're challenged."
"Your funeral," Mr. Garrison pushes the desk between Eric and Kenny.
Ima sits down, "Hello," she says to Eric.
"Hi."
"Okay, class, settle down. 'Profit' was an extremely short-lived television series from 1996 starring the charming and handsome Adrian Pasdar, playing a character not too dissimilar in ways to Dexter. In it he played a disturbed employee of a large firm who was willing to do far more than step on a few toes to climb the corporate ladder…"
.
The school bell rings. The kids pile into the halls between classes. Ima quickly makes her way out of the classroom and once out starts walking and looking around. Eric hustles a bit and catches up to her.
"I didn't have a chance to introduce myself: I'm Eric Cartman."
"Pleased to meet you. I'm sorry if I seem short, but I'm trying to find my locker," Ima replies.
"What number?" Eric asks.
"277."
"That's the next hall over, come on."
They walk together.
"If you don't mind me asking, what happened at your last school?" asks Eric.
"All the people there were so judgmental, intolerant, and racist. I tried to do something about it, but they blamed me! I heard you have a Starbucks, so hopefully things will be better here."
"Oh, I know what you mean, "Eric says, laying a thick load of lies on her, "I'll be minding my own business and people will call me fat and racist. I can't help being big-boned."
"Oh, you poor judged person. I acknowledge your hurt," she hugs him.
"Sweet," he says under his breath.
Then they continue walking.
Stan and Kyle pass by the hall, then stop and turn down it quickly when they recognize Eric.
"There he is," says Stan in a pissed tone.
"That bastard. Hey! Fatass! Thanks a lot for putting that note on my back that says 'Kick Me: I'm Jewish'. Our new German Social Studies teacher fucking kicked me," says Kyle angrily.
"What?" Ima says shocked.
Kyle continues, "Yeah, on my back! Cartman, I realize you're so fat that you wouldn't feel being kicked and the impact would ripple around your Tootsie Rolls of fat like Jell-O, but-"
"Be quiet!" Ima snaps at Kyle, cutting him off mid speech.
"Huh?" Kyle says, confused.
"How dare you judge this person! You're aggressive and offensive insults hurt already marginalized people with body appearance issues. And what in the world makes you think he'd do such a thing to you?" Ima barks.
Stan jumps in, "Ah, because Eric Cartman may be the mo0st evil person in all of North America and a racist anti-Semitic."
"See?" Eric says to Ima.
"Your negativity is exclusionary and hurtfully aggressive. Check your assumptions," she walks away with Eric. Eric pretends to stretch and flips them off as he does so.
"Dude – what the fuck just happened here?" Stan says, confused.
.
Kenny, Kyle, Stan and Eric sit at their usual lunch table.
"Okay … what the hell was that about earlier with the new girl?" Stan asks.
"Don't ask me – I assumed one of you would know," says Kyle.
"Okay, Cartman – I know you've only known her for two classes so far, but what kind of sick, twisted shit did you put in that unfortunate girl's head?" asks Stan.
"Ay! Isn't it possible a girl likes me?" Eric asks, annoyed.
"Well, I guess it just seems highly unlikely. I think there's a better chance of Wil Smith being famous again," says Stan.
"He's still alive?" Kyle asks.
"I'm pretty sure," Stan replies.
"For your information, Ima and I are getting along just fine."
"Hum. Maybe she was already fucked up before she moved here," Kyle postulates.
"Shhh! She's coming," Kenny warns.
They hush up as Ima walks over with a tray. She stops at their table.
"Hello, folks. Would it be permissible to join you all?"
"Ah, we're saving a space for our friend Butters, sorry," Stan answers.
"That's okay, Ima, we can eat together at the table behind us. If that's permissible," says Eric.
"Kiss ass," Kyle mouths to Eric.
"Your non aggressive offer is accepted," Ima replies to Eric.
Eric gets up and switches tables, sitting next to Ima.
"Did you guys do your math home work last night?" Stan asks.
"I finished mine last night," Kyle replies.
Butters comes walking over.
"Hey you guys, is that new girl still here?"
They motion for Butters to stop with their hands.
"What?!" Ima bellows.
Butters turns to face her, "I was just asking if you-"
"Oh my Zod – you're such a judgmental racist misogynist!" Ima says.
Butters replies confused, "I'm massagin' it?"
"My gender does not identify me! How dare you refer to other folks as 'guys'. You don't know the sex of everybody here and even if you did that's inclusive language, used to diminish a person in a passive aggressive way based upon their sex of choice. You have made me very uncomfortable!" Ima then sits up and storms out of the cafeteria, leaving dead silence as everybody looks at Butters.
Eric breaks the silence, "Wow, Butters – at this rate you'll never get laid."
"Oh, hamburgers."
.
Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Eric sit in their last class after recess.
"Thank God that new girl isn't in this class," says Kyle.
"Yeah, poor Butters locked himself in the hall bathroom the rest of lunch time," says Stan.
"I don't know if I can tolerate this new chick if she's going to be like this every day. I can turn the other cheek, but I still have ears," says Kyle.
The classroom door bursts open and a short and fat man with a Hitler bottom-lip mustache enters and stops at his desk, clicking his tall boots together.
"Guten tag, das children and vehlcome back to mein History un class. In today's continuing lehsson, vee leahrn vhy Germany vas de best country on zeh face of zee Earth und vill rize again. It all started vith zah master race. Eric Cartman?" pointing at Eric, who has his hand up.
"Mr. Krautklinger, Kyle's bothering me again."
"Broflofskinzieg, I am varning yew, ef you do not stop, I vill be forced to uze my final solution."
"Sorry, Mr. Krautklinger," says Kyle.
Eric snickers, having made Kyle apologize for no reason.
.
The next morning. All the kids sit in class chatting, waiting for the school day to begin.
"Hum. That new chick hasn't' come in yet," says Stan.
Kyle replies, "Maybe she finally figured fatass out and transferred for her own sanity and good."
"Kyle, my baloney has a first name and it's Shut the Fuck Up," says Eric.
The intercom system whines on.
"Attention students, will everyone please file into the gym in a peaceful and polite fashion for an important school announcement, m'kay?" the comm. Crackles off.
Eric stands up in his desk chair.
"Last one to the gym is an Anthony's wiener!"
"Oh, God, that's horrible," says Craig.
They all yell and scream and race to the classroom door.
The last of the kids file into the gym. Before them stands Principle Victoria, Mr. Mackey, officer Barbrady, and Ima.
"This doesn't look good. Remember when we used to come to school to actually learn things?" Kyle comments to Stan.
"All right, that should be everybody," Victoria says to Mackey. She steps up to the microphone,. "We have called you all in here this morning because it has come to my attention there is an inordinate number of aggressive and judgmental racists in our school. As opposed to the ordinate number of aggressive and judgmental racists in our school. After some consultation on the matter, South Park Elementary will be implementing two pilot systems to help curb your aggressive enthusiasm. One will be a language guide to help you better understand your offenses and the second is officer Barbrady here. He'll be our school's new Aggressions Officer, who will help enforce and maintain the newspeak. Officer?"
Barbrady steps up to the mic', "I am here strictly in a non-official capacity to aggressively enforce the new system against aggressive aggressions. Think of me more as that uncle who slapped the shit out of you when you mouthed off, only now with handcuffs. But not as that creepy uncle who would handcuff you and slap you around."
All the students in the bleachers stare at him blankly.
"That pretty much covers it. Thank you," Barbrady looks at the microphone, then Victoria, "Ah, do I drop it likes it's hot or what?"
"No, no, I'll take that, officer: it's the only microphone we can afford. So, here to help you better understand the new language guide is out newest student, Ima LeCri," Victoria hands the microphone to Ima.
Ima immediately speaks, "In order to help promote a more neutral and aggression-free safe environment, last night these were printed out for you all: the bias-Free Language Guide. Please take one when you leave the gym. So that we are all equal, gender, race, and religion identities are to be discouraged and neutrality promoted. There is no 'You guys', there is: folks, you all, y'all; 'guys' implies male dominance and inequality of the other sexes."
"There are other sexes?" Stan says quietly to his friends.
"Just male and female as far as I know," Kyle replies.
"What about a hermaphrodite?" Eric asks.
"That's just a combo," Kyle says to Eric."
"Yeah, like your mom," Stan says to Eric.
"Pft – really? Jokes about my mom as so fifteen years ago, Stan. Lame."
Kyle says to Stan, "Damn, he got you there."
Ima is still speaking, "… full range of contributions that we offer as individuals and members of groups. Making judgments is just another form of aggression. Check your assumptions: motives, intentions, y'all's expectations of conforming and group-think, power over others; how y'all speak to others, including: passive aggressiveness, exclusive language, unnecessary yelling, resentment, vocal negativity, and watch out for aggressive body language. And no touching. Remember to reframe from projecting opinions, and using the world 'I'."
"Why does she assume we're all guilty?" says Kyle.
"And just have fun. Remember: we can all create a better world one word at a time," Ima then hands Victoria back the microphone.
Eric says aloud, "Man, I sure hope 'balls' is one of those words that makes the world better. That'd be sweet."
They laugh.
"Thanks everybody and officer Barbrady is now on duty," says Victoria.
Everybody gets up to head back to their classes.
"I know there'd have to be something wrong with her if she liked you," Stan says to Eric.
"That assumption sounded awful aggressive to me, Stan."
"Sounds to me like you're assuming I'm assuming. Two can play that game," Stan retorts.
"Touché. I'm off to schmutz my girl. Later," Eric stands up and walks off.
Kyle talks to Stan as they reach the gym exit, "What does she see in him?"
"Two-hundred pounds of big bones?" Stan replies once out.
The laugh to each other, then do a quick high-five. After a few steps they stop, hearing something, and turn to look; there behind them is a fat little girl with a stunned look upon her face.
