Mitsuba

"Good after noon Mitsuba. How are you?"

I knelt in front of her grave and placed the roses down on the ground in front of me.

"I want to settle some things that have been on my mind recently. No, actually I wanted to tell you these things for a while now, but I wasn't able to get it out."

I placed my arms behind my head and fell backwards. Looking up at the sky, I wondered what I would say next.

Now that she's gone I wish I could have held her petite hand in mine; to be able to look at her smiling face with her cheeks a light rosy pink.

I have made many choices in my life that I regret, but for her I will live with them; I will live with myself and the replay of all the things I could have done differently.

"Mitsuba, I remember all the fretting Kondo-san made because of you and your love for spices; it was on par with my love for mayonnaise. Only your brother and I could handle the pounds of red pepper flakes and Tabasco sauce you placed on all of your food." A soft smile, without my realizing it, made its home on my lips.

"Sometimes I wonder, if I had another chance, would I have given you another answer; if I had told you the truth would it have been different?" I sat back up to take a cigarette out of the inside of my yukata, lit it up and inhaled before blowing out the smoke that carried itself up.

"These flowers, I know they aren't good enough of a compensation for all the trouble I caused you, but as long as you like them, that's enough." I thought of the smile I wish I could see, the smile she always had plastered on her face like everything was just fine the way it was.

In my head, we're together, something I secretly have always wanted. I'm imagining the life we could have had if I had taken you with me. Me and you, as well as Sougo lagging behind watching out for his beloved sister, as the two of us walked with our fingers intertwined. The feel of your lovely lips against mine, the sensation I never had the chance to experience.

One day I hope to be together, to be able to undergo the intimacy in another life; with all the wrongs I've committed, all the blood on my hands, is it possible for me? I didn't get to say goodbye to you and I won't, I don't want to jinx the opportunity to see you again; if I am allowed I want to look into your beautiful crimson eyes and say hello.

"In the end, I didn't get to say the things I wanted to out loud. I can only hope that you could hear me."

I stood up, took another drag from my cigarette and thought about what I had told that man who used Mitsuba I just want the girl I love to be happy.

"I love you, Mitsuba."