A/N When I first wrote this I had meant it to go along with the song Won't Turn Back by Needtobreathe which I couldn't due to copyright. So when you get to the part with the song title go look up the lyrics and read them. Even if you already have heard the song it makes the story so much more powerful to read them again at that point.
"What are the chances of success?"
"How many lives is this going to cost us?"
"Why did Coin authorize this?"
"Shhh he's right there."
I said nothing, gave no acknowledgement to the conversations around me. Straps slid into place and buckles clipped together as I dressed in the combat uniform of District 13. I could feel those around me sneaking glances in my direction. But I kept my eyes down, focused on my task. Meeting their eyes would only let me see the pity and bewilderment in their expressions. I couldn't handle that right now. Boggs, one of Coin's men, walked into the room to talk to the assembled soldiers.
"I know you've already heard this multiple times but I'm going to go through it once more. Now since this mission's purpose is to recover Katniss from the Capital there shouldn't be much fighting. We know from our spy the Capital's intentions. If they were to gain possession of," Boggs has said all this in his usual strong, commanding voice but then it breaks. The guilt and sadness in his tone hit me full force but I act unaffected. He swallows and continues. "To, ah, gain possession of Peeta as well we know how they will proceed. Their original plan was to torture Katniss on television and tell Peeta that they would only stop if he turned himself over. Snow assumed he would not refuse. Then they were going to capture both of them and have them publicly executed. The boy first, to make her watch before she died too. But we have found a way to get in and save her after…After the first death. So before the torture plan can be implemented Peeta is going to turn himself over. The rest of the Capital plan will play out as before. Your jobs have all been assigned to you and you have been trained repeatedly in your duties. Now make your way out to the waiting hovercraft."
Everyone begins to file out the door. I am the last one in the room. I am about to leave but Boggs puts his hand on my arm. I turn around and look at him. His face, usually unreadable and professional, is pained. He says in a rough voice, "Are you sure about this Peeta? We… There is no protection we can offer you. You are going to die." I don't even wince. "All I want is for Katniss to be safe," my voice is even. "You're dying for her? I must have no soul to be saying this to a man who is giving up his life for someone else. But why? Her love for you was a part of the Games. She faked it to keep herself alive. You would throw away your life for that?" Boggs said, all the while punishing himself for saying such horrible things to me. His words were agonizing, ripping open wounds that refused to heal. But from the outside I looked emotionless. I opened my mouth to speak.
"I am not a fool. I know Katniss doesn't love me, that she was acting to save herself. But I wasn't. Every bit of what I did was real. I love her more than anything and that fact isn't changed just because she doesn't return it. I'm going to do this. I know I'm not coming back. But as long as Katniss is safe, I am more than willing." Boggs just stared at me. It was hard to tell but I think he was choking back tears. "I'm heading out to the other men. Join us when you feel ready," he said walking out.
I made myself walk out to where the rest were gathered. Their eyes were incredulous. Silently asking me why. Why? Boggs lifted his eyebrow, giving me one last chance to change my mind.
Won't Turn Back
I made the final steps aboard the hovercraft. I found a seat in the back away from the others as the journey to the Capital began. By tonight Katniss would be safe. I leaned back, closed my eyes, and prepared myself to die.
