Stuck Like Glue (Literally)
Description: Alfred's inventions are always awesome, there is no denying it. Well, unless you're a communist bastard that is, nevermind the fact that Ivan is no longer communist anymore. And Russia had the nerve to doubt him and get them stuck in a predicament worse than death itself, for which Alfred would forever despise the bastards intrusion upon his genius. Because there's nothing about Ivan that makes him worth forgiving... Right?
Category:Humor/General Pairings: America/England Russia/China Russia/America
"The most amazing thing ever invented since time itself!" Alfred started dramatically as soon as he got to the podium to speak in the world meeting, carrying a cardboard box, "Because yours truly, the United States of Awesome has invented something that defies, like, math itself! I give you, the super awesome amazing American glue! Called Saaag." He said, taking the sealed container out of the box, "It's so amazing that once it sticks to something it's never coming off! It's just that amazing! Need to repair a spaceship or satellite and can't buy expensive parts? No problem! With Saaag you just slap some up on and problem fixed! Just. Like. That."
The room was silent for all of ten seconds at the end of Alfred's speech, his idiocy blowing their minds once more. Arthur was the first to speak, his British accent coming out in a long sarcastic drawl, "Because all of your products are sooo Alfred. I'm sure this will last just as long as the marshmallow cannon did."
He loved the taller nation, he really did, but as of the beginning of the 21st century it seemed like all of his products had a rather short expiration date. Especially the furniture.
"No, but seriously, this is different! It'll revolutionize science and everything! It'll cost less then all sorts of stuff and once we get it stabilized then it'll be like silly putty I'm sure, which increases the awesome factor!"
Arthur shook his head, the giant pieces of fuzz over his eyes creasing. "Alfred, silly putty is a child's toy..."
"You're just jealous that I have the genius to come up with glue that can be used as silly putty." Alfred nodded, still grinning like an idiot, "Or will be in the near future..."
"Alfred if it's glue that will make absolutely anything stick forever it would be very dangerous for children to play with it."
The french-man across from Arthur nodded, for once actually agreeing with his on-again off-again nemesis. "It is already probably too dangerous for you to play with Amerique."
"No dude, not now, it's still being tested, I said when it stabilized then we make it into silly putty. And it's not just for children, grown up play with it too. Good for the hand muscles like video games!" He said, giving a thumbs up, "So don't worry about a thing!"
From across the room Ivan chuckled, and Alfred narrowed his eyes in challenge towards the sound. The Russian smiled childishly at the blonde and addressed the room. "I do not think we have to worry about Alfred damaging is own people with his project, as pleasurable as that would be. I doubt he has actually managed to create a working invention in the first place, it always takes him so many test runs to even come close to succeeding and lately his people have been so Lazy..."
Some of the other nations even nodded at what Russia said, it did make some sense. And Alfred couldn't harm their countries with it until he'd gotten around to harming his own people, so it left them with less worries. The only person who had a dissenting thought who was willing to speak up for him was Canada, but nobody heard him, and anyone else who would stick up for Alfred
weren't about to disagree with Russia over glue of all things.
Alfred narrowed his eyes further, "When this goes on the market, you so will not be allowed to buy any!"
"Because I'd really want to buy any of your inferior products Alfred." Alfred pretended he hadn't heard Ivan speak continuing with the speech he already had prepared in his head.
"And for your information it does work, we've been testing it for a while. And my people are not lazy and neither am I! But this product will be better than anything you could come up with and make, you commie bastard."
"I take offense to that!" China piped in, "Ivan is not even communist anymore, so you are insulting me and my brother when you say that Aru!"
"But I was talking to him!" Alfred said, pointing an accusing finger at the said asshole.
"Well you shouldn't insult him either, we are supposed to be in a civilized meeting! Now stop being so childish aru!"
Arthur scowled at the Chinaman, "It's not as if the brute didn't insult Alfred's entire civilization first. He has the right to throw a jab in there to stick up for himself even if it is a silly unpolitically correct and foolish nickname developed several centuries ago."
"Was I just defended or insulted more?" Alfred asked, furrowing his eyebrows, only to be ignored as China glared at England.
"No, he doesn't have any right to do anything of the such, aru. Ivan brought up reasonable points about Alfred and his people to put us all at ease at Alfred's stupidity." Yao said, crossing his arms, "All Alfred did was make pointless, offensive comments that led us nowhere."
"Hey! Okay, you can insult my intelligence and my brilliant comebacks, but you can't ignore me!" Alfred yelled.
Arthur waved a hand at Alfred like he was a little kid trying to interupt mommy and daddy and not his lover. "Hold on Alfred, Yao and I are having a discussion now."
Alfred huffed, sticking his bottom lip out in a pout, "B-but my glue..."
"I think this discussion is over, It is clear that there is nothing more to argue." China sniffed, "It is clear who is in the right, aru."
Arthur glared, "An argument takes two China, and it ends by consent of two. Besides, you certainly aren't right if that's what you were thinking, just because your Ivan's slut doesn't mean you have the right to insult Alfred just because they're enemies."
"Oh sNAp." Alfred said, "And the little angry Brit makes an insult, what will the commie female do next?"
"Slut aru?" Yao asked enraged, standing up, "I am not Ivan's slut!"
"Well nobody could love Ivan, so unless he's paying you I can't see how else." Alfred said, shrugging, then furrowed his brows, "Huh, actually that would explain like a lot."
"How dare you both! I am not anybodies slut-"
Arthur interrupted with a haughty smirk that reminded Spain of the man's pirating days, "Oh, surely the Chink doth protest too much. Alfred voiced exactly what I was thinking, and you used to give quite a bit of yourself away or don't you remember the Open Door Policy?" Alfred decided to watch for a bit, he liked it when Arthur turned kind of badass. He glanced across the table to see Ivan sitting back and watching the show, small manipulative grin on the others smug face. Bastard probably planned this. And thinking about how to further use this against him!
Despite Alfred's paranoia, Ivan's mind was only half focused on the argument in front of him, his thoughts in a calm state of multitasking. His main priority for tonight was his shopping list. He couldn't seem to remember how many bottles of vodka were situated in his hotel room at the moment or how many he had already drank, knowing he should probably stop by a liquor store after the meeting let out. He could get some at the hotel but eventually they would cut him off. So how many was it? One... Two... Three... There was the ones he'd stored under the bathroom sink and... He'd drank the one on the nightstand right? So that made eight... nine...
"Oh? If I recall I was not the one who slept with half the world while in your more rebellious days.
"At least I always topped! Not like you, the feminine little porcelain doll trying to hold an argument with a real man."
"There's a real man in this argument?" Alfred muttered quietly, not really wanting to attract attention for like the first time in his life. Though the sex would probably be worth it if Arthur stayed in this mood.
"H-How dare you! You only topped because you forced yourself upon them! And you call yourself a gentleman aru!"
Britain's grin had turned into a vicious sneer, "I am. I always had them begging for it by the time I climaxed, so they got to know the pleasure of my dominance. Even you cried out for more, but then, you would."
"Okay, I don't need to know who you've been with before Arthur." Alfred muttered, even if it was kind of hot when the shorter blond put it that way.
China blushed in anger and embarrassment, "H-how dare you! That was a lon- I mean, that never happened aru! And are you saying that Spain was even willing? That is a blatant lie!"
"Well why don't we ask him?" England asked as he looked around the room. "Where is the bloody wanker anyway? If he won't settle this dispute..."
France moved away from where he was talking to Prussia with a suave smile, "Antonio ran when he saw this magnificent persona of your coming out Angleterre."
Arthur scowled, "Well bring him here then."
"I'd rather be the one to come to you Britain." France purred, sidling in closer.
"Hey, back off Frenchie." Alfred growled, glaring.
"Antonio is clearly scared of when you raped him, aru!" China accused.
"Or when I destroyed his ships." the Brit replied, not even seeming to notice France slowly inching toward him, smiling wickedly at Alfred. "Back off of what mon cherie?"
"You know perfectly what!" Alfred growled.
"He would have gotten over a few ships by now." Yao scoffed.
The Frenchman laughed and groped at Arthur only to be beaten so hard he flew across the room. "I beat him and left him stranded in the middle of the ocean isn't that traumatizing enough?"
Alfred smirked as Francis hit the wall, planning his own revenge for later, oh shiny thing. Alfred looked outside in fascination, "Perhaps." Yao said, "But that doesn't change the fact you are a whore."
Arthur laughed, "No, it's called a player. I top, which is socially acceptable for having multiple relationships. You bottom which makes you either a slut or a whore."
Ivan finished his count of vodka bottles, before standing to join the argument himself. "Do not listen to him Yao. He was once great, but he is now simply America's little boy toy. He insults you because he feels his own male parts have grown inadequate."
Yao looked somewhat relieved at the taller man's words, nodding in agreement as he sneered at Arthur, "So true."
"Hey, back off Russia." Alfred snapped, "Stay out of it if it's none of your business!"
Ivan smiled his childish smile and tilted his head to the side, "It is my business when someone insults my lover, and Arthur could use some humble pie. He grows far too cocky."
"Now I know it's none of your business as to how Arthur acts. Nor do you have the right to say that sort of stuff either, you bastard!" It seemed another pissing contest was already starting in the conference room when the one between China and Arthur had been all but forgotten.
Ivan chuckled, "I have the right to say whatever I please boy. You have no control over me."
"What, you want me to change that? Cause we can fight any time Braginski, you know I'd win. I'm right about everything, especially this. I'm just that amazing!"
"Not really, you're rather droll and predictable most times."
"Predictable? You call this predictable?" Alfred said, gesturing at himself, "Well, if being heroic amazing, able to combat everything and anything, invent anything in the world, do things that people say is impossible, dream big and still have time to insult your stupid face is predictable. Then yes, I suppose I am exactly that."
Ivan sat back a cocky smirk across his face, "Alfred, even your little speech right now is extremely predictable. As predictable as your failure to even produce working glue."
"My glue works perfectly, just like I said!" Alfred said, narrowing his eyes, "And don't you dare use my human name, Ivan." His lips curled around the name in a snarl, as if muttering the most disgusting word in existence.
The larger nation licked his lips, sharp canine teeth showing over the top of his mouth as he grinned, really grinned, and met Alfred's eyes in challenge. "Well Jones I don't suppose you'd actually be willing to prove that goo actually has a chance of being useful."
Eyes narrowing further, he knew he shouldn't, it was still being stabilized and everything, but to beat Ivan's smug, stupid face, it would be worth it. Then he came up with a brilliant idea, a smirk coming over his face, eyes becoming challenging, "Okay, Braginski, if you really want to prove me wrong. If my experiment really is crap, then prove it." Alfred said, picking the glue up out of the box, "Put it on your hand and touch something."
Ivan returned Alfred's smug facial expression walking around the table and toward Alfred, palm held open in front of him. "Alright then, I accept your challenge."
Alfred shook his head, clicking his tongue against the roof of his mouth, "No, without your glove on." The blonde insisted.
The Russian slipped the fabric off of his hand and held it out once more, "There. Are you satisfied?" He asked, not really caring if he pleased Alfred or not, but wanting to enact the idea slowly forming within his mind.
"With you? Never." It was true, if Ivan was around, everything became somehow worst. Still, soon, very soon his revenge would be taken! He undid the seal on the Saaag glue, tipping it up and pouring some on Ivan's hand, not too much, but a generous amount. He closed the cap, careful not to get any on himself, looking at the slightly taller man expectantly.
Ivan glanced at the gloppy mess in his hand, flexing his fingers and letting it slide around a bit before holding it out to Alfred, "Hey, America. I believe you." He lied with a smile, "How about you shake my hand you little winner."
Only Alfred would be stupid enough to fall for something like this before the glue had even dried, but since it was Alfred Ivan figured it was worth a try. And when a bright smile split across Alfred's face, it was clear he was fooled by the stroke to his pride.
"See! I knew even you'd come around!" He said, slapping his hand against Ivan's in a handshake. And then a moment later he froze, staring at Ivan with wide, disbelieving eyes, as if just realizing what exactly he had just done, "W-what?" Alfred asked, looking horrified, still too frozen to even comprehend moving.
Alfred's nemesis grinned with the accomplishment of his (in Alfred's eyes) notoriously evil scheme. He tried to pull his hand away, slight surprise showing when the glue failed to give immediately. "Well look at what we have here. It seems your glue can actually stick."
"You fucking idiot! What did you just do!" Alfred yelled, like it was Ivan's fault, left fist curling in a ball as he glared as he tried to swing at the taller, though it was harder since it wasn't his dominant hand.
"I tested your glue." Was the simple response to Alfred's dumb question. It was pretty obvious what Ivan had done.
"No, no, no, no." Alfred said, putting his foot on Ivan's stomach and pulling his arm, trying to get loose, "No, no, don't stick, don't dry." Panic starting to come over him at the thought that he might be stuck to his enemy for the rest of eternity.
Ivan frowned as he tried to tug away from Alfred as well, but their right hands remained clasped, only their fingers having the freedom to move. "Alfred... You're stupid glue is... It's working." He said, voice holding something that was a mix between desperation and anger. Alfred could not actually be stuck to him. The man's idiocy would drive him insane.
"No shit Sherlock, I told you it did. It's not like I haven't tested it!" This is what Ivan got for disbelieving him, but he shouldn't be punished too, karma didn't need to get back at him for anything! "Now get off, get off, get off!" He wanted the glue not to dry, it couldn't be dry, sure it dried really super quick, but he just couldn't be stuck like this!
"Do you think I'm not trying? I don't want to be stuck to YOU of all people."
"The feeling is mutual, so put your back into it and pull!" Alfred hissed.
And Ivan did, he really did try, but nothing happened. Their skin didn't even tear, as if the glue had decided it wouldn't even grant them that privilege. They were truly stuck. Stuck like glue.
Resakeilor: And that is the end of the beginning.
NekoKayia: Look another update x3
Resakeilor: Yep~ And Ivan and Alfred are stuck together now. What terrible tricks fate (and their own stupidity) plays on them.
NekoKayia: Honestly, I don't know who is stupider, Alfred or Ivan.
Resakeilor: Why not ask the readers? What do ya'll think? Let the debate begin.
NekoKayia: ...I hope nobody answers. You are to enthusiastic sometimes...
Resakeilor: I pick team Alfred!
NekoKayia: *wears team Ivan shirt* Yes, I went there xD
Resakeilor: Aright, seeya peoples! Tell us what you think while I fight an epic battle with Neko over which sexy male Hetalia character is more intelligent, hot, etc.
NekoKayia: Or don't, up to you, but comments are always loved~
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