HURT THE ONES YOU LOVE

As she watched him walk out the station door, slamming it behind him, she realised she had just made the biggest mistake of her life. She had just hurt the best friend she had ever had. Why could she never say what she meant?

That was stupid, she thought to herself. He'll never forgive me for this. The really annoying thing was she had thought of the perfect thing to say to him, it had just come out all wrong. What she had meant to say was she didn't want to ruin their friendship by rushing into things and she didn't want to risk either of them getting hurt, they had both had enough hurt to last a lifetime.

Bobby's friendship meant more to her than he knew and she had probably gone and ruined it for good. She couldn't help thinking that if she hadn't have gone to Jimmy for advice then things might not have gone the way they had. The thing about Jimmy was he always got her worked up so much she couldn't think straight sometimes. Damn him, she thought to herself.

As she left the station house and started on her way home she decided she would call Bobby as soon as she got home and try to repair some of the damage she had done. That's if he would even talk to her. The look he had had on his face when she had said that last night was a mistake was that of a child who had just had his favourite toy taken off him and told he couldn't have it back. It had been horrible.

She didn't know what she would do if he didn't forgive her. Who would she turn to in her times of need? No one understood her like Bobby did. It was like they knew what the other was thinking half the time; they always knew what to say to one another to make them feel better. That had been why she hadn't wanted to rush into things in the first place, she didn't want to lose that... ever.

But unless she could undo some of what she had just done it might be lost already, and that frightened her more than she liked to admit. When Bobby had asked her to look him in the eyes and tell him that she didn't love him she had felt lost for a moment, not knowing what to say, so she had told him that she loved him as a friend, which she did, but she just couldn't bring herself to tell him the truth.

The truth was she did love him as more than a friend but she didn't want to end up hurting him and having him hate her, causing her to hate herself even more than she already did. But in saying that she loved him only as a friend had ended up hurting him more than she had thought it would, she didn't think she could even forgive herself for that, so how could she expect Bobby to forgive her.

She looked up from the sidewalk to see where she was and realised she was almost home. She was thankful that Jimmy had Joey tonight; she would hate him to see her like this. She never wanted her son to see her like this, feeling sorry for herself. She always tried to be strong for him but it was hard sometimes. Especially when he asked why mommy and daddy didn't love each other anymore. Thinking that just got her feeling even more depressed and angry with herself for her actions this evening.

As she reached her apartment building she still didn't know what she would say to Bobby. She just wished things could go back to the way they were before Mattie had left, but after last night nothing would ever be the same again, not with her and Bobby or her and Jimmy. Everything had changed and not necessarily in a good way. Climbing up the stairs to her door she felt like everything was piling up on top of her.

She turned the key in the lock of her front door, went in and dumped her bag down on the floor and went over to the phone in the living room. Seating herself in the oversized chair next to the table, she dialled Bobby's number and prepared herself for the task of trying to repair their friendship. Only one thought was in her mind.

Why do you always end up hurting the ones you love?