Lord Voldermort decided he wanted to live in Ohio.
Why?
No idea. He just did.
ANYWAY, moving on, there in Ohio he met a girl named Emily who is 14. Again, for a random reason, he decided to get her pregnant! So he found a spell and thus made her pregnant. Why didn't he just get laid you ask? Emily said she would punch him in the face if he touched her. So the threat of physical violence kept him away.
Eight months later, Emily decides she's sick of carrying around a magical child in her stomach, and curses Lord Voldermort so he's pregnant with the kid instead of her. So, since he's male and can't give birth (plus the Death Eaters were having a hard time finding Maternity clothes in the men's department) Voldermort tracks down Emily, who is staying at a friend's house for the night. When he suddenly appears in the living room in the middle of a scary movie marathon, Emily, still suffering from after-effects of the pregnancy, gets pissed and starts going hormonal all up on his ass. Voldermort, also being pregnant, gets all teary eyed and yells at her, saying that she's not supporting the baby enough. This makes her even more pissed off, and since things happen when magical people get pissed, the tornado sirens start making their horrible sound. This makes her friend's parents drag the three into the hallway bathroom and then disappear. Emily's friend passes out in the bathtub because she's deathly afraid of the sirens. Emily and Voldermort continue bitching at each other until he remembers why he tracked down the teenager and magically tosses the kid back in Emily's stomach which makes her go into premature labor.
Emily was glaring at the ceiling of the infirmary, and Voldermort was standing in the corner smirking. Most of the Death Eaters were skipping around preparing the baby's nursery, while some were dressed in pink scrubs and cleaning the baby. Finally, one handed the baby to Voldermort, whom we shall now refer to as Tom because Tom is much easier and quicker to type over and over again than Voldermort.
"It's a boy My Lord!" the pink scrub clad Death Eater announced joyfully.
Tom scowled, making the Death Eater run away, then started talking in baby talk to his child. "Yes, that's right! You're so adorable-"
"That's the reason it takes so long for children to learn how to talk." came a dull voice.
Tom jumped, forgetting Emily was still in the room, and blushed. (Yes, the authoress knows Voldermort doesn't blush, but bare with her!) "Uhhh... here!"
Tom ran over to the bed and handed her the boy, who almost immedietly fell asleep in his mother's arms. Even she had to smile when she saw how cute he was, then glared back up at the father.
"You know my parents are going to be really pissed when they find out I gave birth to a kid at 14."
"And that's why we're married now!" Tom said happily, producing a fake marriage license with the name Thomas Riddle and Emily O'Conner.
"What part of FOURTEEN do you not understand!?"
"Uhh... the four part?"
"Fine. We're married, happy?"
"No."
"WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW!?"
"A daughter!" Tom said, skipping around and throwing flowers in the air. (He's still got some abnormal hormones left in his system from being pregnant for a month.)
All Emily could manage was a facepalm.
Fin.
