Chapter 1: The Boy Who Lived
Authors Note: I don't own Harry Potter.
Also: This story is going to be a little random, but will follow the events of the books, so if ya don't like reading random comedy, don't read it!
All was quiet in the quaint little village of Godric's Hollow; the night swept the firmament with an empty loathing. Not a star could be discerned in its vast array, creating a perfect setting for Halloween. Yet many cozy houses and quaint cottages had retired in the late night due to the ominous bleakness, something seemed disturbing in its wake. A cloaked figure walked in a clandestine manner along the road, flanked by houses. All throughout the street, lights were out, as families slept through the vile night, except for one peculiar two-story villa alit with an excited air. Through the second floor window, the cloaked figure gazed; in it was a fairly young man, with raven black hair, eying his young son humorously, blowing bubbles from a wooden wand into his face.
What kind of an idiot blows bubbles in a kid's face?, thought the cloaked figure.
As he watched ever more vigilantly, a second figure with red sweeping hair appeared in the window, arms resting imperiously on her hips as she stared at the bubble blowing idiot.
"James, what kind of an idiot blows bubbles in a kid's face?"
That's my kind of woman, thought the cloaked figure.
"The idiot you married plumpy pumpkin." replied the father in a flirty voice.
The cloaked figure was disgusted at the term.
The red haired lady leaned and pecked the man's face with a kiss.
"You know I don't like that name."
"Oh come off it, it's ingenious!"
"Ingenious? Then tell me who's the genius that left Harry to play with that Erumpment Horn in his toy box. Those are dangerous!"
"No they aren't, Sirius and I used to always use them at Hogwarts. They sure gave Severus a run. Heh heh."
The cloaked figure started to get annoyed at the petty talk of everyday spousal life.
"I'll never get the naughty boy out of you James," she sighed and changing the subject, "So...was the Wizarding Bowl Game a blast?"
"Oh yes, Remus and I both knocked the competition. He even got a bit naughty and mauled Lucius' expensive dragon tux. I had to pay for dry cleaning, but the expression on his face was worth it."
The idiot beamed happily.
That idiot Lucius, he didn't kill him when he had the chance; I'll make a mental note to Crucio him.
"So are we all packed to visit the relatives, hunnybuns?" asked the woman in another flirtatious voice.
"Ah… well I meant to pack but Peter Pettigrew wanted to tell me something at his house, but when I apparated, he wasn't there."
Enough of this crap! Explodicus!
The door exploded and chunks of molten wood flew through the air as the idiot said, "Honey could you get the door?"
Time to die! "ABRA KADABRA!"
A bunny appeared out of the end of his wand and landed on the ground.
"Oops, sorry." Always get those mixed up.
The idiot then said, "Who are you, you look familiar?"
"I am LORD VOLDEMORT!"
The wife gasped, her mouth agape, as the idiot husband said, "That sounds familiar… now where have I heard that before. Nope…wait…nowhere."
"You will pay for your insolence small fry! AVADA KADAVRA!"
"Don't look at the light honey!" The wife yelled.
"Pretty greeeeeeen liiiight!" Then he exploded through the wall, and admitted all his sins.
"No…honey." She said as she stifled a yawn.
"Give me the boy!" Lord Voldy shouted his voice chilling blood below absolute zero.
"I would rather die than give him up!"
"You don't have to die, ya know…we could arrange a date at the Leaky Cauldron… ya know… I have Death Eaters who are undercover there ya know… it would be magical ya know… someone as purty as you wouldn't… have to ya know…die."
"You shall not pass."
"That's what a first year told me when I tried to cut him at Hogwarts! Now… no more talking! Now… you…DIE!"
She gasped, and the camera zoomed in on each of them for thirty minutes, before Voldemort yelled, "AVADA KADAVRA!"
The alien light smothered the soul of Lily, her body doing a triple back-flip and a double helix before hitting the ground. The child clapped his hands at the spectacular show.
The mother now dead, the Dark Lord loomed over the baby boy laying on the floor, his dark cloak billowing like a curtain in a hurricane.
With a swish of his dark wand he uttered "Sweepicus garbagecus!" Lily flew like a rag-doll out of the Dark Lord's way toward the baby boy. The boy's gaze met his, sudden with fear. Voldy smiled as he advanced, his boots shaking the ground with each step. Then the boy's face exploded into a rosy cheeked smile. Voldemort halted, watching the boy's gaze drop to his imposing boots pointing like merciless daggers. Voldemort soon lowered his gaze to his feet in reply. A brown blotch stained the carpet that his right boot had stepped on. His nose soon detected a waft of odious displeasure, as the boy started to laugh. Voldemort gazed stupefied at his right boot as he lifted it up, poop dripping from the very sole of his defeet.
"Crap happens dear boy… not that you will escape it."
He raised his deadly wand. The boy grabbed his Erumpment horn.
"Avada!"
The boy threw the Erumpment Horn.
" KADAVRA!
The green light collided with the horn, much closer to the Dark Lord of course, and in an explosion of epic proportions, Voldemort was obliviated and thrown into a dimension of death, doom, and dental hygiene.
As he spun down a whirlwind of tapioca and egg yolk, he exclaimed "Nooooo! The power of LOOOOOVVVVEEEE!"
In the meantime the boy clapped in jovial adoration but was struck by a lightning shaped piece of shrapnel in the forehead.
Shortly after, the uber-climactic battle of iron wills, a soft whistling noise, which sounded like a wounded lark trying to hit a high 'c' broke the deathly silence. There was an old man skipping down the road.
He pulled out a device that looked oddly like a lighter and clicked it. A small orb of light disappeared from the lamppost, and rushed toward the old man, who clicked the button back and forth; the light dancing around like a drunk hit with a confundus charm. He let out a shriek of pure delight, and put the device back in his pocket, but the old man forgot that the light was now zooming toward him, like a nuclear missile aimed at Fat Albert. Greybeard screamed like a girl as his greybeard caught on fire, and after a bizarre hour of trying to find a Muggle water fountain he returned to the alleyway, his beard now half-gone, and half-black.
The elder walked up to the door and knocked on it. After five minutes he decided he'd have to get in himself. He said something under his breath and the door came off its hinges and landed outside of the house, but not before smacking the old man square on his freshly broken nose.
He strode in, not minding the dead corpse in the living room until he bumped into it. The old man nearly fell over, but stopped to focus his half-moon spectacles at the blob on the floor (his wand license forbade him from casting without corrective lenses). To his surprise, he saw a limp body in his way. "James? Do get up; your death charm doesn't amaze me." He leaned closer to the body.
"Are you deaf? Get up. Wingardium Leviosa!" The man's body levitated like a lifeless corpse (which it was!). "Alright James you asked for it." He looked around to make sure no one was watching. "CRUCIOO!" The body just lay there.
"Well," gasped the bearded wizard, "I do say we have a problem." He raced up the stairs, only to see what was once a room, but was now a heap of debris with torn walls, shreds of paper, and toys of all assortments. Greybeard gasped at the woman lying dead at the end of the stairs. "Lily's dead too? Better make sure, CRUC-"
"Wahhhhhhh!"
The wizard stood still, looking for the source of the sound. It cried again with more determination. With a leap, Greybeard was lifting bits of brick, wallpaper and soot from a child smothered in the pile. "Harry…" he muttered tenderly. "What is this?" he brushed away the dark hair of the baby's forehead to see a brilliant scar etched like a blade stroke.
"Cool." He replied.
"You poor child, how did this happen?" As he said this, the neighborhood seemed to wake up from the onslaught that besieged the Potter Residence. The wizard further delved with his blue eyes into the boy's, green and frightful. "Don't worry, you're safe Harry," said the old man Dumbledore, slowly rising with the frightened child in his grasp, as voices excited with dread and alarm punctured the rather quiet night atmosphere.
Dumbledore whipped out his iPhone and dialed a number. He talked for a while before dialing another number and doing the same. Fifteen minutes later, Dumbledore was still stroking the baby and reminding him that he had, "Nothing to fear."
Suddenly, a noise like an attacking beehive approached the house. A giant motorcycle exploded through what was left of the Potters' home. A giant behemoth leapt off of the motorcycle and the world shook immensely.
"Professor 'Umbledore, where is James an' Lily?"
Dumbledore continued to stroke Harry, "Oh….they're –uh- dead." He smiled.
Hagrid's eyes filled with disbelief, almost as fast as they filled with tears, he began to cry, and within a few drops Dumbledore was up to his chin in water.
"HAGRID! STOP CRYING!"
Hagrid flipped one last tear away, and Bathilda Bagshot's cottage exploded from its impact.
"Hagrid, I know it's hard for you that a raving lunatic broke into the Potters' house and brutally murdered two of your best friends. Whenever I am confronted with such things, I simply look on the bright side. Next time we go to the Disco, it won't cost as much."
This didn't seem to stabilize Hagrid's emotions.
"There will be more salsa at the fiestas!"
Hagrid seemed to be taking their deaths well. "Okay 'Umbledore. Whatda ya 'on't me ter do?"
"I need you to wait for one last person; she should be here any minute."
Suddenly the Potter's house changed into a disco floor.
"Minerva's here," said Hagrid.
Then a cat leapt in through the window, and started to dance.
"Minerva, I need you to…"
The cat kept dancing.
"Minerva!"
On she danced.
"MINERVA! THAT'S IT! CRUCIO!" The cat screamed like a…well, a cat being run over. She turned back into a wrinkly, old, prune of a woman.
"That hurt, Albus!"
Dumbledore didn't seem to be paying attention.
"Do you think that I should let Hagrid take the baby on the motorcycle?"
McGonagall looked like she was going to have a seizure, "What! Give the kid to that insolent buffoon!"
"Okay it is settled," said Dumbledore, "Hagrid take the baby."
"What! Have you not listened to a word I just said? Why did you even bring me here?"
"I don't know," replied Dumbledore. He then apparated to Privet Drive, and waited for Hagrid while carving a dove in some soap. He finished the dove as Hagrid flew in on the motorcycle.
"Eh Professor 'Umbledore can I ask yeh eh question?"
"Sure."
"Why didn't yeh 'ust apparate Harry over here instead 'a waitin' fer me to fly o'er?"
Dumbledore seemed to forget that he had allowed Hagrid to ask a question, as he delivered Harry to the Dursley's doorstep.
"Good luck…" he paused for dramatic effect, "Harry Potter."
"An' 'on't 'orget tuh right," said Hagrid as he started to fill Privet Drive with tears. The camera panned in on Harry's scar (like ya didn't know he had one,) and then zoomed out, to a giant sign that said
HARRY POTTER and the
SORCERER'S STONE
Then the dorky theme song started to play.
