So this is a story in three parts and I will update once a week. It's unbeta'd, so all mistakes are mine. The characteres are unluckily not mine, I just borrowed them. Enjoy and please let me know what you think.


Life was good. After Cas fell it was difficult for him because there were so many things that felt different and he had to remember to do things, like eat or drink and he struggled through those first weeks but since he arrived at the bunker it was easier.

Sam and Dean took good care of him and so he got used to being human real quickly. He learned to take care of himself, he learned to accept what happened and he learned to like the way things felt now.

Everything was a bit more present and a bit more overwhelming than it was when he was an angel. Sure he felt the chilly winter wind and he knew what touch felt like but now it was like a barrier was gone. Everything was much more direct and intense than before.

And only now did he notice what he experienced in his vessel and he understood things he barely gave a thought to before. The nagging feeling in his stomach his vessel experienced was hunger. The tingling sensation on his foot when he kicked something was pain. The fluttering motion of his heart whenever he saw Dean was love.

He only realized that last one when he arrived at the bunker. He had plenty of time to experience hunger and pain and cold on his way there. He also experienced fear when he met his fallen brothers and sisters and they tried to kill him for his involvement in Metatron's spell, but friendship and love….those came only when he arrived at the bunker.

The Winchesters took him in without question, without blaming him for what happened and Cas felt like he didn't deserve this and he tried to tell them but they wouldn't listen. Dean said they were all responsible in one way or another and now that Kevin was working on the tablet they would figure out what to do.

When Cas first knocked on their door and Dean opened, looking at him for a few seconds and then pulling him into a tight hug, Cas was concerned for a split moment because it felt like his heart just stopped working but then it picked up a much more rapid pace and Cas was confused.

Only when Dean showed him around in the bunker, leading him into every room and proudly showed him his own room did Cas understand.

His heart was still beating way too fast but now there was also this warmth that filled him and all he wanted to do was to touch Dean and it dawned to him that maybe he had fallen in love with Dean Winchester.

He spent enough time on earth, watching humanity to understand his feelings and he knew enough about Dean Winchester not to say anything. He knew it wouldn't be welcomed.

Cas was given his own room and the day after he arrived they went shopping for him so he didn't have to walk around in clothes he stole and that were too big on him. Dean got him two jeans, a few plaid shirts and good boots and when Cas promised to pay him back he just laughed.

"No need to, Cas", he said. "Just put them to good use and don't ruin them on your first day and it will be okay." Cas nodded, silently counting the times Dean had done something for him without expecting something in return and he came to the conclusion that it was way too often. He would never be able to repay Dean for everything he was, for being the man he was, and it only made him fall harder.

He never acted on his feelings and he didn't behave differently and Dean didn't seem to notice. But Sam started to look at him, to frown whenever he talked to Dean and to smile whenever he touched Dean and Cas thought that maybe Sam did notice. He decided not to tell Sam, though, he didn't want the younger Winchester to keep secrets from his brother and so he said nothing.

A few days after he made that decision Kevin came to him. It knocked at his door and when Cas opened Kevin stood before him, expression serious but unreadable, tablet clutched to his chest. "We have to talk."

Cas moved to let Kevin in and offered him a seat but Kevin walked up and down. "I came to you first because I think it's your business and you should decide what to do and I'm not even sure if it's important but I will tell Sam."

"Okay", Cas said slowly. Kevin stopped and shot him a serious look. "I found the spell Metatron used and I translated it, hoping it would come with a reverse spell."

"We know the spell he used."

"I know, I know, but it's about the ingredients."

"What about them?"

"They're special and there's a reason it had to be your grace." Cas just looked at him, waiting for him to go on. "The ingredients were all about love."

Cas sat down. He had suspected that there was a special reason why Metatron used his grace but only now, when he brought it into context with the other ingredients, did it make sense. But he was not sure if he was ready to hear that from someone else. Sure, he was in love with Dean but deciding that for yourself and hearing it from someone else was something completely different.

Kevin just went on with his explanation. "So the first trial was to get the heart of a nephilim, which is a love child from an angel and a human." Cas nodded. "The second trial was to get the bow of a cupid who is an angel who brings love to humans." Cas nodded again. "And the last trial was to get the grace of an angel in love with a human." Another nod from Cas. "You're in love with Dean."

"Yes, I am."

"You have been for a long time." Cas thought about that. He thought about the fluttering feeling he had in his chest and which he had always misinterpreted a reaction to stress or fear and he realized it had been there from the very beginning. "Yes, I have."

Kevin started to pace again. "Geez, that is crazy, it's…."

"Kevin", Cas interrupted him, "you cannot tell."

That stopped him dead. "But maybe it's important. Maybe we need to know that to reverse it." "Maybe. But we don't know that yet. And Dean doesn't need to know that."

Kevin looked at him quizzically. "Maybe you should tell him." Cas turned away. He would not tell Dean what he felt. He could imagine how Dean would react and he wasn't ready to put him through that. Kevin seemed to understand.

"You have to tell Sam. He's working on this with me and I have to tell him what I found. But this is your thing so you should do it." Cas sighed. "I appreciate that you came to me first. Thank you."

"No problem. Just tell Sam, okay. I have to get this done."

"Give…give me a day, okay?"

"Sure", Kevin agreed. "A day off will do me good", he mumbled as he left Cas' room.

Now it was Cas turn to pace through his room. He knew what he felt and he was okay with it. He was not ashamed of his feelings and he somehow always knew that it would come to this. It seemed inevitable that he fell for Dean. Who else would capture his heart?

But telling someone that was a completely different matter. He could not imagine telling Dean because it would put a strain on their relationship. Dean would feel like he has to answer him or he would change or avoid him and Cas didn't want to put him through that.

Dean seemed happy for the first time Cas knew him and Cas confessing his love would dampen or even ruin that. Telling Sam wouldn't nearly be as bad and maybe it would even help him to finally say it but he wasn't sure.

Cas debated with himself for the rest of the day and couldn't decide.

In the evening it knocked again on his door. "Cas? You alright? It's dinner time…" Cas looked at his clock and indeed it was already 7 pm. He didn't notice how the time went by. He opened the door and Dean was looking concerned at him. "Are you alright, Cas?"

"Yes, I'm fine. Sorry I was thinking and didn't notice how time flew." Dean still didn't look convinced. "What's giving you such a headache?" Cas shook his head and pushed past Dean. "Nothing. It's not important. I'll figure it out for myself." He walked towards the kitchen, feeling Dean close behind him.

During dinner he avoided everyone's eyes and he could tell that Dean was still worried. Sam noticed, too, and tried to distract them. "Kev, did you find anything new on the tablet?"

Kevin shot a glaring look at Cas and then turned to Sam. "I think I'm onto something. I'll probably have something tomorrow." What a nice way to remind Cas of his deadline. As if he could forget that.

"Good. Maybe we'll find a way to get your grace back, Cas."

"Yeah, maybe," he mumbled into his food. He avoided any other conversation, just listening to the others and when they were finished he excused himself.

Now Sam was worried too, he could tell, and this needed to stop. He didn't want them to worry because of him. There was already enough on their minds. So after another two hours in his room he finally decided to tell Sam.

He went looking for him and found him with Dean on the couch in the living-room watching some movie Cas didn't recognize. He stopped in the doorway to watch Dean and Sam argue over some facts. It felt good to see them like that and he smiled.

At some point Dean turned his head a bit and saw him thought the corner of his eye. "Join us?" Now Sam was also looking at him and already made some space on the couch.

"No. I just wanted to talk to Sam for a second."

"Sure. What's up?", he asked and pressed the pause button.

"Err, could we talk outside?" Dean frowned but Sam immediately got up. "Cas, what's going on? You've been strange the whole day", Dean said.

"It's nothing. I just need to talk with Sam about something. Everything is fine I promise."

"If it's nothing you can tell me, too," Dean said and also got up.

"Dean", Sam said. "Why don't you go on with the movie. I'll be back." He didn't wait for a response before he walked into the kitchen. He closed the door behind Cas. "Okay. What's up?"

Cas paced though the kitchen before he stopped and clutched at the rest of a

chair until his knuckles turned white. "Kevin found something on the tablet. He told me first and I'm not sure if it's important but he wants to tell you and he gave me a chance to do it first."

"I don't really understand."

Cas inhaled deeply. "It's about the ingredients for the spell. They essentially…I'm in love with Dean", he finally blurted out.

Sam blinked once and then said: "Okay. But I don't get the context here."

Cas started to pace again. He copied it from Kevin and it was becoming a habit that he had to stop. He forced himself to stand still. "The grace Metatron used had to be from an angel in love with a human. That's why he used me. He needed my grace. Kevin translated the spell and found that out and he wanted to tell you but he came to me first. I'm not even sure it's important now but still. He thought you should know."

He finally stopped talking and looked at Sam.. "Will you tell him?", Sam asked.

"No. Not now. Not….yet." Sam nodded. "I think you should, though. But you have to decide that for yourself."

"So…you're okay with it?" Cas reluctantly asked.

Sam laughed. "Why wouldn't I be? You're a good man, Cas and you're family and I think no one could love my brother better than you."

Cas smiled at that. "Thank you." Sam came over to briefly hug him.

"I will not tell him. Until that part of the spell becomes important, okay?"

"Thanks", Cas murmured.

"You gonna watch the movie with us?"

"I don't know what's it about."

"We'll tell you. Grab a beer and join us."

Cas did as Sam told him and when he joined them on the couch, Dean rewound the movie and didn't ask what they talked about. Cas had to admit that he felt better now that he told Sam and he actually enjoyed the movie.

Life went on like this and everything was quiet. Sam and Dean checked the news frequently to look for fallen angels who decided to go rampage but they didn't find anything and Kevin continued to translate the tablet.

He skipped every meal now and he looked like hell and everyone was worried by the time a week passed.

One evening when they sat at dinner together Kevin barged in, nose bleeding. "I found something, and sorry, it's bad news."

Everyone looked at him worried and Kevin looked at Cas. "As far as I understand your grace was used up during the spell. There's no way you'll ever get it back. I'm sorry. I wish I had better news."

Now three pairs of eyes were looking at Cas and he could tell that they waited for a reaction from him, maybe even a breakdown but Cas felt fine. "That's okay", he said. "I grew quite fond of my human life and how things are."

It didn't seem to matter to Dean that he was okay with that because he obviously was angry. "That bastard", he shouted. "Why would he do that to you? You don't deserve that. He will pay for that, don't worry."

Cas laid a reassuring hand on Dean's forearm. "Don't put yourself in danger by fighting Metatron. It's not worth it."

During their little argument Sam had seated Kevin on the table and got a towel to stop the blood that was still running from his nose. Cas ignored Dean in favor of turning to Kevin.

"You need to slow down, Kevin. You have to take better care of yourself and you need to stop working for a few days."

"I can't, I have to finish the translation", Kevin muffled from under the towel. "I think I'm close to something and the earlier I finish this the earlier you can undo whatever Metatron did."

"But it's no good to us if you're in a coma or dead", Sam said.

"You will take a little holiday and you will eat and sleep properly and when you're back to your full strength than you can go back to work," Dean added and his tone allowed no protest and Kevin shut up.

"Fine", he finally snapped. "But if the angels kill hundreds of innocent people don't blame me."

"We wouldn't", Sam said and briefly looked over at Dean.

Cas could clearly read what Dean was thinking: "It would be on me".

It pained Cas to know that Dean blamed himself for that when it was so very clearly his own fault.

But he didn't comment on it and just watched how the Winchesters took care of Kevin. Dean made him a soup, Sam got him a blanket and then they brought him to his room.

When they came back Dean sighed. "The kid's totally worn down. We should've kept a better eye on him." Sam nodded and got them all a beer. When they sat down at the table the brothers looked concerned at Cas.

Before they could start he already stopped them. "So I'm not going to be an angel again. That's okay. Now we should concentrate on reversing the spell Metatron cast."

Dean narrowed his eyes and looked quizzically at Cas. "You knew. You knew that you wouldn't get your grace back." Cas tilted his head and traced some patterns on the table with his fingers. "I assumed, yes. What Metatron did was a very powerful spell and it needed power to work. The grace is like a little reactor but it has its limits. It was used up during the spell, drained until nothing was left. I never had real hope that I would get it back."

"Why didn't you say anything? This whole time we were going on about how we would get it back for you and you said nothing."

"You would've worried and I didn't want you to. There's no changing what happened and I'm fine with it."

"Of course we would've worried", Sam interjected. "Knowing that there's a way to get your grace back and knowing that it's gone and being human is final is a whole different story. It's a whole different way of coping." Cas sighed. "No it's not. I'm coping just fine. Being human is not as difficult as I thought."

"What about being mortal?", Dean asked. "That's a little scary", Cas admitted. "I have to be careful with nearly everything that I do but until now it worked just fine. I'm okay with this."

Dean scrubbed his face. "Okay. I believe you. But you've gotta tell us those things. You can't just keep them from us."

"Sorry. I thought it wasn't that important."

"Not important?", Dean asked incredulous. "If it's important to you it is to us. And it puts a whole different light on everything. Now we can just gank the bastard instead of getting him to talk."

Cas smiled. "Maybe we should wait until we reversed the spell."

"Yes. That would be wise", Sam hesitated for a second. "And you're really fine?"

"Yes. I am. Stop asking. I expected this, so it's no real disappointment. If this is the way I have to live now I will. It doesn't seem so hard yet."

Dean laughed. "Wait until you get hurt for the first time or fall in love. Then we'll talk again." Sam shot Cas a look but he just smiled. "I'll remember that."

After that they dropped the topic and a discussion about the last movie they watched started.

The next heaven related thing happened a few days after that. Kevin was still on recovering duty so there was no new information regarding the spell. They were still frequently checking the news but either the angels were behaving really good or they were excellent in covering their tracks.

Cas feared that they were looking for him and he asked Dean to escort him into the city. "Sure", he said and folded the paper. "We have to go grocery shopping as well so we can combine that. What do you wanna do?"

"I need to get warded." Dean looked surprised at him. "Good thinking. You should've got an anti possession tattoo the minute you got here."

"I was more thinking about an angel warding tattoo. I think they are the more pressing matter."

"You think they're looking for you?", Dean asked as they got into the car. "I believe so. They felt my grace in the spell and I guess they want to kill me."

"You sound like you've already met some of them", Dean said and briefly looked over at him. "I did", Cas nodded. "I met two on my way here. They were very adamant on making me pay for what I did."

"You have to tell us those things! Didn't we talk about that?" A brief pause. "Were you hurt?"

"I got cut but it healed just fine. But I think I'm putting you in danger so getting warded seemed like a good idea."

"You know that the bunker is warded, right?"

"If it wasn't I wouldn't have come. But I do wanna leave it from time to time."

"What?", Dean asked as they parked in front of a tattoo shop. "You would've stayed away? Would you have told us what happened? How you were?"

"I guess I would have called you. But meeting…I don't' think so." Dean kept himself busy, fiddling with the keys. "Good thing the bunker is warded then."

Cas smiled slightly but it waved a bit when they entered the shop. He heard the buzzing of a needle in the back of the room and he got nervous. "Don't worry", Dean said who picked up the rigid touch in Cas' shoulders. "It won't hurt that much. And I'll be right here." He looked around the shop. "Do you know what it should look like? Where you will get it?"

"Yes", Cas nodded firmly and got a paper out of his pocket. "I've drawn it."

"Good then it shouldn't take that long." They waited until a man emerged from the back of the room. He gave them a look-over and then greeted them. "What can I do for you?"

Cas took a step forward and handed the man the paper. "I would like to get this on my ribs, right here", he said and lifted his shirt to show him. He heard Dean gulp and when he turned around he saw that Dean was looking at some pictures. Cas turned back to the artist. "Could you do that now?"

"Sure", he pointed towards Dean. "He's staying?" "You can wait here, Dean, if you want."

"You sure you can handle this?"

"I'm a big guy, as you say. I think I'll manage." Dean shrugged and seated himself in one of the chairs and Cas followed the man.

It took nearly two hours to complete the tattoo and by the end Cas was clenching his teeth. It was not a very pleasant feeling to get ink under your skin but it was a necessity. When the man, Jack, was done he exhaled deeply, enjoying the silence and the way the pain subsided. He looked at the writing on his chest and relaxed a bit. He was much safer now.

They went back into the first room and found Dean reading in one of the tattoo magazines. His head snapped up when he heard them and then he walked over. "How did it go?"

"Very well", Cas answered. "I should be safe now."

"Great." He turned to Jack. "How much do you get?"

"300$." Dean paid him, yet another thing he wouldn't let Cas do and for which he would probably never be able to pay him back, and they left the shop.

When they got back to the Impala they noticed two men standing at the driver's door. When they saw them they smiled triumphantly and came over.

Cas grabbed Dean's arm to stop him. "Angels", he hissed. "What? How? You just got warded!"

"And that's exactly how we found you. You vanished and we narrowed down the places you could be." "And besides you have a very flashy car", the second one added.

"Hey, careful", Dean said and moved a bit in front of Cas. "What do you want from him?"

"We want to repay him for what he did to us", the man on the right said. "He took our home away and now we're going to take his. We'll make him suffer", the left one spit out.

"Why don't you go after Metatron? He's the one who cast the spell. And besides we're trying to undo whatever he did."

"He's in heaven," the left angel said with barely repressed anger. "We cannot reach him. And Castiel helped him."

"I didn't know what Metatron was doing. He used me. He took my grace." Now both smiled. "You're human", the right angel said. "Easier to kill", the left one added.

"Geez," Dean muttered. "Can you even talk without each other?" he asked a little louder.

"You won't find out"." "Step aside and we'll let you live."

"Yeah, right. Not happening." Dean said and pulled an angel blade from his sleeve. "You won't get him."

The angels just laughed and materialized their own blades. When they barged forwards Dean shoved Cas back, shielding him from them. He tried to fight both of them but after a few seconds one of them came towards Cas. He had his own blade ready but he knew that he probably couldn't take him on a long fight so he hoped this would end quickly.

He dodged the first few strikes and then hit him in the face. The angel stumbled back, surprised, and Cas used that opening to sink his blade into the angel's chest. The grace exploded and he turned around to Dean ready to help him but as he took a step forward Dean also finished the fight.

They stood over the dead bodies and looked at each other, both breathing slightly faster. "You okay?" Dean asked and it was the most ridiculous thing to ask because it was very obviously Dean who was hurt.

"You're bleeding", Cas said instead of an answer and walked towards Dean. "I know", Dean answered and covered the cut on his arm with the other hand. "But are you hurt?"

"No, I'm not. Let me have a look at that", Cas demanded and extended his hand to push Dean's away. It was a deep cut which would require stitches and Cas felt how his stomach clenched. Dean got hurt because of him. Again.

Dean seemed to know what Cas was thinking because he clapped his shoulder. "Don't worry. It's just a cut. It'll heal." Cas nodded but didn't move away. "Come on, we should get back to the bunker. Sam can do the shopping."

"Can you drive with that?", Cas asked worried. "Of course. Like I said it's nothing. Now get in."

"I'm sorry." Cas said after a few minutes of silent driving. "About what?" "Putting you in danger." Cas could practically hear Dean's eye roll. "Don't you dare apologize for that." He didn't say anything else and Cas didn't either.

When they arrived back at the bunker Dean tossed his keys and the grocery list at Sam. "You have to shop. I need stitches."

"What happened?", Sam asked and scrambled to his feet. "Is it bad?"

"Two angels attacked us. I'll live. Stop poking at it", he sighed and pushed Sam's hand away. "Just get going. Or there will be no dinner." Sam turned his attention to Cas. "Are you hurt?"

"No, only Dean."

"Will you stop that? Things happen. People get hurt. It's not your damn fault."

"Dean calm down. Let me stitch you up before I go."

"No, Cas can do it. It's time he learns." Cas swallowed. He was not particularly fond of using a needle on him but Dean allowed no argument. He ushered Sam out of the bunker and Cas into the infirmary.

"You know how to do that?"

"Theoretically", Cas answered and eyed the needle Dean held towards him. "Good. Then let's get it done." He talked Cas through the whole process and in the end he seemed pleased. "That's good work."

"Thanks. Let's not do it again soon, okay?" Dean laughed. "Deal."

They seemed to have taken longer than they realized, or Sam was really fast because he was already in the kitchen, putting away the groceries. "How'd it go? You good?" Dean nodded and selected the things he would need for dinner. "Cas is a natural." Sam smiled at Cas but he felt uneasy with being a natural at stitching wounds up.

"I'll go see through Kevin's notes again. Maybe I'll find some more details about the spell or something." Dean didn't acknowledge him already too busy preparing the meat but Cas nodded. "How is Kevin?"

"Asleep, the last time I checked. He does nothing but eat and sleep."

"He needs it."

"Obviously", Sam said and then he was out of the door.

Cas stayed in the doorway unsure of what to do now and then he went to check his tattoo. It locked exactly like he drew it and the angels confirmed that it worked so he shouldn't worry.

But what if this absence from the angel radar worked against them? What if that led them here and he jeopardized Dean and Sam's safety? He decided that if his tattoo really brought more angel to him he would leave. He would not further endanger Dean and Sam and he would certainly not let them fight his fight. His heart hurt at the thought of leaving Dean but he didn't dwell on it. It was the best he could do.

He changed into something more comfortable and then went back to the kitchen. Dean was still busy with dinner and he didn't notice Cas, who stayed in the doorway, watching Dean and it made him happy.

After a few minutes Dean started to hum and Cas thought that he wouldn't mind seeing this forever. Dean knew exactly what he was doing and so dinner was ready after a short time. He put the plates on the table and still didn't notice Cas.

Only when he got the pan he finally noticed him. He gave everyone a slap of stew and before he yelled for Sam he smiled at Cas. "Come on, sit down. It's your favourite."

Cas heart swelled at those words and before he could stop himself he said: "I love you."