How I Got my Wife
POV of Barney Stinson
Bros… it was awesome. I was living in New York, a young, single, shockingly well dressed, bachelor on the prowl. I was like Old Mcdonald and the city was my farm, with a brunette here and a blonde there, here a chick there a chick, everywhere a chick chick.
Anyways I was out one night with my best bro Teddy Westside when he saw this smoking hottie across the bar. I knew she was way out of his league so as his bro I decided to give him a chance. I got them talking by using a ruse from the wingman's guidebook called "Have you met Ted". Ted was all into it and she even gave him a napkin with a number on it. But since Ted had the game of a 14-year-old band geek, she sloshed her martini right in his face. As she was walking back to her table she was eyeballing me head to toe, so I threw her a wink to peak her desire.
Ted tried to get with her over and over again, but she turned him down time and time again. She wanted someone more than Ted. She wanted a fine gentleman in a suit and tie, someone who fueled her fiery passion, someone with a body of an Adonis, someone who could make god himself, blush. Otherwise known as me.
Eventually she gave into Ted's nagging and started dating him, but yet still she was not dating Ted for Ted. Being his best bro she was simply trying to get closer to me. She was a saucy minx, but yet not as sly as I, as jealousy is the king of lust. As she was stuck with her second choice man, I went through the women of New York as if they were M&Ms. None could resist the radiance of awesome I left behind where ever I went. The more girls I banged, the more she desired me. It was a win win situation.
Her jealousy grew like bamboo in china. She wanted me more then ever. She was done with Ted and was going after what she really wanted. I pushed her away just a little more, until finally I allowed her a taste. We dated and had the passion of two lions in springtime. Our passion was so much that it even drove us apart. We banged so much that we did not have time to take care of ourselves. It was bound to happen since I was such a perfect man, and she a beautiful woman. I became ugly, my suits began to stretch, and my self-respect took a dive. We broke up.
But it was not long there after that I realized that my initial instincts were correct, I wanted Robin and she me. So I began the play all over, but this time it needed to be more than just drunk chicks and strippers to make her want me again, it would have to be "real" relationships to peak her jealousy a second time around.
I started with her friend, Nora, a bodacious British babe who was girlfriend material. I treated her like a queen and paraded her for all to see. For a minute there it was almost enough to get Robin back. But alas she turned me down, and I lost Nora in the process.
She wanted more? I would give her more. I found another girl who almost measured up to me on the awesome scale. She was a stripper (ya I dated a stripper, jealous?). I proposed to the stripper and we were engaged (didn't even have to pay her, what up). This was to prove to Robin that I was finally serious, I finally was ready to settle down.
The next and final step to my plan came into place when I met Patrice. What could stoke a woman's jealousy fire more than me dating her arch nemesis? I leaked a story that I was going to propose to her on the roof, knowing that this would be too much for Robin to handle. She would show up to stop and I would finally have my one true love, the only one as awesome as me, Robin.
I wrote a book of all the bamboozles, flim flams, and gambits that I ran to pick up girls, but no one ever knew that the whole book was just one play. The one play that led to me to Robin.
Stinson, out.
