Title: Deadtaquitos!
Rating: T
Summary: Deadpool mysteriously wakes up in Gotham City where he meets Batman and Catwoman, and a few other nice folks. In Italics are when Deadpool breaks the fourth wall to address either the readers or the writer, or possibly both. Crack fic!
Disclaimer: I do not own anything Marvel or DC related. I do however have some taquitos... No Wade, you can't have them!
AN: This is a complete crack fic! Inspired by my 5 year old Godson playing with Batman and Deadpool action figures together, I was also eating taquitos at the time so that's why Deadpool (read me!) was kind of obsessed with taquitos.
Prologue: Taquitos and the Batsignal
When Wade Wilson aka Deadpool woke in the middle of the night, lying in a puddle of really dirty water, in some back alley of God only knows where and he didn't even remember how he got there, he only had one thing to say.
"Damn it, where the hell are my taquitos?" He yelled, searching around the immediate area, only to come up taquitoless.
"Hey you! Yeah you, reading this story. Have you seen my taquitos?" Wade looked expectantly at his audiance.
"Well don't just stare at me! Answer me! Taquitos? Seen 'em?" Recieving no answer, Deadpool sighed and walked out of the alley.
He just wanted a couple of taquitos, to get laid, to go home and maybe a short killing spree. Was that too much for a psychotic mercenary to ask for? As he walked, he noticed something up in the sky. It was a some kind of giant flashlight with a bird sign or something. Feeling curious, he decided to find out where it came from so he grabbed a homeless guy off the street and dragged him back into the alley.
"What the hell is that?" Wade asked, pointing the tip of his katana back and forth between the man's throat and signal in the sky.
"The Batsignal." Came the nervous reply. Wade put his sword away and began waving a small hand gun around in thought.
"Batsignal? What does it do?"
"It alerts Batman to trouble in Gotham."
"Batman? Batsignal? What's next the Batcar?"
"Batmobile actually."
"Jeez, that's some ego. I should start calling everything DeadFillInTheBlank. The Deadsword! The Deadcar! Deadgun! Deadtaquitos! By the way, you don't happen to know where a guy could get some taquitos around here do you?" The homeless man shook his head and Wade got annoyed. He pointed his gun it at the man's temple.
"You have one sliver of a chance to live, tell me when I can find this Batsignal."
"On the roof of the police station! I'll take you there myself!" The man cried out, praying to any God that would listen that this crazy man in a mask wouldn't kill him.
"Road trip! Come on buddy, let's go!" Wade dragged the poor man around by his arm, nearly pulling it out of the socket while he was giving directions. It only took about 10 minutes and then they were standing in front of the GCPD.
"It's up there?"
"Yes! Yes!"
"Well thanks Tim!"
"My name is Frank."
"Well I named you Tim! You know, I don't think you're being very grateful. I allowed you to show me around and you're still breathing, just shut up and enjoy your new name Tim!" Wade looked at the blubbering mess of a man standing next to him and decided he wasn't even worthy of the name Tim. With a hyena like giggle, Wade unsheathed his sword and sliced the man's head off.
"Have a nice night Frank!" He said as he waltzed around the back of the building. He noted a fire scape and merrily climbed his way up.
"Merrily? Who the hell says 'merrily'?"
"Wade now isn't the time. I'm trying to tell a story here."
"Yeah I get that but come on, 'merrily'? You couldn't think of a better word?"
"Would gayly do?"
"Umm, we'll stick with 'merrily'."
"That's what I thought... you homo phob."
"Hey I'm not a homo phob. I'm just making sure all the ladies know I'm straight."
"Wade, do you actually look like Ryan Reynolds under that mask?"
"Err, no."
"Well then what girl, other than me, would be crazy enough to sleep with you?"
"I don't... you would sleep with me?"
"That's not the point. The point is we need to get back to the story!"
"Fine, fine but we are talking about this later. Oh look, I'm at the top... and holy shit hot chick in skin tight purple leather!"
