Okay, this is proof that I've lost my mind. Conard is a really frightening OC that is a Trekkie and Conrad's twin. Conard was inspired by a typo I saw a lot in KKM fanfiction and decided to run with. DISCLAIMER: Kyo Kara Maoh is NOT mine, or else Conard would be a real character.

Trekkie Roleplay Secks: A Conard/Conrad Adventure

"Who is that?" Yuuri, Wolfram Gunter, Gwendal, and Yozak all asked with varying degrees of expression at the sight of a young man in the doorway. Yuuri sounded intrigued, Gunter sounded like a new victim of his obsessive behavior had arrived, Gwendal and Wolfram sounded disgusted, and Yozak sounded lusty. They all turned to Conrad.

"This is my long-lost brother, Conard!" Conrad answered calmly, not at all sounding like his brother had been long-lost.

"Greetings. I am Captain Conard Weller of Alastria. How are you, Earthlings?" Conard said with a benevolent smile. He looked exactly like Conrad, except his hair was closer in length to Yozak's, and he was dressed in what looked like a white and blue bodysuit.

"We're not on Earth, dimwit! And what's with that get-up?" Wolfram snapped. Conard looked hurt.

Conrad placed his hand on Wolfram's shoulder. "Wolfram, be gentle he is our brother after all" he whispered.

"I refuse to acknowledge HIM as our brother! And seriously, what is going on with his clothes?" Wolfram insisted.

Conrad leaned closer to Wolfram's ear. "He's a Trekkie" he whispered even more quietly.

"What in the name of Shinou is a Trekkie?" Wolfram demanded loudly. Yuuri laughed, not noticing the tears welling up in Conard's eyes.

"A Trekkie is a fanatic for a television show called Star Trek that we have back on Earth" Yuuri explained matter-of-factly. He then saw Conard's tears. "Star Trek is a fascinating show, Conard!" he interjected hurriedly.

Conard brightened at this. "Yes, yes it is! I just love when Captain Kirk says 'Beam me up, Scotty!', don't you?" he sighed. Everyone stared at him, except Conrad.

"Yeah, that always makes me feel good inside" Conrad cried, eyes glistening. Everyone stared at him.

Conrad and Conard were quickly engaged in Star Trek conversation, much to the dismay of Gunter and Yozak, who both wanted to seduce Conrad's brother, but knew nothing of Star Trek to start a conversation with. Without even realizing what the other was doing, they ran to Yuuri.

"Teach me about Star Trek!" they both yelled in unison, exasperated. They turned to glare at each other.

"I want him more!" they snarled at each other before getting into a catfight.

"When will I ever be good enough for Gunter?" Gwendal sighed, leaving the room.

Conard noticed Gwendal leaving and got the idea that he and Conrad should as well. "Hey, Conrad, let's go to bed. I'd like to show you my…phaser…" Conard purred.

"Yes, yes, let's return to the mothership…" Conrad answered, getting excited. He lead his twin brother to his bedroom, which was sure to be referred to as "the mothership" for the rest of the night.

Conard locked the door and swiftly pinned Conrad to the wall. "So…this is the mothership… You've been running it well while I was away…but now I must show you who is boss!" he said in a low, husky voice just before capturing Conrad's lips in a forceful kiss.

"Conard…." Conrad panted heavily.

"That's CAPTAIN Conard!" Conard hissed, sliding his hand up Conrad's shirt and twisting a nipple.

"Yes, Captain Conard!" Conrad cried, whining a little. He'd missed his brother…

"It's been a long day, defeating aliens and protecting the honor of Alastria, private. Assist me in removing my combat suit." Conard commanded, turning around so Conrad could reach the zipper.

"Yes, sir!" Conrad responded, accepting his duty and unzipping Conard's costume.

"You wanted to see my phaser?" Conard purred, turning around. His erection stood stiff, very ready for whatever Conrad would do.

"Captain! It's marvelous!" Conrad gasped. It had been way too long since he had Trekkie roleplay sex with his twin…

"Good soldier" Conard commended his brother. "Now remove your own clothing. I want to see how your phaser has developed"

Conrad obeyed, stripping to nothing. Conard gave Conrad a pleased smile. "You have a nice phaser yourself" he complimented.

"Thank you, Captain!" Conrad responded with a salute.

"You know your duties?" Conard asked. Conrad nodded vigorously. He dropped to his knees and flicked his tongue across the tip of his twin's phaser. Conard gave a little moan and commanded Conrad to continue. Conrad obeyed orders, licking and sucking at the phaser, as it would be called.

This went on for a while. Finally Conard's body gave a little spasm. "Enough" he ordered. Conrad stopped. Conard picked up Conrad and carried him to the bed.

"Now you will experience firsthand what my phaser can really do" Conard hissed. Conrad shivered in anticipation.

Conard laid Conrad on the bed and rolled him onto his stomach. The more fanatic Trekkie removed a bottle of lube from Conrad's discarded pants. He oiled his phaser carefully before sheathing it in his twin, the lesser of the Trekkies, but still a good roleplay and sex partner.

"Conard!" Conrad cried.

"That's CAPTAIN Conard!" Conard barked, thrusting into Conrad forcefully.

"Yes, Captain!" Conrad yelled, bucking his hips madly. Conard smiled playfully. He reached in between Conrad's legs.

"You do have a very nice phaser" he said with a smirk, stroking it in time with his thrusts.

"Thank you sir!" Conrad responded quickly, trying to stay in character as his twin drove him crazy. Finally both twins reached their peak, screaming in near unison.

"Your phaser is more powerful than mine" Conrad sighed.

"You must train harder" Conard responded, sounding like a teacher.

--

Gwendal was in his room knitting stuffed Gunters and crying because he wasn't good enough for the man he loved.

Gunter and Yozak stopped fighting just in time to see Conrad and Conard leave. They followed the brothers and listened at the door, becoming more and more shocked, before resolving to kill Conrad and have their way with Conard.