A/N: The story begins in the wee small hours of the morning after Caroline's and Kate's wedding day. It is my alternative ending of Series 3 Episode 6. The characters in the story belong to Sally Wainwright. The events in the story are mine.
Part One: Looking for Kate
It had become a habit. Whether half-asleep or wide awake when Caroline was roused from sleep, in the middle of the night, she would automatically reach to take hold of Kate's hand or drape her arm around her lover's body. Reaching out and not finding Kate next to her put Caroline on the instant search for her Kate.
"I'm not there, Caroline. I'm here. Sorry about turning on the lights and waking you."
"You alright? My Lord, it's the middle of the night."
"Just the usual…my nineteenth time to pee and heart burn like crazy-again. It's half past three, if you must know."
"In the morning! Come back to bed. I want to hold you… and the baby."
"Don't know why. I feel like a sexless tank."
"Waddle over and I'll show you why. Mrs. Katherine McKenzie Dawson."
Kate lumbers back into bed. Eight and half months of pregnancy getting the better of the natural agility she once possessed prior to her pregnant days. She crawls as close as she can to Caroline, given the imposition of a very large tummy. They lie face to face, allowing Caroline to affectionately stroke Kate's face and letting those amazing blue eyes work their magic.
"Not much of a wedding night." Kate said dispiritedly. The happiness of their wedding day was commingled with Caroline's mother's nonsense of not attending her own daughter's wedding and the subsequent confrontation between mother and daughter. And if that wasn't enough, to add insult to injury, Kate was not the sex machine she thought she'd be on her wedding night.
"Doesn't matter." - said in an untroubled manner. At present there was not one thing that quantified caring about. Not while Caroline and Kate bathed in the contentment of their love.
"Sorry about not wanting to- stupid heart burn. Can't seem to get rid of it." Subtext- apology offered for not being the ideal wedding night bride.
"Give the baby a break…she just wanted to be part of our wedding night." Subtext- apology accepted but not at all required.
"You over your mother's lunacy…she's hardcore, your mother."
"Not even going there."
"Okay…it's your mother."
"Right. It's late…err…umm… rather it's early, I should say. Think we ought to try for some sleep. Who knows when you wake up again you could feel a whole lot better. And maybe we can…umm… you know try again?"
"You're magnificent. And you know what… I think I'm feeling better already… yeah I am. She's confirms what she has said with a nod of her head. It's an open invitation complete with one of Kate's trademark gleaming smiles.
"Really? Ain't that just the surprise?"
Kate continues in her usual flirting form. "And because you've been so…umm…understanding. I'm going to let you get on with your work today and this afternoon I'm going to drive William to the train station. All just for you."
"Oh, aren't you sweet. You sure? You don't have to do that you know. It won't kill me to take a break from work and drive him myself…."
"Absolutely, no way. I insist. My little gift to you."
"Right. You do know I could never refuse you of anything. Best not start now, mhm?" That's that. All has been settled- sealed with a quick kiss, to boot. Kate will drive William to the train station.
"Good. Got you trained, already." Kate teases, self-satisfied with her seeming victory. Lest she should be reminded that it's the queerest of times that fate intervenes on the act of kindness.
"Oh you- go to sleep. But kiss me first." The kiss was passionate, lingering, and seductive. Kate was right. She is feeling better, a whole lot better- enough to try again. Who needed a wedding night when there was a morning after?
Part Two: Looking for Kate
It's as if Caroline is attempting to look through a thick patch of fog, with no end in sight. She is more a witness to the events than being the actual participant- even though it is clearly her that this is happening to. It's all so weird. And why is she still wearing her wedding outfit? She's more than a bit confused.
At some point in all of this confusion she's opened her front door and has met up with two burly police officers who stand shoulder to shoulder grim faced. It's raining, heavily or is it her tears falling like cats and dogs? Or is it both? It's all too vague to know.
As Caroline stands face to face with the officers the name Kate rolls off her tongue in a bizarre slow motion fashion. Then, almost immediately thereafter the thought of her mother comes to mind. Despite having been angry with her mother most of her wedding day the thought of something happening to either woman would be unbearable- totally devastating. Caroline loves both women in separate manner but equally as deep. She tells herself whatever the police have to say, she doesn't want to hear it.
"Are you Dr. Caroline McKenzie Dawson?" One of the policemen asks gently in stark contrast to the raindrops that are fiercely pounding the brim of his cap.
"Yes…Yes I…I am. What's. What's happened?"
Perhaps this is the precise moment for Caroline to bring out the bargaining chips. Make impossible to keep promises to her God above for a tradeoff to her liking?
The Policeman continues talking but Caroline only sees lips moving. She's straining to hear but all words are inaudible. Somehow, intuitively she gets the message; she knows exactly what the police officers are there for.
And then came that moment when Caroline sees her lethargic body begin to falter. She watches herself frantically grabbing hold of the open door to preempt an imminent fall to the ground. It is William who comes to her rescue, saves her from falling all the way to the ground and pulls her up. Her William, he's been brilliant- always there for her. The only one of her family members who truly understands her love for Kate. But why is he in his robe and slippers? And he has her birthday card in the pocket of his robe?
"William, why aren't you on the train? You'll be late for your classes."
"Is it true- are you seeing someone?"
"How'd you feel about it if I was?"
"Is it Kate McKenzie?"
"I'm looking for Kate. Do you know where she is?"
"Caroline?"
"Oh you're here…my darling…I thought…oh, it doesn't matter, now that you're here."
"I told John."
"About us?"
"God it felt good."
"You're Magnificent."
"You're very pretty."
"Do you want to dance?"
"Is this like…umm…forever?"
"I Caroline Elizabeth Dawson take you, Katherine Ebike McKenzie to be my wedded wife."
"I now pronounce you spouses for life."
The heavy fog- it's come back again. It's bloody maddening- the damn fog. It's making everything so- so very imprecise. People or rather people best described as shadowy images are all around Caroline- people she's never seen before- doesn't want to see- doesn't even know. They certainly all weren't at the wedding. Why is everyone being so bloody kind? And where is Kate? Caroline needs to see her Kate. Touch her; drown in the comfort of her arms.
This that's happening can't be real, she reminds herself. While attempting to chase away the stupid thought in her head that she has never ever said "I love you" to Kate. The thought is unimaginable. Yet it drives her urgency to find Kate all the more.
There's got to be a way to wade through this damn fog- get back to where she knows Kate will be anxiously waiting for her and wondering what's happened. Maybe if she closes her eyes and pretends that she is lying in her bed Kate will be next to her. Then she could reach for Kate draw her close to her; feel her presence once again. Yes, yes of course that's what she could do. But to Caroline's dismay when she reaches for Kate she is greeted not by her lover's warm comforting touch but by an unwelcome cold vacated space. Her Kate is very much out of her arm's reach. Caroline begins to cry, desperate to find her Kate because she knows that she can't live one single day without her Kate. Where oh where is her Kate?
She sees herself praying hoping against all odds that the fickle hand of fate with all its random acts of unkindness has not intruded into her world. And then, if by a miracle, out of the blue Caroline hears a soft melodious voice. That voice could only belong to her Kate. Yes, it is her Kate. Caroline sees her clearly now; the fog has lifted. In her hand Kate's holding a book. The title of the book makes Caroline wonder if Kate has found the cost of salt too dear a price to pay. As for Caroline she has no regrets about the price she's paid for salt.
Kate, my lovely beautiful Kate- I've been looking for you…but the fog…I…erm…I …"
"I'm right here, Caroline."
"I thought…you were…the…the police were…were at the…the door. And all these people- I don't know half of them- they're dressed in black. I thought I lost you- I don't want to do this all on my own. It wasn't part of the plan."
"You're not alone, Caroline. I'm right here- with you and the baby."
"Yes. The baby….Aww, a little girl."
"I always wanted a baby."
"Why didn't you and Richard…"
"We did- four times- lost them all."
"Oh God, oh I'm sorry."
"Caroline, if you think it's a daft idea just say it."
"I don't think it's a daft idea."
"So you would be talking about sleepless nights, nappies and years of angst and teenage tantrums,"
"I can do all that."
"Amazingly, I'm pregnant."
"Flora…Flora Grace."
"I like that name."
"Caroline. Please. I'm sorry but you've got to wake up now. Caroline…Caroline… do you hear me…hey you …wake up. It's time."
"Kate? Thank God you're here. I was looking for you."
"Of course I'm here- where else would I be…"
"William…err…what about William…the…the train station…"
"I don't think I'll be doing that! Taking him… and neither will you. Haven't you been listening? The baby's decided that that was not a good idea. Now please get up, Caroline. Before I have her right here."
"Then you're not…you're not…Shit it was all a bad dream. Bloody hell…It was just a dream- a dream?" The sheer relieve of knowing it was only a dream renders an involuntary chuckle. Unfortunately for Caroline Kate is not finding anything funny right at the moment.
"Caroline…I'm in labor…I'm having contractions here…they're getting closer and closer …And I'm beginning to run out of patience with you. I have no idea what you're going on about. Now please get out of bed right now, get dressed and take me to the hospital. William will have to find his own way to the train station. This baby wants out, sooner rather than later."
"Right…I'm up already. Be but a minute. Get your things." Caroline begins scurrying about to get ready but stops and re-thinks the situation. Perhaps a reassuring word would only be fitting to say to her anxious pregnant wife.
"Kate…I love you. Everything is going to be fine…just fine, now."
Kate stops in her tracks and turns to look at Caroline and the most beautiful blue eyes in the world are looking back at her- all smiles. Kate's face also is alight with the biggest smile of her life. She's completely forgotten about the discomfort of the contractions she's having.
"Caroline, I'm going to be somebody's Mum."
"Yes. Yes. Yes you are. Isn't it …Sweet?"
End Note: Thank you for choosing to read my story.
