Notes: 1) This chapter inspired by "It Just Has To Be This Way" by Reba McEntire and Vince Gill. 2) I'm SO sorry it took so long for this update. I have no excuse…but the ones I'll try to pass off anyway are the car accident which means dealing with annoying insurance companies; being unemployed and constantly, actively looking for a job; rewriting this chapter about 10 times before deciding on a course of action; LOTS of fact-checking and watching episodes of Seasons 7 and 8 that I missed due workups prior to my super fun deployment and to being overseas from early October through the end of April. 3) Thank you so much for the kind reviews of the first part. 4) Now that I've got timelines and everything else pretty much established I don't foresee any more major delays.
Still own nothing.
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Olivia Benson's Apartment
Sunday, May 20
"What did you mean when you asked what I was going to do?"
Elliot had let himself into her building using the key she'd given him early on in their partnership, waking her up by knocking on her door at 12:45 am.
"Can we please do this some other time? Any other time. It's been a long day. Hell, it's been a long week, Elliot."
"What did you mean?" He brushed past her into her apartment and sat on the couch, waiting.
"I don't know."
"Don't give me that."
"I don't know, El." She sat at the opposite end of the couch, facing him.
"I don't get how you could even ask me what I'm going to do. You, of all people in my life, know how important my family is to me."
"Yeah, I know. And I also know how much it hurts you that you can't be with them as much as you want because of the job. I know how much it hurt Kathy and the kids."
"And you thought I'd walk away from them? That I'd just take the easy way out?" He was pacing, clearly pissed.
"You and I both know you've never taken the easy way on anything." She rested her elbows on her knees, her head down in her hands.
"Liv, just tell me what this is really about."
She looked up at him, her eyes bloodshot and tired. "In the last couple of days I've felt like my life is falling down around me. My career is pretty much in the toilet. And I know I have no one but myself to blame for that. I gave Simon the money." She shook her head, took a shaky breath. "Look, it doesn't even matter."
"Why?"
"I'm leaving. I was going to tell you Monday morning, but you're here now so…I'm leaving New York." She expected him to be angry, yelling. Instead he was silent. "Dana – Star – offered me a job. It's a good move, and I really need the change."
"Is this about…" he trailed off, didn't finish the thought.
"It's not your fault, Elliot. It just has to be this way. If you weren't the guy who always tried to do the right thing, you wouldn't be the same man I love. But I can't stay. I can't see you every day, work with you, and act like everything's the same." She stood and walked across the room to him. "You should go. I'll see you Monday." She leaned toward him, her intention a simple kiss on the cheek. Elliot turned his face toward her at the last minute, pulling her into a deep kiss.
They separated moments later, out of breath. Olivia looked up at him, her eyes a mixture of sadness, fear, and regret.
"I'll miss you, Liv. I wish things could be different." She nodded silently and watched as he left. She was proud that she managed to wait until she heard his footsteps down the hall before she broke down, falling to her knees against the door.
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Olivia Benson's Apartment
Friday, June 8
The buzzer distracted Olivia from staring at the timer.
"Liv, it's Casey. You can't miss your going away party."
She didn't answer, but let her friend up and made sure the door was unlocked before going back into the bathroom. Casey let herself in moments later and maneuvered through the maze of boxes in the apartment until the beeping timer drew her into the bathroom.
"What's going on?" She sat on the edge of the bathtub and watched as tears silently fell down Olivia's face. She followed her gaze to the sink and saw the box for the pregnancy test.
"It's positive." Olivia's words were a quiet whisper.
"Olivia, honey, I'm missing a lot."
"One night. I got one night with him and I'm pregnant. And I can't even tell him."
She pulled a few pieces of tissue from the roll and wiped Olivia's tears, then took her hand. "You mean Elliot, right?" Olivia nodded. "So what are you going to do?"
She laughed sadly. "That question again." Casey continued to watch her silently. "I don't know. I've loved him for so long. I always had that private fantasy of us, of knowing that he was in love with me, of having a baby. But it was never like this. He was still with me. Our biggest fear would have been how to tell Cragen. I'm so scared to do this myself."
"But?"
"But…I want this baby, Case. I already know that I want to have this baby."
"Are you going to tell him?"
"I don't know. Eventually I will. It's just…God, this sucks. It's too complicated right now." She looked in Casey's eyes, suddenly worried. "You can't tell him, Casey. I know that he's your friend too, and that you still have to work with him after I leave. But please, promise me-"
"I won't tell him if you don't want me to. But Liv, don't you think he'd want to know? Don't you think it would change everything? Him going back to Kathy…he wouldn't do that if he knew about you."
"I want him to be with me. But I want him to choose to be with me, to want to be with me. I don't want to be an obligation." She took a breath and seemed surprised when she noticed the tears still rolling down her cheeks.
Casey started to answer but was interrupted by her cell phone ringing. "Novak." She stood and walked just out of the room. "Hey, Melinda. I don't think tonight's going to work." She paused, listening. "No, she's just really overwhelmed. There's so much going on right now. Maybe just the three of us can get together this weekend before she goes. I'll talk to you later."
She flipped her phone closed and sat next to Olivia again. "You want me to order something for dinner?" Olivia shook her head. "You have to eat something, sweetie."
"Chinese, I guess." It hurt to see her normally confident friend so quiet and despondent.
"Come on, let's at least sit on the couch." She pulled her up and they walked to the living room.
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It took much longer than usual, but Casey managed to get Olivia to eat most of a plate of food. She spent more time staring blindly at the plate, unconsciously pushing the food around in circles, and certainly not talking. Casey was clearing their plates from the table when Olivia spoke again.
"It was such a perfect night. I thought that I was finally going to get a normal life. I had a brother, and a nephew. I had this amazing man. I never thought that it would be a one-night stand."
"You know that's not true."
"What else would you call it? We spent one night together and then, just a few days later, he told me he wanted to go back to his family, to his ex-wife."
"Do you really think that it didn't mean anything to him?"
"No, not really." They sat in silence for a long moment.
"Do you want me to stay tonight?"
"I'll be fine. You don't have to baby-sit me."
"I'll come by tomorrow. Melinda still wants to at least have lunch before you go." Olivia nodded quietly. Casey bent over next to Olivia's chair and pulled her into a soft hug. "You'll get through this, you know. You're the strongest person I know." Olivia nodded silently. "I won't tell anyone any of this. You can trust me. I want you to know that I'm completely behind you, whatever you do."
Olivia smiled, still a ghost of the bright, genuine smile her friends were used to. "I know you are. Thanks Casey."
"I'll see you tomorrow."
Olivia followed her to the door and locked up behind her, then looked around. Her life packed away in boxes. Monday she would move to a new city, a new life. She'd never been more terrified in her life.
