The grass grows tall here, probably because the old man who owned the property died awhile back. But it's ok, the tall grasses bothered no one, in fact it housed many animals and attracted many thinkers.
That's what I had to convince myself, the only reason I'm here is because I came to think. I didn't come here because I got angry with my sister and I rushed out, not caring where I was going or who I ran into, because it simply didn't matter.
I wasn't wanted, to simply put it. Oh don't get me wrong, my sister loves me dearly and I'm pretty sure my parents loved me throughout their short lives. But the fact is I'm a nuisance. I get in the way, and I don't think things through.
But Mikasa says most people my age are the same way. I would argue that, because if all people my age were like me than how come they are annoyed by me? I'm a special case, annoying, and idiotic, and not in the usual way.
It's ok though, I can sit in this field and think, like the other people who come here. I can listen to the sounds of life around me as I put mine on pause.
The rustling of the grass as the soothing spring winds disturb the tall stalks, and the birds chattering away about who knows, the only man made sound is that of the two people who walked passed me-almost tripped over me-as they talk about their future. It's almost too relaxing, my back to the ground and my head resting on the grass that I flattened.
Looking to the clouds, only because it's too early for stars, that's ok, because just like stars I can draw pictures from clouds, imagine a war between two kings. The large cloud to my left is the losing knight, kneeling before the other in a plea for mercy. Or maybe it's just simple, such as a rabbit meeting a frog.
I ran my hand across one of the blades of grass, not even flinching when I realized I had cut myself on it. I simply wiped the blood on my jeans and stuck my finger in my mouth. I wasn't going home because I cut myself on some grass.
I hadn't even realized I was crying. Was my life that bad? No, I had a home, a wonderful friend-who has friends I consider my own. The only thing that ever happened was the unfortunate incident with my parents. Something I refused to think or go over.
And something nobody was ever able to get out of me. No one but me remembers what happened to my parents five years ago. And I simply wished it could've been a peaceful winter's night. Which it wasn't, but the fact is I don't like recalling it. In fact I don't recalling anything.
I haven't spoken in five years. I've been silent ever since the incident, not only did it affect my speaking, but it effected how I viewed the world and life. People aren't to be trusted, regardless of whom they are. So speaking to someone or telling someone something will only backfire.
I hadn't even realized I'd fallen asleep, not until my eyes had opened and instead of a cloud littered blue sky. My eyes were met with a dark sky, dotted with the bright lights of stars.
"Oi, kid, you've been laying there for a pretty long time." Came a voice, I leaned my head back a bit to see if I could see anyone. Once I realized that was unsuccessful I sat up and turned around. He was short, wearing a pair of dark blue jeans that hugged his legs, a black shirt with some band name on it and the shoes I couldn't see. His hair parted above his right eye-my left but his right. His hair was dark. I didn't want to say black too soon, considering the dark sky could make dark brown hair look black. But his eyes were definitely a blue color.
"Well, it's good to see you aren't a dead body, which would've been a real hassle, having to call the cops and shit." The man spoke again, but this time moving to sit near me. I didn't move, obviously because if anyone was going to move it was going to be him because I sat here first and it was a great spot in my opinion.
"Not real talkative are you? That's fine. Great actually, I wish people did that more often. You know shut up and stuff." He went on. I was used to people doing that, it was amazing how people would begin talking to me only to start talking to themselves. They'd ramble on and on about this and that. I didn't mind at all. In fact sometimes I'd talk to them in my mind. Only imagining what their answers really would be.
"But yeah so he's a real ass, uh? Are you crying?" The man asked, breaking off from whatever he was going on about, turning towards me, and leaning forward slightly. I turned my face away. I didn't want anyone else to see me crying. That's why I came here, so I could be alone.
"No seriously are you ok?" He asked again, this time putting his hand on my shoulder. That was something I couldn't take, people touching me. If talking to someone was enough to get you killed in the long run, human contact was even worse. And instead of moving away, or gently removing his arm, I panicked, I hit him.
Oh god I hit him, and he did nothing but worry about me. I stood up, looking down as the man held his face, a string of curses fell from his mouth as he ran a hand under his nose to see if any blood could be found. There was none but the bruise he would have, he would find tomorrow morning.
"Look, I don't know if I did anything to offend you. But you didn't have to hit-oh ok yeah that hurts." He took in a sharp breath as he pressed down on the bridge of his nose.
"You know what, you clearly have something wrong, ok and I'm probably one of the few people who wouldn't call the police in a situation like this, so here's my number, text me, and you can tell me you're sorry face to face some other time ok?" The man offered, his voice not angry, but it wasn't exactly friendly either. He pulled out a crumbled piece of paper from his pocket and pen from the other and jotted down his number before quickly handing it to me and starting to walk away.
I looked at the number and the name that he wrote beside it. His name was Levi. I wasn't sure if I would actually text him or not. I didn't bother with my phone much. The only reason I even had the device was because Mikasa insisted on it.
But I shoved the paper into the pockets of my own jeans. I brushed off the little bits of grass that clung to me and I made my way home.
On the way home I counted each lamp post that I encountered, which was only thirteen. When I stepped inside the small one story house I was glad to see that Mikasa had gone out, leaving the house to me.
She left a soda can on the living room table, but I'd rather her pick it up later than pick it up now. I turned on the TV, not really paying attention to what's on. But instead I used it as background noise as I began to sketch.
I didn't care what I was sketching I normally didn't know what I was sketching until after sketching it. Though after a few minutes I realized there was something I did want to draw.
And after a few minutes he was there in my sketch book. Levi, him sitting with his legs crossed looking up at the stars. He looked sad somewhat.
Maybe it was something I subconsciously did, but it was only his eyes that gave any clue that he was sad. His mouth was curled slightly in a smile. Something that made me smile I looked at the paper.
"Eren, I'm back, sorry I yelled at you. But hey I got those chips you like the salt and pepper ones." Mikasa announced as she walked down setting down a bag of groceries on the small kitchen table. I could hear every move she made, as she grabbed items out of the paper bag and moved them to their place in our kitchen. But then I didn't hear anything. Just a long pause before I heard a sigh and the sound of a door being slammed shut.
It wasn't her fault I didn't talk. No matter how much she blames herself. It was my choice, or rather my fear. I closed the sketch book and placed it on the living room table next to the empty soda can. And I walked to the bathroom.
I looked at myself, I always do. Making sure I picked out ever imperfection and flaw. My dark brown hair was too messy, my green eyes too big, my eyebrows made me look angry, but perhaps I was. I decided I'd save the shower for the morning before washing my face and brushing my teeth. And for a quick moment I thought about sleeping in the bathtub. Only because I knew Mikasa would want to see me in the morning and would probably walk into my room and wake me up. But it was probably cold so I picked my bed instead.
My room was normal. It had a bed, a desk, a nightstand, and a closet. I removed the clothes I wore out and simply plopped onto my bed. I soon adjusted myself to make putting the comforter over me easier.
"Who is this?" She asks holding the book in front of me. Her eyes betrayed her calm voice. I knew if I told her he was a man I met in a field she'd simply go rambling on about how it's not safe to meet strangers. But maybe that's what I wanted. I wanted her to worry.
I thought for a moment before retrieving my pants from the previous day and pulling out the piece of paper and showing it to her.
But she didn't say anything. She just nodded and left me alone. I heard the front door open and slam shut.
I drove her away. I do that a lot. And one day I fear she won't come back. She'll get annoyed, so annoyed that she'll buy another house or perhaps move in with a friend. She knew I could take care of myself. I wasn't a child, even though I acted like one.
I looked at the number. And I thought about texting him. But I decided against it. Instead, I went to take a shower. But it was more or less of me standing in the overly warm streams of water and thinking about Levi.
Once the name was in my head I pictured him, his dark hair, his blue eyes that seemed gray, and his seemingly perfect skin.
I did something I regret doing. I slid my hand down my body, touching that once place on my body and closing my eyes, as I thought of him. I thought of him touching me in places that drove me wild.
I won't be calling or texting Levi. I won't be going back to the field either, because if I keep seeing him I know I'll keep having these thoughts. I've only met him once, yet I've already grown an attachment to him. I don't want to admit it, but I have.
Mikasa came home an hour after I finished my shower. She repeated over and over about how sorry she was and how it wasn't her place to say anything.
"I'm sorry Eren." She murmured, holding me tightly, "I'll never runaway again. It's a promise."Finally letting go of me, she looked at me, searching for some type of response.
Will you be seeing him again?" She asked, and I shook my head, I wouldn't ever see Levi again. She let out a sigh of relief and moved into the living room, me following to sit next to her on the couch. But she stood up and looked around awkwardly.
"So do you want to see a movie? We got time to kill." She offered, but I shook my head. She looked defeated. I knew she thought that I was mad at her. Which I wasn't, I understood that she was just worried about me, being her only brother and remaining family. It made sense for her to when I've met a complete stranger in the middle of a field. So of course I knew she had nothing to be sorry about.
With that she left. She said even though I didn't want to see a movie, she did, and that she'd be back before four.
"Armin will come by so you won't be alone." She said before closing the door. Armin is my childhood friend from way before the incident. He tries his hardest to get me to speak. The farthest he's ever got was getting me to write in a notebook.
It wasn't until noon that I heard the soft knocks at the door.
"Eren, hey, I figured that we could take a walk, what do you say?" Armin offered, receiving a slight nod from me before I went to grab a jacket and my shoes.
I didn't realize where we were going until it was too late. We strolled through the field. Armin tripped several times trying to walk through the tall grass, yet continuously asked me yes or no questions about my life and how I was doing.
"Oi, kid-oh." The familiar voice of the man from the night before called out, and made me stop, and he too stopped when he noticed Armin. He seemed to be examining Armin inside and out with a glare that could probably kill a man.
"You never called, I still want that apology." He continued once he was satisfied with his examination, and pointing to the discoloring on the bridge of his nose.
Though of course I said absolutely nothing and just proceeded to stare, and for a while all three of us did. Armin was too shy to speak up to a stranger and simply hid behind me like he always did.
"You aren't going to say anything? Jesus fuck people are rude" He his voice rose clearly filled with anger and impatience.
"Eren is mute." Armin finally piped up, earning a glance from Levi who looked somewhat surprised.
"Eren…well that certainly explains things." He murmured to himself, and then met my eyes. "But can't you write it down or something?
I thought for a moment before shrugging my shoulders and looking down at my feet, taking a sudden interest in the busy ant hill not too far away.
"Fine, I'll take that as an 'I'm sorry.'" He said with an irritated sigh. "But jus so you know, I'm not giving up on you." He then turned around and made his way back to where he was going. He only looks back once to give me a glare.
"What does he mean 'I'm not giving up on you?'?" Armin asked, not taking his eyes off the man who was walking away.
I wanted to know the same thing. Maybe I'd come to the field more often. I walked home with Armin, listening as the other as he went on about a guy from school, Jean or something I didn't bother to really take in Armin's words.
I only counted three lampposts on my way home. Maybe I was distracted by my love struck mind, or perhaps I was too busy ignoring Armin.
Once home Mikasa asked of Armin would be spending the night, to which Armin stated that his grandfather expected him home by dinner and couldn't. I on the other hand had no plans for dinner, and instead walked quickly and quietly to my room and plopped down onto my bed.
I reached over to my nightstand, searching for the small journal I kept there and grabbed the pencil that was kept beside it.
I opened the journal to the first page. The only thing written in it was my name, at the top right hand corner not in my own handwriting. I was given this book in hopes that maybe it would open me up. Maybe I'd put things in the journal that would help me. But I never used it.
But tonight I did. Tonight I wanted to write down what I was feeling.
"November 3rd, 2013
Yesterday I met Levi. He has really dark hair, probably black. He had blue eyes that look gray. His features would tell someone that he is an unapproachable man. He doesn't seem to smile much, and complains a lot, from what I can tell. Maybe it's just because I've only met him twice. He gave me his phone number. He gave it to me because I punched him and he wanted me to apologize. But something in his tone tells me that wasn't the only reason Levi gave me his number.
So, Sorry Levi, and I kind of hope we see each other again."
I reread my journal entry twice before stashing it in my nightstand drawer. Tomorrow I would have school. But instead of going straight home afterwards, I think I'm going to walk by the field. Just to study the cloud again.
