Title: Driving Straight 'n True
Author: Lisa
Email: lc7685@hotmail.com
Disclaimer: I do not own the show, the characters, etc. etc.
Setting: Post Audrey Pauley
Rating: R in one section, PG13 the rest
Category: DRR (of course!)
A/N: at end
"Come on!" John urged. Monica stood on his porch and shook her head, her hands clasped tightly in front of her. John was half way to his car already and turned when she didn't respond. Gosh she's beautiful, he started thinking, but cut himself off. This wasn't what she was here to do. He reached out his hand. "Come on," he spoke gently. She took a deep breath.
"I'm not ready," Monica insisted. "I can't do this. Definitely not with you."
"You're not going to hurt me, I promise."
"How do you know?" Monica asked. John didn't reply, inching his hand that little bit closer to her. She stepped forward and took it reluctantly. John squeezed her hand as reassuringly as he could as they walked to his car. He opened the driver's door and turned to Monica, still holding her hand as she climbed in and adjusted the seat with her right hand. John placed her left on the steering wheel and smiled as he felt her fingers instinctively curl around the edges.
"You've driven this car tonnes of times, Mon. I know," he finally answered her as he shut her door and got into the front passenger seat. They put on their seatbelts. Monica took a deep breath and started up the car, glancing around and pulling out onto the street.
"Where are we going?"
"Your place," John replied. "And not the back way. Through the main-"
"John." Monica's voice shook.
"You've gotta try this Mon."
"It's too soon."
"No it's not. You're ready to do this." John glanced over at Monica and saw her biting her bottom lip as she drove. His mind told him not to distract her, but impulse allowed him to reach out and rest a hand near her knee. "Just relax," he soothed. She didn't flinch at his touch, instead taking a deep breath. She seemed to do just that: relax. John went to remove his hand.
"No, John," Monica began, her voice wavering again. "Please." His hand settled back on her thigh. Jesus, he thought. She really is nervous. Maybe this was too soon... No, he resolved, it wasn't too soon. She was well rested and she wanted to get back to work as soon as possible. "We're coming up to the intersection," he heard her say as he watched his thumb glide carefully across the fabric of her pants at her knee. He made sure he didn't tense up as he looked straight ahead.
"Just go through it. Follow the lights. You'll be okay." She nodded. "You can do this Monica."
Monica had a green light and John glanced at the speedometer. She wasn't slowing down, which was a good thing. She was going to be fine. Both of them glanced left and right as they drove straight through without any problems. John smiled but Monica wasn't. She cleared the main road and pulled into a parking spot. John was silent, waiting for her to say something. After stopping the car and turning off the engine, she turned to face him.
"Could you drive from here?" John nodded.
"Of course." He smiled. "You okay?"
"Yeah," she took a deep breath. "I just need to relax-" John nodded and they both got out, switching places, before John drove to her house.
Monica walked in first and switched on the lights. She'd been quiet the rest of the way home and John felt the need to talk to her about things.
"Monica, you sure you're all right?" he asked as she downed a glass of water at the kitchen sink. She nodded, licking her lips as she turned back to him. She smiled.
"Yeah. Thankyou John. I needed to do that."
"Just you've been really quiet."
"Yeah," she repeated. "I just needed to think and to...think. Do you want a drink or anything?"
"I'm right."
"Well, help yourself." She started looking around for something to eat.
"Don't worry about food, Mon. Come on, let's sit and watch some TV." Monica walked over, nodding to herself and following John into the living room. He took a seat on her couch and used the remote to switch on the television, picking a channel. Monica sat next to him and it wasn't long before John realised she wasn't watching anything but him. He glanced over at her and his breath caught in his chest. She was just staring at him. There was no identifiable expression in her eyes, and she wasn't examining a part of him, she was just watching him, her eyes large and full of tears.
"You don't want to watch TV John," she stated plainly, before reaching forward and taking the remote control from his hand. She reached it out and turned the television off. He turned to face her and took a chance by looking straight into her eyes. Monica's mouth opened as though she was going to say something, but after a moment it closed again.
"You sure you're okay Monica?" he asked. "You don't look so well. I know it's been tough. If you need-" Monica reached out and grabbed his hand.
"I'm gonna be fine, John." John felt her hand moving away from his and couldn't bring himself to squeeze it, instead watching it move to rest closer to its owner.
"Well if you need anything just let me know. I know you're shook up after driving through that intersection but-" Monica managed a smile.
"No, that was good. I was nervous but I feel better. I promise."
"Then what's the matter? Monica I know when something's wrong." Monica's smile faded somewhat into one of quiet contemplation.
"John I need to ask you something." John nodded. "Please don't be scared, but Audrey told me something and I need to know whether or not it's true, but let me finish first-" John observed her silently and Monica took that as an invitation to continue. "I don't, I'm just... I want you to know that- " she stopped, taking a deep breath before changing her line of questioning, realising that saying it straight out was much harder than she'd imagined when he was looking at her so blankly. "If I had died, what would you have done?" she had to know this. She had to find out right now.
"Monica, you didn't die-"
"But, if I had..."
"Mon." John's voice was low and sad. "You really want to know?" he asked after staring at her own saddened face. She nodded.
"Yeah I really do."
"Okay... First of all, I would've sat next to you until they made me leave, but I wouldn't have said goodbye. Agent Scully would have to drag me home, probably. After awhile, I'd realise what a scared little shit I really was, and I'd work myself into the ground until I quit or was made to. I'd probably run away to some small town, just me and my dog." John thought Monica would focus on the dog factor, but she didn't.
"Why do you think you're a scared little shit?" she asked, several tears sliding down her cheeks. Her eyes searched his but he refused to give any more until she complied.
"What did Audrey say to you, that you wanted to know was true?" She shook her head and he knew she wasn't giving in, capable of being just as stubborn as he was. "If I hadn't been so gutless, you wouldn't have been anywhere near that intersection." That's it, that's all John was confessing to. She could work the rest out inside her own head. Watching her, it looked as though she had, but the expression left her face almost as quickly as it had come. "Now," he leant closer to her. "What did Audrey say to you? Something about the case?"
"No," Monica replied, her voice low. "She told me you loved me. Do you?" The tears had stopped but more were on their way, it seemed, as John hesitated. "Because I love you." Oh shit, he wasn't ready for this. He couldn't do it. He felt an emotional rock settle right in the pit of his stomach.
"I..." Monica's eyes begged him not to run, but they also told him that she already knew he was going to. There was a hurt there, a hurt that she reserved just for him. "I have to go Monica, I can't. I'm not ready." He stood. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." The front door closed behind him with a soft click and Monica turned to stare at the blank television. She slid off the couch onto the floor; her knees pulled up to her chest and her head buried between them, beginning to sob.
*
Monica woke in the recovery position, to two hands on her waist, slight hands, and a voice in her ear, a woman's voice.
"Monica, Monica wake up." Scully felt Monica jump and smiled. "It's Dana, you fell asleep on the floor, come on, up you get." Monica rolled onto her back and saw Scully crouched on the floor beside her.
"Dana," she started, her voice thick and shaky. Scully nodded, helping Monica to sit up.
"It's late, come on we'll get you into bed."
"I-I'm okay." Scully glanced her up and down, leading her to the bedroom nonetheless.
"Are you sure? Why didn't you answer the phone?"
"I- When?"
"I've left several messages on your machine and when you still never picked up..."
"I mustn't have heard." Monica stopped and put a hand to her forehead.
"Get changed for bed," Scully began. "I'll go get you some aspirin and water."
"Thanks Dana," Scully heard her reply as she left Monica to change. Upon her return, Monica was sitting up in bed, the covers pulled to her waist, wearing a black linen nightie. Scully handed her the tablet and water and she took it gratefully as Scully perched on the edge of the bed.
"Do you remember how you came to be passed out on the floor?" she asked as Monica handed the glass back to her.
"Unfortunately," Monica replied, sighing as she slid down in the bed. Scully rested the back of her hand along Monica's forehead.
"Have you been feeling all right today?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just got a little worked up."
"Over?"
"John took me for a drive through-"
"He told me he was going to do that. How did you go?"
"Okay, I think." Scully raised an eyebrow and seemed to stare straight into Monica's eyes.
"Funny, because I don't think so." Monica watched Scully carefully. "You're flushed, your breath's shaky, you're warm and yet you're clinging to the edges of the blanket as though your life depends upon it. Tell me what happened, Monica. I'm a doctor." Monica sighed, looking away and mumbling something. "What was that?" Scully asked. Monica turned back to her.
"I was fine going through the intersection. Once I'd passed it I just felt so relieved."
"That's not it," Scully cut in. "Monica have you had any chest pains?" Monica's eyes went wide and she shook her head. "Are you sure? No numbness in your arms?"
"No, I don't think so. I, I thought it was an anxiety attack. I think I fainted." Scully breathed a sigh of relief but made sure Monica couldn't tell.
"Can you describe it for me?" Monica nodded, propped up on her elbows.
"I was," her eyes flicked away for a second before settling on Scully's shoulder. "Crying. And you know when you run out of tears, but you just can't stop?" Monica's eyes searched Scully's for reassurance and Scully smiled.
"Yeah I know," Scully replied softly.
"I didn't realise I was having trouble breathing until it was too late to try to relax and I, I fainted."
"Were you standing up?"
"No I was sitting on the floor." Scully urged her to sit up and switched on the bedside lamp for some extra light. She reached out, pushing Monica's hair out of her face and checking for any bruises at vulnerable places. There were none, but as Scully's fingers brushed a little further back, she saw Monica wince and knew the small bump there was the result of her head hitting the floor.
"Still got that headache?"
"No, it's going." Scully nodded.
"Good." She reached over and picked up the phone.
"Who are you calling?" Scully smiled and held a finger to her lips as she walked out of the room.
"John Doggett," John answered as he stretched on his couch. He'd just turned the television on after arriving home but it didn't seem like there was much on. At least, much that he could concentrate on. It'd have to be a damn good show to distract him from his thoughts on Monica. He felt like such a coward!
"John, it's Dana," she began. "I need a favour."
"Sure. Everything all right?"
"Yes, I think so. Listen I'd do this myself but mum has William and I can't leave him another night-"
"It's okay, just let me know."
"Can you come sleep on Monica's couch tonight? I'm sorry about the hassle-"
"Wait on. What's happened? Is she all right?" Scully explained that she'd found Monica passed out on the floor and that she needed someone to check in on her every now and then. "Passed out?" John clarified. "How come?"
"She had a panic attack. My guess is that it's been building up since you took her driving this afternoon. I just don't want to leave her alone in case she has another-"
"I'll be there as soon as I can," John hurried, not bothering to correct Scully on the details.
Scully finished the conversation and made her way back into Monica's room. She was lying on her side and wiping her eye, leaving it closed. Scully sat down and ran her hand slowly along Monica's back.
"How you going?"
"I'm tired," Monica replied softly.
"I know. But I'm going to sit here until you go to sleep. John's on his way. If you need anything during the night he'll be on the couch, all right?"
"He doesn't have to come over. I'm okay," Monica insisted. Scully got off the bed and knelt beside it so that she was eye level with Monica, who opened her eyes slowly.
"I don't think you are, and I'm going to get him to keep an eye on you. I'd do it myself but-"
"William," Monica whispered. Scully nodded slightly as Monica's eyes drifted shut again.
"Just rest," Scully spoke softly for the next couple of minutes, helping Monica to breathe deeper and drift into a more content sleep. A shadow fell across the ground next to Scully and she turned quickly to see John holding his keys in his hand. He must have a spare, she thought, suddenly wondering why he would have a spare. His eyes were wide and full of worry, and he seemed afraid to come in. Scully glanced at Monica, who seemed asleep, and stood, ushering John out and grabbing her bag on the way. They stopped at the front door. "You'll be right?" John nodded.
"Yeah I know my way around okay."
"I need you to wake her in a couple of hours, just chat to her quietly and keep her awake for five, ten minutes. Observe her breathing, if she wakes agitated try to keep her relaxed."
"This all because of the driving?" Scully's lips pursed.
"It could be just a panic attack, but I wasn't there and neither were you, so I don't want to take any chances. If she looks like she's in pain at any time-"
"What are you saying?"
"I just want to make sure she's not so emotionally overrun that anything physical's going wrong as well. She didn't really tell me anything. I don't think she's really lying but she wasn't being completely honest with me. How was she when you left?" John couldn't think of anything to say, so he shrugged.
"Uh...I guess okay." Scully nodded.
"Well I'm trusting you to be a bit more observant tonight."
"Don't worry, I will be."
"Good. You shouldn't have any problems, she's fast asleep. I'll call tomorrow morning to check up on her."
"Thanks Dana."
"What for, John?" Scully asked, casting him a smile as she left. He shut and locked the door and turned to look around the empty house. He found two blankets in one of Monica's cupboards and sat them on the couch, deciding to put one of her throw pillows under his neck. He stretched out on the couch and set the small alarm on his watch for two hours time, before dozing on the couch.
John woke to a beeping next to his cheek and checked the time on the watch. He was cautious about approaching her room, even though the door was open. However, even standing at the doorway he could tell that she wasn't there. There was a light shining behind the closed bathroom door. John walked in and through to the bathroom, knocking gently.
"Monica, you okay?" he asked. No reply. "Monica?" He tried the handle but it was locked. "Mon, you gotta let me in." He tried the handle again, this time more urgently. "Monica you have to let me know if you can hear me. Can you unlock the door? Mon?" Still no response. "Monnie, please! I'm really worried about you-" John heard a lock click and the door opened.
"Why?" Monica asked, tears streaming down her cheeks. John wasn't afraid to let her see how relieved he was at the sight of her, exhaling heavily.
"Oh Mon." His voice urged her forward but she resisted.
"I'm okay, you can go back to sleep." She brushed past him and slipped back into bed.
"It's not that easy. I have orders from Agent Scully to make sure you stay relaxed."
"I am relaxed," she stated, willing him to just go away. She was humiliated that she had told him how she felt and that she'd been wrong. Audrey had been wrong. She flinched as John touched her shoulder, and heard him sigh. She hadn't flinched when he'd touched her in the car, they were both thinking, both annoyed with themselves for letting it get this far. The tension between them was too much, and they were rubbing together the wrong way.
John reached for a pillow and sat down on it, on the floor next to Monica's face.
"Don't bullshit me," he replied, managing a smile. Monica just looked at him with those sad eyes. John couldn't believe it. She was disappointed in him. He had disappointed her. The man who she thought could never disappoint anyone. You sure showed her she was wrong, John's consciousness told him cynically. "Close your eyes," John stated softly, reaching up and running a hand tentatively along the side of her face. He shouldn't have been surprised to find her cheeks soaked with tears, but he was and tears stung his own eyes instantly as his hand continued to run down her face and through her hair. Monica's eyes were half closed, her mouth half open and John felt that need to kiss her, the same need and desire he'd had in the car just a week ago. "Dana says you have to relax, so I'm going to talk to you, okay?"
"Okay," she whispered, expelling a breath that she'd been holding. John's touch against her scalp was more soothing than she cared to admit, and she felt herself relaxing despite any internal struggles.
"I want you to know that I didn't tell Dana about what happened. Does she know?" Monica shook her head slowly and kept it turned when John's hand slid across her forehead, running down the other side of her face. She let out a soft sigh. "Monica, could you tell me what the anxiety attack was about?" She opened her eyes and rolled back onto her side so that she could watch him. "You've had a hard week, and you're not one hundred percent but you have to let us help you."
"John," she began. "I was upset. I just needed to come to terms with...some things, and I got myself too upset." She paused. "I want you to know, it's okay if you don't love me. I can accept that, and I, I want to keep working with you." John's face transformed from one of sadness to one of shock.
"Woah, slow down. Who said anything about that?" Monica shook her head and squeezed her eyes shut, blocking out the tears as she rolled onto her back. John stood and sat on the bed, taking her hands and slowly removing them from Monica's face. "I am so sorry-"
"It's okay. I thought I saw something, but I mustn't have. I thought you-" John watched as Monica risked opening her eyes and upon seeing him sitting so close to her, clutching her hands so tightly within his own, she chocked momentarily before starting to cry again.
"Mon, you thought you saw something because you did." John moved to the side further and helped Monica to sit up. She leant forward and was about to bury her face in her hands again before John snatched them back. "Hey, hey, shush... Monica you weren't wrong. I love working with you and I don't want that to change." Monica bit her bottom lip, stifling any further cries - saving them for later - and looked up at John.
"Was Audrey wrong?" she asked, her voice shaking.
"No," John replied before he'd even had a chance to think about it. Watching Monica looking up at him so earnestly there was no way he was going to choke. "Audrey wasn't wrong. Monica, I... Monica."
"What?"
"You've got such a beautiful name, did ya know that?" He touched his index finger's knuckle to her chin and saw a small smile. She shook her head. "Well you do, Monica Reyes." He let his arm slip around her back and pull her to sit up straighter, taking the chance to check out her breathing. She seemed fine, which helped John smile a little wider. "You're a beautiful woman and I want you, Mon. I want you forever, and that's what scares me. That's why I got scared. I'm not scared to love you, because I'm in love with you." He touched her cheek tenderly, feeling that her cheeks were still wet. She must have been crying continually for at least an hour. "I love you Monica." Monica sat and watched him as his eyes locked into hers.
"I love you too," she whispered. They sat opposite each other for a long time, before John ran his hand down along Monica's arm, taking her hand.
"You should lie down, try to sleep," he said. Monica nodded, grabbing John's hand as he tried to move away.
"Don't be scared," she started. "You can never, ever, disappoint me."
"What about tonight? You telling me you weren't disappointed?"
"You're here now, aren't you? I know you were worried and I, it was bad timing. It's just that...I was scared too John. I was scared of dying, that you wouldn't know. I had to tell you, in case I-"
"Nothing's ever gonna happen to you Mon." He leant down and kissed her forehead, before pulling back. "Don't be scared," he repeated her own advice. She reached up and touched his face, his warm cheek. John leant against her palm and kissed her wrist as he leant over her. Monica let out a sigh as she felt his breath against the veins on her wrist, quickening her pulse.
"Stay with me," she whispered. John nodded, and leant down as their lips met. The kiss was tentative but it was enough. Monica pushed back in the bed as the kiss deepened, their mouths pressing together as a pent-up desire was released within them both. John's hands slid under the covers and found the edge of Monica's small nightie, slowly shifting it up. She raised her hips and his thigh brushed her pelvic bone, causing her to arch her back. John received a signal to move a little faster. They could explore later; there would be plenty of time for that, but for now they needed to prove it to each other, to themselves, that they were made to be. Monica made a move to reach out for John's t-shirt but John took her hands and held her arms above her head as he raised her clothes higher, revealing her breasts that he kissed and caressed.
His hands ran around her back and she sat up, helping him remove the nightie over her head. John pulled her to him and drove his tongue into her mouth, holding her head with both hands. While he had control of her head, Monica's hands did their own exploring, working along his stomach and around to his back. She dug her fingers into the dip of his spine and tugged at his shirt. They broke for a moment as John removed his shirt. Monica leant forward, kissing his chest as her hands immediately sought out his fly. She pushed John back on the bed and straddled him, leaning down and kissing down the centre of his chest. John lifted his hips so that she could remove his pants and as she crawled back up his body, her fingers gently stroking his erection through his underwear. John caught her mouth with his and pushed her back onto the bed. He needed to show her how much he wanted her. It was his turn to kiss down her body, all the while teasing her through her underwear. She was wet and John helped her remove her underwear as he did the same. Monica knew what he was up to once his tongue slid across her centre, but she wanted him as much as he wanted her. Her hands slid along the back of John's neck, pulling him up her body as her legs widened further. No words were spoken between them as John entered her, at the same time pressing his lips against hers, pushing her head back into the pillows as her hips lifted to meet him. They established their rhythm and both moaned through their kiss as Monica arched her back, allowing John to thrust deeper. Monica could feel her body building in its response. They were becoming more vocal and Monica cried out as John's fingers brushed against her clit for the first time. The throbbing between her legs and inside of her was intense and she felt that John was at the point of release, and was urging her faster. She pushed up into him and his fingers pressed around her clit, his hips pushing down on her own. It only took one more stroke before she shuddered, feeling John come inside of her as they rocked more gently, riding their climax out.
When they pulled apart, John turned to face Monica on his side and she slid close to him, their legs still entwined as they leant into each other, dozing.
"Relaxed?" John asked in her ear. She smiled as John ran his finger gently across her face, now flushed for a very different reason. There were no more tears.
"Very," she whispered back. "I love you John." John kissed her cheek as their eyes closed for good that night.
"I love you too."
*
Monica was startled awake by the phone, which rang only twice. She rolled over and realised John was no longer in bed, and that it was now eight am. She sat up, pulling her pyjamas back on, and went to find him. As she'd suspected, he was on the phone. He held out a cup of coffee for her and she took it, smiling.
"She's fine. Yes I checked her regularly. Actually, she's just up now. Would you like to speak with her? Sure..." He handed Monica the phone, and whispered in her ear, "It's Dana, try not to sound too happy." Monica couldn't help laughing and held the phone to her ear.
"Hi Dana," Monica began. "I'm feeling good. Yes he woke me up. Well, it was up and down but I had a good sleep... Thankyou, yes. Okay, I'll tell him, bye." She hung up and turned to John. "She says to tell you thanks and nice work." John smiled and walked up to her, running his hand down her face and pulling her to him for a gentle kiss. "Good morning," Monica greeted, smiling as she pulled back. "You been up long?"
"A little while, yeah. I've been thinking."
"Oh?" He sat himself up on the bench and she walked to him, his arms encircling her waist, his thumb stroking one of the now-almost-fully-healed bruises from the accident on her hip from the seatbelt.
"I forgot about your bruises," he mentioned as casually as he could. The truth was, he'd realised once he'd awoken, watching her sleep, that there was an obvious dark streak across her chest, also from the seatbelt. Monica smiled and took his hands from behind her, bringing them to rest between their bodies.
"You didn't hurt me last night John, you healed me." John smiled and Monica grinned, leant forward and kissed him briefly on the cheek.
"What was that for?"
"I haven't seen you smile like that for so long." John's smile grew wider and Monica changed her statement. "Ever."
"You know, this changes everything."
"We can keep it simple."
"You think?" She nodded.
"Yeah. We do our job the same as always. We can do it. I have complete faith in it."
"And if we get found out?" She shrugged.
"We'll have to tell eventually anyway, right?" She smiled and traced John's smile lines. "Last night was incredible, John."
"You haven't seen anything yet," John promised. They kissed. "I should go; I have to get ready for work. You know I could get used to these half days... I'll be by to pick you up okay?" She nodded, kissing goodbye before he let himself out.
*
Monica was looking at her badge when the phone rang.
"Monica Reyes."
"You know what else?" Monica smiled.
"What?"
"I'm not scared of forever any more."
"You want forever?" she asked, smiling at herself in the mirror. She looked and felt revived, and she was sure Scully was going to work out why.
"I do," John replied, finally being honest with her, and with himself.
"Then you should hurry your happy little butt back here so we can get to work on making it happen." John laughed.
"I'll see you soon Monica. I'm on my way."
"Good," Monica replied, grinning. "See you." She hung up, remembering that she had to check the locks on her windows before she left. She couldn't wait to see John, actually. If they were going to be professional at work, then she would have to be overjoyed at double her usual rate at home to make up for lost time. As soon as John arrived, she brought him inside and kissed him. Pulling back, they smiled at each other. John stretched out his hand.
"Let's get to work, partner." Their eyes sparkled together as, with determination, Monica grasped his hand and they shook, slowly transforming into the platonic partnership that they would keep up until they chose, or were forced, to come clean.
*** Notes: Well today I watched the faculty and OMG that SMILE! :D (Possessed by parasitic alien lifeforms perhaps, but still damn sexy!) Anyway I started four different fics before I realised that I've never tried a post- Audrey fic, and so I decided to. Yay! Hope you enjoyed. :)
"Come on!" John urged. Monica stood on his porch and shook her head, her hands clasped tightly in front of her. John was half way to his car already and turned when she didn't respond. Gosh she's beautiful, he started thinking, but cut himself off. This wasn't what she was here to do. He reached out his hand. "Come on," he spoke gently. She took a deep breath.
"I'm not ready," Monica insisted. "I can't do this. Definitely not with you."
"You're not going to hurt me, I promise."
"How do you know?" Monica asked. John didn't reply, inching his hand that little bit closer to her. She stepped forward and took it reluctantly. John squeezed her hand as reassuringly as he could as they walked to his car. He opened the driver's door and turned to Monica, still holding her hand as she climbed in and adjusted the seat with her right hand. John placed her left on the steering wheel and smiled as he felt her fingers instinctively curl around the edges.
"You've driven this car tonnes of times, Mon. I know," he finally answered her as he shut her door and got into the front passenger seat. They put on their seatbelts. Monica took a deep breath and started up the car, glancing around and pulling out onto the street.
"Where are we going?"
"Your place," John replied. "And not the back way. Through the main-"
"John." Monica's voice shook.
"You've gotta try this Mon."
"It's too soon."
"No it's not. You're ready to do this." John glanced over at Monica and saw her biting her bottom lip as she drove. His mind told him not to distract her, but impulse allowed him to reach out and rest a hand near her knee. "Just relax," he soothed. She didn't flinch at his touch, instead taking a deep breath. She seemed to do just that: relax. John went to remove his hand.
"No, John," Monica began, her voice wavering again. "Please." His hand settled back on her thigh. Jesus, he thought. She really is nervous. Maybe this was too soon... No, he resolved, it wasn't too soon. She was well rested and she wanted to get back to work as soon as possible. "We're coming up to the intersection," he heard her say as he watched his thumb glide carefully across the fabric of her pants at her knee. He made sure he didn't tense up as he looked straight ahead.
"Just go through it. Follow the lights. You'll be okay." She nodded. "You can do this Monica."
Monica had a green light and John glanced at the speedometer. She wasn't slowing down, which was a good thing. She was going to be fine. Both of them glanced left and right as they drove straight through without any problems. John smiled but Monica wasn't. She cleared the main road and pulled into a parking spot. John was silent, waiting for her to say something. After stopping the car and turning off the engine, she turned to face him.
"Could you drive from here?" John nodded.
"Of course." He smiled. "You okay?"
"Yeah," she took a deep breath. "I just need to relax-" John nodded and they both got out, switching places, before John drove to her house.
Monica walked in first and switched on the lights. She'd been quiet the rest of the way home and John felt the need to talk to her about things.
"Monica, you sure you're all right?" he asked as she downed a glass of water at the kitchen sink. She nodded, licking her lips as she turned back to him. She smiled.
"Yeah. Thankyou John. I needed to do that."
"Just you've been really quiet."
"Yeah," she repeated. "I just needed to think and to...think. Do you want a drink or anything?"
"I'm right."
"Well, help yourself." She started looking around for something to eat.
"Don't worry about food, Mon. Come on, let's sit and watch some TV." Monica walked over, nodding to herself and following John into the living room. He took a seat on her couch and used the remote to switch on the television, picking a channel. Monica sat next to him and it wasn't long before John realised she wasn't watching anything but him. He glanced over at her and his breath caught in his chest. She was just staring at him. There was no identifiable expression in her eyes, and she wasn't examining a part of him, she was just watching him, her eyes large and full of tears.
"You don't want to watch TV John," she stated plainly, before reaching forward and taking the remote control from his hand. She reached it out and turned the television off. He turned to face her and took a chance by looking straight into her eyes. Monica's mouth opened as though she was going to say something, but after a moment it closed again.
"You sure you're okay Monica?" he asked. "You don't look so well. I know it's been tough. If you need-" Monica reached out and grabbed his hand.
"I'm gonna be fine, John." John felt her hand moving away from his and couldn't bring himself to squeeze it, instead watching it move to rest closer to its owner.
"Well if you need anything just let me know. I know you're shook up after driving through that intersection but-" Monica managed a smile.
"No, that was good. I was nervous but I feel better. I promise."
"Then what's the matter? Monica I know when something's wrong." Monica's smile faded somewhat into one of quiet contemplation.
"John I need to ask you something." John nodded. "Please don't be scared, but Audrey told me something and I need to know whether or not it's true, but let me finish first-" John observed her silently and Monica took that as an invitation to continue. "I don't, I'm just... I want you to know that- " she stopped, taking a deep breath before changing her line of questioning, realising that saying it straight out was much harder than she'd imagined when he was looking at her so blankly. "If I had died, what would you have done?" she had to know this. She had to find out right now.
"Monica, you didn't die-"
"But, if I had..."
"Mon." John's voice was low and sad. "You really want to know?" he asked after staring at her own saddened face. She nodded.
"Yeah I really do."
"Okay... First of all, I would've sat next to you until they made me leave, but I wouldn't have said goodbye. Agent Scully would have to drag me home, probably. After awhile, I'd realise what a scared little shit I really was, and I'd work myself into the ground until I quit or was made to. I'd probably run away to some small town, just me and my dog." John thought Monica would focus on the dog factor, but she didn't.
"Why do you think you're a scared little shit?" she asked, several tears sliding down her cheeks. Her eyes searched his but he refused to give any more until she complied.
"What did Audrey say to you, that you wanted to know was true?" She shook her head and he knew she wasn't giving in, capable of being just as stubborn as he was. "If I hadn't been so gutless, you wouldn't have been anywhere near that intersection." That's it, that's all John was confessing to. She could work the rest out inside her own head. Watching her, it looked as though she had, but the expression left her face almost as quickly as it had come. "Now," he leant closer to her. "What did Audrey say to you? Something about the case?"
"No," Monica replied, her voice low. "She told me you loved me. Do you?" The tears had stopped but more were on their way, it seemed, as John hesitated. "Because I love you." Oh shit, he wasn't ready for this. He couldn't do it. He felt an emotional rock settle right in the pit of his stomach.
"I..." Monica's eyes begged him not to run, but they also told him that she already knew he was going to. There was a hurt there, a hurt that she reserved just for him. "I have to go Monica, I can't. I'm not ready." He stood. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." The front door closed behind him with a soft click and Monica turned to stare at the blank television. She slid off the couch onto the floor; her knees pulled up to her chest and her head buried between them, beginning to sob.
*
Monica woke in the recovery position, to two hands on her waist, slight hands, and a voice in her ear, a woman's voice.
"Monica, Monica wake up." Scully felt Monica jump and smiled. "It's Dana, you fell asleep on the floor, come on, up you get." Monica rolled onto her back and saw Scully crouched on the floor beside her.
"Dana," she started, her voice thick and shaky. Scully nodded, helping Monica to sit up.
"It's late, come on we'll get you into bed."
"I-I'm okay." Scully glanced her up and down, leading her to the bedroom nonetheless.
"Are you sure? Why didn't you answer the phone?"
"I- When?"
"I've left several messages on your machine and when you still never picked up..."
"I mustn't have heard." Monica stopped and put a hand to her forehead.
"Get changed for bed," Scully began. "I'll go get you some aspirin and water."
"Thanks Dana," Scully heard her reply as she left Monica to change. Upon her return, Monica was sitting up in bed, the covers pulled to her waist, wearing a black linen nightie. Scully handed her the tablet and water and she took it gratefully as Scully perched on the edge of the bed.
"Do you remember how you came to be passed out on the floor?" she asked as Monica handed the glass back to her.
"Unfortunately," Monica replied, sighing as she slid down in the bed. Scully rested the back of her hand along Monica's forehead.
"Have you been feeling all right today?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just got a little worked up."
"Over?"
"John took me for a drive through-"
"He told me he was going to do that. How did you go?"
"Okay, I think." Scully raised an eyebrow and seemed to stare straight into Monica's eyes.
"Funny, because I don't think so." Monica watched Scully carefully. "You're flushed, your breath's shaky, you're warm and yet you're clinging to the edges of the blanket as though your life depends upon it. Tell me what happened, Monica. I'm a doctor." Monica sighed, looking away and mumbling something. "What was that?" Scully asked. Monica turned back to her.
"I was fine going through the intersection. Once I'd passed it I just felt so relieved."
"That's not it," Scully cut in. "Monica have you had any chest pains?" Monica's eyes went wide and she shook her head. "Are you sure? No numbness in your arms?"
"No, I don't think so. I, I thought it was an anxiety attack. I think I fainted." Scully breathed a sigh of relief but made sure Monica couldn't tell.
"Can you describe it for me?" Monica nodded, propped up on her elbows.
"I was," her eyes flicked away for a second before settling on Scully's shoulder. "Crying. And you know when you run out of tears, but you just can't stop?" Monica's eyes searched Scully's for reassurance and Scully smiled.
"Yeah I know," Scully replied softly.
"I didn't realise I was having trouble breathing until it was too late to try to relax and I, I fainted."
"Were you standing up?"
"No I was sitting on the floor." Scully urged her to sit up and switched on the bedside lamp for some extra light. She reached out, pushing Monica's hair out of her face and checking for any bruises at vulnerable places. There were none, but as Scully's fingers brushed a little further back, she saw Monica wince and knew the small bump there was the result of her head hitting the floor.
"Still got that headache?"
"No, it's going." Scully nodded.
"Good." She reached over and picked up the phone.
"Who are you calling?" Scully smiled and held a finger to her lips as she walked out of the room.
"John Doggett," John answered as he stretched on his couch. He'd just turned the television on after arriving home but it didn't seem like there was much on. At least, much that he could concentrate on. It'd have to be a damn good show to distract him from his thoughts on Monica. He felt like such a coward!
"John, it's Dana," she began. "I need a favour."
"Sure. Everything all right?"
"Yes, I think so. Listen I'd do this myself but mum has William and I can't leave him another night-"
"It's okay, just let me know."
"Can you come sleep on Monica's couch tonight? I'm sorry about the hassle-"
"Wait on. What's happened? Is she all right?" Scully explained that she'd found Monica passed out on the floor and that she needed someone to check in on her every now and then. "Passed out?" John clarified. "How come?"
"She had a panic attack. My guess is that it's been building up since you took her driving this afternoon. I just don't want to leave her alone in case she has another-"
"I'll be there as soon as I can," John hurried, not bothering to correct Scully on the details.
Scully finished the conversation and made her way back into Monica's room. She was lying on her side and wiping her eye, leaving it closed. Scully sat down and ran her hand slowly along Monica's back.
"How you going?"
"I'm tired," Monica replied softly.
"I know. But I'm going to sit here until you go to sleep. John's on his way. If you need anything during the night he'll be on the couch, all right?"
"He doesn't have to come over. I'm okay," Monica insisted. Scully got off the bed and knelt beside it so that she was eye level with Monica, who opened her eyes slowly.
"I don't think you are, and I'm going to get him to keep an eye on you. I'd do it myself but-"
"William," Monica whispered. Scully nodded slightly as Monica's eyes drifted shut again.
"Just rest," Scully spoke softly for the next couple of minutes, helping Monica to breathe deeper and drift into a more content sleep. A shadow fell across the ground next to Scully and she turned quickly to see John holding his keys in his hand. He must have a spare, she thought, suddenly wondering why he would have a spare. His eyes were wide and full of worry, and he seemed afraid to come in. Scully glanced at Monica, who seemed asleep, and stood, ushering John out and grabbing her bag on the way. They stopped at the front door. "You'll be right?" John nodded.
"Yeah I know my way around okay."
"I need you to wake her in a couple of hours, just chat to her quietly and keep her awake for five, ten minutes. Observe her breathing, if she wakes agitated try to keep her relaxed."
"This all because of the driving?" Scully's lips pursed.
"It could be just a panic attack, but I wasn't there and neither were you, so I don't want to take any chances. If she looks like she's in pain at any time-"
"What are you saying?"
"I just want to make sure she's not so emotionally overrun that anything physical's going wrong as well. She didn't really tell me anything. I don't think she's really lying but she wasn't being completely honest with me. How was she when you left?" John couldn't think of anything to say, so he shrugged.
"Uh...I guess okay." Scully nodded.
"Well I'm trusting you to be a bit more observant tonight."
"Don't worry, I will be."
"Good. You shouldn't have any problems, she's fast asleep. I'll call tomorrow morning to check up on her."
"Thanks Dana."
"What for, John?" Scully asked, casting him a smile as she left. He shut and locked the door and turned to look around the empty house. He found two blankets in one of Monica's cupboards and sat them on the couch, deciding to put one of her throw pillows under his neck. He stretched out on the couch and set the small alarm on his watch for two hours time, before dozing on the couch.
John woke to a beeping next to his cheek and checked the time on the watch. He was cautious about approaching her room, even though the door was open. However, even standing at the doorway he could tell that she wasn't there. There was a light shining behind the closed bathroom door. John walked in and through to the bathroom, knocking gently.
"Monica, you okay?" he asked. No reply. "Monica?" He tried the handle but it was locked. "Mon, you gotta let me in." He tried the handle again, this time more urgently. "Monica you have to let me know if you can hear me. Can you unlock the door? Mon?" Still no response. "Monnie, please! I'm really worried about you-" John heard a lock click and the door opened.
"Why?" Monica asked, tears streaming down her cheeks. John wasn't afraid to let her see how relieved he was at the sight of her, exhaling heavily.
"Oh Mon." His voice urged her forward but she resisted.
"I'm okay, you can go back to sleep." She brushed past him and slipped back into bed.
"It's not that easy. I have orders from Agent Scully to make sure you stay relaxed."
"I am relaxed," she stated, willing him to just go away. She was humiliated that she had told him how she felt and that she'd been wrong. Audrey had been wrong. She flinched as John touched her shoulder, and heard him sigh. She hadn't flinched when he'd touched her in the car, they were both thinking, both annoyed with themselves for letting it get this far. The tension between them was too much, and they were rubbing together the wrong way.
John reached for a pillow and sat down on it, on the floor next to Monica's face.
"Don't bullshit me," he replied, managing a smile. Monica just looked at him with those sad eyes. John couldn't believe it. She was disappointed in him. He had disappointed her. The man who she thought could never disappoint anyone. You sure showed her she was wrong, John's consciousness told him cynically. "Close your eyes," John stated softly, reaching up and running a hand tentatively along the side of her face. He shouldn't have been surprised to find her cheeks soaked with tears, but he was and tears stung his own eyes instantly as his hand continued to run down her face and through her hair. Monica's eyes were half closed, her mouth half open and John felt that need to kiss her, the same need and desire he'd had in the car just a week ago. "Dana says you have to relax, so I'm going to talk to you, okay?"
"Okay," she whispered, expelling a breath that she'd been holding. John's touch against her scalp was more soothing than she cared to admit, and she felt herself relaxing despite any internal struggles.
"I want you to know that I didn't tell Dana about what happened. Does she know?" Monica shook her head slowly and kept it turned when John's hand slid across her forehead, running down the other side of her face. She let out a soft sigh. "Monica, could you tell me what the anxiety attack was about?" She opened her eyes and rolled back onto her side so that she could watch him. "You've had a hard week, and you're not one hundred percent but you have to let us help you."
"John," she began. "I was upset. I just needed to come to terms with...some things, and I got myself too upset." She paused. "I want you to know, it's okay if you don't love me. I can accept that, and I, I want to keep working with you." John's face transformed from one of sadness to one of shock.
"Woah, slow down. Who said anything about that?" Monica shook her head and squeezed her eyes shut, blocking out the tears as she rolled onto her back. John stood and sat on the bed, taking her hands and slowly removing them from Monica's face. "I am so sorry-"
"It's okay. I thought I saw something, but I mustn't have. I thought you-" John watched as Monica risked opening her eyes and upon seeing him sitting so close to her, clutching her hands so tightly within his own, she chocked momentarily before starting to cry again.
"Mon, you thought you saw something because you did." John moved to the side further and helped Monica to sit up. She leant forward and was about to bury her face in her hands again before John snatched them back. "Hey, hey, shush... Monica you weren't wrong. I love working with you and I don't want that to change." Monica bit her bottom lip, stifling any further cries - saving them for later - and looked up at John.
"Was Audrey wrong?" she asked, her voice shaking.
"No," John replied before he'd even had a chance to think about it. Watching Monica looking up at him so earnestly there was no way he was going to choke. "Audrey wasn't wrong. Monica, I... Monica."
"What?"
"You've got such a beautiful name, did ya know that?" He touched his index finger's knuckle to her chin and saw a small smile. She shook her head. "Well you do, Monica Reyes." He let his arm slip around her back and pull her to sit up straighter, taking the chance to check out her breathing. She seemed fine, which helped John smile a little wider. "You're a beautiful woman and I want you, Mon. I want you forever, and that's what scares me. That's why I got scared. I'm not scared to love you, because I'm in love with you." He touched her cheek tenderly, feeling that her cheeks were still wet. She must have been crying continually for at least an hour. "I love you Monica." Monica sat and watched him as his eyes locked into hers.
"I love you too," she whispered. They sat opposite each other for a long time, before John ran his hand down along Monica's arm, taking her hand.
"You should lie down, try to sleep," he said. Monica nodded, grabbing John's hand as he tried to move away.
"Don't be scared," she started. "You can never, ever, disappoint me."
"What about tonight? You telling me you weren't disappointed?"
"You're here now, aren't you? I know you were worried and I, it was bad timing. It's just that...I was scared too John. I was scared of dying, that you wouldn't know. I had to tell you, in case I-"
"Nothing's ever gonna happen to you Mon." He leant down and kissed her forehead, before pulling back. "Don't be scared," he repeated her own advice. She reached up and touched his face, his warm cheek. John leant against her palm and kissed her wrist as he leant over her. Monica let out a sigh as she felt his breath against the veins on her wrist, quickening her pulse.
"Stay with me," she whispered. John nodded, and leant down as their lips met. The kiss was tentative but it was enough. Monica pushed back in the bed as the kiss deepened, their mouths pressing together as a pent-up desire was released within them both. John's hands slid under the covers and found the edge of Monica's small nightie, slowly shifting it up. She raised her hips and his thigh brushed her pelvic bone, causing her to arch her back. John received a signal to move a little faster. They could explore later; there would be plenty of time for that, but for now they needed to prove it to each other, to themselves, that they were made to be. Monica made a move to reach out for John's t-shirt but John took her hands and held her arms above her head as he raised her clothes higher, revealing her breasts that he kissed and caressed.
His hands ran around her back and she sat up, helping him remove the nightie over her head. John pulled her to him and drove his tongue into her mouth, holding her head with both hands. While he had control of her head, Monica's hands did their own exploring, working along his stomach and around to his back. She dug her fingers into the dip of his spine and tugged at his shirt. They broke for a moment as John removed his shirt. Monica leant forward, kissing his chest as her hands immediately sought out his fly. She pushed John back on the bed and straddled him, leaning down and kissing down the centre of his chest. John lifted his hips so that she could remove his pants and as she crawled back up his body, her fingers gently stroking his erection through his underwear. John caught her mouth with his and pushed her back onto the bed. He needed to show her how much he wanted her. It was his turn to kiss down her body, all the while teasing her through her underwear. She was wet and John helped her remove her underwear as he did the same. Monica knew what he was up to once his tongue slid across her centre, but she wanted him as much as he wanted her. Her hands slid along the back of John's neck, pulling him up her body as her legs widened further. No words were spoken between them as John entered her, at the same time pressing his lips against hers, pushing her head back into the pillows as her hips lifted to meet him. They established their rhythm and both moaned through their kiss as Monica arched her back, allowing John to thrust deeper. Monica could feel her body building in its response. They were becoming more vocal and Monica cried out as John's fingers brushed against her clit for the first time. The throbbing between her legs and inside of her was intense and she felt that John was at the point of release, and was urging her faster. She pushed up into him and his fingers pressed around her clit, his hips pushing down on her own. It only took one more stroke before she shuddered, feeling John come inside of her as they rocked more gently, riding their climax out.
When they pulled apart, John turned to face Monica on his side and she slid close to him, their legs still entwined as they leant into each other, dozing.
"Relaxed?" John asked in her ear. She smiled as John ran his finger gently across her face, now flushed for a very different reason. There were no more tears.
"Very," she whispered back. "I love you John." John kissed her cheek as their eyes closed for good that night.
"I love you too."
*
Monica was startled awake by the phone, which rang only twice. She rolled over and realised John was no longer in bed, and that it was now eight am. She sat up, pulling her pyjamas back on, and went to find him. As she'd suspected, he was on the phone. He held out a cup of coffee for her and she took it, smiling.
"She's fine. Yes I checked her regularly. Actually, she's just up now. Would you like to speak with her? Sure..." He handed Monica the phone, and whispered in her ear, "It's Dana, try not to sound too happy." Monica couldn't help laughing and held the phone to her ear.
"Hi Dana," Monica began. "I'm feeling good. Yes he woke me up. Well, it was up and down but I had a good sleep... Thankyou, yes. Okay, I'll tell him, bye." She hung up and turned to John. "She says to tell you thanks and nice work." John smiled and walked up to her, running his hand down her face and pulling her to him for a gentle kiss. "Good morning," Monica greeted, smiling as she pulled back. "You been up long?"
"A little while, yeah. I've been thinking."
"Oh?" He sat himself up on the bench and she walked to him, his arms encircling her waist, his thumb stroking one of the now-almost-fully-healed bruises from the accident on her hip from the seatbelt.
"I forgot about your bruises," he mentioned as casually as he could. The truth was, he'd realised once he'd awoken, watching her sleep, that there was an obvious dark streak across her chest, also from the seatbelt. Monica smiled and took his hands from behind her, bringing them to rest between their bodies.
"You didn't hurt me last night John, you healed me." John smiled and Monica grinned, leant forward and kissed him briefly on the cheek.
"What was that for?"
"I haven't seen you smile like that for so long." John's smile grew wider and Monica changed her statement. "Ever."
"You know, this changes everything."
"We can keep it simple."
"You think?" She nodded.
"Yeah. We do our job the same as always. We can do it. I have complete faith in it."
"And if we get found out?" She shrugged.
"We'll have to tell eventually anyway, right?" She smiled and traced John's smile lines. "Last night was incredible, John."
"You haven't seen anything yet," John promised. They kissed. "I should go; I have to get ready for work. You know I could get used to these half days... I'll be by to pick you up okay?" She nodded, kissing goodbye before he let himself out.
*
Monica was looking at her badge when the phone rang.
"Monica Reyes."
"You know what else?" Monica smiled.
"What?"
"I'm not scared of forever any more."
"You want forever?" she asked, smiling at herself in the mirror. She looked and felt revived, and she was sure Scully was going to work out why.
"I do," John replied, finally being honest with her, and with himself.
"Then you should hurry your happy little butt back here so we can get to work on making it happen." John laughed.
"I'll see you soon Monica. I'm on my way."
"Good," Monica replied, grinning. "See you." She hung up, remembering that she had to check the locks on her windows before she left. She couldn't wait to see John, actually. If they were going to be professional at work, then she would have to be overjoyed at double her usual rate at home to make up for lost time. As soon as John arrived, she brought him inside and kissed him. Pulling back, they smiled at each other. John stretched out his hand.
"Let's get to work, partner." Their eyes sparkled together as, with determination, Monica grasped his hand and they shook, slowly transforming into the platonic partnership that they would keep up until they chose, or were forced, to come clean.
*** Notes: Well today I watched the faculty and OMG that SMILE! :D (Possessed by parasitic alien lifeforms perhaps, but still damn sexy!) Anyway I started four different fics before I realised that I've never tried a post- Audrey fic, and so I decided to. Yay! Hope you enjoyed. :)
