"And five, six, seven, eight"
Want me to come around and give you good karma, but no, we escalate. Up in this bitch like elevators.
Of course sometimes shit go down
When it's a billion dollars on an elevator-
"And one, two, right, four, left, left, turn, eight. One, kick, three, good, turn, jump, yes, nice. Loosen up a bit, it'll be easier if you try to relax."
Ha, ha, God damn, God damn, God damn!
"Alright let's wrap it up! Awesome, guys!"
Momma taught me good home training.
My Daddy taught me how to love my haters.
My sister told me I should speak my mi-
You turn off the music and grab a bottle of water out of your bag. You walk back to the middle of the room and sign at your dancers that they have to sit down. "Alright, gather up. Guys .. Tina? So .. You know that the show is in two weeks, right? This is a hard routine, I know. But you can do this. All of you. I believe in you, kay?"
The group nods. A few of them are laying sprawled out on the floor, the other ones are emptying their water bottles within seconds.
You nudge a blonde with your foot and smile when the girl looks up sheepishly.
"You okay, Quinn?"
"Hmm"
You let out a chuckle and turn the other way. You take a sip from your water bottle and wave with your hand. "You're free to go"
You watch the group get up on their feet in slow motion, and you sigh. You know this is one of the most exhausting routines you've had them do this year, but hey, they want to become better dancers, don't they? You just hate seeing them so worn out.
I guess you noticed my reflection in the mirror, because suddenly you turn around. I was kind of hoping you would notice me and approach me, but now I wish you wouldn't have.
"Santana? Did you want to ask me something?"
You've known me for almost two years, by now you've figured out that I'm kind of the shy type when it comes to speaking to .. Well, people.
I look down at the ground, shuffling my feet and nervously fiddling with my hands. "Nothing" I mumble under my breath.
You roll your eyes and laugh "What can I do for you, Santana?"
I sigh and look up at you. You have a reassuring smile on your face, and the patient look in your eyes gives me a bit of courage. "I, um .. I don't really think it's .. It's a good idea to put me on the front line .."
You nod, bringing the bottle to your lips and taking a few sips. "Why not?"
I look down again "I just .. I'm gonna screw it up, and stuff .. I don't want to let you down .."
"But you're one of my best dancers, Santana. You can dance this choreography as good as anyone, if not even better."
"Really..?"
My voice sounds small and unsure. God, I hate it when I sound like this. You probably think I'm pathetic now, or just fishing for compliments.
"Hm hm" you nod. "I kept my eyes on you today, and you danced it flawlessly"
"I didn't" I whisper.
You furrow your eyebrows a bit, and take a step closer to me. "Didn't you?"
I slowly shake my head. "It's um, the chorus. Just that one step, I never get it right and then I just can't keep up anymore"
Your lip lips curl into a smile "Oh, yeah, I noticed that"
"Bye, Brittany!"
"Bye, Kurt! See you next week"
We watch the last people leave, the room is empty again. Empty and quiet. The mirrors make it seem even bigger, and the squeeking of my shoes on the floor echoes against the walls.
"You did ..?"
You look at me, raise your eyebrows, and then realise what I said.
You give me a soft smile. "You know what? I'll go over the steps with you again. Just you and me, no pressure from the others. How does that sound?"
I slightly lift my shoulders. "You don't have to.." I murmur, but you smile and shake your head.
"Hey, I'm your teacher. I'm supposed to help you become better, remember? We can meet up tomorrow, if you want. I have a class until 5, and then I'll probably go out to get something to eat, but I can meet you here after"
"Really?"
You nod, "Of course" you say, reassuring me with that smile again. You turn around, shove your stuff into your bag and swing it over your shoulder. "I have to go now, though. Meet me here tomorrow, at six. And make sure you eat something before, okay? I can't work when you're passed out on the floor"
I walk with you to the door and chuckle lightly. "That would be pretty inconvenient,.."
"Right?" you hint a smile at me. "Well, I'll see you tomorrow then" You turn and walk in the opposite direction, I'm guessing you're going to shower. I turn around and push the glass door open with my fingertips. A cold breeze in my neck makes me shiver.
I tug on my scarf and wrap it tightly around my neck. Just before I let the door fall close, I hear someone call my name. I turn around and see you running up to me.
"Santana" you call. I hold the door. You stand still in the doorway.
"I uh, I just realised I can't stay really long tomorrow. Because it's, you know, Saturday night."
I bite my lip, and nod. "Yeah, um. That's okay, I'll just ask Quinn or something .. Don't worry about it .."
Your lips curl into a little smile "You can always just come a little earlier, around 5? Watch the class for a while if I'm not ready yet. I'll just eat a sandwich in between or something"
I give you a soft smile. "Thank you"
You shrug "You don't have to thank me"
"Hm .. Ms Pierce?"
You sigh, but you can't hide your smile, "I told you to stop calling me miss" you wink. "It makes me feel old"
I smile shyly. "Sorry"
"It's fine, what did you want to say?"
"Oh" I put my hands in my pocket to keep them warm and a nervous smile appears on my face. "Just that um .. You're really my favourite teacher"
You shake your head and laugh at me. "You're sweet. See you tomorrow, Santana"
I hint a smile back and watch you run away from me again. I sigh and turn around. I walk down the street, my apartment is only a few blocks away. I count the steps I take out of boredom, and try to remember as many faces as I see. One, two, three yellow cars pass by. 5 blue ones, 1 purple. My lips curl into a little smile when I see an old lady in a pimped out sports car. It drives away with a lot of noise and I turn around a corner.
About ten minutes later I pass the bar right next to my bulding. I glance through the window and a sad smile appears on my face. There is this old man sitting in a corner, his name is Jonathan Thums. I sometimes pass him in the hall of the apartment complex, I believe he lives in flat 5C. I always see him in here, reading a newspaper, or having a drink alone at the bar. I don't know why, I kind of just feel bad for him. He seems so lonely.
I walk through the front door of my apartment building. I live in a giant complex, and from the outside you would think it's quite crappy, but it's actually really nice. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a hotel instead of an apartment because it's so big, but then I remember I have to cook my own meals, and that is kind of a buzz kill. I continue my way to the elevator and press the button to my floor. It always takes a while, since I am literally on the highest floor of the building, but I don't mind. There usually aren't that many people on the elevator at this time.
The doors open and I walk out and unlock the door of my apartment. Quinn is sprawled out on the couch, watching tv. She's still wearing her dance outfit, grey sweatpants and an old cheerios T-shirt. There's a bag of chips laying on the ground.
"whuttookyousolong" I hear her mumble, her face pressed into a pillow.
"I uh, I had to ask ms Pierce something. Why didn't you wait up for me"
She turns her head, and even though only half her face is showing, I can see she's raising a brow at me.
"I can't believe you are still calling her miss Pierce. We've known her for like two years now, and she's like, what .. 1 year older than you?" She asks, her hand blindly trying to fish some chips out of the bag.
I roll my eyes and drop my bag on the counter. I open the fridge and grab a can of diet coke.
"She's two years older, and it just feels weird calling her Brittany"
Quinn huffs. "Why? Is that too personal for you?"
I grab the roll of paper towels and throw it at her head. It unrolls on the floor and Quinn sits up and gasps. "What's your problem?"
"Don't make fun of me.." I reply, shrugging my shoulders lightly. "Can you clean that up?"
She groans and lets her head fall back on the couch. "You're the worst roommate ever .."
I grin and walk around the kitchen to find a clean cup. "We should really do the dishes some time, Q. I can't even find one cup or glass that doesn't have remains of soda, wine, or disgusting orange juice in it."
"Well, have you looked in the cupboard?"
I frown "The cupboard .." I mumble under my breath. I open a few doors and my frown grows bigger when I find an entire shelf of clean glasses.
"Oh"
I take one out and fill it with soda. "Hey," I call, when I see an empty bowl with some cheesy leftovers. "Did you eat macaroni and cheese?"
"Yeah why?"
I sigh. Do you know those kind of people who can eat like three meals in the time you eat a sandwich? Well, Quinn's one of them. I still don't get how she can eat this much and not throw up every time. Must be genetics or something.
"You could've made me some" I tell her, walking over to the couch. I sit down and glance at the screen. She's watching that ridiculous show again.
"I don't understand how you can watch this but hate Sweet Valley High"
She starts to laugh at me and I shake my head. "This is realistic" she replies, in a pathetic attempt to defend Jersey Shore.
I let out a deep sigh. "Quinn .. It is literally a show about people having a better time than you. Preferably using that time to get drunk and .. Having sexual .. Relationships"
She tries to bite back a laugh. "Sexual relationships?"
I scowl and look down to hide my flushing cheeks. "Shut up.." I mutter.
She chuckles "Anyway, your hilarious embarrassment aside, what's for dinner tonight?"
I shrug again "I don't know.. I don't feel like cooking. Chinese?"
"Kay" she mumbles, and she lies down and grabs the tv remote. She zapps through some channels and stops when she sees Girls is on.
"Quinn?"
She doesn't look up at me. Knowing Quinn, she's either ignoring me for her sake, or she's just so caught up in this show, -which I have to admit, is good- that she simply doesn't hear me.
"Quinn" I try again, a little louder.
"Hm?" she glances at me and raises her eyebrows.
"Can you call for take out?"
She sighs, sits up and looks at me. At first I thought she was going to tell me to do it myself, but she gives me an understanding smile.
"Sure"
I'm standing outside of the studio, waiting for the clock to strike 5. I don't want to be early, so yes, I am waiting outside in the cold until I'm supposed to be inside. I look at my watch.
16.59h.
I feel a cold drip on my face and look up, it's already starting to drizzle. I take a step closer to the door and let out a soft squeek when the electronic doors open. I stand close to the wall so the raindrops can't hit me and I check my watch again.
17.00h
I turn around, causing the door to open and I swipe my card in front of the card reader to get in. I make my way to the studio where your class is supposed to be ending right now. I can't help my curiosity when I hear music coming from the room. It's not like the music we dance to, it's .. Salsa?
I peek through the doorcrack and frown when I see what's going on. There you are, in the arms of an unknown man, showing off a ridiculously complex salsa routine. I must say, you are kind of kicking ass at it. You're not only my favourite teacher because you're always looking out for your dancers, making sure they're okay and that everyone gets the steps. It's also because I could just keep watching you dance for hours and hours. The way you move, so gracefully .. I can only dream of ever being that good.
I watch you dance for a minute or two, and suddenly you look up, and look right into my eyes. You don't miss a single step, you just keep you're eyes locked to mine while you finish the last part of your routine, and a small smile forms on your face. You tell your dance partner that he is doing great, and you walk up to me.
I smile sheepishly when I realise I'm still hiding behind the door. You swing the door open, take me by the hand and pull me inside, before closing the door behind me.
"There have been complains about my music being too loud" you explain, as you let go of me. I look around me, the faces that are watching me are all a bit older. Well, minimum 40 or so. You look up at your class. "See you next week, guys. Don't forget to sway those hips"
As the people leave, you turn to me. "Why didn't you just come in? I could've taught you some salsaaa"
I look down and shrug. "Didn't want to interrupt" I mumble.
You frown, but decide not to ask further questions. After all, I'm here to dance. You wait until the last person has left, and you walk over to the stereo.
"So, the chorus, huh?"
I nod "Yeah"
"Let's just start with that, then, okay?"
"Okay" it almost comes out as a whisper. I hate that I'm feeling so nervous, because you are the sweetest person on earth and I don't want you to think I don't like you, because I do. But I guess I can be proud of myself for even showing up. After 5 cups of coffee, and an even longer speech from Quinn, she shoved me out of the door in my pyjamas, throwing my gym bag after me. I had banged on the door until she peeked through the little hole that we use to see who is - well, banging on our door.
"Are you seriously making me take off my clothes in the middle of the hallway?" I had asked her. After a moment of hesitance, she opened the door on the one condition that I would change as fast as I could and that I would go straight to the extra dance class when I was ready. I wasn't able to convince her to come with me, but after a lot of whining she agreed to drop me off. I just hope she doesn't forget to pick me up later.
I hear the song start to play and I look at you. You noticed I was zoning out, I don't know if you've called my name, but I wasn't ignoring you, I swear.
You're counting the first steps and you tell me to start dancing right before the chorus starts. You're looking at me, waiting. I tap my foot on the rythm of the music, and you give me an encouraging smile. When the chorus starts, you nod at me. I follow the routine quite well, but when I have to do that one difficult move, I miss my step again and I trip over my own feet. I expected to hear you sigh, but you don't. I stare at myself in the mirror, the music continues to play. I stand still for a moment. You place your hand on my arm and I flinch, but don't brush it off.
"You're scared, aren't you?"
You don't ask me like you're looking down on me for this. You don't say it because you're disappointed. You sound concerned. You are concerned. I can see it in your eyes, the way your eyebrows frown just a little bit.
"Santana?" your voice is soft and calming.
I nod, slightly. Just enough so you can notice. "I-I can do it .. When I'm alone" I whisper. You let go of me, jog to the stereo and turn off the music.
"What are you scared of?" you ask me. "Just dancing in front of people?"
I nod again, this time I look up at you. "Everybody will be watching me" I whisper "What if I screw up..?"
"You won't" you say, walking up to me again. "But you have to believe in yourself, Santana. If you keep thinking you're gonna fail, you will. I am 100% sure of that."
I look down, and you realise this maybe isn't the right way. You're usually pretty good at peptalks, at least you think you are, but you know in this case it's not going to work.
You bite your lip, you look like you're trying to think of something. "I have an idea" you say. "You're scared of dancing in front of people, which means you are probably-" you pick up your phone and swipe through your playlists. "-also scared of dancing in front of me."
I furrow my eyebrows a bit. Am I? Is she going to make me dance for her? Or for the whole group? Please don't say I have to do that ..
"Don't worry" you chuckle, noticing the horrified expression on my face. "I'm not going to make you dance for me"
I feel my shoulders drop a bit in relief. Okay.
"Instead-" you say, you tap on your phone and a second later I hear the first notes of a song playing. "-you are going to dance with me."
I want to protest, ask you if you really think that's a good idea, but you have already taken my hand in yours.
"I've done this before, it will help, I promise."
Take my hand, take a breath. Pull me close, and take one step.
Your left hand rests lightly on my waist, your other hand is wrapped in mine. I feel my heart race as you pull me closer to you, our bodies only a few inches apart. You look down at me and smile, I see you count one, two, and you take a step back.
Won't you promise me, that you'll never forget. We'll keep dancing, wherever we go next.
You lead me around the room, softly pulling me with you. You notice I'm not comfortable, but you keep going anyway. I watch us in the reflection of the mirror, and earn a smile when you catch my eyes. I miss a step but you hold me up. You won't let me fall. You know, eventually, this will help. If I trust you, if I trust the music, maybe I will start trusting myself. You lean in closer for a second, just long enough for me to feel your breathing in my neck, and hear your words by my ear.
"Close your eyes"
I look up at you, a frown on my face, non-understanding look in my eyes. I slowly shake my head. Right, left, then right.
You twirl me around and catch me in your arms. You stop dancing, you hold still, resting your hands on my shoulders. You look down at me, and wait for me to tilt my head up.
"Santana,"
And with every step together, we just keep on getting better ..
I nervously nibble on my lip, trying to avoid your gaze.
So can I have this dance..
Can I have this, dance ..?
You remove your hands from my shoulders. "Sit down" you tell me.
I slowly do as you say, I cross my legs beneath me and cautiously watch you as you walk over to me. You turned off the music, and I suddenly hear myself breathing heavily. My heart is thumping loudly, it feels like it's about to jump out of my chest.
You sit down across from me, and hint a little smile. You lie down on your back and sign for me to do the same, I follow your lead.
"You're too tensed" you state. "If you want to become a good dancer, you have to be one with the music, but more important, you have to one with your body. You don't trust yourself, so you fall."
You turn your head to face me, and I do the same. The floor feels cold when it hits my warm, blushing cheek. But it feels nice, I need to cool down.
You look in my eyes. "Why don't you trust yourself?"
I turn my head again and stare at the ceiling, clenching my jaws tightly.
You don't say anything, you know I'll talk when I want to. You're giving me time. I bite my lip and lift my shoulders, as far as I can while laying on the floor.
"I don't know" I mumble.
My voice sounds raspy and sore, I should drink some water, but I don't want to get up now.
"Okay.. " you breathe out. It's quiet, you're probably trying to think of how to deal with me right now. I start feeling bad, I don't want you to have to deal with all of my crap. I'm a complex person, even I haven't succeeded in figuring me out. You shouldn't have to worry about me. Maybe I should just leave.
"Santana?"
I gulp, and slowly turn to look at you.
"Just start by taking a deep breath"
I frown, thinking I might've missed something. Were you talking while I was lost in thoughts? I decide to just do what you say, I take a breath.
"No" you say. "A deep breath. Fill your lungs with as much air as you can, hold it, and then try to release all of it again, slowly."
I take in a deep breath, like you said. I feel my chest rise up, I hold it for a second or two, and then let the air flood out of my lungs. You tell me to repeat this a few times, so I do. With every time I breathe out, I feel the tension flowing away just a bit more.
"Good," you smile at me. "Now try relaxing your body completely. Every muscle. You shoulders, your back, your legs .. You're just a weak puppet now"
I close my eyes and do what you told me. Only now I realise how tensed I actually was. It takes me a moment to do this, but eventually, I think I managed to become a puppet.
I can hear you scrambling up and I open my eyes. You reach your hand out to me. "Okay?"
I give you a soft smile. "Okay .." I breathe. I take your hand and let you pull me up. When I'm steady on my feet, you give my hand a little squeeze, before letting go.
"Let's try this again, okay?"
I nod softly. I love how patient you are with me. Mr. Chang, the instructor of another dance class I take, is certainly also nice, but he would never do this for me. At least I think he wouldn't. He's a good guy though, and his moves are just ridiculous. But you're just .. so gentle. He's a little bit more distant. Maybe it's because he's Asian.
You notice I'm daydreaming again, and you call me out of my thoughts. I look up at you and smile sheepishly. You hint a smile.
"What were you thinking about?"
"Oh" I shrug "Nothing.."
You chuckle lightly and you walk closer to me. "You seem like you always have a lot on your mind"
"Oh, yeah .. Sorry"
"You don't have to apologise for it" you smile. "I think it makes you interesting"
I frown and fiddle with my hands. "You do?" I ask, looking up at you.
You give me a little nod and a smile back, before walking over to the stereo again. "You know, I think this is the first time I have really had a decent conversation with you" you say, a hint of a smile in your voice.
You turn around and slightly bite your lip. "I like it"
"Oh" my throat is still dry, so my voice sounds a little raspy. "Thanks"
You let out a little laugh. "So, let's try again"
You take my hand and hold me in the same position as before. Only, this time, I feel a bit more comfortable. You're not pushing me to anything. But I guess my movements were still a bit shaky, because you tell me to relax again.
"Try closing your eyes, okay? You're safe, don't let anything distract you"
I look up at you, still not exactly convinced.
You hint a smile "Look, I'm here, I won't let you fall, I promise. If you feel uneasy, you can always just open them. It's not like I'm blindfolding you or something" You chuckle lightly and I can't help the small grin spreading across my face when the first word that comes to my mind is wanky.
I nod softly. "Okay"
"Okay?"
I smile shyly "Yeah"
I close my eyes, slowly, slightly biting my lip. I can hear the music echoing through the room. You hold me a bit closer, so I'm pressed up against you. But I don't mind you invading my personal space right now. I can feel your steady heartbeat against my chest, my heart is probably racing. At first it feels a bit awkward, but then you start swaying back and forth, and after a while we are really dancing around the room, and I don't even think about the fact that my eyes are closed and I can't see where my feet are going anymore.
I get so caught up in your moves and the way you twirl me around that I didn't notice we're already halfway through a second song until you stand still.
You're smiling at me, I know you are. You can now proudly say that, yet again, you succeeded into using your genius mind for teaching purposes. I open my right eye and look up in yours.
I was right, your lips are curled into a grin.
"Do you trust me now?"
I blink. Do I? I'm not sure. The only thing I know is that my heart is beating rapidly, but it's not because I'm scared. It's not because I had to dance with you, or that I was anxious to screw up.
But you're still holding me, I'm still in your arms. And you're so awfully close.
I blink again, and escape from your grip. I nod. "I guess.."
I'm not lying, really. I actually feel more comfortable with you. Okay, maybe I don't magically trust you with my life, but I know I could. You promised you wouldn't let me fall, and you didn't.
"Well, that's one step already"
I hint a small smile, you smile back, and suddenly your head snaps up.
"Oh god"
I look up at you with a frown. "What, um, what's wrong?"
You shake your head, and look back from the clock to me. "It's almost six o'clock already. I have to meet my friends in 30 minutes."
"Oh"
You head to the stereo and plug out your phone, meanwhile another song had started playing. "I'm sorry, Santana. I really lost track off time."
"It's okay" I mumble. It's not that I'm angry now, really. I'm maybe just a bit .. Disappointed? I don't know why, but suddenly I feel sad that our time together is over already. On Monday I'll be just another dancer again. I'll probably fail the routine, and find an excuse to skip the show, like I did last year. The year before it was mr. Chang who teached us the choreography for the show, he prepared us for it. He never noticed when I felt insecure, or he just never acted on it.
I don't think that I could convince ms Pierce that I got the flu from my roommate the day before the show. Especially because my roommate would show up completely healthy, not even knowing about my sickness.
"Santana? Do you need me to drive you home or something? It's kind of getting dark"
I frown "Um, no .. It's only a ten minute walk. Five minutes if I hurry"
You smile at me and swing your bag over your right shoulder. "I'm sorry that I don't have that much time today, we didn't really get to do what we had planned on."
"It's fine" I reply, walking with you to the front door of the building.
"It's not" You push the door open. "I'm going to mentor you until you're so confident that you could walk up to that stage, all alone, and dance like you've never danced before. You won't be scared of performing anymore, and you won't have to make up excuses anymore to avoid shows."
I gasp a bit and frown at you "How .. huh?"
Your lips curl into a grin and you shake your head. "Mike Chang told me about the flu thing last year" you chuckle. "Don't even think about trying something like that on me"
You wink at me and I shyly look down. "I .. I wasn't planning to" I murmur.
"Well, awesome" you smile. "I have to go now, or I'm going to be late."
I nod "Okay"
"Unless, you wanna join me? I'm meeting up with some friends, mostly from the studio. We're just going to a pita bar or something, Mike Chang, Tina, Rachel and Kurt will be there too. You know them, right?"
I gulp, and nod again. Mike Chang is mr. Chang, the other instructor. Tina, Rachel and Kurt are in the same dance class as me. They're friendly, Rachel can annoy me a bit sometimes, but she's actually really nice to me. I don't talk a lot to Kurt, but I guess Tina and I are sort of friends. She's really sweet and she always tells me I look good when I know I look like I've slep three hours and just crawled out of bed.
I like them, but going out to dinner with them? I barely talk to them in class.. And what if they don't even want me to come? I'm not even sure if they like me.. It would probably be a night of awkward silences and nervous smiles and those are things I simply cannot handle, especially with people I don't know that well.
I look up at you, you're watching me questionly.
"I uh, I know them, yeah.."
You smile at me. "So you'll come with?"
I frown and nibble on my lip "Um, no .. It's uh, Quinn and I have .. Saturday movie night.." I say, nodding my head.
I give you an apologising smile and shrug my shoulders lightly. "She's probably .. waiting for me. She's, um, kind of impatient. I should go" I say quickly. I turn around and take a step or two before you grab my arm and spin me around.
You smile softly. "It was just an invitation, Santana."
I force a smile back "I know"
You chuckle lightly "Now, go home and have your movie night"
"Oh, yeah.." I mumble.
"I'll see you on Monday, Santana"
"Uhuh"
"Bye" you smile brightly, before turning around and walking over to your car. I watch you get in and a small smile forms on my lips when you wave at me through the window.
I wave back shyly and hear your engine start. You glance at me one more time, a warm smile on your face. A raindrop wets my nose as I watch you drive away. I wipe it off and look up at the sky.
It's starting to rain again.
Thoughts?
Songs are Flawless by Beyoncé and Can I have this dance from High School Musical
