Story name: Dark Pasts
Author: TwilightLovarr
Rated: T
Warnings: it's unbetaed so be warned
Disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight Saga
Main characters: Jasper and Rosalie
Summary: Jasper is thinking about his past and thinks of himself in a very negative way. He and Rosalie talk about their pasts and Rosalie tells him how she has moved on.
I think Jasper and Rosalie share a very strong bond because of their pasts and I think they're closer to each other then to anybody else - except for their soulmates of course.
Enjoy!
I was on the roof of the house. My knees were under my chin and my arms were wrapped around my legs. I looked into the distance. It was a dark day today. There was no sun, there was no blue sky. It was going to rain soon. I could feel happiness radiating from my family members. They were in the living room together; Carlisle, Esme, Renesmee, Jacob, Bella, Edward, Emmett, Rosalie and my wife Alice. They were happy and laughing together. I didn't wanted to be with them. I didn't wanted to be one of them. I didn't fit in. I didn't belong here. My place wasn't here, my only reason of staying here is Alice.
I closed my eyes and remembered why I was doomed to be a vampire. Maria changed me but at the same time she destroyed me. She made me who I am now. A weak, murderer who is struggling with his bloodlust for centuries now. My scars were the proof. I saw the look on Bella's face when she saw me the first time with her new eyes. She was a little bit scared and shocked. I didn't had to have my ability to know it. I saw it with my own eyes.
It was so unfair. So damn unfair. Bella had no problem with resisting her bloodlust, it hurts like crazy to know that. To know that I still have to struggle with my bloodlust while Bella can be around human without any problems. It was unfair. Why do I always have to be the weakest link? Why couldn't I be for once the strong one? Everyone can control their bloodlust, Carlisle - excluding changing humans into vampires - and Rosalie didn't even taste once human blood!
I swallowed at the thought of how many humans I had killed for their blood. I even almost killed Bella once... If nobody was there to stop me, she would be dead now. Edward would go to the Volturi to kill himself and everyone would be disappointed in me. Even Alice.
The thought of Alice made me wince. She deserved much better than me. Someone who was strong and could be with her around humans, as normal "people". Oh, my dear Alice was the only reason I didn't left. If Alice didn't wanted to be here, if Alice didn't belonged to be here, I would've left a long time ago. Someone like me, who did horrible things in the past, doesn't deserve to be in a loving family.
I tried to keep my emotions under control; I didn't wanted them to know about my true feelings. It would only hurt them, it would hurt Alice. They would try to help me, to fix me, but I was utterly broken. I would never heal completely, my scars would never heal completely. I was a mess.
'Jasper?'
I opened my eyes to see Rosalie coming on the roof. Rose was my favorite person in the house - after Alice of course. We shared a difficult past, we shared an impossible pain. Her fateful night still haunts her, my killings still haunts me. Rose was the only one I could talk to, but even she couldn't heal me anymore.
'Hi, Rose,' I whispered.
She immediately knew why I sat on the roof in the darkness. 'Oh, Jasper,' she sighed and sat down next to me, wrapping one arm around me. 'I know how you feel,' she whispered.
'It hurts, Rose,' I wailed. 'The pain doesn't want to go away.'
'I know,' Rosalie whispered. 'I know it hurts.'
We sat there for a while. Even if she wasn't my biological sister, it felt like she was. We always pretended to be twins when we moved to other places, but it felt like we really were. I was closer to Rosalie then to the others. I knew she felt the same way. The only person she loved more than anything in the world was her soul mate Emmett, like mine was Alice.
'Will it ever stop Rosalie?' I asked, feeling like a little kid.
Rosalie pursed her lips. 'I don't know,' she finally said. 'After I found Emmett, the pain has got less,' she said. 'After my change I was damaged, broken. Emmett has succeed to heal me in more than one way. And with Nessie around... She is the closest thing to a daughter or son I will ever get. I got stronger over the years, and I know I will only get stronger and stronger. But will I ever be completely healed?' she shrugged. 'I don't know. The pain will always be there.'
'Do you think I will heal?' I asked, still feeling like a little kid.
Rosalie smiled slightly at me and nodded. 'Yes,' she said and brushed one of my curls out of my face. 'Yes, I think that you'll heal,' she whispered, looking me in the eye. 'You won't heal from the outside, but you can from the inside. If there's hope for me, then there will always be hope for you.'
'But my scars,' I wailed, nearly sobbed.
'Jazz, you're scars will always be there, always,' she said quietly. 'But they don't have to be bad.' I frowned but she shook her head as sign to let her continue. 'Yes, you may have killed people, but I've killed people too.'
'You can't call those bastards people, Rose,' I argued immediately.
She shook her head. 'I know,' she admitted. 'But anyways, they're the proof of how strong you are. You survived battle after battle. You are such an amazing and strong person, Jasper,' she whispered.
'I may be physically strong, but mentally I'm broken,' I stated quietly.
'You're traumatized,' Rosalie said softly. 'But that doesn't mean you're weak. I was traumatized too, maybe I still am. You know my story, Jasper, you know how hard it was for me to move on after what happened. After my change I was depressed and broken. I felt betrayed and awful. It was the most awful time of my life,' Rosalie sighed. 'My point is, we all have our ups and downs. I fell from the mountain, but I'm trying to climb back again. I'm not sure if I will ever reach the top again, but I'm close.'
'I'm not even close to the top,' I murmured, looking down to my knees.
'You're closer then you think you are,' Rosalie said as she pulled me closer. 'Please Jazz, don't think too low of yourself. Don't be sad. You will overcome your pain, like I did. It will take time, but we have forever,' she reminded me.
'Forever sounds terrible,' I swallowed. 'I don't want to be forever in this pain.'
'You won't, Jazz,' Rosalie reassured me. 'Forever is a long time, but when you overcome your problems and pain, it won't be enough. I mean, think about it, we all have our soul mates, a wonderful niece and a loving family.' I winced. 'Jazz? What's wrong?' Rose asked worried.
I looked away from her and closed my eyes as I spoke: 'I don't belong here, Rose. If it wasn't for Alice, I would've left a long time ago.'
My sister gasped. 'You don't mean that, Jasper,' she said quietly. 'I know you don't.'
'It's true!' I started to sob as I laid my head on my knees. 'I don't belong here. I'm the weakest link, I don't fit in here. I mean, look at Bella, she has never attacked a human, she has never killed anyone. She had never problems with controlling her bloodlust. Even when Charlie came to visit her in her newborn year, she didn't attack him.'
'Bella was prepared, Jazz,' Rose replied quietly. 'You weren't, we weren't.'
'I wasn't even dying,' I whispered, calming down a little bit. 'It's all Maria's fault.'
'Yes, it is,' Rosalie nodded. 'But blaming another person won't make the pain go away,' my head shot up. 'Even if it is his or hers fault,' Rosalie continued. 'Blaming Royce and his friends wasn't the solution for my pain,' I felt a wave of pain coming from her. Royce was a sensitive subject for her. It was my turn to wrap my arm around her.
'Hey, it's okay,' I whispered as I kissed her on her temple. 'I know it hurts,' I repeated her words from before. 'I know it hurts.'
We sat there together for a while, grieving silently in our pain. Rose and I shared a bond nobody in the house understood. Even not Emmett or Alice. We were best friends. We were twins. We shared a difficult past. We shared the same pain. We were doomed into this life. We would always share our secrets and problems as we tried to pull each other to the top of the mountain.
I think it's sad but for some reason I wanted to write something like this. I would love to hear your opinion about it.
I hope you liked it!
Thank you.
