I had zero spoilers going into Frenemies. I have zero spoilers going forward from this episode. But this head canon came to me and as usual, I had to write it down before I forgot. Also Kristen made me. (And by made me, I mean let me ramble until I talked myself into writing this.
Watching her walk out that door was probably one of the most painful things I've ever experienced. To be honest, in that moment, it hurt more than what Finn did in that hallway, because he did it out of ignorance. Rachel did this out of distrust and spite.
Living with Rachel Berry can teach a girl a lot of things. How to make a nightly routine last longer than a four course dinner, for example. How to make ANY and all conversations be a basis for a musical number. And how utterly ruthless you have to be to make it in the Broadway world. I don't think she realizes that after all the ranting she did in high school, I've learned to actually cut through the bullshit rambling and pick up on the key notes. If I hadn't, I think my ears would have bled long ago. But I digress. It's so much easier to cut her down, make fun of her like we always did.
But I thought she knew how much I'd changed.
A star doesn't need an understudy. A star always shows up on time. A star knows her lines, knows her movements, knows precisely how to act in all situations, thereby never needing to be removed from the stage because of anything so trivial as needing a break. A star never, ever gets sick. Nothing in a star's life could ever, would ever, mean not being there at curtain time.
An understudy wants the star's job. An understudy will poison the food. An understudy will poison the drinks. An understudy will trip the star. An understudy will do anything and everything to get a chance to be on the STAR's stage as much as possible. An understudy probably spends every night lighting candles and poking voodoo dolls and beseeching every known supernatural being for the star to fail (no seriously, that last one was a direct quote from one of my favorite Rachel Berry rant).
And yet, an understudy is a necessary evil.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not a martyr. I know that even an understudy gets paid better than a waitress does. And even an understudy gets more exposure to producers, directors, press, and other aspects of the show business industry than a waitress singing at a performing diner.
But I thought this could work.
I thought Rachel understood that I would never wish for her to be sick. I would never wish bad things to happen to her ever again. Not after high school. Not after Finn. Not after she gave me a place to stay when I'd lost everything.
A good understudy goes on when the star has been kept up until 4 am at a casting party, followed by a 7 am press junket, no matter the migraine she has. A good understudy runs lines in the star's place with the idiot leading man who simply can NOT learn them, even after performing repeatedly. A good understudy knows the nuances of every aspect of the star's part so that if something goes awry, she can step in, smooth things over, and let the star simply go on being the star.
At least, that's what I was thinking when I did it.
I just wish she'd understand.
Doesn't she know just how much I want to watch her shine?
But for now, I watch the pieces of our picture drift to the floor. And I realize that I won't get to bask in the warm glow of her radiance. Instead, I'll be burned by every touch, every glare, and every moment I spend looking at the star of Lima.
I didn't care if I was in her shadow. I just wanted some of her light.
