I don't any of the characters, blablabla. Don't worry, for those with rudey-dudey minds I don't want to write anything that goes above a 7/8 on the snogging scale.
Chapter 1- Rollerskating Herr Kamyer Style
Saturday, June 18th
8.05am
What is it with my bed? I tell you what it is…its MINE that's what it is.
Libby and her 'fwends' are 'snogglin' in my bed. Our Transvestite Lord Sandra has been re-adopted and is wearing an alarming amount of fake tan.
"Libby, this is my bed," I moaned whilst being stabbed by Scuba-diving Barbie's arms. Libby smiled what she though was a sweet smile (which actually made her look like an axe murderer, but I am too full of niciosity to mention it).
"It's a naaa-iiice bed,"
"But it's my bed,"
"I lobe you Gingie,"
Sometimes she can be full of so full of cutiosity.
"I love you to Libby but-"
"Mr. Nonion lobe you,"
Suddenly a stinking onion was thrusted into my face.
"Libby!"
"Bad boy! He's your boyfwend!"
1 Minute Later
I have an onion as a boyfriend.
10.00am
Phone Rang.
My dear Vati shouted "Georgia, it's an emergency! One of your friends has broken a nail," and he and Uncle Eddie laughed like loons on loon tablets.
"Bonsoir" I answered.
"Nein, Guten tag," Rosie answered. The Ace Gang were doing their impression of sardines on a phone i.e. in a telephone box.
"We are haben ein Mad German Roller-skating party, im der Park,"
I could hear Sven shouting 'Ya!" in the background or something in Reindeer.
"Was?"
"Gehen to der Park mit your Roller-Skates,"
"And it's German because…?"
"We pretend we are Herr Kamyer on skates,"
10minutes later
I have decided to wear minimal make up to enhance my natural beauty
(o-er!). So I'm only wearing Foundation, Concealer, Lip gloss (strawberry flavour), a dash of eyeliner and some mascara. And some sparkly green eye shadow to show that I have funosity but not enough to say "I am a tart," Otherwise some Park-Elvis's might hear the Horn…
1 minute later
Ewww…
Gehen to der Park
Midday
Blimey O'reily Trousers. I've fell over about 20 times and I'm not out of the street yet. This roller skating is harder than it looks.
Im der Park
1.00 pm
Jas, Ro-ro, Ellen and Sven were waiting for me on a bench.
Sven was wearing lederhosen.
"Guten Tag" Ro-ro said.
"Nein, Guten Morgen," I said.
"So…er…like…you know…what do we do now?" Dither-Queen Ellen said.
"We gehen down das," Rosie pointed to a hill.
I thought Ellen would have the Spas attack to end all Spas attacks.
This is the Herr Kamyer bit.
5 minutes later
Some how I ended up on the hill. If I need to get carted home in a wheel barrow again I may kill myself. Especially if Mum insists we see Dr. Clooney. Still, suicide will end all my luuurve trouble.
1 minute later
Oh God. Dave the Laugh popped out of nowhere. Ellen manage to top her earlier Spas attack. She still Luuurves him. She has no pridenosity.
Jas doing that annoying look-at-Georgia-look-at-Dave thing. Shut up Big-Knickers.
1 minute later
At least she has extra bum-padding for when she falls over.
Oh GoddyGodGod.
4 minutes later
Rosie raced down the hill screaming "Gott im Himmel!!" then bowed at the end. Sven hit his head on a tree as he went down. Jassy-Spazzy tumbled down like a tumbler on tumble tablets.
Ellen stood at the top erring and umming until Dave the Laugh took her roller skates and took a go. It was full of hilariousity watching him fall down the hill in pink roller skates singing 'the hills are alive with the sound of PANTS!"
But now it's my turn
5 minute later
Owwwie owwie. I'm in aggers. I knew this would happen to me… I must have a watsit- sixth sight. I can't stand because I hurt my back. Owwwie.
1 minute later
Because my 'friends' are too full of selfosity to stop skating and care and to avoid the inevitable Dr. Clooney visit, Dave the Laugh has said his house is around the corner and I could rest there.
"Or alternatively you could stay the night,"
But I think he was just joking.
At Dave the L's House
1.20pm
Dave the Laugh's house is actually quite nice- very sophis and but too fussy. For instance there are these dinky china vases. They wouldn't last five minutes with cross-eyed Gordy around and Angus.
It was very very funny with knobs on seeing Dave in such a tidy place.
1.22pm
Ah! This is more like it! Dave's bedroom is in absolute chaos. Looks like Angus, Naomi and Cross-eyed Gordy had a cat party in here.
"Kittykat, you can lie on the bed- nothing rudey-dudey about it of course," he smirked, "I'll get some drinks,"
O-er, I better not tell Radio Jas this otherwise I may be accused of red-bottomed minxiness…although any fule can see I'm blatantly, not. I hurt my back!
5 minutes later
Drinking cola on your stomach is not the most easy thing to do and I ended up with half choking and half drinking through my nose. Not very attractive indeed.
My Back aches like Billy-o. But because I am a sparkling gem and never moan I just said, "Owwie Owwie, my back hurts like Billy-o,"
"You sound like your sixty or something," Dave the Laugh said. Then he went all quiet and just I was thinking, oh no, here comes Dave the Unlaugh when he suddenly said, "Take your top off,"
"What!!" I exclaimed, out of shockonosity. He has a one track mind.
He laughed, he really has a groovy laugh…shutupshutupshutup, I am taking my red-bottom in a firm hand and girding my loins and so forth.
"You have a very rudey-dudey mind, Kittykat," he shook his head in that patronising way Hawk-eye does when I 'annoy' Elvis, "I meant I'm going to give you a massage,"
I just raised my eyebrows and said in a caring way, "Yeah, right"
"My mum does massaging and she taught me…no Gee I'm not on the turn, think of all the girls wanting massages…"
"Cosmic Horn again Dave? It's getting really serious,"
"Do you want the massage or not?"
"Turn around then,"
"We're all friends here,"
"Turn around!"
Dave turned around and I took my top off. I'm glad I remembered to put my over the shoulder-boulder-holder on.
"DAVE!" I yelled when I caught him taking a sneaky peak.
"Okay! Okay!"
I lay on the bed (stomach down obviously) while he went to get massage oils.
10 minutes later
Hmmm. This really relaxing, Dave is actually quite good at massages. And because I am such a brilliant person full of niciosity I told him so.
"I thought you were lying about you being good at massages,"
"Never trust a gift horse if you don't know what's inside it,"
What in the name of Mr. Next-door over sized shorts is he on about?
"I know all the parts of the foot for reflexology as well,"
He took my sock off my left foot.
"This bits the solar plexus, this toe is connected to the ear,"
"How is my tow connected to my ear?"
"I only give hornmeister advice, not body-answers"
True.
"And this bit, Kittykat, is the most import bit of all," he said poking the centre of my foot, "It is the tickle spot!" and he mercilessly tickled my foot.
"Ahhh Dave Gerrof!" I screamed, kicking him in the face.
"Ouch!" he moaned, rubbing his mouth, "I may need some heavy snogging to make me feel better after that,"
"Not on your Nelly," I said, "More massaging,"
"You've changed your tune," Dave said, resuming the massage, "I may start charging,"
5 minutes later
I feel reading to pop in for a visit at boboland.
It's making me soooo sleepy.
NO! I must stay awake because sleeping over a Dave's would immediately be on International Radio Jas airwaves.
It's only Dave's occasional sly drifting towards my nunga nungas which is keep my alert…he's going to have so many bruises in the morning.
Phoar, taking a look up at him he is really gorgey…all focused and caring. Why can't I stop chasing Masimo and stop pretending to not hear the call of the Horn from Dave and go out with Dave? Why can't I- ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Well what do you think? I've tried to get the Georgisms as close as I can to what Louise Rennison writes them so please appreciate the fact I had all the books open at the glossaries around me. Oo
Anyone know whether the Angus, Thong & Full frontal Snogging film that is apparently being released this summer is going to be realeased in England?
More to come. xx
