Running from room to room, I searched desperately for any sign. He has to be hiding, this has to be a joke , I insisted as I threw open the door to Duncan's room, scanned the area and slammed it shut.
"This is NOT FUNNY ALISTAIR!" I shouted, the waver in my voice echoing off the stone walls. Looking right then left, I darted down the hall toward the training yard.
I burst through the double doors leading to the outside, my eyes roving over every inch of the yard. Nothing, no one, the entire Estate is deserted? How is it possible that everyone is just gone? Panic rose like bile into the back of my throat. I tried to swallow it down and yelled out my plea once more.
"ALISTAIR! Where are you?"
"Kora!"
I shot upright, blocking the hands I felt grasping at my arms and grabbing slim shoulders, rolling my attacker over my body and onto their back, pinning them. Sweat ran into my eyes, blurring my vision as I heaved ragged breaths of air into my lungs.
"Your Grace," a small, calm voice floated through the fog to my ears. "Please, Your Grace, you are safe."
Squeezing my eyes shut, I shook my head to clear the cobwebs. What the hell is going on? I thought, slowing my breath, trying to calm down.
"Who…?" I was still unable to see clearly but unwilling to release the unknown assailant.
"May, Your Grace," she whispered, her voice soft and familiar. "It's May and you are safe. I promise." Realization hit me as my arms began shaking. It's May, you're home, he's… Unwilling to complete that thought, I released her and sat back on my heels, rubbing vigorously at my eyes to clear them. I felt hands on mine, gently prying them away from my face.
"I'll get a cloth, don't do that. Just wait," she tenderly chastised as she jumped off the bed and rushed into the adjoining water closet. Coming back out with a damp cloth, she held it out to me and I took it with a grateful but contrite smile.
"Thank you," I breathed out as I held it over my eyes. When the stinging stopped I wiped the rest of my face and sighed. Terrified of the answer, I refused to look her in the eye when I asked. "How loud was I?"
"Duncan still sleeps, Your Grace." My eyes shot to hers, looking for well meaning deceit but there was none. I sighed with relief and shook my head.
"Shit May, I don't know how much longer I can keep this up." A different kind of stinging in the back of my eyes told me the tears were not going to be kept at bay any longer. "I can't take it," I whimpered. "I want him back!"
Slender arms wrapped around me from behind as I felt a motherly kiss followed by her cheek resting on the top of my head. Tears fell from my eyes and rolled down my cheeks in never-ending waves.
"I know." Her voice sounded as defeated as my own. "His absence is felt, everyone in Denerim feels it." She released me and moved to sit on the bed in front of me, taking my hands in hers. "But you feel it most of all. We are all here for you, whatever you need." I saw the sadness and raw heartache in her eyes. I cannot lay this burden at her feet. Switching to Arlessa mode I nodded, wiped the tears from my face and steeled myself with a steadying breath.
"Thank you, May. Please thank everyone for me for their hard work and dedication, for their steadfast devotion and support." Releasing her hands, I stood up and smoothed the wrinkles in my nightgown. "For now, the best thing we can all do is keep ourselves together and pray to the Maker and the Elven Gods for his safe return." I slipped my mask into place and smiled demurely.
"Let's get this day started."
XXXXXXXXXX
"Send a bird the moment you get upstairs," I instructed sternly. "Let them know that I will make arrangements to meet with her in Val Royeaux early next week. And Galen…" The balding man nodded his head expectantly. I lowered my voice to avoid embarrassing him in front of other staff but maintained the steel in my tone.
"This should have been addressed days ago. Ensure this lapse does not happen again." I glared at him, ensuring he understood the seriousness of such mistakes. Luckily for him he had the decency to appear ashamed and bowed before rushing from the room.
I sighed, frustrated that I was put in the uncomfortable position of, once again, appearing to put off a summons from Divine Justinia herself. I looked down at my desk and grabbed the first letter in the stack of correspondence Galen had just dropped off.
"What can I do?" I heard May's voice from the doorway. Without looking up I responded.
"Make arrangements for me to travel to Val Royeaux to see the Divine, an arrival on the second day of next week would be best." I stopped reading the letter in my hand and thought carefully on what other things would need attending to prepare. "I'll need someone to pack for me and I'll need to figure out what to do with Duncan."
"I could speak with the Crown's staff," she offered, "perhaps a few days with his uncle would be good for him." The mention of Cailan brought a mess of conflicting emotions to the surface and my eyes snapped up to meet hers. Cailan had been relentless in his search for his brother, angry that he just took off without saying a word. He even went so far as to verbally attack his departing, to which Kora exploded, driving a wedge between the two that had yet to be removed.
May dropped her eyes and wrung her hands together nervously, obviously picking up on my turmoil. "If you would prefer, I could make arrangements for him to travel with you…"
"No, May," I held up a hand to stop her and swallowed down the bile threatening to rise. "You… you have a point." I took a deep breath and pulled the simmering emotions back, shoving them down deep to allow logic through. "He would do well with a male influence for a bit… but I will speak with the King myself." I looked at the wall with Cailan's portrait, his deep blue eyes smiling back at me forced a corner of my lips to raise ever so slightly.
"It's time." She nodded.
"I'll get your carriage ready immediately."
XXXXXXXXXX
There were people coming out of every building to see the Arlessa's carriage roaming the streets of Denerim again. Has it really been that long since I've been out? I thought as I smiled and waved to one and all in passing. Some were overjoyed, weeping and tossing flowers. Others just seemed relieved. Probably thought I was dead the way gossip gets twisted. I smirked to myself, keeping my mask on and continuing to wave to the crowds.
The carriage pulled up in front of the palace, my driver climbing down to open the door for me. The guards opened the double doors and greeted me as I nodded and went inside. Cailan's footman, Michel offered an arm and a genuine smile.
"Your Grace, it is wonderful to see you," he gushed as he led me up the stairs towards Cailan's office. "His majesty is meeting with a representative from Orlais but said you were more than welcome to interrupt. Shall I take you there or would you prefer…" I grinned wickedly and winked at the sweet young man.
"I love annoying Orlais, let's interrupt." He sputtered out a laugh that he quickly stifled and nodded, leading me on to the office.
As we neared the door I felt the strangest thing, butterflies. I was nervous and excited to see Cailan, someone who was as close to me as my own blood. Then the dread filtered in. I also avoided the man like the plague for the last, what, six months? I shook my head slightly and plastered that smile back on. Yes, he may very well still be angry but I will be damned if I will show weakness in front of some Orlesian. Michel released my arm and opened the door, gesturing inside.
"Her Grace, the Arlessa of Denerim, Your Majesty," he said with flourish. I pulled back my shoulders and strutted inside, barely glancing at the person in the guest chair and immediately locking eyes with my King. Then something strange happened.
I froze.
My lips parted slightly as I took in the sight of him. His blonde hair was cut short on the sides but left a bit long on top for styling. At the moment it was slicked back giving him an intimidating demeanor. His expression kept with the overall look, completely serious but his eyes spoke volumes. I caught a slight twinkle, one I had seen many times before and it always put me at ease.
This time was no exception.
Slipping my mask back into place, I matched his expression and curtsied.
"Your Majesty," I began, each word full of formality and respect, "I apologize for the unannounced visit. Should I return another time?" Cailan stood, giving me a full view of the deep royal blue of his suit jacket and vest against the white of his dress shirt. The gold threading throughout was in a very intricate pattern along the lapel and cuffs. He approached me, took my hand and placed a tender kiss on my knuckles. I restrained a relieved sigh and smiled politely.
"Absolutely not, Your Grace," he insisted, returning the smile. "May I introduce Chancellor Roderick." He turned to gesture at the man who nodded but did not stand.
I held back my disgust like a seasoned professional, Leliana had told me about this pompous and arrogant bastard many times. He was not well liked by one of my dearest friends so my feelings on the matter were decided.
I felt Cailan stiffen next to me, the Chancellor's disregard for common etiquette obviously agitating him. I squeezed the hand I still held reassuringly and smiled at the Chancellor.
"Yes, I am familiar with the Chancellor, Sister Leliana and I are very close," I kept my polite smile in place and gave him a quick nod, grinning inwardly as his expression soured. I then turned back to Cailan. "I have something to discuss, a family matter, if you have the time Your Majesty." Cailan sighed and clapped his hands together, giving the Chancellor an apologetic look.
"My family is a priority Chancellor, I regret we will have to continue this another time," he approached the man and held out his hand. Roderick finally stood with a flabbergasted look on his face.
"Your Majesty, this issue needs to be addressed immediately!" he insisted vehemently. "The mages that are hiding in your country are dangerous and the Chantry…" Cailan held up a hand to silence the man, a gesture one could see he thought twice about ignoring.
"Chancellor Roderick, as I told you before my Arlings and Bannorns have their citizens' best interests at heart," he explained as if to a child. Maker this man is tough to be serious around! "Please assure the Divine that I trust my people to keep things in order, if they require assistance I will hear of it and respond in kind. Now, if you will excuse us."
Cailan gestured toward the door where two of Maric's Shield appeared. The Chancellor realized he had no choice and relented, albeit it begrudgingly, and left with the heavily armed men. Michel then appeared in the doorway and winked at us, closing and locking it tight.
"For the love of Andraste!" Cailan growled, running both hands through his hair and gripping it, giving it a slight tug before dropping his arms. "That man is infuriating!" I laughed, tugging on his ear lobe like I used to his braid. His eyes shot to mine and locked, the emotion being conveyed through them taking my breath away.
Suddenly I was in his arms, my face pressed against his shoulder as he held me so tight I could barely breathe. I wrapped my arms around him, cradling his neck with one hand and holding onto his shoulder with the other. I turned my face to snuggle into his neck, breathing him in for the first time in what seemed like forever.
"Maker, I have missed you," he whispered into my hair. I felt a tear escape down my cheek as I whimpered, gripping him tighter.
As he always did, he allowed me my weakness and just held me, giving me the occasional peck on the side of my head and slowly running his hands up and down my back to soothe me. I couldn't say how long we'd stood there but by the time I let go my back was more than stiff.
"I've missed you too," I smiled, wiping away my tears. He ran a thumb along my jaw and smiled back at me but his smile turned to concern.
"How are you, really?" He'd hesitated before asking the question which I did not blame him for. I had mourned the loss of my baby daughter poorly and he was a witness to that fiasco. I looked down, giving my answer much thought before I looked back up into his eyes.
They still make me weak…
"I am… vulnerable," I admitted. "I am not happy by any means but I can function. I try desperately to hide those facts from Duncan but the boy is my son so he knows when something is wrong. It's infuriating," I sighed, "but he is the one light I have clung to this whole time.
"Caden keeps me posted as he sees fit. Hawke and the others had a few leads in Tevinter they were following up on but he had to return to Kirkwall so Caden is keeping an ear to the ground." I sighed, the thought of my over protective brother annoying me once again. "He insists on organizing the search and being in charge but between you and I…" I lean over to whisper in his ear. "Hawke sent me letters to keep me updated behind his back the entire time they were gone." I giggle, leaning back to really look at the man before me.
Being so close I could see the slight lines at the corners of his eyes had deepened. And he had bags, not dark like Cullen's but they were visible if you were close enough. His skin had tanned, most likely from spending more time outside the palace and his hair had lightened as well.
He was getting older… and it suited him.
"What?" He looked at me with an eyebrow raised. I smiled and shook my head.
"You are very handsome, Your Majesty," I admitted, turning to look away. "You look more and more like your father every day. If only we could all age so gracefully." I thought back to that morning when I almost had May order me an Orlesian mask to hide my dark circles and pasty skin. Ugh, I look like the undead. I brought a hand to my cheek and Cailan swiftly took it into his.
"You are always beautiful in my eyes," he spoke softly into my ear, prompting me to turn and face him. The intensity in his eyes made me feel…
Duncan, you came here about your son.
"Sorry," I coughed, relieved I could change the subject. "I almost forgot. I need to leave Duncan with you for a few weeks. The Divine has requested my presence and I have put her off once already. I can't keep doing it, especially with Leliana breathing down my neck." We smiled, both knowing the beautiful rogue well enough to realize there was no saying no to her. "So would that be alright with you?" Cailan laughed.
"Of course, I would love to have Duncan around." His smile was one of pure joy and it melted every last bit of ice that had taken over my heart, warming me to my very soul. I took a cleansing breath and sighed with great relief.
Alistair was gone, no one knew where or why, and I had struggled with those facts for months on my own. But, in that moment I realized that even if he never returned, I knew deep down as long as I had the people that I love near me…
I will be alright.
