Rosemary's hand rocked the cradle in which Adrian, the son of Satan, rested. His blue fur, lion-like face, and unicorn horn unsettled her at first but her maternal instinct overtook her horror. Funny, this little one really did have a face only a mother could love. He might have been an abominable demon and taking care of him would surely sentence her to eternal damnation but he was still Rosemary's Baby.
"Hey, everybody, Satan's here!" Dr. Sapirstein shouted. The tenants of Bramford all stood at attention and raised their hands, forming them into downwards pointing triangles with their thumbs and forefingers. An imposing figure that was the spitting image of Rosemary's son but with a broken horn on his forehead, a beard, braids, and a costume that looked a bit like an Aztec High Priest's or Ancient Hawaiian tribal shaman's walked into the room, startling Rosemary and making her yelp in surprise as she picked up her baby and held it close to her chest, making her body a protective shell against Satan's advances.
"HAIL SATAN!" the tenants shouted.
"Please, please, everybody, just chill out." Satan said in a surprisingly normal voice. Rosemary expected him to speak with a lot more reverb. "Now that my baby has been delivered: I think it's time for me to explain a few things. First of all, I'm not actually Satan. My real name is Kimahri."
"Huh?" Guy Woodhouse, Rosemary's husband, ejaculated.
"I said my name was Kimahri!"
"I know what you said. I just don't know what all this is about. Are you a different kind of demon, or what?"
"Look, man, I'm not a demon at all. I'm a Ronso. I mean, I guess you could say that I'm an alien because I landed here about 10 years ago on my ship after I volunteered to become a cosmonaut for the newly established Shinra corporation on my home world of Spira. You see, I was traveling through space to find a source of Mako energy; which is the supernatural lifeblood of a planet. I came here on Earth to conduct a survey but my spacecraft crapped out on me, I think the engine's flooded, and the only thing small and intelligent enough to crawl into the engine compartment of my spaceship is a Ronso baby. They can be quickly and easily trained to perform complicated tasks that a human baby just couldn't do."
"Okay," said Roman Castevet. "Then, where's your spaceship?"
"You know that thing on the roof that I had you disguise as a chicken coop and told you to stay out of?"
"You mean your personal Merkahbah? Isn't that the portal you use to travel from here to your kingdom in Hell?"
"No, man. That's my spaceship. I use it to survey planets that may be viable Mako deposits."
Rosemary interjected, "You're saying that you forced yourself on me so I could give birth to an alien baby that would fix your spaceship?! What kind of sick game is this!"
"Look, lady," said Kimahri, "I'm sorry I raped you but it was the only way I could make it back to my home planet!"
Rosemary raised her index finger and took a deep breath as though she were going to ramble at length but then her eyes darted from the right to the left and back again. She exhaled, her finger went limp, and her eyes were cast down.
"Okay," Kimahri said, "now are there any other questions?" There were none. Kimahri wasn't sure if everybody was really up to speed on the situation but he decided that everyone's silence was fine enough. "Good, I'm taking Adrian to the roof, anybody who wants to come along: follow me."
Kimahri picked his son up from the cradle and made his way to the stairwell. Rosemary, Guy, the Castevets, Dr. Sapirstein, Laura-Louise, the Japanese guy, and Anton LaVey (who just so happened to be there). Although they were bewildered by this strange revelation about their lord and master's true nature: they decdied to follow him anyway because they had never seen a UFO take off before and they might as well have seen something that fantastic so that the time they spent with Satanic rituals and waiting for Rosemary's bun in the oven to be born wouldn't be a complete waste. The rest went home to watch fortball (a/n: Fortball is a distinct sport from Football. It's like the game Ace of Spades except everybody uses dodgeballs and the use of firearms is reserved for the grand finals. This sport was first mentioned in my Nintendogs Fanfiction).
When they got to the roof: they found a truly alien shape, a little bigger than an elephant, covered in chicken wire. Kimahri pointed to it, "Well, there she is, my ship!". It was designed entirely with obtuse angles and did not appear at all to be aerodynamic.
"Everybody get on board. We're going on a trip," Kimahri announced as he used his remote to open the doors.
"Hey, woah, woah, woah!" Roman Castevet said. "I thought you said the engine was flooded!"
"That's what the baby was for," everybody got inside and Kimahri took Adrian and went over the basics of the English language and gymnastics with him and then he explained everything he needed to know about fixing the UFO's engine including how to navigate through the air ducts and how he needed to do cartwheels and a somersault to avoid the ship's on-board laser defense system, and then he taught him how to change the oil and spark plugs in the engine. It only took ten minutes to go over everything he needed to know, Kimahri gave him the tool kit, and Adrian went to work. Adrian crawled into an air vent and disappeared. Five minutes later, the UFO came to life and its computers and monitors were lit like the skyline of New York City. Adrian then crawled out of a different air vent and clung to Rosemary.
"I fixed the ship, mommy!" said Adrian.
"I'm so proud of you, son." said Rosemary.
"Okay, everybody, fasten your seatbelts: we're on a non-stop flight to Spira!" Kimahri proclaimed. There was only one seat on the ship, the captain's chair, and no means to restrain themselves but, as the UFO took off, it became apparent that seatbelts were unnecessary as the ship took off vertically. Exiting the atmosphere turned out to be a more gentle affair than anybody could have expected.
"Skalabinga, we are off!" Kimahri exclaimed as he punched a big blue button with a label written in an alien syllabary beneath it. The ship entered a tunnel of white light. "Okay, it's going to take about thirty minutes to make it to Spira. You guys want to kill time by getting a round of Scrabble in?" Rosemary, Roman, and Anton LaVey expressed their eagerness to play and they spent the rest of their time in hyperspace playing the game, using it to teach Adrian more words. Adrian was a fluent English by the time they left hyperspace and encountered the new world of Spira. The alien planet was almost entirely covered by ocean with only a few continents, the largest among them only a fraction of the size of Australia, being visible.
"Golly, that's a lot of water!" said Laura-Louise
"Yes, 90% of the surface of Spira is covered in Ocean." Kimahri said as he played tour guide, "The indigenous peoples of each of those continents and several of the larger islands invented submarines and SONAR equipment beyond the technological threshold of either the United States or the Soviet Union before they even made contact with each other so we have the entirety of the ocean floor mapped out and every species of marine flora and fauna has been identified and extensively studied. When I left Spira: Shinra was halfway done with building the first underwater city; perhaps it's done or, heck, maybe they already have several underwater cities built! Anyway, I'm taking this baby to Bevelle, the capital of Spira. We will meet with Mr. Shinra on his skyscraper after we take this ship to my house."
As the ship drew towards Bevelle, Rosemary was awestruck at how unimaginably colorful the city was. The architects of St. Basil's Cathedral could have never thought of anything more fantastic than Bevelle with its elaborate neon signage, mutli-tired walkways, and architecture without angles. Kimahri took his UFO to a suburban neighborhood that was lush with gardens of unreal vegetation on the outskirts of that metropolis and landed it on the roof of a gaudily decorated house.
"Here we are, home sweet home, I sure hope the wife isn't here." said Kimahri.
"I'm afraid she is." a voice said coldly over the intercom.
"Oh, hi honey, I'm back from my survey."
"You never wrote. You never called. What's with you, Kimahri?"
"Look, Lulu, I had a bit of engine trouble and it was a bitch to fix. Plus, I was on the other side of the galaxy so radio signals would have taken hundreds of years to reach you anyway so cut me some slack, okay?"
"Just get down here."
The intercom crackered out and Kimahri turned to his guests to explain a few things. "That was my wife, Lulu. We have a teenaged son named Vidina; oh, by the way Adrian: you kind of have a brother even though you're not related by blood at all to him. Anyway, Vidina is not my kid, he's from a previous marriage and the father is from an old buddy of mine named Wakka. Lulu divorced him after he broke his neck during a tragic blitzball accident that left him paralyzed from the neck down and he couldn't bring in any money from his career as a professional sportsman."
"Wait a second, Blitzball?" Guy felt the need to inquire about this sport, "is that anything like Fortball?"
"No, actually, it's a lot more like Rugby except, instead of a grass field, it takes place in a giant orb of water."
"But won't people drown if they play it?" asked Minnie Castevet.
"Nah, professional Blitzball players have a huge lung capacity that allows them to stay underwater for hours. In fact, people who descend from a long line of professional Blitzball players are actually starting to evolve bigger lungs than other people that allows them to levitate in the air for a few seconds!"
Kimahri pressed a button that opened up the UFO. "Anyway, I better introduce you to my family. Come along, guys."
Everybody filed out made their way down to the living room. Little did they know: they were all in for a little adventure.
