Notes: Taking place immediately after the Scarlet's Angry Review of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Parts 1 & 2 Games and some time after Emily Jones' Angry Review of Ride to Hell: Retribution and Scarlet's Angry Review on Rambo: The Video Game, Scarlet come face to face with two new awful games that she has to review to her friends after playing it, the first being Thor and the second being Green Lantern.
The first in a series of reviews, because I decided to make a collection so I don't have to make too much one-shot review stories on this and make it a multi-chapter, multi-story collection, featuring Scarlet from Star Darlings and Emily Jones from LEGO Elves reviewing on some bad and even good video games. I DO NOT own ANY of the rants/reviews, characters, content or anything in this story, just my inspiration. Based on The Angry Joe Show (one of my inspirations).
(Part 1 of 2)
Scarlet relaxes as she comes back in her dorm room, gladly finishing her conversation with her starling friends, coming over to the pile of four games on her desk, saying, "All right, what's next on the review list? Stack of games- Oh!", looking to see both Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Parts 1 & 2 games on the pile, saying, "How did that get in- I thought I...Oh, done with those ones.", tossing the two Harry Potter games aside. "All rig- OH NO!", she was horrified on the third game in the pile, which reveals to be Thor: God of Thunder. "No, Thor, god, no! What's tha-", she pleads, looking under the Thor game reveal the fourth and final one to be Green Lantern: Rise of the Manhunters. "OH! OH, no, please! I don't wanna do it- Oh, it's 3D! No, what could be worse!", Scarlet overreacted. "I can't do it...I can't do it anymore!", she sobbed, who she now has to check and play the first game out, Thor: God of Thunder, then afterwards (in Part 2), Green Lantern: Rise of the Manhunters.
Scarlet's Angry Review of Thor: God of Thunder
Returning to the Lightning Lounge (takes place after Scarlet's angry reviews on Rambo, and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 & 2 games), Scarlet regroups her friends Sage, Libby, Leona and the rest as well as her girlfriend Vega, who the magenta-black starling starts her review, "Thor: God of Thunder the Video Game is about as copy and paste as you can get. It simply sucks. And if anybody tells you otherwise, they're lying to you! It's a third-person hack-and-slash, in the same vein as God of War. But ironically enough, comparing God of War to the God of Thunder, is like comparing the extraordinary, entertaining and best sci-fi Wishworld movie sequel ever, Aliens, to the off-brand, looks like horrifying terrible Italian ASS, Alien 2: On Earth! (If you don't know about this ripoff movie, DON'T watch it, it may cause nightmares to some. I hated it. I prefer Aliens better.)", she says, borrowing Vega's Starzap and shows a poster of the James Cameron movie Aliens, and using her own to show a poster of the terribly awful Italian ripoff Alien 2: On Earth, which scares the other starlings. "They aren't even on the same PLANE!", she also argues, deleting the poster images of both films from the Starzaps as she turns them off, "One is the worst kind of generic, ripoff copycat, without an original bone in it's body. It's single-player. But I've played enough movie-licensed games...to know, that I am not gonna play this, by myself. Hell, no. I would be like, Please don't suck, please don't suck, please don't suck! while I'm dressed up for every goddamn review, and I would be damned to stop then."
"We agree, Scarlet. Even that Alien 2: On Earth Wishworld Italian ripoff is the worst and scariest to us. I prefer the movie Aliens better, even though we didn't watch the first or second Alien movies yet, as well as that awful movie you showed us. But other than that, the Thor game probably is a bit of a ripoff too.", Sage and Cassie said.
The third-year starling continues, "Thor is also really light on gameplay modes. You've got your single-player campaign...and that's it. As far as options go, you can select the different costumes for Thor, with his hat, without his hat, and some old comic costumes. You can even select the color of his thunder. Blue, purple, yellow, red...that's the extent you're gonna get for options. Oh, and how can I forget? 3D. Now I know the movie's 3D was fucking terrible..."
Yesterday
After Scarlet had played the Thor: God of Thunder game and watched the 3D movie of Thor yesterday, she had an angry expression while a notification said, Warning! Incoming 3D Rant!, before the starling criticized about the 3D in Thor, "The 3D in this movie is pointless! POINTLESS!", before getting up and shouted out, "No more fucking pointless 3D MOVIIIIIIEEES!", holding Thor's hammer with electricity surging from it.
"Thankfully, this mode I didn't have to play through because I didn't have a 3D-capable TV, and I would probably get one soon. So, I DIDN'T have to play 3D. That's one of the positives in this game, not having to play it in 3D. However the rest of it, is gonna go kinda like this, which involves bad 3D on 2D-certified TVs.", told Scarlet.
Libby and Leona both said, "Whoa. We should use 3D TVs instead of 2D TVs. Sounds innovative."
"But to it's credit, or maybe actually it's detriment, the game doesn't follow the movie's storyline. You wanna go to Earth? Too bad! You wanna see a hot-ass Natalie Portman? Too bad! Instead, you're gonna be travelling through nine worlds in an effort to stop a menace, who could threaten Asgard and the ENTIRE universe! Sounds pretty cool, right? Unfortunately, it's not. The story itself isn't very compelling or memorable. After just a few short hours, you're gonna find yourself completely disinterested, and you're gonna be forcing yourself through the rest of the game. EVERYTHING, looks the same. You have your eyes swirled- I mean, you have your Ice World, your Forest World, your Volcano World! The same backgrounds with the same arenas repeated over, and over, and over, and over, and over! You're gonna think you're going, in circles. If that's not bad enough, each world, there's only like four enemy types; Frost giants, frost triants, and guess what, MORE frost giants!", the third-year starling said, the last part making her use the swear finger when counting with her fingers, skipping the middle finger to put down the index, the ring and pinky fingers.
Vega answers, "Really? A limited amount of enemies instead of a dozen kinds? This game has issues, love.", to Scarlet.
"That's the variety of enemies you'll have, until you reach a boss, kill it with the same...top-context sensitive buttons over and over and over, until you reach the next story cutscene. I forgot to mention, in the game, the goddess of war Sif was killed off, different from the movies!", the magenta-black starling criticized.
Piper and Clover gasped, "Oh my... But we have to admit, the bosses, enemies and continuity to the movies have problems too."
"So you go around in third-person mashing the same buttons over and over executing Thor combos, until you reach a boss where you exploit it's ONE weakness, until you defeat it, and get then next story cutscene.", Scarlet continued.
Vivica comes in the lounge, asking naughtily, "So, it's sorta like a God of War clone, star dippers?", before Scarlet suddenly punched the mean girl in the face, out of the lounge, which surprises Vega, Sage, Libby, Leona and the other seven starlings.
"Shut up, Vivica! Ugh...and your legendary hammer, it doesn't feel powerful. There's no weight behind it. It might as well be made out of cardboard. It just makes your basic attacks...boring, like the rest of the game! You might crack a faint smile, when you execute one of those slow-motion finishers, but by the third and fourth one, you're gonna be bored of 'em, sick of 'em.", resumed the third-year starling.
Astra and Gemma both said, "So we guess this is different...? Awesome with the slo-mo, but not sure about how critical those attacks are."
"How immensely frustrating is it, to go through an entire level, die right before you beat the sub-boss, and have to go all the way back, to the beginning? And these checkpoints are positioned so poorly that you're gonna be fighting, waves and waves and waves over and over just to get to that frustrating point you were at. It's punishing. And it's WAY too repetitive, on top of a game that's simply already repetitive. It's just one of those games, where you're gonna break your controller because it's so fucking lazy! The game is filled with kill the entire room, to magically open the door, to move on. That's all it is. No, I'm serious. The entire game is this way. Oh, and some point you'll have to kill an enemy in the distance, that you cannot reach at all, through no means, so you have to knock his attacks back at him until he dies, for THIS door to open up. It's completely stupid! It was made back in 2011, girls!", the magenta-black starling complains about the respawn and difficulty issues in the game.
Adora and Tessa also said, "We agree on that one too. Going through the entire level is so frustratingly stressful, like losing a save file on anything."
"You're gonna get 10 hours or so of gameplay, so there's more to this than say the Iron Man 1 & 2 tie-in games. Whether or not, you're even gonna wanna stick around for all of it, that's the question. I know I wanted it to end. I don't know what's worse; 4 hours of garbage, or 12 HOURS of garbage! 12 HOURS!", Scarlet then says the runtime problem.
Sage, Libby and Leona were shocked, "Whoa. 12 hours? That's eight hours worse than the Rambo and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows games!"
"Even the loading is so frustrating, I was like LOAD ALREADY! And the graphics, just forget the backgrounds, even the lightning effects are shitty. It looks like an XBOX game- It is an XBOX game. What's the best part of it, let's slow down, find a good thing about it, okay? Found it. The-the most powerful super moves and these finishers. Like I said if you see it once or twice, they get pointless. It's not like the Mortal Kombat X-Rays where there's variations on it depending on who you're hitting. Well, that game has 27 different Mortal Kombat fighters, and you have to like, strategically choose when you execute this, no, here, you execute it at a very specific point when a button context happens on screen, and it's the same enemies over and over- In fact, Mortal Kombat has more fighters in it's roster than this game has enemy types. I'm not joking. Really? Really, guys? Who...who...who?", asks Scarlet questioningly.
Vega, Piper and Clover answer, "Well, probably the developers of the game. Enough said."
"I...I play these games, because I wanna inform people on staying away from crap, or alternatively to love those games at times. I also wanna check in on the state, of movie-licensed games. To be a service to you to say, Hey, movie-licensed games, they ain't terrible anymore, let's go check it out! Somebody has to keep an eye on it, to see if things have changed, there may actually be a day, where movie-licensed games are actually good. And I can say Wow, the Thor game was pretty damn awesome! You should play it! That's why I bought this piece of starfing shit. You know, and I heard that the Nintendo DS version of the game, is kinda cool and a little better than the console versions. But even the browser version of the game is probably worth more time than this one. So, for this particular movie-licensed game, the time has not come. It's terrible. The final verdict for Thor: God of Thunder is 3/10. So dull, so mundane that it was really hard for me to be creative and think of...ideas on how to make this entertaining. That's what took me so long. How does it even get a 3/10? Well, it's not complete, utter, trash like some other games out there I have to review which is broken, at least it had something like the voice actors from the movie, Thor...but it's so dull and boring! It even deserves a 3/10. And it's so difficult to playthrough, it's...it's shit. There. Review, done. Blog it into the galactic files, broadcast it to all sectors.", spoke the magenta-black third-year starling Scarlet.
Sage, Libby, Leona, Vega and the other starlings clapped, "Yes, Scarlet! Well done! You go, girl!"
"There, I did it! I reviewed Thor, done, I'm done!", finished Scarlet with her review, Vega like the other times kissing her on the cheek. The third-year starling thought to herself, "Now to finish off the next review with that other game, Green Lantern...", as this chapter finishes off the Thor: God of Thunder review by Scarlet.
