Depression.
It's a horrible thing, that clings to you like a chain, locked tightly around your heart. It's a never ending cloud of sadness that seems to choke your ever woken breathe. No matter what you do, or where you go, its there it, follows you, it traps you.
I feel so broken inside.
I want to scream and shout, for people to realise how much I'm hurting inside, for someone to help me, for someone to save me. My eyes they scream for help, but my mouth forces a smile. Everyday is an eternal battle, with my personal darkness and pretending to smile. I fake a smile, I tell everyone I'm okay, but I'm not. Everyday I feel like I'm falling deeper, I'm fighting the tears that want to fall, and taping my mask together so my emptiness doesn't show. It's tiring, it's a never ending battle and I don't know how much I have left in me to fight.
I've tried the therapy, I've taken the meds, but depression is an evil demon that just won't go. I've asked again and again why me, as I've cried myself to sleep, I've begged to who ever is above to help me through.
I want a light, I want a change, I want my heart to heal, I want to feel better. I can't remember the last time I've smiled and not had a horrid thought in my mind. I can't remember a time where I've gone through a day and wanted to live.
They say suicide isn't an answer, but with depression you've stopped looking for answers, you just want an escape.
I have people around me, family, I know they care, but inside it's hard to feel it. I feel alone. I can be in a crowd of people and still feel alone, still feel like I am the only one. In my own prison of darkness.
I know I'm not the only one, there's people out there, people who have worse situations then mine, maybe I'm selfish for feeling this way, maybe you don't understand. But I don't understand either, It's gripping my soul and it won't leave me alone.
How can you escape something that's in your head?
How can you break free from chains that aren't really there? Everyone copes differently but some of us don't cope at all, we just exist and pray for it to end.
I need strength, I need help. I need change. I need happiness.
I want happiness.
Why me, why can't I?
Why
Sam paused in her writing, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. Her grip on her pen tightening, as she tried to calm down her heart. But the tears wouldn't stop. Her shoulders began to shake as sods racked through her body.
"Why me why" Sam cried to the air.
She didn't feel the comforting hand on her head, nor see the sad blue eyes of the pale girl who had been watching her.
"Depression is a cruel beast" The pale girl whispered, stroking the girls hair though she knew she couldn't feel it, but part of her hoped maybe she'd sense it. Sense someone was there.
"Just keep being strong pet, things will get better, you can make it"
"She can't hear you" Another voice added a pale boy with emerald green eyes. He stood in the corner of the room, his eyes on his blue eyed companion.
"I know"
"So why are you talking to her?"
"She's so broken, she needs a friend"
"You can't be that friend Sapphire ….you don't exist any more"
"But she does Sage" Sapphire sighed her sad eyes turning to him. "She's suffering"
"It's her own battle"
"And if she loses?"
"You know that answer"
"We made our choices long ago Sage, and now that we have, not a day goes by that I don't wish to change it" Sapphire turned her eyes back to the crying girl as she wiped at her eyes again, writing more heartbreaking words in her dairy. "Are we really forever doomed to watch broken souls become like us?"
"Like you said we made our choices"
"It's a cruel torture" Sapphire whispered stepping away from the girl. "Far too cruel"
Sage watched his companion leave before he rested his eyes on the sad girl that had caused Sapphire such sadness. He slowly walked over, reading the words the girl had been writing, she was indeed a broken soul.
"It is cruel" He whispered turning his back on the girl.
Sam jumped, turning in her seat as something dropped on the floor behind her. Her swollen eyes dropped to her music box which laid on the floor. Wiping at her eyes Sam walked over to the box, picking it up from the floor she went to place it back on the shelf, but something caught her eye. She paused turning her attention to her mirror, wondering if she was seeing things.
She wasn't.
The music box laid forgotten in her hands as she read the words written upon her mirror, they hadn't been their earlier, had they? Under the words was a hand print pressed in to the glass. Slowly Sam raised her hand placing it in the print, which was slightly bigger then hers.
Someone knew she was hurting. A whole new set of tears formed in Sam's eyes as she reread the words on her mirror. She couldn't explain it but the first time, in a long while, she didn't feel so alone.
Keep fighting.
