I can smell the death on the sheets
Covering me
I can't believe this is the end
I was too young. I had so much left to do…so many things to fix. But this is the end.
Why can't I accept that?
But this is my deathbed
I lie here alone
If I close my eyes tonight
I know I'll be home
In all of my fifty-two years, I had never known a home. At once I thought it was the place I grew up in; that thought was gone as soon as I was to UCLA. I thought home was the worthless relationships I was constantly in; that wasn't it, either. I finally settled that my home was in my drugs; yes, that was accurate.
The year was nineteen forty one
I was eight years old and
Far, far too young
To know that the stories
Of battles and glories
Was a tale a kind mother
Made up for her son
I can't remember my mother that well. I remember that she always smiled when she was around me; I later associated that to her giving me a show-face. I wonder if she realized I was giving her one, too.
You see
Dad was a traveling preacher
Teaching the words of the Teacher
And mother had sworn he
Went off to the war
And died there with honor
Somewhere on a beach there
But he left once to never return
Which taught me that I should unlearn
Whatever I thought a father should be
I abandoned that thought
Like he abandoned me
I liked to pretend that I didn't need a father figure in my life. Truth be told, I did. So I turned to the closest thing to a father that I had; Broadway. Broadway would never leave me; Broadway would never abandon me. I learned quickly that fathers were just an illusion and – like everything else – it would've never lasted anyway. Better to think he died than to face reality.
By forty seven I was fourteen
I'd acquired a taste for liquor and nicotine
I smoked until I threw up
Yet I still lit 'em up
For thirty more years
Like a machine
I figured it I drank a bunch of herbal tea after I smoked, it would balance out and keep my voice the perfection that it was. It didn't; my voice slowly lost its brilliance. I still won Nationals four consecutive years for Vocal Adrenaline. Sometimes I regret devoting everything to the drugs and Glee but it's not like I can have a do-over. It is what it is, I suppose.
So right there you have it
That one filthy habit
Is what got me where I am today
Alone.
I can smell the death on the sheets
Covering me
I can't believe this is the end
I can hear those sad memories
Still haunting me
So many things
I'd do again
So many things are haunting me at the moment. My only love leaving me, my kids yelling at me for being such a crap-like parent…my own dreams turning on me and leaving me trapped in my own body. I struggled to remember the confident, smug eighteen-year-old that knew where he was going; I couldn't. I could only remember the scared, broken eighteen-year-old who was addicted to basically every drug known to man; who couldn't even admit to himself that he was lost.
But this is my deathbed
I lie here alone
If I close my eyes tonight
I know I'll be home
Hospitals are white. It's like some strange vortex of doom; everywhere you look there is white and white and (shock) more white. Would it kill them to add some color? Oh wait, I'm only here to die. Might as well be white…I won't be here long anyway.
I got married on March twenty first
Eight months before my wife would give birth
It's easier to be sure you love someone
When her father inquires with the barrel of a gun
The union was far from harmonious
No two people could have been more alone than us
The years would go by and she'd love someone else
And I realized I hadn't been loved yet myself
I hadn't meant to get Rachel knocked-up. It just kind of…happened. It was a crazy summer; I was drunk half of it. I had failed; at UCLA, Broadway, at life. She was there and just as empty as me. When she cracked it to her parents, it wasn't her dad that scared me; it was Shelby. I swear to this day, that lady is mental. She threatened to shoot me if I didn't marry Rachel and make her happy. So I tried to…but when the day of the wedding rolled around, both of us were screaming "show-face". I always knew it boiled down to Hudson…when she came with the divorce papers, I realized that nobody had ever loved me in my entire life.
From there it's your typical spiel
Yeah if life was a highway
I was drunk at the wheel
I was seeing the loose ends
All fall apart
Yeah I swear I was destined to fail
And fail from the start
For all of the talent I (used) to have, it seemed like my destiny was to be that guy that everybody looked at sympathetically and said "at least we aren't that guy". But, I brought it upon myself. I searched and searched for somebody to give the blame for all the crap that had happened to me but it all boiled down to the empty face that searched me in the mirror.
I bowled about six times a week
The bottle of Beam kept the memories from me
The marriage had taken a seven-ten split
And along with my pride the ex-wife took the kids
"Daddy,"
I opened my eyes groggily, still a bit on a Beam high. My daughter Barbra stared at me sadly, her eyes far too wise for a girl of only thirteen. She had Rachel's big brown eyes and my curly hair.
"What's wrong, star?"
She only bent down and hugged me, and I felt tears staining my shirt. I cautiously put my hands on her back and squeezed her, knowing what was about to happen.
"I love you daddy. I wish you would quit and give me a reason to stay, though. But we just can't stay here and deal with all the crap that you keep giving us. You're my daddy and I will always love you but we have to leave; be good. For me,"
With that Barbra stood up and left, leaving me in my bed with tears flowing down my face. I walked slowly over to the window and watched as Rachel took my kids and packed them into the car, no emotion showing on her face. My heart finally broke when Freddy – my little boy – looked up at me and gave me his little half smile and waved with a twinkle in his eyes. I somehow managed to lift my lifeless arm and wave back to my little son, trying my best to look happy. Rachel noticed Freddy waving and followed his gaze up to me, giving me a look of pity. I just nodded my head and tried to give her the confident smirk that she knew from high school. I knew it wasn't confident anymore; it was lonely.
I can smell the death on the sheets
Covering me
I can't believe this is the end
I can hear those sad memories
Still haunting me
So many things
I'd do again
Three years after that day, my little girl turned sixteen. It was also one of the worst days of my life; I had gotten laid-off. So I was beyond high.
That got Barbra mad.
"Could you not be sober for just one day, daddy? I just wanted my dad to be sober so he could help celebrate the fact that his daughter is sixteen! No wonder mom divorced you; you're just a drunk bum who will never have a life or anything to live for. I hope you're happy. Do you know that the other day Freddy was called DUI? You know what he said? He said that you "were just going through a phase" and said he was proud of you. And when his class was making Father's Day projects, he didn't make one for Finn, he made one for you. He learned how to play piano and sings Queen constantly because he thinks that if he does things that mattered to you that you would come back. Do you even realize what you have done to him? Face it; you're a loser, Jesse. You may be my father, but Finn is my dad. Have a good life."
But this is my deathbed
I lie here alone
If I close my eyes tonight
I know I'll be home
I never saw Barbra or Freddy again. Freddy died of cancer on his tenth birthday; a stormy August day. I didn't find out until I flipped open the paper and saw my little boy and the date of his death. I didn't show up to the service; I figured I wasn't wanted there. But for as long as I lived that day every year I would stay sober and – after midnight – I would stop by Freddy's grave and sing to him. Granted my voice wasn't what it used to be, but it was the thought that counted, right?
I was so scared of Jesus
But He sought me out
Like the cancer in my lungs
That's killing me now
And I've given up hope
On the days I have left
But I cling to the hope
Of my life in the next
It was only six months ago when I learned that I had lung cancer. I didn't regret the smoking or the drinking, though. It wasn't like I could change anything. Wasn't worth the 'if only' because – in the end – those were just empty wishes. I knew Barbra wasn't going to come rolling around to come say good-bye to me. I knew Rachel wasn't going to come, either. I probably wouldn't even have a funeral – because of my addiction, I had no friends in the end. They would probably just stick me in a hole and be done with it. I really, truly was alone.
Then Jesus showed up
Said, "Before we go up
I thought that we might reminisce
See one night in your life
When you turned out the light
You asked for and prayed for my forgiveness"
Ever since I was little, mother had always taken me to church every Sunday. After she died in a car accident, I stopped going all-together. But there was one night after I had finished puking up my latest stash that I dragged myself over to the church and got on my knees and – for the first time in many years – I prayed.
You cried wolf
The tears they soaked your fur
The blood dripped from your fangs
You said, "What have I done?"
You loved that Lamb
With every sinful bone
And there you wept alone
Your heart was so contrite
There was a strange combination of tears, sweat, blood, dirt, and the contents of my stomach on my face. It wasn't the first time I had been alone before but it was the first time that I had felt alone and complete at the same time.
You said, "Jesus, please forgive me of my crimes
Sanctify this withered heart of mine
Stay with me until my life is through
And on that day please take me home with you"
It was one of the only times I had ever prayed in my life but it all felt so right. I had never been so sure of anything else in my entire life. For the first time, I felt…whole.
I can smell the death on the sheets
Covering me
I can't believe this is the end
I can hear You whisper to me,
"It's time to leave
You'll never be lonely again"
Rachel had once told me that I would never be lonely since I was with her. I knew that it was going to be a lie when I woke up in three in the morning to find her sneaking out of the window dressed up like she was heading off for a date. But I knew that this time, the sentence actually meant something. It wasn't empty words, it was a promise.
But this was my deathbed
I died there alone
When I closed my eyes tonight
You carried me home
Death wasn't as scary as it was cracked-up to be. In fact, I now realized that it was much easier than living. Even though physically I died there alone, in my heart I wasn't alone. I was with those I'd hurt, those I'd loved, and those I'd known and they all forgave me for my awful behavior. As I was carried away from my wreck-of-a-life, I passed by Barbra's house where she was happily lying down at her desk, her latest script in her hands. I passed by Rachel and Finn's house where I saw Rachel's eyes flicker open for a second – as if looking at me – and then rubbed Finn's arm and fell back asleep. Slowly the world began to fade away and I looked straight ahead, ready for what was coming next. Ready to see my little boy, ready to be Jesse once more; I was ready to be home.
I am the Way
Follow Me
And take My hand
And I am the Truth
Embrace Me and you'll understand
And I am the Life
And through Me you'll live again
For I am Love
I am Love
I, I am Love
