I'm not really sure where this came from and it might remain a one shot because it's late, I'm tired and there's a possibility it doesn't make any sense! Let me know what you think :)


Drinks! He never went for drinks. He'd seen the surprise on all their faces when he had walked into Albie's. Elliot had immediately welcomed him whilst everyone else had eyed him warily. A muttered remark from Jac Naylor, polite but nervous greetings from the two F1's and a raised eyebrow from her.

She had made room for him on the sofa and he'd sat down squeezed between her and Mo Effanga.

He'd asked himself why he was there and he couldn't come up with an answer other than the pathetic acknowledgement that he hadn't wanted to be alone.

Maja's news the week before had rattled him. He'd thought of little else since, despite his best efforts to distract himself.

A grandfather.

He couldn't imagine it.

He was going to be a grandfather. No matter how many times he said it to himself it didn't seem real. But then, he reasoned, how could it? How could he feel like a grandfather when he had never felt like a father?

He barely registered finishing his first drink until a second was pushed into his hand by Jonny Maconie.

The look on Maja's face when she walked out of his office plagued him. If he was honest it was the look he had expected to receive when he went to Stockholm. He had been surprised by how easily she had seemed to forgive him and it made him believe even more that he had made the right decision. She was much happier with Nils than she ever would have been with him. He had pretended to himself that this thought didn't sting. Good old Nils, friendly, dependable Nils. His best friend at one time.

When he had first discovered years ago that Nils and Maja had married it felt as though he had been kicked in the stomach. The thought of them together, the thought of her with anyone really, but especially Nils. Nils who had known how much his best friend loved and adored her. Then he realised he was being selfish and stupid. He had walked out on her. He had no right to expect her not to move on with her life.

Eventually he had convinced himself to be happy for them. To be glad that she and the child had someone to take care of them.

But now, Maja and Nils were no longer together and he had seen the look in her eyes as she told him. That look that she had when she touched his elbow and reminisced about happier times and broken promises. For a moment it was almost as if they were back on that jetty but he pushed the thought aside. He couldn't afford to become sentimental. If he gave in now then it would all have been for nothing.

More jokes about Connie Beauchamp and a third drink being pressed into his hand. Serena's hand casually patting his knee as she laughed.

Maja touching his elbow. He disliked being touched. It made him uncomfortable. It reminded him of what he gave up, of what he didn't deserve. Of what he missed.

Maja had been the only one. His first. His last.

For some reason this thought suddenly angered him. He was fifty years old and he had only ever been with one woman - half his lifetime ago. And it wasn't as though he had not been tempted, had not wanted other women. God the number of times he had thought about being with Sahira… But he never did anything about it. When it came right down to it he was too afraid. Too afraid to admit needing someone, too afraid to let go of his self-restraint. He had built his life on the persona of being cool and aloof Mr Hanssen. Always in control, enigmatic. The less people know about you the less vulnerable you are to them discovering your weaknesses. And no one is more vulnerable than when they admit to loving someone.

The idea of being with someone without loving them seemed pointless. But what if he'd been wrong? What if that was the best way? The only way not to get hurt?

The F1's called it a night, mumbling more nervous goodbyes at him. Mo Effanga moved to another chair leaving more space on the couch. He was about to give Serena more space when she put her hand on his knee again and asked him if he wanted another drink. He shouldn't have anymore, he'd lost count already, but he heard himself replying that he would and she got up to go to the bar. He made more space on the couch and chided himself for accepting another drink. Jonny was clearly intoxicated and Jac was berating him whilst Mo giggled uncontrollably. Sharon Kozinsky and Elliot were in their own little world as they chatted, practically nose to nose. Hanssen hadn't realised they were in a relationship. They seemed an unlikely pairing, no more than Jonny and Jac. Although apparently Naylor and the nurse were no longer a couple. He watched them as Jonny reached out to pat Jac's stomach and she slapped his hand away and glared at him causing Mo to erupt in fits of laughter again at the look on Jonny's face.

They weren't even a couple anymore and yet Jonny was playing the role of supportive father-to-be. He hadn't run away. He hadn't shirked his responsibilities. But then, in all likelihood Jonny Maconie would be an excellent parent. The man had empathy and patience.

Serena returned and despite the extra room on the couch he felt her pressed against him again when she sat after handing him his glass.

Closing time came and he offered to share a taxi with her. They let Elliot and Sharon take the first one and waited for another to arrive at the taxi rank. Jac had driven Mo and Jonny home. There was a slight chill in the air despite it being August and he noticed her shiver slightly as she checked her phone and grumbled under her breath. The light from a nearby street lamp was almost like candlelight and he noted how it softened her features, although the alcohol may also have contributed to the lack of wariness in her expressions. She always looked slightly intrusting when she spoke to him. He realised he probably looked the same when talking to her. They both had reason not to trust. But for some reason lately he had found himself forgetting that and letting her in more.

'Bloody ex's.' she hissed. 'There should be a law that says once you break up with someone they can never ever contact you again for any reason!'

Hanssen laughed at the idea, it was hardly practical even if it was very appealing. He had found out eventually that Edward Campbell, new locum anaesthetist, was none other than Serena's ex-husband. One of the nurses on AAU had actually sent round a memo! He could only imagine what would have happened the week before had anyone known exactly who Maja was. The one and only woman that the Dreary Swede had ever slept with and then abandoned when she was pregnant. That would have kept the gossips going for the rest of the year.

He couldn't explain exactly how it was they came to be standing so close together under the street lamp, nor what it was exactly that spurred him to act as he did. But he reached out, tilting her chin upwards with his hand and bent down to press his lips to hers. He felt her stiffen and mumble something against his mouth as he raised his other hand to her neck and let his fingers run up through her hair. What would the gossips say to this, he wondered briefly.

She stepped away from him and looked at him in shock and normally he would have apologised or simply expired from embarrassment – if indeed this could ever have happened 'normally'. But he was sick and tired of his 'normality' and tonight he would not apologise for wanting.

Perhaps it was the alcohol, or perhaps she too was incited by thoughts of breaking with the past and a desire to be reckless for once, but he found himself being pulled towards her again. Her lips parting, her tongue searching his and her hands roaming inside his jacket.

The journey in the taxi was a blur. As they stumbled into his bedroom for a split second he did wonder if he had closed the front door but Serena's hands unzipping his trousers pushed all such practical thoughts aside.

Any worries he might have had that he would no longer remember how to make love to a woman were proven to be quite wrong. He enjoyed the unfamiliar moans from his colleague and the arching of her body into his as his lips and hands acquainted themselves with every inch of her. She returned the favour with a passion he never could have imagined her directing at him. They moved together and the feel of her legs wrapped around him, holding him tightly as she gasped his name, exhilarated him and he rocked against her until time and movement and sound all vanished and he collapsed, exhausted on top of her. She still clung to him and he wondered what it would be like to stay like that forever. If she were to never let him go.