This story here is based on the Fractured Fairy Tales segment of the old Rocky & Bullwinkle Show. For those who don't know the concept of it, they would retell classic fairy tales with a modern and humorous twist to it. So, being a big fan of anything Disney (especially the Disney theme parks andDisneyland's Haunted Mansion) I decided to do my own version of fractured fairy tales on a Disney classic, Snow White. Enjoy!
Once upon a time in a kingdom far away, (as if there are any nearby kingdoms in fairy tales), lived a king and a queen named King Marcus and Queen Hazel. They longed for a child, and one day their prayers were answered, and were born a daughter. They named her Snow White, because her skin was pure as snow.
But sadly, soon after Snow White was born, Queen Hazel died from a sudden sickness. King Marcus, knowing his baby daughter needed a mother, put an ad in all the magazines throughout the country advertising for a queen. It read:
Queen/Mother Wanted!
Young, Beautiful, Smart
Needs To Help Raise Young Princess/Daughter
Be Willing To Marry Rich, Handsome King
Over the next few weeks, the king interviewed dozens and dozens of women to be his queen. He finally selected a young, beautiful, but vain woman named Grimhilde, and they were soon married. But after two years of marriage, King Marcus died of a sickness, like his first wife, Hazel. (Alright, so the story isn't happy and upbeat so far. Give it time, it has a happy ending).
So anyhow, Queen Grimhilde was left to raise Snow White by herself. But after King Marcus had died, Queen Grimhilde's real personality was unveiled. She was mean and cruel to the young Snow White, and treated her like dirt. As Snow White grew up she became more beautiful, which the jealous Queen Grimhilde was enraged by. So, she dressed the young girl in rags and forced her to work as a scullery maid. She washed dishes, did the laundry, scrubbed the floors, polished the royal carriage, and even had to empty the royal cat's litter box. But, Snow White still remained cheerful day in and day out. (Which is pretty amazing considering she had to do all those horrible chores).
Unbeknownst to the young girl, the vain Queen Grimhilde had a magic toaster in the castle's kitchen, to which each and every day the Queen would go to it and ask, "Magic toaster machine, am I still the cutest queen?"
Then the toast would pop up and the toaster replied "You are still the most beautiful and fair, my queen."
But one day, on Snow White's 18th birthday to precise, something different happened. Queen Grimdhilde asked her appliance, "Magic toaster machine, am I still the cutest queen?"
The toast popped up as usual, but this time the toaster replied, "You are still the best my queen, but wise up fast. For soon, Snow White will go whizzing past."
Queen Grimhilde was shocked. "No!" she shrieked. "I'll have to dispose of her."
Later that day, she called upon her chef, Louis, and instructed him to murder Snow White. (Her huntsman was on vacation). "Take her far into the forest and find some secluded glade," she instructed him. "And there, Louis, you shall kill her."
But Louis responded, "But, your majesty, how should I kill her?"
"I don't know. Why don't you just beat her to death with your frying pan?"
"Oh, okay," Louis replied.
And so the chef lead the beautiful Snow White out to the forest to dispose of her. Deep in the forest, when Snow White's back was turned, Louis crept up on the young girl and drew out his frying pan. Snow White turned around and screamed when she saw Louis with frying pan raised, but instead of beating her senseless, Louis dropped the frying pan.
"I can't do it," he shouted.
"Can't do what" the frightened Snow White asked.
"Your stepmother has ordered me to murder you, because she is jealous of your beauty. And I just can't murder you."
"Why not?" Snow White questioned
"Because my hand is cramped from peeling potatoes all day. I can't move it," Louis yelled.
So, taking this opportunity, Snow White ran to hide away in the forest. But the deeper she ran into the forest, the darker it got, and the more frightening it became. Trees seemed to reach out and grab her. Horrible gleaming eyes glowed from the darkness. Creepy and terrifying creatures lurked in the shadows: bats, snakes, giant spiders, and lawyers. Frightened and tired of running she screamed and collapsed to the ground weeping.
Note:I did not actually come up with the name Queen Grimhilde. In fact, it is actually the never-mentionedname of the Wicked Queen in Disney's Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs.
