I still remember your smile. You were such a hero to me back then. The way I always bragged about you to everyone around my age, and somehow became "daddy's boy". It was terrible back then, but now, I don't mind it at all. Even when we had bad times, you were always a hope for everyone. Even if you had pretty weird friends, I still loved you dad. Everything was fun, even training was fun, when you were around. I still remember that fateful day like it was yesterday: The day you got killed by that old bastard. The things that ran through my mind that day, I just can't forget it. We were on a mission together to protect a place dear to us, from the enemy. Nothing else. We were going to have a party afterwards, with that silly friend of yours teaching us some new dancing moves, even if I couldn't stand it. Instead, it ended up with your death. My mind went blank the moment your eyes closed. I am thankful that your weird friend was there to calm me down, dad. I should have been more thankful around you.
There was another friend you had too, probably even weirder. He always tried to take good care of me, poor guy failed at that. Not his fault. Not at all. All mine. I admit that. You just wanted the best for me, and I probably acted like a jerk back to you. You wanted me to be like my father, but you never realized that I was more like him that you wanted to accept. You never realized how the Sima clan always gave you much more credit for work I did. They wanted me dead, I had no other choice. I still regret not telling you everything, but you would probably not believe me. Shu was the only place I could go to, even if they were behind my dear father's death. I am so sorry dad, but you would have done the same, I know you that well. I might be a coward, but I am not stupid enough to hang around somewhere I can't even sleep safe at night.
I am thankful for being so easily accepted into Shu. I am sorry though, benevolence was never my thing. My family name once again saved me back there. It was hard to fight against old friends. Those I had grown up with. I was always an older brother to everyone when you were small. Funny how I am the short one, or what Sima Zhao? You used me every single time your father was mad at you, screaming that "I GOT A NEW BIG BROTHER NOW, A NEW FAMILY", which made your brother so mad at you. It has been hard fighting against you. Actually, seeing all of your faces, having to face you, it has been so hard, so heavy, just as heavy as my armor on a warm summer day.
I just wish that you didn't have to die because of me. Guo Huai, even if you were sick and frail, you kept on fighting. As I said, I was a jerk to you, and I regret it so much. If just told you everything, you could have been alive now. You weren't the one who should have died that day, I should have been the one! You didn't deserve it at all! I did!
Still, I kept on, standing up for myself. And I deserve this. I deserve to die. I never wanted you to feel sadness again Sima Zhao. I never wanted anyone to die. I am so sorry, Guo Huai. You were there when my father died. And father… I did what I felt was the best. Zhang He did a excellent job of taking care of me. Same with uncle Xiahou Dun. Everyone did their best. I never deserved it. Still…. How come that I'm smiling? Is it because we'll see each other soon? I don't even deserve to die this way… So I am thankful. Soon, we'll all be together again. I can't wait to see you again, dad.
