A Death Note Christmas Carol

*Writers note: the following Fanfic is rather silly in nature. You have been warned.

(Starts off with Light writing down names in his Death Note. Ryuk is playing Mario Kart 64 while Misa is making Dinner. It's Christmas Eve.)

Light: (Sighs) Another sleepless night.

Misa: Hmm? What do you mean?

Light: Idiot. Don't you know crime rate skyrockets during the holiday season? I have to kill off so many criminals! (Beat) By the way what's for dinner?

Ryuk: (To himself) HA HA! Donkey Kong's such an idiot! He slipped over his own banana peel and slid right into the Jinx! On Rainbow Road no less!

Misa: Can't ridding the world of evil wait until AFTER the holidays? And we're having vegetable soup.

Ryuk: No… No… No…

Light: No. And I hate vegetable soup!

Ryuk: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! DAMN YOU BLUE TURTLE SHELL OF DOOM! YOU JUST HAD TO STRIKE WHEN I WAS 10 FEET FROM THE FINISH LINE! DIDN'T YOU? (Beat) Meh, I'm bored now. Hey Light, what did you get me for Christmas?

Misa: You will eat the soup and you will like it!

Light: Will both of you shut up! (Beat) You know what, I'm going to go take a nap. Good night!

Ryuk: But-

Light: I said good night sirs! (Exits)

Misa: Sirs?

Ryuk: He never did answer my question. (Beat) Ah well back to my game.

Disembodied voice: YOU JUST LOST THE GAME!

Ryuk: DAMN YOU DISEMBODIED VOICE!

Misa: C'mon Ryuk. We're going out!

Ryuk: Ooh, where are we going? Disney World?

Misa: You'll see.

(Back in the bed room, Light is sleeping. The ghost of Watari enters)

Watari: Light… Light… Light…

Light: (Wakes up) Hmm? Oh it's just you Watari. Wait a second, you died. (Beat) AHHH! WATARI IS A ZOMBIE!

Watari: Ghost.

Light: AHHH! WATARI IS A GHOST! Please don't haunt me!

Watari: Oh good heavens no! I would never do anything so vulgar. Would you like some candy?

Light: No thank you.

Watari: Tea?

Light: Nope.

Watari: Cake?

Light: THAT'S A LIE!

Watari: Potato chips?

Light: I shall these potato chips from you… AND EAT THEM!

Watari: Please, PLEASE never say that again. EVER. Oh, and I'm here to tell you that tonight you shall be visited by three ghosts… Other than my self, of course.

Light: Say what?

Watari: And their names are P, PR, and F. They shall show you the error of your ways, Light Yagami.

Light: That's fan-fucking-tastic.

Watari: You have been warned.

Light: Can I go back to sleep? I was having a great dream.

Watari: Sure. (Exits, Light goes back to sleep)

(An hour passes. P, a ghost who looks like L, appears.)

P: Kira! Kira wake up!

Light: Dammit! Why do people and ghosts always fell it necessary to wake me… (Looks at clock) Hey! It's 7 o'clock! What kind of ghost haunts people at 7 o'clock?

P: Ones that don't give a shit about what you think! Anyway, I'm P, the ghost of Christmas past, and-

Light: OH! P as in past! I get it! And PR is present and F is Future!

P: Wow… You're JUST getting that? You're a real dumbass. Oh, and F actually stands for FUCK YOU! Oh right, I'm here to show you the error of… Something or other. I can't quite remember.

Light: Look here ghost who looks exactly like L, if this is about the time I sold your… I mean L's clothes to hyperactive fangirls, I'm sorry! I didn't know they would do… THAT! (Shudders)

P: NOT THAT! I had forgotten about that and now… Just… Anyway, I have to take you back to your childhood. HERE WE GO! (Light and P begin time traveling via the time stream. The song "Time Warp" is playing.)

(Now at the Yagami household, sometime in the past.)

Soichiro: So, have you two decided on what you want to be when you grow up?

Young Sayu: I want to be a doctor!

Soichiro: Now Sayu, you know you're too stupid for that.

Young Light: I want to become a god of a New World!

Soichiro: Good for you son!

Young Light: And I want a bicycle for Christmas!

Soichiro: HELL NO! We're poor right now!

Young Light: But… What about the loads of money the banks got during the bailout? (*Writers note: In my defense, the joke was relevant when I first wrote this thing.)

Soichiro: They won't be giving it to us. And while that may suck, at least this isn't a socialist country.

Young Light: Oh, yeah.

Light: Hey, L-ghost.

P: What is it?

Light: Can I get some popcorn?

P: Wha- What?

Light: Well, it feels to me like I'm watching a movie, so I need some popcorn.

P: No you don't get popcorn! We're here to see the start of your hate for Christma-

Light: I don't HATE Christmas.

P: Fine, your dislike for-

Light: I don't dislike it either.

P: Look, just learn your lesson so I can go back to my afterlife.

Light: (Beat) Do you have any potato chips?

P: I'm going to stop talking to you now.

Sachiko: Dear, I'm worried about Light. He keeps writing stuff down in a notebook, then knocking down his toy soldier and screaming "Justice".

Young Light: JUSTICE!

Sachiko: Just like that.

Soichiro: Don't worry, it's just a phase. I was the same way when I was young.

Lind L. Taylor (television reporter): Breaking news! Santa Claus has just been murdered! That's right, despite the fact that he's immortal and moves at the speed of light, SOMEONE MANAGED TO MURDER HIM! Here is a picture of the suspect! (Cuts to a picture of Sylar.)

Young Light: I will find that murderer where ever he's hiding, and I will eliminate him! I AM JUSTI-

Sachiko: Light! Time for cookies!

Young Light: Oh boy, cookies!

P: Have you learned your lesson yet?

Light: Hmm? What? I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention. There was a woman a few houses down taking a shower in a very sexy manner.

P: When did you-? Never mind. (Makes a train magically appear and he pushes light in.) Goodbye Light Yagami. Oh, by the way, the other two ghosts are worse than me. (Door closes and train goes)

Light: Oh crap. (Beat) By the way, who says goodbye like that to an enemy on a train?

Disembodied voice: WHAT ABOUT THAT TIME WITH RAYE PENBER?

Light: Shut up.

(An hour passes with Light still on the train. The train suddenly stops and PR, a ghost that looks like Mello, enters.)

Light: Great, Willy Wonka is here.

PR: Shut up mother fucker! My name is PR, the ghost of Christmas present and the baddest son of a bitch this side of the ghetto. Now we gonna see how yo' killin' affect yo' bitches!

Light: Does that mean we're going to get off the train?

PR: Damn straight.

Light: All right!

Raye Penber: Help… Me…

Light: Shut up!

(Light and Mello go to the time stream and find themselves in a pimped out car. The song "Candy Shop" begins playing.)

Light: Wait… Why are we time traveling? If you're the ghost of Christmas present, we don't need to go through time.

PR: Yeah, but it's damn cool!

Raye Penber: Help… Me…

Light: Did you put him in a trunk?

PR: No doubt!

(At the task force head quarters)

PR: We start wit' yo' crew!

Matsuda: Yay! Role!

Light: I don't give a shit about them.

PR: All right, we move on to yo' bitches.

Matsuda: Yay! Cameo!

Aizawa: SHUT UP MATSUDA!

Matsuda: Yes sir.

(At Mikami's house. Misa and Ryuk are also there, and Ryuk is eating an apple.)

PR: Now pay attention mother fucker!

(P appears)

P: Wait a second, Kira!

Light: What? I thought I was done with you.

P: I got lonely. By the way, where was that woman in the shower again?

Light: Three houses down. The blue one. Go in through the shadows to the left.

P: Thanks! (Leaves)

PR: Who does that fucker think he is, interruptin' my work?

Light: Someone cooler than you.

PR: Boy, don't make me sell yo' shirt to fangirls.

Misa: Hey Mikami.

Mikami: Delete. Delete. Delete.

Misa: Light won't stop working, even though it's Christmas Eve. What should I do?

Mikami: Delete. Delete. Delete.

Misa: I'm pretty sure that's illegal.

Mikami: Delete. Delete. Delete.

Misa: Good point.

Mikami: Delete. Delete. Delete.

Misa: No, I can't. I'm on a diet.

Light: Once again, people I don't care about.

PR: (Beat) How 'bout dis then: either you do what I say, or I pop a cap in yo' bitch ass.

Light: You're a ghost, what can you do?

PR: (Beat) When you dead, I'm gonna beat yo' ass. (Kicks Light into a ditch.)

(An hour passes and Light is still in the ditch. F, a ghost identical to Near, appears)

F: All right, let's get this over with Kira.

Light: Wait, who are you, and how do you know I'm Kira?

F: I'm F, the ghost of Christmas FUCK YOU who looks like Near, and I know you're Kira because Obama is black.

Light: That… Doesn't make much sense.

F: Hey, I'm the only smart guy who survives the series, I don't need to make sense.

Light: Yeah, well at least I have a fan base. And a girlfriend. Actually, I have three girlfriends. I'm more of a pimp than Mello!

F: Considering he could only get one girl, and didn't bother watching her shower, he's not much of a pimp at all. Actually, I think he's gay. That would explain why he likes hanging out with Matt so much.

Light: And L just creeps girls out. He keeps them tied up in his basement.

P: And WHO kicked your ass?

Light: (Beat) Can we get going now?

F: All right. BACK TO THE FUTURE!

(The two go to the time stream. The song "Barbie Girl" is playing)

F: Don't… Say… A word.

Light: So… What do you have to do with my future?

F: I indirectly cause your death.

Light: FUCK YOU! Both because it's your name and I don't like you!

F: No one likes me.

Light: Not even Buddha or Jesus?

F: Especially not Buddha and Jesus! They spent five hours last week slapping me for no reason!

Light: So… Uh… How does time travel work?

F: Captain Falcon is awesome.

Light: What?

F: Time travel works because Captain Falcon is awesome.

Light: Okay, does ANYTHING you say make sense?

F: Not really.

(Now in a post-apocalyptic future, with lots of stuff destroyed. There are disembodied heads of elves on sticks coming out of lakes of vegetable soup.)

Light: How… How did this happen?

F: Because Paris Hilton is a whore.

Light: That… Actually kinda makes sense… I think.

F: Oh, it gets worse.

Light: I don't see how it could be wor- OH MYSELF! Look at this! (Picks up a newspaper) "New dictators of the world… TELETUBBIES!

F: Told you it got worse.

Light: How did this happ- (Beat) On second thought, don't answer that.

F: Wait, we have one more place to visit.

(Now in a grave, with the two standing in front of a tomb stone.)

Light: No… This… This can not be…

F: Search your feelings. You know it to be true.

(The tombstone is revealed to be that of James Earl Jones)

Light: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

F: Now do you-

Light: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

F: Now-

Light: -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

F: You done?

Light: Pretty much.

F: Now do you see the error of your ways?

Light: Oh, ghost of Christmas FUCK YOU, how can I prevent this tragedy?

F: Buy me toys! (Beat) And stop killing people.

Light: How about I give you the money to buy toys and promise not to kill on major holidays.

F: Fair enough. (Light hands F the money)

Disembodied voice: AND IN WHOVILLE THEY SAY, F'S SMALL WALLET GREW THREE SIZES THAT DAY!

Light: All right, who the hell is that?

F: It's Higuchi. (A light shines on a silhouette not too far away, revealing that the voice was, in fact, Higuchi)

Higuchi: How'd you know?

Near: Because Ryuk can never get first place when on Rainbow Road in Mario Kart 64 because of Blue Turtle Shells.

Higuchi: Huh?

Light: Just go with it.

F: Any way, I'm out. (F disappears)

(Light wakes up, as he's back in his room. Misa enters.)

Light: It's over…

Misa: Oh, Light! I have the Death Notes ready.

Light: That can wait until tomorrow, for today is Christmas!

Misa: Hurray! (Pulls out walkie talkie) Mikami! Abort! Abort!

Mikami: Delete?

Misa: I'm not talking about a baby, I'm talking about the plan!

Mikami: Deleeeeeeeeeete.

Misa: (Talking to Light) Now, let's have a Christmas feast! We'll have chicken, turkey, potato chips, cake, apple pie-

Ryuk: (Ryuk and Mikami come through the window.) I heard apple!

Mikami: Delete. Delete?

Light: Well of course! It's not Christmas without porn!

Mikami: Delete! (Everyone except Mikami leave) Delete Delete Delete! Delete Delete!

Light: No one can understand you!

Mikami: DELETE!

End.