Chapter 1:

"Gah. I hate this part," you whine, covering your eyes with your hand.

I turn my head to the side to look at you. "Why?"

Your hand flails over your head and your eyes shoot open. "Are you kidding me? Blair and Dan. That is just….uggghhhh," you say shivering in disgust.

"I'm so losing my man card over this," I lament, shaking my head as I shift to look at the ceiling. "But then again, I am laying here watching Gossip Girl with you so-"

"Shut your face. Gossip Girl is the greatest show of our time. I mean obviously we need to switch seasons so that we can cash in on some Blair and Chuck awesomeness-"

"Obviously." I roll my eyes.

"….but there is nothing more therapeutic than my favorite devious upper east-siders on a day like today," you finish sadly.

"You're killing me. Tyler the giant douche was only your boyfriend for like 5 minutes. And you didn't even like him! You called me last week for tips on how to tactfully dump a guy on his birthday."

"That was last week. He had totally improved." You sigh all forlorn, like the world is ending, as you sit up and prop yourself up against my headboard.

I can't stand it. I have to rile you up again, distract you, pull you out of your doldrums. "Impossible, but we need to get back to the more important issue at hand….Blair and Dan. Why is that so terrible?"

You narrow your eyes at me. "I don't get how this isn't blatantly obvious to you. First off, Dan is a self-righteous hypocrite, but even if he wasn't….there's just no chemistry between them, like at all. Blair and Chuck are all passion, crazy love, which is as it should be." You trail off all wistful as if you're talking about you and Tyler and I can't take it. I mean, really?

I bang my head back against the mattress several times. "That's it."

I get up off the bed and reach my hand out to you. "Come on, we're getting you out of the house."

You frown. "Why? I want to stay here and wallow. I got dumped, Edward. Dumped."

I grab your hand and pull you off the bed. "Too bad. We're going out."

A/N:

My best friend totally called me one night for tips on how to dump a guy on his birthday.