Control
I glanced across the room again at Friend Raven and looked away. She was calm, her face holding no happiness; as always. After the Puppet King switched our bodies, I started watching Friend Raven to see how she managed to stay so emotionless all the time – I had tried it, and it made me sad, but I was not allowed to be sad either.
Wondering did not feel like enough anymore. When we first met, I believed that Friend Raven was different, but that she just needed some joy to bring out her happiness. I realise now that I am wrong. Every time I try to bring out Friend Raven's smile, I am causing her pain; she wants to be happy, to smile when Friend Beast Boy tells a joke, but it would be dangerous. I know that now, but I wish that I did not.
When I had told Friend Raven that even a baby could fly on my planet, I was still thinking that she was stopping herself from being happy because she did not want to be. It was terrifying, to worry about my happiness hurting someone; it must be worst for Friend Raven, with such an empty look in her eyes as she looks out of the window and at the sea. Her past is dark, we all know this, but we are still unsure what makes her light dim in comparison to normal humans.
It is plain that Friend Raven is not human, though. No one brings it up, just as she does not willingly speak of her life before meeting up, but even the People of Words have mentioned it in the Gossip Paper – as Friend Cyborg calls the roll of thin paper and ink that is delivered to our doorstep each day. 'A Frightening Demon Amongst Heroes', they had called her on the Big Scoop about the Teen Titans; the Brave Boy Wonder, the Gentle Robot-Man, the Funny Green One, the Beautiful Alien, and the Demon Girl.
As usual, Friend Raven had not said a word about it when she had read it and Friend Cyborg quietly placed it into the old-and-useless-disposer – a metal can just outside the garage. This was all he could do – any of us could do – to stop the never-seen upset cross Friend Raven's mind before she pushes it back, as she does with all other emotion.
Friend Raven is not like us. She does not need to be made happy or experience the Cheering Up. She does not require for me to arrange a Night for Girls or eat the Creamy Ice with her when something is not right. Friend Raven needs quiet company, which I am often unable to give her. This is why I wished to meditate with Friend Raven, but in the end it was too different for me and I knew it would be best if I stopped, rather than talk through it
I do not have Friend Raven's control, and for that I am both glad and unhappy.
If I had Friend Raven's control, I would not be able to fly or shoot Starbolts.
If I had Friend Raven's control, I would not be the one to cause her pain.
Friend Raven's control is a gift for her, and a curse as well.
But I will stay beside her, even when her face says 'go away'.
Because I know now that Friend Raven's heart always says 'thank you'.
