Author's Note: This fic was inspired by Sheldon's line in The Proton Transmogrification.

Disclaimer: The Big Bang Theory © Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady


The battle began with a seemingly meaningless comment from Sheldon, one that ended up hitting Amy so hard she frankly couldn't allow him to get away with saying it without some much-needed repercussions. There were many instances in which Sheldon would say something that would offend Amy, but she'd let it fly under the radar simply because she knew that, deep down, he didn't mean it.

But now, after putting up with it time and again, this one comment managed to send her over the edge, stripping her away of her patience and leaving her with only one goal in mind. She was going to force-feed Sheldon a large spoonful of his cold and bitter-tasting medicine, and he was going to swallow it and see, once and for all, just how much he liked it.

"Are you sure you don't want to go say goodbye?" Amy asked, sitting next to Sheldon on her couch.

He'd been watching old videos of the late Professor Proton, and thus far, he seemed to be taking the news about the death of his beloved childhood idol surprisingly well.

"Amy," Sheldon said, turning to her, "mourning the inevitable is a complete waste of time."

Amy stared at him for a moment, unable to truly see any logic in that statement, and it only brought her to ask, "And watching a bunch of goofy space movies you've seen hundreds of times isn't?"

His blue eyes swiftly looked her up and down, before he bluntly—and callously—replied, "If we were in a physical relationship, you just lost sex tonight."

The words hit her like a blast of cold air, smacking her right in the face and leaving her wide-eyed and stinging. Sheldon promptly turned away and took a sip of the tea she'd handed him, while she stared at him, her mouth hanging open. Did those words really just come out of his mouth?

Sheldon, meanwhile, simply opened another video, completely clueless of the emotional torrent hitting Amy that ranged from utter shock, to blatant confusion, until a sudden and powerful feeling of anger ultimately swept up within her. It was a blind, consuming fury, swelling in a rush of heat throughout her entire body, flooding her mind with a brilliantly wicked idea.

Well, she thought, a devious smile teasing at the corners of her lips, two could certainly play at that game.


It took Amy a few months to finally strike, but when she did, she made sure to hit him hard and unexpectedly, taking it one step further by doing it in front of all their friends. The look on his face alone had made the unintentionally long wait all the more worth it.

The whole gang was sitting around Sheldon and Leonard's apartment. Empty pizza boxes littered the coffee table as everyone enjoyed their last few slices while chatting about what they'd each been up to at work.

Amy emerged from the bathroom, crossing to the living room and taking her seat in the middle of the couch, with Sheldon in his spot, as always, and Bernadette on the other side. Amy picked up her empty plate with one hand and reached for the empty pizza box with the other.

"Is there any pizza left?" she asked to no one in particular, lifting the lid and peeking inside to find that the box was empty.

"No, sorry, sweetie. Sheldon got the last slice," Penny said, sitting in the dark wooden chair next to Leonard, who sat in the armchair.

Amy looked at Sheldon, who had the half-eaten slice raised to his mouth. He paused, lowering it to his plate.

"I wasn't aware that you wanted another slice," he said. "You typically eat two slices when we order pizza."

He was right about that, and, in all honesty, she wasn't even hungry enough to have another slice. Yet, in that moment, as he picked up his slice and took a bite, chewing quietly, the wheels in Amy's head began turning, cranking to life with a spark. She realized that this was a golden opportunity, with everyone sitting here on a casual evening, a perfect chance to get back at him for what he'd said.

And so, with a straight face, Amy dropped her empty plate and said, with the most casual, deadpan tone she could muster, "I'm sorry, Sheldon, but I cannot allow your inconsiderate behavior to go unpunished. I'm afraid you've just lost sex tonight."

Several things happened all at once.

Penny spat out her drink, spraying Leonard's ear with a mist of water, while Raj choked on the mouthful he'd been eating and started coughing profusely. Howard's jaw dropped, and Bernadette screeched out a piercing, "What?" that caused Amy to cringe. However, as she looked at her boyfriend to gauge his reaction, she found herself holding back a wide, cocky smirk.

Sheldon had stiffened and dropped his slice of pizza, though his hand stayed suspended in front of his mouth. "Excuse me?" he asked, slightly breathless.

Amy bit her bottom lip, her heart twisting wildly. Feeling a bit bolder, she leaned in, as if to whisper to him, though she purposely kept her voice loud enough for everyone to hear as she said, "If we were in a physical relationship, you just lost sex tonight."

She leaned back against the couch, keeping her gaze solely on Sheldon, whose skin now looked a lot paler, as if that were even possible. She heard everyone talking around her, trying to get answers, one speaking after the next:

"Wait, so you guys still aren't actually having sex?" Howard asked.

"I can't believe you almost gave me a heart attack over nothing!" Raj said.

"I totally knew Amy was only kidding," Bernadette said.

"Yeah, me too. Totally knew that," Penny said.

"Then why'd you give my ear a shower?" Leonard asked.

During all of this, Sheldon and Amy were staring at one another, and Amy couldn't help but notice the way his chest moved at a quickening pace. Finally, that sneaky little smirk she'd been holding back willingly slipped over her face.

How's that medicine taste, Dr. Cooper?


Sheldon didn't truly react until a few hours later, as she'd suspected he would, after everyone else had gone home. Leonard and Penny retired to Penny's apartment, and it wasn't until the two of them were gone that the unusually silent and stoic Sheldon finally snapped out of it.

"Would you like some tea, Sheldon?" Amy asked, deliberately going about their normal routine as though everything were fine.

"You expect me to sit here and drink tea with you after what you said to me?" Sheldon asked.

Amy placed the teakettle on the stove and turned on the burner, smiling. It was starting. He was riled up, while she was perfectly calm, and she was going to stay this way, keeping the upper hand.

"And what did I say, exactly, that upset you, Sheldon?" she asked, taking out the box of tea bags and opening it to peruse the various flavors of tea.

"That I've just lost sex tonight."

Amy paused, looking up at him. He was visibly tense and agitated, breathing a bit hard, eyes heated. For a split-second, her heart twitched with guilt, but, in another flash of a second, it was gone, and she snapped the tea box shut, determined to stay firm.

"If you must know, the reason I said that was to get back at you for saying it to me," she said. "I realize it was juvenile, but I felt that it needed to be done. Now you and I are even."

"Even?" Sheldon asked, clearly not the least bit soothed by her reasoning. If anything, he seemed to be even more worked up as he continued, "I fail to see why you felt the need to get back at me for a comment I made months ago, one that I only made to discourage you from insulting those 'goofy space movies' which happen to be loved by millions."

"And my intention for tonight was to discourage your selfish behavior from resurfacing in the future," Amy said. "There's nothing wrong with a little negative reinforcement."

Sheldon opened his mouth to respond, but he hesitated, and Amy knew she was winning this battle. His voice grew loud and harsh as he said, "Well, at least I had the decency to say it when we were alone, and not in front of our ruthless friends who clearly can't wait for the day when you and I finally—have sex."

He practically choked on the words, and Amy's eyebrows shot up at this. Sex was obviously an uncomfortable topic for him, and seeing him so flustered and embarrassed like this made her feel another twinge of guilt. Her hardened exterior softened with sympathy, forcing her to relent at last.

"Well," she said, "the point I was trying to make is that it's not okay to withhold sex as a means of punishment, even if it is only hypothetical. Do you understand, Sheldon?"

Sheldon stared at her, silent and subdued. "Oh, believe me, I understand, Dr. Fowler," he said, voice dipping low and gaze penetrating.

"Good," she replied in a steady voice, despite the tiny prickling in her spine. Did it just get hotter in here?

They stared at each other for a while. Even when the whistling from the teapot eventually pierced the silence, they still didn't break eye contact. Amy reached behind her, turning off the burner, while a hint of a smirk played across Sheldon's lips. In the back of her mind, she couldn't help but think, This isn't over, is it?


She'd gradually forgotten all about the battle, as she believed that Sheldon truly had learned his lesson, which she later realized was her own foolish mistake. After all, he was Sheldon Cooper. He didn't learn lessons. He also didn't play to get even. He played to win.

What he didn't realize, however, was that Amy wasn't willing to let him win so easily. The sting of hurt she felt when he put those words back into play managed to awaken her vengeful side all over again, and frankly, if it was a battle he wanted, it was a battle he'd gladly get.

"Sorry I'm late, Sheldon," Amy said as Sheldon slid into the passenger's seat of her car. "I got held up at work."

Sheldon closed the car door and fastened his seat belt without a word, his demeanor icy, which worried Amy. When he finally did speak, his tone was clipped.

"It's fine," he said, which only stirred up the uneasy feeling brewing within her.

"Are you sure?" she asked. "I know how important punctuality is to you."

"It's extremely important to me," Sheldon said. "However, I realize that it was unfair to put you at an inconvenience by asking you to drive me home on such short notice when it's supposed to be Leonard's responsibility. I'm obviously well aware that your career is a top priority that requires an ample amount of your time, thus making it perfectly understandable that you were eleven minutes late picking me up."

Amy was silent, pleasantly surprised by how rational he was being despite the fact that he hadn't gotten his way.

"Thank you, Sheldon," she said.

"You're welcome," he said.

They were silent for the rest of the car ride, until Amy pulled up in front of Sheldon's apartment building. He unbuckled his seat belt and opened the car door, only to pause, turning to her.

"Amy?" he said softly.

"Yes?" she asked.

His eyes searched her, and Amy shivered. It was a strangely intimate moment, as their faces were really close, and there was something warm and tender in the look in his eyes.

That is, until he opened his mouth and said, in another viciously cold slap, "You've just lost sex tonight."

Amy's face dropped. "What? You just said you understood why I was late."

"Oh, I understand it. That doesn't mean I'm pleased with it," Sheldon said. He stepped out of the car, speaking in that arrogant tone of his that she loathed so intensely. "Thus, hypothetically, no sex for you tonight, little lady. Thank you for the ride. Goodnight."

He slammed the car door shut and walked away, and as Amy watched his retreating back, she narrowed her eyes and clenched her grip on the steering wheel.

Oh, this is definitely not over, you jerk.


She didn't wait too long to make her move this time.

In fact, she did it that same night, just minutes after dropping Sheldon off. She'd parked her car and climbed the stairs, and now, she was pounding relentlessly on his door. When Sheldon finally opened it, they both froze. He stared at her in bewilderment for a second, and she stared back, gaze serious, before the moment shattered. He smirked in a way that was so pompous it had Amy wishing she could smack it right off of his face.

"I presume you've come here to beg me to change my mind about not engaging in hypothetical coitus with you tonight," Sheldon said.

Amy brought up her arms and delicately folded them over her chest, delivering a simple and resolute, "No."

Sheldon wrinkled his eyebrows, his smirk disappearing, his hand slipping from the doorknob as he feebly repeated, "No?"

"That's right," Amy said. "I'm here because you were not only rude to me, but clearly insincere when you thanked me for giving you a ride home tonight, even though I did you a favor out of sheer kindness. I wholeheartedly refuse to let you get away with being so ungrateful and condescending to me. So, you take away sex tonight, well, guess what, buddy? You've just lost sex tomorrow night."

Sheldon didn't move, though his eyes widened, and all Amy could do was smirk now, as she knew she'd just obtained another win, and, oh, was it satisfying.

"But, tomorrow night is date night," he said.

"It certainly is, isn't it?" Amy said cheekily. "Goodnight, Sheldon."

Feeling particularly audacious, she gave him a saucy wink, her face bright and smiling. She turned on her heels, heading down the staircase without looking back, the delightful tingle of victory swimming through her veins.

Suck it, boyfriend.


Unfortunately, the battle only escalated from there.

In fact, Amy hadn't even made it out of the apartment building when she received a text from Sheldon that brought her to a dead halt just as she was pushing open the lobby door.

For your unnecessary and irrational outburst in the hallway, you've just lost sex the following night.

She let her hand slip from the door as she stared at the text for a while. This was getting out of hand, but at the same time, she absolutely refused to back down and let him win, and so, she sent her response:

In that case, for failing to apologize to me, you've just lost sex the night after that.

As she was getting into her car, she received yet another text from Sheldon:

Fine. For being stubborn and petulant, you've just lost sex the night after THAT. I sincerely hope you know what you're doing, Dr. Fowler, because I can, and will, do this all night if I have to.

Thus, Amy swiftly replied, in a blunt challenge:

Game on, Dr. Cooper.


By the time that conversation came to an end, Sheldon and Amy had reached a point where they—hypothetically—wouldn't be having coitus for the next three weeks.

Not that Sheldon cared.

Why would he care? It was all hypothetical. It didn't matter. It was the principle of the matter that mattered. It certainly didn't bother him in the least that each time he fired off a reason why Amy had just lost sex, she fired one right back at him within seconds, as if she had the reasons stored like an arsenal of weapons in her mind: You're childish. Bang. No sex. You're inconsiderate. Pow. No sex. You're vindictive. Boom. No sex.

He didn't care, he didn't care, he didn't care!

"Cooper, how's it hangin'?"

Sheldon jumped in his office chair and jerked his head up after having it buried in his hands. The unwelcome presence of one of his longtime nemeses immediately had him grimacing and wanting to throw his head back into his hands, but instead he simply heaved a frustrated sigh as he pushed back his chair and got up, walking over to his whiteboard.

"What do you want from me, Kripke?" he asked, picking up a random marker and tugging off the cap so hard that he nearly hit himself in the face as his hand flew back from the pressure.

"Whoa, sounds like somebody swallowed one too many bitch pills this morning," Kripke said, folding his arms over his chest as he sauntered into Sheldon's office, a wry smile slithering across his face. "What's the matter, Cooper, your girlfriend didn't put out last night?"

Sheldon's eyes shot open wide as he whipped around to face Kripke, whose smirk only broadened. The look of surprise on Sheldon's face scrunched up into an irritable scowl.

"Would you please be respectful and not use such vulgar language when talking about my girlfriend?" he asked. Suddenly, though, his hardened gaze faltered, and his voice grew timid as he confessed, "But, if you must know, yes."

"Ha! I knew it. You totally reek of sexual frustration," Kripke said. "Well, listen, if your woman is refusing to give up the good stuff, you could always…"

He let the sentence trail off as he rapidly shook his fist and threw open his palm. Sheldon blinked, staring at him, entirely lost.

"Throw dice?" he asked after a beat of silence.

Kripke erupted with a burst of laughter. "You're pulling my leg, man! Later, weirdo."

On that note, he left the way he came, and Sheldon, more confused than ever, stood there, unmoving, until his eyes dropped to his hands, one holding the marker, the other the cap. Slowly, he capped the marker and placed it down, before cupping his hand into a loose fist. He moved his fist up and down with nowhere near as much speed as Kripke had used. After doing this several times, he opened his palm, staring at his spread fingers, as if waiting for something to happen.

When nothing did, he grew annoyed all over again and called out, "That didn't help at all!"


The air was thick with tension.

Sheldon and Amy ate quietly, hardly acknowledging one another. There was the occasional scratching of silverware and a glance up every now and then to see if the other was paying any attention. This went on for a while without either of them ever catching each other's gaze.

Truthfully, Amy had been a bit surprised when Sheldon showed up to her apartment for their date tonight. That text conversation from hell had lasted much longer than she ever thought it would. He'd said cruel things, she'd said cruel things, and in the end, he still hadn't apologized. It was all she wanted, all she needed, though apparently, an apology was too much to ask of the high and mighty Sheldon Cooper.

As Amy set down her fork and picked up her glass of water, she once again looked up at Sheldon from across the table. His eyes were on his plate as he chewed slowly, mechanically, while she kept the cool glass of water to her lips, swallowing the refreshing liquid. Growing impatient, she placed her glass down and picked up her fork, forcefully stabbing a cherry tomato on her plate.

"Do you really think I'm condescending?"

Amy stopped, caught off guard by Sheldon's question, partly because it was the first thing either of them had said since greeting one another and sitting down to dinner, and partly because of the question itself. His eyes were serious, a strange heaviness to them, as though holding back pain. She'd said he was condescending as one of the many reasons for taking away sex from him, but had she really hurt his feelings?

"Honestly, yes," she said, setting her fork down. "You always have to be right and you know it."

More silence, though it was brief this time, as Sheldon spoke again.

"And, do you really think I'm unsympathetic towards anyone's feelings but my own?"

"I think you can be extremely selfish at times, yes," Amy said. "Especially when it comes to our relationship. It makes me feel like you think I'm inferior to you."

"I don't think that at all," Sheldon said, so plainly and sincerely that it had Amy reeling in surprise.

"You don't?" she asked.

"No," Sheldon said. "I think of you as my equal, which you are. I'm continuously discovering new things that you and I have in common. Just look at this ridiculous competition between us. You clearly hate losing just as much as I do."

"That's true," Amy said, and she smiled in spite of herself. There was a noticeable shift in the mood, the tension thinning out, making the atmosphere light and airy around them, prompting Amy to admit something else. "You know, Sheldon, I was thinking about that competition, and I've realized that in trying to teach you a lesson about hurting my feelings, I only wound up making matters worse by making it all about sex."

Sheldon stared at her for a moment, and his words sounded deliberate and careful as he asked, "Are you suggesting that by hypothetically withholding sex instead of discussing what's truly bothering us, it only hurt the situation and, in fact, ourselves, by denying us the sexual gratification we're both secretly craving?"

Amy found herself holding her breath. Is the air getting thinner in here?

"You mean, hypothetically craving, right?"

"Right," Sheldon said immediately. "Hypothetically."

"Right," Amy said, though her head was suddenly feeling a lot lighter, and her lips ticked up again as she repeated, "Hypothetically."

There was a noticeably long pause that somehow had a meaningful weight to it, when finally, Sheldon returned to eating his dinner. Amy tried to do the same, but she found it difficult to concentrate on her meal, as she was too distracted by her thickening pulse and the warmth quivering in her body.

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry," Sheldon said.

Amy dropped her fork with a loud clang. Did those words really just come out of his mouth?

"You are?" she asked.

"I am," Sheldon said. "I've realized that I can be inconsiderate to you at times, even if it is unintentional. Regardless, I'll make it my personal duty to start treating you better by taking your needs into consideration when making any and all decisions that could potentially affect our relationship."

All Amy could do was stare at him, trying to find a sign of insincerity in his words, in his demeanor, but she couldn't find a single one.

"Thank you, Sheldon," she said at last. "That means a lot to me. Really."

He nodded, and with that, they resumed eating. The silence promptly renewed itself, but it was much more comfortable now, the way it usually felt between them.

"I'm sorry, too," Amy said before she could lose her nerve. "I never meant to offend you or hurt your feelings. I hope you'll forgive me."

"I do forgive you," Sheldon said with ease, and again Amy was struck with surprise. He was behaving so maturely. It was almost as if…

"Sheldon," Amy said with new found wariness, "are you…only saying these things because you…hypothetically…want to have sex tonight?"

Now Sheldon dropped his fork.

"What? No," he said defensively, and there was a nervous tone to his voice that she swore she'd never heard before as he proceeded to deny her allegation. "Absolutely not. How dare you say that. I don't just apologize for the sake of apologizing. I'm apologizing because I'm sincerely regretful for not treating you as well as I should. I'm certainly not trying to get you to drop this whole argument so that we can release our physical frustrations by crawling into bed with one another and having coitus—hypothetically. What kind of man do you think I am, Amy?"

Amy's limbs felt like jelly. What is happening?

"Okay," she said, her breath straying from her yet again. She was thankful that she was sitting down, because she felt like her knees were about to give out. "Sorry."

"Apology accepted," Sheldon said.

With the tranquility permanently derailed, they finished eating their dinner without another word. The tension was back and heavier than ever, and now, in addition to it, there was a zealous and underlying heat radiating in Amy's loins, a sensation that, unbeknownst to her, Sheldon was feeling as well.


The dishes were in the sink, the table was clean, and Sheldon was getting ready to leave.

"Dinner was delicious, Amy. Thank you," he said, slinging his messenger bag over his shoulder.

"I'm glad you enjoyed it," Amy said. She was absently wiping the kitchen counter with a dish towel, circling the same spot over, and over, and over, until she noticed that Sheldon was staring at her by the doorway, and she stopped, realizing what he was waiting for.

Oh, right, she thought. Of course.

Abandoning the dish towel, she walked towards him, her limbs feeling like lead now, heavy and impenetrable. When she finally reached him, she sucked in a breath, somehow unprepared as he swept down and kissed her with a force so powerful that she reacted on impulse and threw up her arms, winding them around the back of his head, fingers entwining in his hair. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her against him. It was deep and intense and passionate, and then, as abruptly as it started, it was over. He drew back, a loud breath escaping him as he opened his eyes and stared at her with wildly dilated pupils.

Amy, flushed, stared up at him, breathing out just as hard as she said, "You know what? I change my mind. I think we would be having sex tonight. Hypothetically."

"Oh," Sheldon panted. "Good. I'm glad. Goodnight, Amy."

Another lingering, deep look between them, and finally, he released her, leaving quickly.

After the door closed behind him, Amy stood there for quite a while, listening to her own harsh breaths that echoed in her ears. She put a hand to her mouth, cupping it gently, as though trying to savor the tingling warmth left over from Sheldon's lips moving ravenously against her own.

Suddenly, she dropped her hand and found her feet taking her to her bathroom. She didn't think about what she was doing, because if she paused to think about it, she knew she'd back down, and right now, her body was giving her all the signs of what it needed, and she couldn't ignore it. She was newly energized, and she needed to find release.

After flicking on the light switch and closing the door, she had enough sense left over to lock it as well. A fleeting glance in the mirror allowed her to see that she looked as aroused as she felt. Her pupils were big and her cheeks were pink, and the sight of herself only made her breathe out harder.

She pulled open the drawer beneath the sink, hastily rummaging through the contents. When she found what she was looking for, she stiffened, and she swore that her rapid heartbeat had frozen for a split-second.

Fingers trembling slightly, she touched it, the familiar cool sleekness, and she exhaled shakily as she wrapped her hand around it and pulled it out, admiring the modest, but effective, object. She pressed the button on the side with her thumb. It started to vibrate in her hand, the soft buzzing filling the air, and an impish smile spread across her heated face.

"Hello, Gerard, my old friend."


Author's Note: ;)