Disclaimer - Blah blah, I don't own Hellsing, blah blah, I don't own Mountian Dew or Pepsi-Cola, blah blah, I don't even own the DVD, blah blah, read and enjoy!
Attack of the Canpire
Chapter 1
A high pitched scream echoed through the castle of Hellsing. To the normal human ears it could have been mistaken for the cry of a devil, but in reality, it was the terrified scream of a newly recruited solider inside the kitchen. The horrid sight before the young human could give even the most mild-mannered people a heart attack.
"Dear GOD!! What kind of bloody SICKO could have done something like this!?"
"Oh.... God.... I can't even bare to LOOK at it!"
"Sweet mercy... what a horrid MESS!"
"I... I'm gonna be sick!"
The comments from the troops and the cooks continued to travel around as they stood shocked and bewildered staring wide eyed at the seeping sticky liquid before them. The door to the fridge swung like a broken limb as its insides where hastily taken out and spilled onto the floor. A complete mess of punctured cans of soft drinks lied on the floor like empty soulless shells of their former bodies covered in the sugared life fluids of their own comrades surrounding the cans. Not a single can had a drop in them, as if they were sucked dry because the spillage of soda was far too little for the amount of empty cans on the floor.
"Now how the hell am I gonna get my bloody Mountain Dew fix!? The vending machine next to the dorms only has diet!"
"Well, you can always drink the diet drinks, y'know."
"WHAT!? Never!! I've been a diehard regular Mountain Dew drinker and I don't expect to stop now for... DIET!" the flustered troop shuddered at the thought of drinking artificially sweetened 'soda' a company shamelessly stuck the honorable Mountain Dew name to, "I swear I'll kill the damn sicko who did this!!"
A calm reassuring weight rested on the hotheaded soldier's shoulders, "Don't worry Tim, I'm pretty sure you can get your caffeine fix with a nice hot cup of coffee, ol' chap."
Tim the Hellsing soldier couldn't bring himself to turn to the dark hot coffee side and wrenched his body away from the old captain. "There is NO way I can just go cold bloody turkey on my soda and drink... c... co... COFFEE!! It's not right! It's INHUMAN!!"
The balding captain stepped back in shock of his subordinate's reaction to changing his pick-me-up drink. This seemed more like a simple problem. It was an addiction!
"Calm down solider! I'm sure the family psychiatrist can help you out with your... 'soda problem.'" the old man said softly to the twitching man, "We've still got tea and coffee to drink."
Other soldiers looked at the pile of ruined soda as if their pet kitten died before them. Their lips trembled and whimpers came out from their choked throats.
Tim grabbed a empty can of Mountain Dew and crushed it in his hand raising it into the air, "NO SODA!! NO WORK!! NO SODA!! NO WORK!!" he started chanting to the crowd of soldiers.
The crushed soldiers quickly followed the hothead's lead in chanting 'NO SODA!! NO WORK!!' like a flock of sheep. They all needed their daily douse of caffienated sugared water goodness. Not some hot cup of grounded down black beans.
The old captains grimaced at the actions of their rowdy troops. What is it with young men these days? All they want to drink is either beer or soda. It is like if their still developing bodies rejected the holy coffee like black poison. Surely Integra will NOT like how the evening was starting off.
****************
Meanwhile at Integra's office, the leader of Hellsing was aggrivatedly chewing on the end of her cigar. Her butler Walter already informed Integra of the news about what was the poor sounding chanting that was coming from the kitchen. This was so idiotic, why would the entire number of troops suddenly go on strike just because something drank all of the soda supply? If she needed a pick-me-up, a fresh cigar over a hot cup of strong black coffee was the perfect cure.
Integra looked at an empty can of Pepsi that was brought to her desk by Walter as a piece of evidence of the so called 'crime scene.' It possessed only two neat holes together on the side of the metallic cylinder. There was not a single drop in the can as Integra shook the can lightly in her hand. It was as if some retard didn't know how to open up a damn can so he just stabbed two holes into it and drank it like that. How utterly stupid can someone be?
"So, the troops and even the captains refuse to work now? Because of... THIS?" the Hellsing leader shouted while angrily knocking the can off her desk not noticing it didn't make a sound when it supposedly hit the ground. "This is the most idiotic, stupid, retarded reason I've ever heard from those spineless cowards!! Worse than the rookies that thought Celas was a succubus that would steal their soul when they sleep!"
"A succubus? Mwahahah!! The police girl is probably too shy to even hold hands with one of them!" another chorus of deep laughter echoed in the room. Soon a hand holding the pierced can of Pepsi brought itself out of the wall revealing the house's favorite grinning vampire, Alucard.
"Alucard.... Do you have anything to do with the sudden uproar in the kitchen?" Integra glared at Alucard with her icy blue eyes.
"Of course not Master, I haven't been in the kitchen today since I woke up." he made a toothy smirk as he twirled the can in his hand, "Walter has been a good boy today and brought my Happy Meal on time tonight. Although I do wish he would put a toy in it."
Walter only glared at the tall vampire in a similar way as Miss Hellsing. "Hrpm, I have my other duties to finish for the night." he bows to Integra, "I hope this problem will sort itself out quickly, Sir Integra." With a nod from his master, Walter quickly left the presence of the annoying vampire.
"You know, this is an very interesting way to drink a can of Pepsi, Integra. Are you sure it's good for your teeth?" Alucard chuckled to himself.
"Grr, why would I do something as idiotic like that when I can just open the damn can like a normal civilized person? Knowing your ways, you have probably heard what has happened in the kitchen and the status of the troops."
"Ah yes, they've all gone on strike because of a shortage of carbonated drinks." the tall red vampire looked at the twin holes in the can, "If the new vampires have become as naive and stupid as I think, one of them probably bit this can and sucked all the soda out like a packet of blood."
Integra raised a brow, "Don't be so absurd. A vampire drinking cans of soda instead of blood? I have no time for your silly jokes Alucard. This is a serious matter! If there is a vampire attack here, we would be DEFENCELESS!"
This only caused the ancient vampire to grin even more, "Maybe, a CANpire did it! You know, it's like a vampire, but instead of drinking blood like any decent vampire, it drinks soda instead! Hahhahaha!" Alucard tossed his head back in laughter and started tossing the can into the hair and catches it.
The stupid joking by the vampire pushed Integra more and more to her limit. Having everyone that was suppose to be the defense of Hellsing go on strike for a bloody shortage of soda was no laughing matter. "... THEN GO FIND AND DESTROY THE BLOODY 'CANPIRE'!!" she shouted as she threw her nearly finished cigar right at Alucard's head making a perfect hit in the middle of his forehead.
"Owww... that really burns, Master." Alucard attempted to frown but ended up as a grim smirk as he caught the falling cigar butt in his gloved hands. "Will do, my master...." the vampire grinned once again as he melted into the floor in a black shadow.
Integra rubbed her temples as she grabbed another cigar. Her small army was on strike because of soda and her secret weapon was acting like an ass as usual. This was going to be a long night. That so-called 'canpire' better not decide to steal all the tea or else she would hunt it down personally and shoot hot silver bullets down the undead demon's throat. Tea was good. So are cigars. Tea and cigars where the things that kept her happy at times like this.
****************
"Ceeelasssss...."
Celas Victoria mumbled in her sleep within her coffin. The white satin sheets were so warm in the cold dungeon that she had to sleep in. The cushioning inside the coffin was also extremely soft, much better than the mattresses she had to sleep in the police academy.
"Grr... I'm not a... kitten." the young vampire mumbled with the blanket over her head as she spoke out loud to her dream. She grumbled again as visions of her friends used to do to her back then. There were always those times when she would wake up with a nice beauty mask made of shaving cream. And there was that other time when they tied her hair into numerous pigtails and cat whiskers drawn on her face.
A small grin crept across her pale face remembering what happened afterwards. She found out whose idea was the pigtails and whiskers prank. It was one of the new rookies, a lanky young man. His name was Ricky and she got payback big time. After finding out it was him Celas crept to the opposite side of the sleeping dorms with a cup full of warm water, her make-up kit, some old laundry that needed to be washed, and other various goodies to use in her revenge.
Silently she stood over the sleeping Ricky. Oh, how innocent he looked asleep. As if he would never do anything wrong. But Celas clearly didn't care about his appearance right now. She cared more about what she was going to do to the stupid bloke while he was asleep! Swiftly but as careful as a mother tigress carrying its babies, she pulled Ricky's arm down and put his hand in the cup of still warm water. With this, the fellow officer would be waking up in a wet bed. The police girl had to cover her mouth with one of her hands to keep from laughing out loud. She had no time to waste giggling on his misery of waking up to the shock of pissing in bed.
Celas put on her white police gloves as she grabbed the smelly briefs she stole from the laundry. There were a few stains that she did not even want to find out what they came from and holes in the nasty piece of clothing. Gently, she put the dirty underwear on Ricky's head like a new shower cap. His short blond hair poked out of the holes of the briefs adding a little more character to the new 'hat' he wore. Celas wondered if his head would ever smell the same again? Oh, she didn't care if his hair all fell out the next morning. This is was for revenge of making her look like a fool the days before. Quickly, she stuffed a pair of nasty sweat socks she found in the gym floor into a makeshift tie for the rookie.
The police girl grinned evilly as she continued to give her fellow officer a new look. Some old pink lipstick (she was going to buy a new one anyway), a nice big cake of red blush for his cheeks, carefully added green and blue eyeshadow, and various drawings and writings drawn on his face by a make-up pencil. The writings were the best part, some read "Nads Man" and others were "Porn Princess" and "Bob wuz here." Celas couldn't help but snicker softly as she took a step back admiring her work. She was quite the artist when it came to getting revenge. The young woman grinned to herself and started to sneak back to her bed as if nothing happened.
Celas giggled in her sleep at the once lost memory of her fun in the past few years.
"Police girl...."
The young vampire froze. Was she caught sneaking around in the police dormitory? Did someone see her getting revenge on Ricky? Her heart started to race as all these worries came to her at once.
"POLICE GIRL!!"
Celas shrieked and started to kick around as she ran in her sleep but hit her toes on the top and sides of the coffin bringing her awake. The white blanket was pulled over her head. She wasn't in the dorms anymore. She was in her coffin. At Hellsing. Where she worked now. After catching her breath from the sudden scare, Celas slowly lowered her blanket. What stared back down at her was the terrifying head of Alucard with his eyes sunken in and his mouth hanging in a half grin.
"Celasss.... Victoriaaaa...." Alucard said in a raspy dry voice while making his eyes roll back into his head.
The young vampire's eyes widened to nearly three times their normal size as she stared shocked at the horrific sight that hung inches away from her face. She took one deep breath and screamed like a PMSing banshee that just found out that all the chocolate was gone.
Alucard quickly retreated his head from the top of the coffin to try to get away from the ear-piercing scream by the young police girl and a swing of her fists that threatened to break his nose off. The elder vampire jumped to his normal place in the room, sitting in a chair leaning back with his feet on the table but now with hands clasped over his ears grimacing in pain.
Very unlady-like and colorful cursing came from the bouncing coffin directed at Alucard. Walter would have a heart attack and die right there if he could hear the wonderful language coming from their youngest member's mouth. Alucard grinned to himself, this sudden outburst of cursing amused him. Much more than Integra throwing cans of Pepsi and lit cigars at his head.
*THUNK!!*
Alucard winced as the cursing immediately stopped at the sound of a hollow head hitting the coffin lid. The top of the coffin slowly raised to show the glaring red eyes of a very upset Celas along with a nice purple bump on her forehead. Her messed up strawberry blond hair failed at covering the bruise and stuck out at odd angles like some kind of new puffball style.
"I see that you're awake now, police girl. Did you have a nice sleep?" he smiled sarcastically
"Yesss Masterrrrr." Celas gritted through her teeth trying to keep herself from tearing that grin off his face. Oh how she hated the times when her master would think it's a riot to scare her awake with that damned trick.
"Good, now change into some decent clothes. We're on a hunt for a canpire today!"
The cranky ex-cop blinked wondering if she heard what her master said correctly, "A... CANpire?"
Alucard merely nodded to his small and confused apprentice.
***********
And that's it for the first chapter of my first Hellsing fanfic! It went on a little longer than I first expected but I like how it's going so far. Reviews are greatly welcomed!
I just hope I didn't make the characters too ooc! n_n;
Attack of the Canpire
Chapter 1
A high pitched scream echoed through the castle of Hellsing. To the normal human ears it could have been mistaken for the cry of a devil, but in reality, it was the terrified scream of a newly recruited solider inside the kitchen. The horrid sight before the young human could give even the most mild-mannered people a heart attack.
"Dear GOD!! What kind of bloody SICKO could have done something like this!?"
"Oh.... God.... I can't even bare to LOOK at it!"
"Sweet mercy... what a horrid MESS!"
"I... I'm gonna be sick!"
The comments from the troops and the cooks continued to travel around as they stood shocked and bewildered staring wide eyed at the seeping sticky liquid before them. The door to the fridge swung like a broken limb as its insides where hastily taken out and spilled onto the floor. A complete mess of punctured cans of soft drinks lied on the floor like empty soulless shells of their former bodies covered in the sugared life fluids of their own comrades surrounding the cans. Not a single can had a drop in them, as if they were sucked dry because the spillage of soda was far too little for the amount of empty cans on the floor.
"Now how the hell am I gonna get my bloody Mountain Dew fix!? The vending machine next to the dorms only has diet!"
"Well, you can always drink the diet drinks, y'know."
"WHAT!? Never!! I've been a diehard regular Mountain Dew drinker and I don't expect to stop now for... DIET!" the flustered troop shuddered at the thought of drinking artificially sweetened 'soda' a company shamelessly stuck the honorable Mountain Dew name to, "I swear I'll kill the damn sicko who did this!!"
A calm reassuring weight rested on the hotheaded soldier's shoulders, "Don't worry Tim, I'm pretty sure you can get your caffeine fix with a nice hot cup of coffee, ol' chap."
Tim the Hellsing soldier couldn't bring himself to turn to the dark hot coffee side and wrenched his body away from the old captain. "There is NO way I can just go cold bloody turkey on my soda and drink... c... co... COFFEE!! It's not right! It's INHUMAN!!"
The balding captain stepped back in shock of his subordinate's reaction to changing his pick-me-up drink. This seemed more like a simple problem. It was an addiction!
"Calm down solider! I'm sure the family psychiatrist can help you out with your... 'soda problem.'" the old man said softly to the twitching man, "We've still got tea and coffee to drink."
Other soldiers looked at the pile of ruined soda as if their pet kitten died before them. Their lips trembled and whimpers came out from their choked throats.
Tim grabbed a empty can of Mountain Dew and crushed it in his hand raising it into the air, "NO SODA!! NO WORK!! NO SODA!! NO WORK!!" he started chanting to the crowd of soldiers.
The crushed soldiers quickly followed the hothead's lead in chanting 'NO SODA!! NO WORK!!' like a flock of sheep. They all needed their daily douse of caffienated sugared water goodness. Not some hot cup of grounded down black beans.
The old captains grimaced at the actions of their rowdy troops. What is it with young men these days? All they want to drink is either beer or soda. It is like if their still developing bodies rejected the holy coffee like black poison. Surely Integra will NOT like how the evening was starting off.
****************
Meanwhile at Integra's office, the leader of Hellsing was aggrivatedly chewing on the end of her cigar. Her butler Walter already informed Integra of the news about what was the poor sounding chanting that was coming from the kitchen. This was so idiotic, why would the entire number of troops suddenly go on strike just because something drank all of the soda supply? If she needed a pick-me-up, a fresh cigar over a hot cup of strong black coffee was the perfect cure.
Integra looked at an empty can of Pepsi that was brought to her desk by Walter as a piece of evidence of the so called 'crime scene.' It possessed only two neat holes together on the side of the metallic cylinder. There was not a single drop in the can as Integra shook the can lightly in her hand. It was as if some retard didn't know how to open up a damn can so he just stabbed two holes into it and drank it like that. How utterly stupid can someone be?
"So, the troops and even the captains refuse to work now? Because of... THIS?" the Hellsing leader shouted while angrily knocking the can off her desk not noticing it didn't make a sound when it supposedly hit the ground. "This is the most idiotic, stupid, retarded reason I've ever heard from those spineless cowards!! Worse than the rookies that thought Celas was a succubus that would steal their soul when they sleep!"
"A succubus? Mwahahah!! The police girl is probably too shy to even hold hands with one of them!" another chorus of deep laughter echoed in the room. Soon a hand holding the pierced can of Pepsi brought itself out of the wall revealing the house's favorite grinning vampire, Alucard.
"Alucard.... Do you have anything to do with the sudden uproar in the kitchen?" Integra glared at Alucard with her icy blue eyes.
"Of course not Master, I haven't been in the kitchen today since I woke up." he made a toothy smirk as he twirled the can in his hand, "Walter has been a good boy today and brought my Happy Meal on time tonight. Although I do wish he would put a toy in it."
Walter only glared at the tall vampire in a similar way as Miss Hellsing. "Hrpm, I have my other duties to finish for the night." he bows to Integra, "I hope this problem will sort itself out quickly, Sir Integra." With a nod from his master, Walter quickly left the presence of the annoying vampire.
"You know, this is an very interesting way to drink a can of Pepsi, Integra. Are you sure it's good for your teeth?" Alucard chuckled to himself.
"Grr, why would I do something as idiotic like that when I can just open the damn can like a normal civilized person? Knowing your ways, you have probably heard what has happened in the kitchen and the status of the troops."
"Ah yes, they've all gone on strike because of a shortage of carbonated drinks." the tall red vampire looked at the twin holes in the can, "If the new vampires have become as naive and stupid as I think, one of them probably bit this can and sucked all the soda out like a packet of blood."
Integra raised a brow, "Don't be so absurd. A vampire drinking cans of soda instead of blood? I have no time for your silly jokes Alucard. This is a serious matter! If there is a vampire attack here, we would be DEFENCELESS!"
This only caused the ancient vampire to grin even more, "Maybe, a CANpire did it! You know, it's like a vampire, but instead of drinking blood like any decent vampire, it drinks soda instead! Hahhahaha!" Alucard tossed his head back in laughter and started tossing the can into the hair and catches it.
The stupid joking by the vampire pushed Integra more and more to her limit. Having everyone that was suppose to be the defense of Hellsing go on strike for a bloody shortage of soda was no laughing matter. "... THEN GO FIND AND DESTROY THE BLOODY 'CANPIRE'!!" she shouted as she threw her nearly finished cigar right at Alucard's head making a perfect hit in the middle of his forehead.
"Owww... that really burns, Master." Alucard attempted to frown but ended up as a grim smirk as he caught the falling cigar butt in his gloved hands. "Will do, my master...." the vampire grinned once again as he melted into the floor in a black shadow.
Integra rubbed her temples as she grabbed another cigar. Her small army was on strike because of soda and her secret weapon was acting like an ass as usual. This was going to be a long night. That so-called 'canpire' better not decide to steal all the tea or else she would hunt it down personally and shoot hot silver bullets down the undead demon's throat. Tea was good. So are cigars. Tea and cigars where the things that kept her happy at times like this.
****************
"Ceeelasssss...."
Celas Victoria mumbled in her sleep within her coffin. The white satin sheets were so warm in the cold dungeon that she had to sleep in. The cushioning inside the coffin was also extremely soft, much better than the mattresses she had to sleep in the police academy.
"Grr... I'm not a... kitten." the young vampire mumbled with the blanket over her head as she spoke out loud to her dream. She grumbled again as visions of her friends used to do to her back then. There were always those times when she would wake up with a nice beauty mask made of shaving cream. And there was that other time when they tied her hair into numerous pigtails and cat whiskers drawn on her face.
A small grin crept across her pale face remembering what happened afterwards. She found out whose idea was the pigtails and whiskers prank. It was one of the new rookies, a lanky young man. His name was Ricky and she got payback big time. After finding out it was him Celas crept to the opposite side of the sleeping dorms with a cup full of warm water, her make-up kit, some old laundry that needed to be washed, and other various goodies to use in her revenge.
Silently she stood over the sleeping Ricky. Oh, how innocent he looked asleep. As if he would never do anything wrong. But Celas clearly didn't care about his appearance right now. She cared more about what she was going to do to the stupid bloke while he was asleep! Swiftly but as careful as a mother tigress carrying its babies, she pulled Ricky's arm down and put his hand in the cup of still warm water. With this, the fellow officer would be waking up in a wet bed. The police girl had to cover her mouth with one of her hands to keep from laughing out loud. She had no time to waste giggling on his misery of waking up to the shock of pissing in bed.
Celas put on her white police gloves as she grabbed the smelly briefs she stole from the laundry. There were a few stains that she did not even want to find out what they came from and holes in the nasty piece of clothing. Gently, she put the dirty underwear on Ricky's head like a new shower cap. His short blond hair poked out of the holes of the briefs adding a little more character to the new 'hat' he wore. Celas wondered if his head would ever smell the same again? Oh, she didn't care if his hair all fell out the next morning. This is was for revenge of making her look like a fool the days before. Quickly, she stuffed a pair of nasty sweat socks she found in the gym floor into a makeshift tie for the rookie.
The police girl grinned evilly as she continued to give her fellow officer a new look. Some old pink lipstick (she was going to buy a new one anyway), a nice big cake of red blush for his cheeks, carefully added green and blue eyeshadow, and various drawings and writings drawn on his face by a make-up pencil. The writings were the best part, some read "Nads Man" and others were "Porn Princess" and "Bob wuz here." Celas couldn't help but snicker softly as she took a step back admiring her work. She was quite the artist when it came to getting revenge. The young woman grinned to herself and started to sneak back to her bed as if nothing happened.
Celas giggled in her sleep at the once lost memory of her fun in the past few years.
"Police girl...."
The young vampire froze. Was she caught sneaking around in the police dormitory? Did someone see her getting revenge on Ricky? Her heart started to race as all these worries came to her at once.
"POLICE GIRL!!"
Celas shrieked and started to kick around as she ran in her sleep but hit her toes on the top and sides of the coffin bringing her awake. The white blanket was pulled over her head. She wasn't in the dorms anymore. She was in her coffin. At Hellsing. Where she worked now. After catching her breath from the sudden scare, Celas slowly lowered her blanket. What stared back down at her was the terrifying head of Alucard with his eyes sunken in and his mouth hanging in a half grin.
"Celasss.... Victoriaaaa...." Alucard said in a raspy dry voice while making his eyes roll back into his head.
The young vampire's eyes widened to nearly three times their normal size as she stared shocked at the horrific sight that hung inches away from her face. She took one deep breath and screamed like a PMSing banshee that just found out that all the chocolate was gone.
Alucard quickly retreated his head from the top of the coffin to try to get away from the ear-piercing scream by the young police girl and a swing of her fists that threatened to break his nose off. The elder vampire jumped to his normal place in the room, sitting in a chair leaning back with his feet on the table but now with hands clasped over his ears grimacing in pain.
Very unlady-like and colorful cursing came from the bouncing coffin directed at Alucard. Walter would have a heart attack and die right there if he could hear the wonderful language coming from their youngest member's mouth. Alucard grinned to himself, this sudden outburst of cursing amused him. Much more than Integra throwing cans of Pepsi and lit cigars at his head.
*THUNK!!*
Alucard winced as the cursing immediately stopped at the sound of a hollow head hitting the coffin lid. The top of the coffin slowly raised to show the glaring red eyes of a very upset Celas along with a nice purple bump on her forehead. Her messed up strawberry blond hair failed at covering the bruise and stuck out at odd angles like some kind of new puffball style.
"I see that you're awake now, police girl. Did you have a nice sleep?" he smiled sarcastically
"Yesss Masterrrrr." Celas gritted through her teeth trying to keep herself from tearing that grin off his face. Oh how she hated the times when her master would think it's a riot to scare her awake with that damned trick.
"Good, now change into some decent clothes. We're on a hunt for a canpire today!"
The cranky ex-cop blinked wondering if she heard what her master said correctly, "A... CANpire?"
Alucard merely nodded to his small and confused apprentice.
***********
And that's it for the first chapter of my first Hellsing fanfic! It went on a little longer than I first expected but I like how it's going so far. Reviews are greatly welcomed!
I just hope I didn't make the characters too ooc! n_n;
