"I can't do this anymore."
Saying it out loud made it real. Too real. Whatever ambition he had started this journey with was gone now. Edward wondered if his brother felt the same. Did Alphonse feel the same helplessness that he did? Did Al feel at all? The mere thought made Ed want to die. How could he have done that to his little brother? He was supposed to protect him
Al had protected him. He had saved him. Al always saved him- from himself mostly and then from that crazed murderer, Barry the Chopper. Ed would have died, he knew this. Perhaps Al thought that he had saved him from killing the bastard, but that's not true. He couldn't have killed him. He would have hesitated. He wasn't a killer, at least he didn't want to be. He had killed Majahal, and even though it had been an accident, he still felt the weight of the burden. If Al hadn't shown up, Ed would have died, and so would have Winry. What would Al have done then? He was an empty suit of armor.
"But I don't think I can do this anymore." He curled into the fetal position on his bed, clutching his loose hair in his hands. Tomorrow he and Al would begin their journey for the Philosopher's Stone. But it would only get harder. He might have to hurt people- he might have to kill people.
His heart hurt so badly. –But- he thought –at least I have a heart to be hurt.- Did Al hurt when he felt sad? Oh, God, how could he have done that to his brother, his little brother? He thought about it every time he looked at him. The suit of armor was becoming more familiar than it should have been. They had the same eyes, right? Al's hair was shorter, right? He could barely remember.
"Brother? Are you awake?"
Ed scrambled off the bed and dove under just as the door opened. Al stepped in. Why was he hiding from his brother? Because he couldn't stand to look at him right now. He never could, actually, but he would never let Al know that. Maybe he would if he could actually see his reaction, but the helmet was cold and unmoving. He never knew what Al was thinking anymore.
Alphonse had always been very expressive- you always knew what he was thinking. Ed, on the other hand, always tried to hide his feelings. Apart they were very different, but together they were the same, as much sense as that made.
Edward turned his face away from the metal feet of his little brother and closed his eyes. If only he could close his ears as well. He wished he had died trying to bring back his mother. He wished he hadn't gotten Alphonse into it. He could have lived with Pinako and Winry and lived a somewhat normal life.
-Don't cry, Edward Elric. If he can't cry, then neither can you- he told himself as the tears pressed against his eyelids.
"Why are you hiding, brother?"
Ed banged his head on the top of the bed, then crawled out, "I'm not. I musta fallen off the bed in my sleep and rolled under." He grinned, any traces of sadness and tears gone. "You know my sleeping habits."
"Brother…." Al sighed.
Al always knew when he was lying. Ed didn't know how he did it. He had no problem lying to anyone else, or just keeping the truth from them, like he did to Winry. But sometimes she even knew he was lying.
"What? You're always scolding me about my sleeping habits. Sometimes I forget who's older." He lay back down on the bed and stared at the ceiling. He wished Al would leave, which hurt him. It seemed to Ed that it didn't matter where Alphonse was, gone from his sight or not, he was still sad.
"Yah, but you've never fallen asleep under the bed before."
"Maybe I'm turning paranoid." Ed shrugged, then turned over on his side, away from his brother, "I'm tired. I need as much sleep as I can get before we get going. There might not be any place to stay when we get to that mining town." He said, but that was stupid. Of course there would be a hotel or something in a town. It was just a stupid excuse to get Al to leave.
"You're right." Al said, even though he knew Ed was lying. Sometimes you had to let things go with Edward Elric. When he didn't want you to know something, he wasn't going to tell. "But Winry wants to look at your arm and you know that if you don't let her she'll turn scary."
"Yeah." Ed said softly.
Al left, and Winry must have been waiting right outside the door because she came in right afterwards. "How's your arm?" she asked, thinking that it was strange that Edward agreed so easily to have her work on his arm. He usually whined and refused to let her look at it, saying she took too long to fawn over her own work.
"It feels fine. My shoulders are just a little sore from reattaching it by myself." He said, turning on his back again, but kept staring at the ceiling. He couldn't look at Winry anymore either, because she always had this sad look in her eyes. He figured it was because he left and never got to see him unless he needed work on his arm, or if she just randomly showed up like this time.
Winry removed the panel on his arm that protected the wired connecting his nerves. "What's wrong, Ed?"
"Nothing. What's wrong with you guys?" Anger entered his voice.
"Don't lie. We both know that something's bothering you. It's not healthy to keep that bottled in."
"It's not healthy to be so obsessed with mechanics."
And it wasn't healthy to try and bring your mother back, either!" As soon as she said that, Winry regretted it, watching Ed's shoulders tighten, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that."
"Yes, you did, but you're right, Win. It was stupid and look what I did to Al."
"You lost something, too."
"What I lost doesn't matter. It's nothing."
"It's not. You both lost something. You're brothers on this journey together. You need to stop hiding things from each other or you'll never find what you're looking for."
"How do you know. You don't know anything." He said, and right afterwards felt the sting of a slap on his cheek.
"How dare you, Edward. We've been friends forever and you think I don't know? I know everything about you and Alphonse. You can tell me anything."
"I don't want you to know. This is my burden and mine alone."
"You and Al are in this together." Her movements became angry as she worked on his arm.
"Ow, Winry!"
"Just shut up and take it. You think you're such a man now, but you're not. You're 12, Edward. You're still a child."
"So are you."
"At least I know that."
"Damn it! Could you be a little more gentle?"
"If you think you're such a man, then you can take it."
"Stop being such a bitch." And she slapped him yet again, stood up and threw the parts of his arm at him.
"Then you can fix your arm by yourself from now on!" Crying, she ran from the room.
"Winry!" He heard Al call after her, "Brother, what did you do to Winry?" He stepped inside the room.
Ed only turned his head away from him and mumbled, "None of your business." He felt himself being lifted up by the front of his shirt and was slammed against the wall. His head made contact rather hard.
"Why do you think you have to keep everything from me? Aren't I your brother? We're the only family we have left. And Winry is always looking out for us and you don't even care. She takes her precious time to fix your arm when you're careless with it. She came all the way here to see us and you don't even care."
"That's not true."
"Well, that's sure what it looks like." Alphonse let him down, "If you think I'm such a burden, then maybe we should part ways."
"No!"
"Then what do you want, Ed?"
"I don't know." He slumped against the wall. "I don't know anything. What if we search the world for this Philosophers Stone and it ends up being a myth. All that hard work for nothing and you'll be stuck like that forever."
"But at least we tried. That's what's important. And even if it is a myth, there are always other ways we haven't researched yet."
Ed sat on the floor limply, "I'm scared, Al." he said quietly, but he felt as if he had screamed it.
"Of what?"
"Everything." He stood up, "Al…..I've wanted to ask you if…..if you…."
"What? What is it, brother?"
"It's nothing." Ed smiled, "I better go apologize to Winry or she'll never fix my arm."
The helmet that served as Al's head nodded in approval and then followed Ed as he walked out the door. What was it that his brother wanted to ask him? He hated it when Ed kept things from him. But Al kept things from Ed, too, so he guessed it was kind of fair. Like Alchemy- Equivalent Exchange. But he didn't think it should be like that between them. They were brothers and the only family they had left.
Alphonse sat down on the bed. It creaked under his armor's weight. He would wait for his brother to get back. He liked being with Ed, but he had this distinct feeling that his brother didn't feel the same. It hurt, but he wasn't sure, not unless Ed told him. Ed would never tell him.
He idly looked out the window. Ed was holding Winry by the wrist as she desperately tried to get away. It was futile. He was holding her with his right hand. What had he said to Winry? He would never admit it, but he had been slightly eavesdropping. But only slightly, it could hardly count, right? But he had heard his name a couple times. And what was it that Edward wanted to say to him?
"Let go of me, Edward Elric!" Winry screamed and pulled.
"Just stay still. If you keep pulling you'll pop your arm out of socket. It hurts."
"I don't care!"
"You will when it happens!" He gave a hard tug and pulled her to him, trapping her arms in between their bodies. "I'm scared, Win."
"You should be. You've chosen a dangerous path." The anger was still afloat in her voice.
"Not of that. Of Al. I'm afraid that he blames me."
"Oh, Edward. You need to tell him." Her voice softened.
"I can't. I'm not ready. I will, really I will. But I can't right now." He raised his head, "I'm such a coward."
"No, you're not. You're the bravest person I know."
"You're just saying that."
"You're being an ass." She pulled back and took his left hand in her's, "Let's get back and fix that arm of yours. You're going to need it. I'll polish up Al while I'm at it. I'll leave you a bottle of polish. You need to take care of him, you know."
"Yeah, I know." Edward wanted to take care of his brother. He just didn't know how.
It was the beginning of their journey down a path laced with doubt.
