"Tohno, I need a girlfriend."
Shiki Tohno spat out the milk he'd been in the middle of drinking, coating Arihiko Inui and most of the school roof in saliva. "What!?" He coughed, his eyes wide, either from disbelief or his anemia acting up again.
"A girlfriend, Tohno. Don't tell me your hearing's going, too?" Arihiko said as he cleaned off his uncharacteristically serious face with a napkin and patted Shiki on the back. "Seriously though, I need to get one."
"What's with you?" Shiki said weakly, still shaking off the effects of accidentally inhaling half a milk carton. "You've never shown any interest in girls other than Cie- I mean, you've never shown any interest in girls!" He set down his half eaten lunch and looked Arihiko in the eye. "Did someone put you up to it? You better have a good reason for acting out of character like this."
"No!" his friend retorted, his collected façade breaking as he allowed irritation to seep into his expression. "Look, I've just been thinking, alright? And I figured that a guy like me in his final year of high school should be swimming in babes."
"I don't see it." Shiki grumbled as he reclined on the fence. "Didn't you say all the girls in our school are poisonous? With that kind of attitude, it's no wonder they all hate you. "
"It's a style!" Arihiko protested. "Girls love bad boys, so me acting mean should've made them go after me even more!" He shook his head. "Anyway, don't get off topic. I should be surrounded by girls. By all logic, I should be the most popular guy in school. I'm cool, funny, I've got nice hair, and I'm absolutely ripped. I'm so sexy I sometimes spend a few minutes just looking at myself in the mirror naked."
"I did not need to know that."
"Shut up." Arihiko took a bite of his hastily bought bread, the cheapest kind at that, and spoke again after a few moments. "Point is, I should be popular. But I'm not, and that doesn't make sense. It ain't logical."
"What's illogical about it?" Shiki muttered. "You regularly skip class, your grades are barely acceptable, and you're the definition of a slacker. Not to mention your hair's horrible. No one dyes it anymore unless they're desperate for attention. Plus you're constantly saying creepy stuff all the time, like right now."
"Completely wrong!" Shiki's best friend declared, a grin growing on his face. "It's all your fault!" He triumphantly pointed his finger at Shiki, who just chewed on some rice with an eyebrow raised. "You're the one who's chasing the chicks away. Every other day I'm carting you to the nurse's office, taking away from my badass reputation. What kind of tough guy takes care of a skinny anemic kid with glasses? Of course no one's gonna take a lion seriously if he's got a pet mouse!"
"Your logic operates on the basis that people think you're a badass, rather than that lazy guy who poured ketchup in his hair." Shiki said as he finished up his tiny lunch. "Anyway, assuming that this is somehow my fault, wouldn't it be easier to stop talking to me? No one's forcing you to hang out with me during lunch. Actually, I could probably use a break from having to listen to you talk-."
"Nah, it's too late for that now." Arihiko was all business again, chewing on his bread while he forced his brain to come up with ideas. "You're already known as my friend, so if I abandon you here it'll just make me look bad. No, I'll have to do this with a handicap, namely you."
"Some handicap." Shiki sighed and packed up his empty lunch box. "Okay, fine, assuming your sudden urge to find a girl other than your sister who'll put up with you is genuine, why are you telling me?" He already knew the answer, and as Shiki saw Arihiko's face light up, it became obvious that the redhead knew as well.
"I may not have a girlfriend, but I do have you." Arihiko proclaimed.
"…I'm flattered, but I don't swing that way."
"Shut up, idiot. You're gonna introduce me to a girl." Arihiko said, supremely confident in his plan. "I'm man enough to admit that for whatever reason, your skinny ass is constantly surrounded by girls 24/7 while this hunk of burning love over here's got nothing. Maybe it's a gland or something, I don't know, and I don't care. Either way!" He pointed his finger at Shiki again, and the spectacled boy was suddenly tempted to slice the offending limb into tiny pieces. "My lack of a girlfriend is your fault, so you have to introduce me to one of the girls you know! And don't try to hide it either. I know for a fact that you live with three smoking babes in a giant mansion!"
"You mean the mansion populated by my sister and her two maids?" Shiki grumbled. "This is ridiculous. Are you seriously asking me to introduce you because you want to romance one of them? Someone you've never even met?"
"I ain't asking, I'm ordering." Arihiko said. "You still owe me for getting you out of trouble that one time you puked blood all over the teacher's desk. Besides, I've seen your sister. She's pretty cool, what with that high and mighty lady air she's got going on. A real Ice Queen, that one."
"I still can't believe he bought your tomato juice excuse…" Shiki said. "But Akiha? Are you sure you want to date her? On top of being my sister, she's way out of your league. I mean, if you were a local football team, she'd be Real Madrid on steroids."
"If you're my friend, you'll introduce me to her."
"In that case, I'm not your friend-."
"You still owe me."
Shiki sighed, an action he knew he was going to be repeating very soon, and nodded. "Fine," he forced himself to say. "I'll introduce you, but I'm not guaranteeing anything. Akiha's kinda… particular about her tastes, so don't go blaming me when she finds you disgusting and says no."
"Particular?" Arihiko blinked. "What, is she into girls or something?"
"No!" Shiki said quickly. "I mean, yeah, there was that one time I caught her with her hand up an underclassman's skirt, but no, she doesn't like girls as far as I know."
"I think I like your sister already, Tohno."
"Don't make me cut you." Shiki grumbled. "Now c'mon, let's get back to class. No skipping this time."
Surprisingly, getting Akiha to agree to meet his friend was a task Shiki had little trouble with.
"As regrettable as it is, I no longer have a fiancée thanks to your return to this household," the proud young woman had said. "It has been a while since my last marriage meeting, and I was actually thinking of scheduling one recently. However, Brother, if you have taken it upon yourself to recommend one of your friends for the role, then he must be a truly fearsome person. I would be honoured to meet this friend of yours." Shiki didn't miss the way her eyes lit up as she said those words, or the obviously fake sincerity with which she had said them. But frankly, he didn't care. As long as Arihiko didn't end up his brother-in-law, anything was fine. Besides, it wasn't as if she'd actually like his unruly friend… right?
"Okay, she's in there." Shiki made sure to greet his friend at the door on the promised day. The redhead had arrived dressed up, or as dressed up as someone like him could get. Shiki wasn't sure if Arihiko's hair had been gelled or merely exposed to hurricane level winds for two hours, but it looked even sillier than most anime hairdos, and his school clothes were definitely not formal wear. "She's agreed to meet you, so if you don't screw up, you might get an actual date out of it."
"I didn't think you'd be able to pull it off." Arihiko admitted as he grinned from ear to ear. "But your sister must actually be shy if she's too nervous to even step out of the house when going on a date. Looks like you might even be an uncle in a few years, 'brother'."
Shiki merely smiled. "Don't say I didn't warn you." It wasn't his problem. Some lessons had to be learned the hard way.
As he stepped into the mansion, Arihiko felt the temperature drop at least ten degrees. He shivered, hoping it was just his imagination, but it was as if something was sucking the very life from his body. He quickly hurried to the living room, where Shiki had said Akiha was.
When he opened the door, the temperature dropped even further. Arihiko almost collapsed from the strain of standing, and it suddenly became difficult to breath. He could hear his every heart beat, and a sudden fear gripped his body.
The room, which according to Shiki was supposed to be western in style, had apparently been redecorated. The heavy curtains covering the windows tinted everything with a red light, and the pale woman in a crimson kimono kneeling in the center of the room was the crown jewel in the entire arrangement.
Akiha opened her eyes and examined Arihiko critically. "Typical," she said. "I apologize for the arrangement, Mr. Inui. It appears my brother either neglected to inform you of the proper formality of this meeting or I was too presumptuous. Either way, he shall be reprimanded harshly." The temperature sank even more, and the redhead at the door suddenly wished he'd brought a winter jacket. "Please." Akiha gestured to a cushion placed in front of her. "Sit. I shall pour you some tea."
The boy could only nod weakly and collapse as gracefully as possible into the cushion. "Um, it's nice to meet you?" He tried. As far as introductions went, it was lackluster at best.
"Likewise," the young woman replied curtly, not really putting her heart into it. She took a cup and saucer, and began to slowly pour some light tea into it. "I find myself at a disadvantage, Mr. Inui," she continued. "I feel as if I do not know very much about you, while you know everything there is to know about me."
"Why would you say that?" Arihiko asked, too cold to come up with a proper response.
"Because you are, from what I know, my brother's closest male friend." She looked up as she slowly poured the tea. "Your parents died when you were young," she suddenly said as her dark blue eyes locked onto Arihiko's. "You were raised by your older sister. You suffered nightmares for several years, and they only stopped recently. You used to wet the bed until you were twelve, and met my brother some time after that. According to the teachers at your previous schools, you are a slacker, have below average marks, and are, in the words of your third grade English teacher, 'the reason parents should beat their children more often'." She began to pour a second cup of tea without looking. "Furthermore, it appears that you are one who practices truancy, and have skipped approximately 64% of all your classes this year. Your family has no notable bloodline, your hair looks ridiculous, and apparently you believe that a school uniform can be worn everywhere and still look good on you." Her smile was cold enough to freeze water. "See, Mr. Inui? All I know about you is what the several private detectives I hired to spy on you told me in addition to my own observations, while you, on the other hand, doubtless know of all my secrets, since my brother, according to what he frequently claims, just loves to constantly talk about his beautiful younger sister. Now don't you think that is unfair?" She punctuated her words by sliding a stunned Arihiko his tea cup.
At this point, most men would have soiled their pants and run away. A handful would have instantly realized that they were out of their league and given up, focusing solely on ending the meeting as soon as possible. Only a brave few would have attempted to keep their composure and ride out the meeting to the end simply to save face, while inwardly hoping that Akiha Tohno didn't know about all their secret fetishes. But only Arihiko Inui would be bone-headedly, stupidly stubborn enough to think he still had a shot with his best friend's sister.
With a shaking hand he took the cup of tea Akiha had poured him, and downed it in a single gulp. The unexpectedly warm and sweet liquid brought back some feeling to his limbs, allowing him to ignore his own fear. "Y-You're underestimating your knowledge, miss," he said, trying to keep a straight face. "I think you know quite a bit about me, although some of your information is obviously less than accurate, such as aforementioned… bed-wetting." His tongue tripping slightly over a few uncommonly used words, Arihiko set the cup down. "But Tohno, er, your brother doesn't really talk about you much." Akiha frowned. "B-Because he probably cares for you too much to expose your secrets to the world!" the boy quickly said. Akiha relaxed, and Arihiko did so as well.
"Hm, perhaps," the girl admitted. "But my details, wrong? I could understand that, I suppose, but I acquired several of them from interviewing your older sister. I'd have thought they'd be accurate."
Whilst inwardly cursing Ichiko Inui with every swear word he knew and then some, Arihiko collected what wits he could muster. "Nah," he said, flashing a grin. "That's just an older sibling being a nuisance. You know how they are, don't you? Always going out without telling you, doing dangerous stuff just because they don't want to get you into trouble. It's annoying, ain't it?"
"Yes!" Akiha's face suddenly lit up, and Arihiko felt the temperature return to normal as the girl's cold composure faded. "Brother is always sneaking out of the house at night, even when I tell him not to! No doubt he's going to the red light district or patrolling the city in hopes of killing monsters!" she complained, finally acting her age. "And he always just pats me on the head like I'm a child whenever I try to talk to him about it!"
"Exactly! Sister's always bugging me about getting a job, or finding a girlfriend, and she's always blowing smoke from those damn cigarettes of hers around the house. And when I found this really cool pile driver thing in the river, she made me throw it out!" Arihiko said, finally glad to have been able to find a point of information to talk about. Now he just had to keep her talking…
"Brother is always coming home with wounds, and he never tells me where he got them." Akiha continued. "Why, last week he came home with his nose crooked and his uniform torn, and he told me it was just because he fell down some stairs!" she exclaimed, pouting in a way that made her seem very cute rather than dangerous.
"Oh, he didn't fall down some stairs." Arihiko said, grinning. "I pushed him down a flight of them because he stole my banana bread. Then we got in a fight and beat the crap out of each other. Obviously I won, because he's a skinny twerp and all, but-."
Akiha blinked, and Arihiko felt the temperature rise until it felt like his entire body was on fire. Then she glared at him. "Are you telling me… that you were the one who hurt my brother?"
"Um." Arihiko gulped and put on a shaky smile. "Got you? It was a joke, really! I mean, sure I'm way stronger than him, but it isn't like I get into fights with him every week or anything like that, really! Now if we did hypothetically get into fights every week, it's obvious that I would win all those fights because I'm awesome, but we don't so there's no need to blame me for-."
"I shall plunder your life, mongrel."
The last thing Arihiko Inui saw before blacking out was a furious Akiha's hair turning red, and all the warmth and feeling in his extremities vanishing.
"Not the toaster!" Arihiko screamed like a schoolgirl at a scary movie as he woke abruptly. He sat up, letting the bed sheets fall from his shoulders, revealing his undoubtedly manly chest, covered by a slightly charred shirt that he recognized as his.
"What are you rambling about?" Shiki asked from the bedside as he leaned back in his chair and idly tossed a cylindrical object up and down, watching it spin through the air. "Is this an everyday occurrence? If you talk like that every time you sleep I can understand why your sister assumes you'll die alone." He spared Arihiko a glance as he caught the utensil by the tip with two fingers.
"Ugh…" Arihiko clutched his abdomen, ignoring the constant ache all over his body in favour what felt like a black hole where his stomach should've been. "What happened?" he croaked, too tired to spare any witty remarks. "Where am I? Is this heaven?" He looked around as if expecting 72 virgins, but alas, he was still alive and got the consolation prize of one snarky buddy instead. "But you're not sexy…" the delirious boy murmured weakly.
"I'll pretend I didn't hear that." Shiki said without missing a beat. "You're in one of the mansion's spare rooms, having just done the impossible. I didn't think you managed it, but it looks like a miracle really did occur."
"So she's into me!" Arihiko laughed weakly. "I knew it! No one says no to Inui, not even that sister of yours! She's probably already been captured by my charms."
"Oh, she definitely said 'no'." Shiki cut in. "In fact, you could say she said 'no' so hard that you should by all rights be hospitalized at the moment." He slipped the tube into his pocket and shook his head. "I don't know you managed it, but you're the only one I've ever seen who made her so angry and lived to tell the tale. Normally she can control herself, but you must've flipped her switch and then stomped on it a few times, because she's out for blood."
"Ugh…" Arihiko made to stand up as he placed his bare feet on the wooden floor. "Tohno, your sister is one crazy bi-."
"Nope." With a single tap on the forehead the spectacled boy sent his redheaded friend sprawling back into bed. "This one's all you. You're lucky I saved you before you got sent to the next life. So stay here and don't do anything stupid." Shiki frowned. "Thanks to you I had to negotiate. Now I have to accompany Akiha on a day long shopping trip that she's planning on taking immediately, which, again, is entirely your fault, so do me a favour and just stay in this room until I get back, okay? If you need anything, just ask Hisui or Kohaku."
With those words, Shiki quickly left the small room, leaving a still sleepy Arihiko wondering what the hell was going on.
"She was crazy," he told himself, reassuring his bruised pride. "In fact, I probably dodged a bullet there. I'm better off without her." Already thoroughly convinced that everything had gone as well as it could've, Arihiko proceeded to conveniently forget Shiki's warning and rose, throwing open the door so he could explore Tohno Mansion.
Only to run straight into a red haired girl wearing a French maid outfit.
With a small cry, Hisui stumbled back, tripping and almost falling until the startled student grabbed her around her waist, preventing her fall.
"Whoa. Sorry about that." Arihiko grinned as he steadied the maid along with himself.
"N-no, I am at fault here." Hisui looked down and bowed deeply. "Master Shiki told me to check up on you, but I did not expect you to be awake so soon after Mistress Akiha's… tantrum."
"It's fine. I'm pretty tough, so a little sleep is enough to have me up and running." Arihiko said proudly, his spirit not in the least dampened his recent fainting spell. "What time is it, anyway?"
"It is just afternoon, Mister…?"
"Arihiko'll do," he said, looking over the girl before him. "And you don't really need to bow. I mean, I'm Shiki's friend and he never asks you to bow to him, right?"
"Constantly." Hisui agreed, relaxing slightly, although she still hadn't looked up from the ground. "But proper formality must be preserved, Mister Arihiko. In any case, Master Shiki told me to check up on you. How are you feeling?"
"Fine, fine!" Arihiko grinned. "That Mistress of yours is pretty scary, but she's just a lady. I've taken worse from gangsters and muggers." He suddenly winced and rubbed his stomach. "I'm a bit hungry, though," he admitted. "I know I ate just before coming here, but it feels like all my energy's gone."
"Hm. That won't do." Hisui said firmly. "I shall prepare something for you, Mister Arihiko. Master Shiki told me to see to your care, and I shall not disappoint him." Still refusing to look up, she turned in place and marched out the door instantly.
"H-Hey, wait up!" Arihiko ran after her. "C'mon, don't just leave me there! It's boring lying in bed all day. Here, let me tag along. I promise I won't be any trouble."
Hisui paused for a moment then nodded imperceptibly, and Arihiko did a mental dance of victory, grinning as he spotted a new potential conquest. She was being nice to him at least, unlike that absolutely insane sister Tohno had introduced him to, so that obviously meant he had a chance with her! After a second look, it was obvious that all of Hisui's specs were above average, making her a perfect choice. Arihiko Inui prepared for his second turn at bat, knowing that his Casanova skills would be put to the test in the upcoming minutes.
It was actually quite anticlimactic when they arrived at the spacious kitchen and Hisui got to work making food.
"H-Hey, how long have you worked here?" Arihiko asked the first not perverted question that popped into his head, desperate to at least start up a conversation to the girl who hadn't even properly looked at him.
"All my life." Hisui's reply was short. "I came as a child, and stayed as a maid. I haven't left the mansion since then." She lifted up a cabbage and sliced it to bits in an instant with a large knife, then dropped it into a pot of boiling water.
"All your life?" Arihiko blinked. "What, you mean you've never gone out with friends?"
"No." Hisui said. "A few times I ventured outside to go shopping when my sister was sick, but I prefer to stay inside." She grabbed a leg of lamb and sliced the meat off the bone in one motion, dropping it into the pot as well.
"O-Oy, that doesn't sound very healthy." Arihiko said. He looked at the girl before him in a new light. Could she possibly be… a shut-in!? "What about school? Surely you made friends there, right?"
"I was home schooled." Hisui replied. She took a banana and cut it into pieces, peel and all, before throwing that into the pot as well. "I was taught all of the skills necessary to be a maid in this mansion, and thus have had no reason to leave."
"…hey, that ain't right." Arihiko finally said. "That's wrong!" He grabbed Hisui by her shoulders, startling her and causing her to drop the entire wedge of cheese she was holding into the pot. "You can't give up on life like that! You have to live like a human being!"
"But I am a human being."
"You can't stay inside all day, looking at figurines and salivating over Boy's Love anime! You have to interact with other people!"
"I interact with Mistress Akiha, my sister, Master Shiki… and what's Boy's Love?" Hisui squirmed, obviously uncomfortable with being grabbed by a stranger. "Could you please let go?"
"Listen, I know it might feel like there's nothing worth living for, but you're wrong!" Arihiko said firmly, flames sparking in his eyes as his hands tightened. "This world is beautiful! Don't shut yourself off from it! I know that even someone like you can find a place in society! And you have people who care about you! People like-!"
Hisui spun in place, spinning out of Arihiko's hold with movements too quick for him to react to. She grabbed an empty frying pan off the stove and swung, smashing the unfortunate boy in the face with the metal utensil. The impact sent shudders up her arm, and Arihiko stiffened before stumbling back and sinking wordlessly into a nearby chair, holding his head in his hands.
"Ah, my apologies," he heard the girl say. "My hand slipped because I was nervous. Stay here and I'll get you something." Despite her monotone, her voice trembled slightly as she spoke.
"That's not gonna help." Arihiko moaned, his throbbing nose and eye making him feel like he'd gone through several minutes in the ring with Berserker and Kishima Kouma. "Damn, you didn't have to go straight for a weapon!"
"I'm sorry." Hisui repeated. Her voice was as measured and even as always, but she did sound like she regretted her actions. "I dislike being touched by others, so I moved before I could think."
Arihiko moved his fingers and grinned, his face almost perfectly fine save a bit of bruising. Hisui was bowing her head, and he could spot a blush of shame on her cheeks. Success! "It's fine," he lied. "Happens all the time, really. You'd be surprised how many guys just love to go for the face in a fight. Besides, it's really my fault, right? Sorry for calling you a shut-in."
He saw Hisui's blush deepen from between his fingers, mentally congratulating himself on his success. It had been an excellent plan, even from him, and Arihiko doubted he'd ever come up with one that smart again. The combination of guilt, shock, and his selfless words would definitely capture the unattainable maid's heart!
He let his hands fall to his sides and stood up, walking slowly over to the trembling maid. "Don't worry," he said, his voice smooth and gentle. "I know you're feeling horrible right now, but please don't cry. A single one of your tears is worth a litre of my blood." He gently reached out and cupped the small girl's chin with his rough hand, nudging Hisui's head up so that her jade eyes met his for the first time.
"You should look up more often," the man said as he imagined sparkles appearing in the air around him. "Anyone who sees your beautiful eyes would be put at ease. Just from seeing your face I feel rejuvenated, milady, and your tender words have already healed my wounded heart."
Hisui's eyes widened, and her mouth opened. She gazed into Arihiko's eyes, seeing for the first time the man in front of her. His boyish looks, his mischievous grin, his teasing expression. She drank it in, and slowly opened her mouth to speak.
And then she started laughing.
"Huh?" Arihiko blinked as the normally expressionless girl straightened and stumbled backwards, her mouth curved up in a smile, her shoulders shaking from the force of her laughter. She giggled. She snickered. She guffawed. A thousand different facial expressions, each more expressive than the last, each one mocking Inui Arihiko. She clung to the counter for support as her legs threatened to give out from the strain. Yes, Hisui had never laughed so hard in her entire life.
"W-what's so funny?" Arihiko asked , prompting another burst of giggling from Hisui. She finally forced down the uncontrollable laughter for long enough to take a few deep breaths. "C'mon, you're scaring me now." Arihiko grumbled as the carefully built atmosphere crumbled along with any dignity he had left.
Hisui gasped, her insane giggling finally dying down. She let out one last chuckle and looked away from Arihiko, staring at the wall. Although she tried to keep herself stoic, she couldn't stop the corner of her mouth from turning up. "M-my apologies," she said weakly, followed by another bout of laughter. "Y-your face, Mister Inui, it's, ahahahaha!" She doubled over as she caught sight of Arihiko's visage once more, peals of beautiful laughter tearing their way out of her lungs.
"What?" Arihiko made his way to the kitchen mirror and peered into it, trying to see what was so funny. Did he have something in his teeth? Had Hisui really given him a black eye?
No, it was neither of those things. When Arihiko looked into the mirror, the man he saw staring back at him was almost unrecognizable.
A pointed goatee. Shaggy eyebrows. Sideburns that extended all the way down his neck. Spirals drawn in pink on his cheeks, and a circular monocle that extended around one eye. And the crown jewel that completed the image, a gorgeously illustrated curled mustache that would make any dastardly movie villain jealous. A truly classy fellow stared back at Arihiko through the mirror, a reflection gone completely wrong.
All the colour drained from Arihiko's face, leaving his it pale and making the drawings stand out even more. His eyes widened as he remembered the last time he'd seen a permanent marker, and his mouth opened to release an enraged yell.
"TOOOOHNOOOOOO!
