Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, only my imagination
Chapter 1 - Darkness
The room was dark... her soul felt the same... she didn't want any light now, she could not stand it... she was numb to the world around her... her senses were not perceiving anything... normally she would be fascinated by the sounds of the leaves and the branches moving together in the wind outside... nowadays she just didn't care... all she wanted to do was cry... lie on the floor and wait for the tears to stop falling... but they wouldn't... whenever she would catch a breath and calm down a bit, a single thought would send her right back into feeling so much pain it was unbearable, so she cried... and sobbed... uncontrollably... she felt that the pain was so excruciating she would not be able to take any more of it, but her body was still breathing... she was still there... her cells were being given oxygen to survive... but her soul was dying... There was no life in Maura's eyes anymore...
Hours had passed... her body was starting to shiver from the cold... she got off the floor to take a blanket, and went back to her yoga mat to curl up again... she felt like a wounded animal that was pushed into a dark hole and had stopped trying to get out of it, had stopped fighting to survive and was just curled up in the corner of that hole waiting for the end to come... she felt like a little puppy that was left all alone with nobody there to help it, protect it, encourage it... she felt all alone...
Why? That was the only thought in her head. Why? Why did it have to be like this?... why did I open up?... why can't I be happy?... why can't I have love?... why doesn't she love me?... I miss her... so much... I miss her embrace... I miss the connection we had... I miss having her close to me... I miss her lips... I wish she would come and take away this pain... She's the only one who can take away my pain... and with that thought the pain became stronger, overwhelming, almost unbearable, so immense in its intensity that every single inch of her body, inside and out was hurting, that every single part of her being was in pain, her heart was shattered into pieces and she did not have the strength to try and put it back together...
Maura felt too much light on her face, it was morning, her brain was awake but her eyes were not ready to open. She turned to the other side, away from the sun, and curled up in a fetal position... more time passed, she didn't care how much. When she finally decided to open her eyes, the first thing they saw was her yoga mat next to the wall. She did not remember when she transferred to bed, she did not care. She slowly got out of bed and went to the bathroom. She looked at herself in the mirror. Her face was pale and drawn, her eyes... dark and empty, there was no joy for life left in them. She slowly washed her face and went into the kitchen. Everything seemed like it was in slow motion, she took a cup and placed it under the coffee machine. She turned the machine on and stood there waiting for the water to heat up. She pushed the button and looked right through the brown liquid filling her cup. It felt like her brain was not registering anything, she felt like somebody else was moving her body instead of her, her brain did not feel to be controlling her hands and legs. Like some kind of a robot reacting to somebody's push of a button she saw her hand reach out and take hold of the cup. She felt her body move through the room and then she felt a mixture of cold breeze and sunrays on her skin. She sat down in the rocking chair, and saw the cup get closer to her eyes as her hand brought it up to take a sip. Then she felt this suddenly awkward sensation of a liquid filling her mouth. She felt her esophagus contract and the liquid went inside leaving some kind of a taste in her mouth. It wasn't the taste she was familiar with, it was different… everything was different, water, coffee, food... nothing tasted the same. She heard a voice inside her telling her that she should eat something but she felt too sick to her stomach to handle any food, she hadn't felt like eating anything the past five days, fruit was the only thing her body was able to take. She was sitting there, her eyes looking upfront but not really seeing anything. There was a lake in front of her, forest all around; the sun was caressing the surface of the water as the wind was playing with the leaves. This is what Maura's eyes should have been seeing had they been able to be aware of what was around. The scientist in her should have been analyzing the very complexity of human body, using this situation to explain how brain and emotions are so connected that sometimes the brain trammels the emotions just as much as the emotions can trammel the activity of the brain. Yes, the scientist in her should have been thinking and analyzing... but the activity of her brain was being too trammeled by the emotions right now.
"I don't feel it", Jane said quietly looking at the floor. "How I feel with you is different from anything else I have ever felt in my life, it's so easy to be with you, I feel so secure and it feels right to be with you and yet I don't feel in love, I don't feel that crazy love I've felt with other people. I've been madly in love before Maura, and I don't feel that way with you. I'm confused. What does it mean? Why can't I feel those same things?"
Maura was remembering the conversation that changed her life, it happened five days ago. She was now sitting on that porch looking to the far distance, her vision blurred by watery eyes. She slowly closed her eyelids and felt tears begin their way down her cheeks, slowly moving lower and lower as if they were trying to collect all her pain along the way. She felt them leave her face just to be followed by another set starting from her eyes again. "I don't feel that way with you" was a line echoing in her head causing her body to create more and more tears... So she sat there... for hours... letting the tears wash away the pain… Hoping, they would wash away the pain…
