A/N: I don't really know where I was going with this, I just thought it might be fun. Also, I was watching a lot of Scrubs when I started writing it, so I think Tugs came out sounding a bit too much like Turk...sorry about that. This isn't finished, it's about half-done, and I was going to finish it and upload it as a oneshot, but I decided that FOR THE GREATER GOOD!, because we've only got a few stories to go until the Cats section has 1000 stories, I'd upload this bit as a first chapter now and add the second chapter as soon as I can.

'Come oooon' coaxed the Tugger, doing his best to look sweet, and somehow managing to look even more smarmy and conniving than usual. 'Please?'

Quaxo stifled a laugh. He really was pathetic.

'Rum' he said pityingly 'You know as well as I do that this mission is completely doomed. To begin with, you thought it up, which is a death sentence for any plan that isn't 'gyrate at them'. And furthermore, you haven't even got a strategy. So far your idea is 'break into the pet shop because there are hot cats in there-'

'Which there are' interrupted the Tugger.

'How do you know?'

'I can smell them.'

'You can't smell what someone looks like, that's ridiculous.'

'I can. Skills honed by years of experience. You wait.'

Quaxo sighed and let it go. 'Anyway, my point is, you have no idea how you're going to get in there or what you're going to do if you do somehow manage it...yes, alright, stop sniggering, I know what your eventual aim is...'

'But that's why I need you! You're good at all that - you know, planning, strategising, sneaking about, making people think they're alone and you're up on the roof when actually you're behind them...' He shot Quaxo a dirty look. 'You saw NOTHING.'

Quaxo smirked. 'Whatever you say...

Tugger ignored him and continued. 'Stuff like that. You can probably just magic us in there! You do the thinking, I'll do the charm, we'll stick to our strengths. You can be my wingman, chat up the ugly ones for me.'

Quaxo looked horrified. 'I wouldn't – I can't – I mean – I have no interest in trying to seduce innocent pet shop queens! They've probably never been out of the shop in their lives! It's just cruel! Plus' he flushed a little 'I can't – I wouldn't know how. Seduction's not really my area of expertise.'

Tugger snorted in disbelief. 'You're kidding, right? Oh, come on Mistletoes, I've seen you at work, you know the girl-kits all love you.' He put on a ridiculously high voice and widened his eyes, in an approximate imitation of Etcetera, or Jemima, or both. 'Oooh Quaxo, come and play with us! Ooh, Quaxo, you're such a good dancer! Oooh Quaxo, please show us some magic tricks! Ooh Quaxo, you've got such dreamy eyes! Oooh Quaxo, you understand me so well, I feel like I can tell you anything, you're my bestest friend!' Come on, you've got them all eating out of your paw.'

Quaxo chuckled and rolled his eyes. 'Okay. One, you're just annoyed that they spend even a tiny amount of time doing anything other than fantasising about you, and trust me I have to listen to a fair amount of that. Two, none of them talk like that! Well, maybe Etcetera when she's really excited, but none of the others, which you'd know if your interaction with them didn't consist solely of pelvic thrusting in their general direction. And three, that isn't true, and even if, um, even if it was, it's entirely unintentional on my part. I just enjoy their company, alright? I don't have...designs on them. Oh and four, don't call me Mistletoes!'

Tugger sniggered. 'Alright, calm down, Misty...'

'Or that!'

'Fine, fine. But what about you and that Victoria chick? Who, may I say, is a slammin' hottie... You're always together, I figured you were, you know...' Tugger made a crude gesture with his paws. Quaxo looked shocked and slapped them away, which initiated a brief, pointless scuffle, damaging nothing except perhaps their masculinity.

'Victoria' said Quaxo deliberately, clinging to what dignity he had left, 'is my best friend, and a lovely person, so I'd appreciate you not talking about her like that.'

Tugger put on his best pout. 'I thought I was your best friend!'

'I don't know where you got that idea. You are my annoying housemate, and that is all. In fact you're a pompous a-'

But the Tugger was no longer listening. Instead, he was regarding Quaxo with a look of sly assessment on his striped face. 'So' he said slowly 'Victoria not interested, is that it?'

Quaxo blushed a little, trapped. 'No, er, actually she – she said...I mean...' He was mumbling into his chest by now, not meeting the taller tom's eye. 'She is' he admitted. 'But I don't – I'm not really interested in her like that...I just don't see her that way.'

'Riiiiight' drawled the Tugger, his cunning grin widening.

'Right.' confirmed Quaxo.

'You know' said the Tugger airily, as if changing the subject 'It isn't just the girl–kits in your fanclub either. I caught Pouncival and Tumblebrutus fighting over who's going to do some dance with you at the ball the other day.'

'Really?' giggled Quaxo, amused. 'Who won?'

'Tumble. The other one kept falling over.'

'What were you doing spying on the tomkits anyway? I'm surprised you even know their names, I've never seen you take much notice of them.'

'I know more than you think, Mr.-I'm –friends-with-everyone. They don't call me 'artful and knowing' for nothing.'

'Meaning you lurk in the shadows watching the unwary.'

'More or less, yeah. Anyway, I'm artful and knowing, and now that I come to think of it-'

The Tugger leant back lazily in the kitchen armchair he was occupying, and smirked up at Quaxo, who was perched on the arm, half-heartedly washing his paws. 'Now I come to think of it' he continued thoughtfully 'I don't recall seeing you show any interest in any queens, ever. '

Quaxo blushed furiously. 'I don't know what you're trying to imply.'

'Just wondering why that might be, that's all.'

'Look, I might not be as obvious as you, but just because I don't run around wiggling and jiggling at any queen unfortunate enough to come near me-'

The Tugger shrugged. 'Well, they seem to enjoy it, and who am I to deprive them of enjoyment?'

'Whatever, it doesn't mean I...it doesn't mean I haven't...I don't...'

'Haven't Don't What, Misty?'

'Um...it doesn't mean...er...that I don't like them.' Quaxo finished lamely. 'And don't call me Misty!'

'I think' said Tugger, grinning delightedly and completely ignoring Quaxo's irritated expression 'that Misty prefers toms...'

'That's ridiculous! Stop it!'

'No, no, it's not ridiculous at all...in fact, it makes perfect sense! Why didn't I see it before?'

'I don't know what you're talking about!'

'I always figured you were just playing a very clever game with the princesses...but you're telling the truth, aren't you? You really don't have 'designs' on them!'

'No, I..'

'Oh, so you do?'

'No, but..'

Quaxo, speechless with frustration, realised he was trapped. He hissed furiously at the Tugger, only just restraining himself from throttling his now-giggling housemate.

'I'm right, aren't I! You're a total closet case!'

'I'm NOT! I'm straight, I just...haven't found the right queen...'

Tugger chuckled, backing away from Quaxo, whose fur was beginning to sparkle ominously and shift to pure black.

'Misty' he said, 'You're about as straight as a Slinky.'

'Shut up.'

'Misty and Pouncie, sitting in a tree...' sang Tugger, 'K.I.S.S.I.N – AAH!' He dodged a fireball that Mistoffelees, now armed with crackling paws and a dangerous expression, sent his way.

'SHUT UP!' yelled Misto. 'I swear, if you don't shut up I will roast your arse so badly...! I don't even like Pouncival!'

'Oooh, you'll roast my ass, will you? Kinky...' interjected the Tugger, from where he was hiding behind the chair.

'STOP IT!'

'Misty and Tumble, sitting in a tree...' Tugger was almost helpless with laughter, which Misto's enraged expression was only making worse.

'Right, that's it, I'm going to kill you.'

Tugger screamed girlishly and leapt for the top of the dresser, still singing. Below him, glasses shattered as Misto let loose another lightning bolt, his aim compromised by his rage.

'First comes love, then comes marriage...'

'STOP IT!' Misto yelled again, in the direction of the Tugger, who had bolted into a cupboard, out of sight.

'I'll stop it if you come with me to the pet shop.'

'No!'

'Misty and Bustopher, sitting in a tree...'

'Rum, that's disgusting!'

'Come to the pet shop.'

Quaxo let out an exasperated sigh, realising the Tugger would happily taunt him all evening and possibly for the rest of his life. 'Fine, fine, I'll come on your stupid mission, just SHUT UP!'

'Ok, ok...can I hum?'

'No singing, humming, whistling, tapping, talking about anything to do with this, or in fact making any noise at all that's not strictly necessary. Ok?'

'Promise you won't hurt me if I come out?'

'Yes...'

'Because I won't hurt you if you come out...'

The cupboard door was suddenly a lot more...burnt... than before.

'Fine, fine' giggled the Tugger 'that's the last one, I promise.'

'It'd better be. Come on' said Quaxo sourly, turning towards the door with an irritated swish of his tail. 'The sooner we get this debacle over with, the better.'

Well, that was all pretty pointless, wasn't it! There will be slash next chapter. Yup. Meanwhile, reviews are loved and appreciated.

Oh, and if you're confused by the way I sometimes refer to him as Quaxo and sometimes as Misto, let me explain - in this story (and most of mine, actually) Quaxo is his normal name that most people call him, but Tugger calls him Mistoffelees, or related nicknames, all the time, partly just to annoy him. Mistoffelees is his magician name, so as soon as he starts doing magic and changing his appearance to black all over, I refer to him as Misto.

That makes sense in my head, anyway. 0o