the worth of nothing
She sees him once, in passing, out of the corner of her eye - a glance and an instant, and maybe a strand of Fran's hair and a whiff of his cologne. Just a maybe, just a guess. By the time she looks up, startled and nervous and a little bit scared, there's nothing to see except a few normal people milling about and a Bangaa checking his pockets for missing change.
She sees him once, and knows that he is alive.
It almost hurts more than believing he's dead, because all she got was a glimpse.
--
She receives a letter from Basch every week, every Saturday at promptly 11 o'clock in the morning, because that is when the post comes. Even if there's a sandstorm, somehow the post always reaches the palace at exactly 11 o'clock and every Saturday there's a letter from Basch, detailing what's going on Archades, if she should get herself involved, and the occasional footnote from Larsa.
Every now and then, sometimes twice a week, sometimes not for six months, she'll receive a letter from Penelo. These are usually far more entertaining than anything Basch can come up with, even counting the letter detailing Larsa's thirteenth birthday party and the drunken Zargabaath's antics (he serenaded an old woman and only stopped when she threw a shoe at him). Penelo tells her all sorts of things, like the fact that Al-Cid helped them sneak out of the Royal Palace of Rozarria because they left shaving cream all over his brother's bed, or the fact that she finally convinced Vaan to put on a shirt, only to have it promptly drenched in a sudden rainstorm and then torn on a candelabra while trying to escape the rain.
Penelo tends to ramble in her letters, which makes her smile far more than it should (particularly at the illegal bits), because no one ever talks to her like she's just a person (or, more importantly, a friend) anymore. It's always, "My Lady" this and "Your Highness" that. Not Ashe. Always Ashelia. She half-wishes that she'd just given up, run away, and let Uncle Halim take regency in Dalmasca. She half-wishes she'd left and never, ever come back.
One day, seven months after Bahamut crashes, she receives an unmarked letter in a familiar hand. All it says is look up.
She doesn't. She won't.
--
She sets the ring down, and doesn't pick it up again for days. When she does, she looks at it, weighs it in her hand for a moment, and considers the words - found something more valuable. She stands on the balcony holding the ring, and in one fluid movement, turns her hand over and watches it fall out of sight onto the streets below.
It's a pretty piece of jewelry, but keeping it never brought Rasler back, and giving it up did her more good than wearing it ever did. Keeping it now is useless.
--
One day, Penelo and Vaan show up unexpectedly. Penelo has with her a rather pretty skirt and top, which she presents to her as gifts from "The Royal Family Margrace of Rozarria" and then grabs her hand. Vaan smirks mischievously and says that Ashe looks way too sad for her own good.
Penelo drags her back to her own room, shoves the clothes in her arms, and tells her, "Get dressed. We're leaving."
Not for good, mind you, she says, but for today. The world won't end because the Queen got ice cream with a couple of sky pirates. At first, she splutters and protests and uses a lot of big words that she sincerely hopes Penelo doesn't understand, but the younger girl puts her foot down. "We're gonna get you some mint chocolate chip ice cream and haggle overpriced jewelry from grimy Seeqs and remind you just why the palace is about fifty kajillion billion times better than the streets. Oh, and Balthier says hi."
So she goes, partly because she doesn't want to hurt their feelings, partly because she really does want to leave the palace, and partly because she really thinks she might see him in Rabanastre.
And she won't admit it to either of them, but mint chocolate chip ice cream tastes ten times better when she's eating it with sky pirates in the baking heat watching street performers paint her face than it ever did in the palace walls. They're so good, really, Vaan and Penelo. She honestly thinks they deserve better than what they've been given, and she wishes she could give it to them.
But she doesn't say any of this; instead, she laughs and pays the painter and watches out of the corner of her eye for something more valuable.
--
One year and eleven months after Bahamut's crash, she receives another unmarked letter with the same words - look up. She stares at the words for a long time, before tearing it up into as many pieces as she can, because even though it's his handwriting and it smells just like him, she can't believe that he would send her nothing but a letter with only two words.
Sometime after midnight, though, she walks out to her balcony and looks up. An airship flies away, and she can't shake the feeling that she's somehow missed her chance.
She also can't shake the feeling that maybe it's all for the best.
--
One year and eleven months after Bahamut's crash, Ashe cries.
