The Replaced Meets the Replacement
Trapper sat in his tent with a hangover that would kill a dinosaur. For the last three
days, It had been one wild party! A party that was sending the weary surgeon home to
Boston. The only bad thing about leaving the Hellhole that was Korea, was that his best
friend and temporary cellmate in this olive drab prison, Hawkeye Pierce was on R and R
for the last week. Radar tried his best to get Hawkeye back in camp for the big party, but
they couldn't find him. There was a chance that Hawkeye would be back in camp in time
to say goodbye, but it was a small one. It was about 5:30 in the morning. Trapper started
to write a goodbye letter.
Dear Hawkeye,
Trapper didn't know what to write. There was just way too much to say. He
wadded up the piece of paper, tossed it, grabbed another one, and started again.
Hawkeye,
He couldn't do it. He couldn't write the letter. Radar's weary voice woke Trapper
out of his concentration.
"Trapper? Your jeep's outside."
"What? Thanks Radar. Damn it! Damn it to Hell!"
"Are you okay sir?"
"Yeah. I'm trying to find a way to leave Hawkeye a note. There's just too damn
much to say and not enough time!"
The jeep driver blew his horn.
"Come on buddy Let's go!"
"I'm coming you jackass!"
"Well sir, I'm going to miss you. You and Captain Pierce have been like big
bothers to me. (getting emotional) And Colonel Blake was like a father to me. I mean I'm
not over him dying, and now you are leaving."
"Calm down Radar. Henry's in a better place now and I'm going home. But I'm
not going to forget you or Henry or Hawkeye or Klinger or Hot Lips and even though I'll
try as hard as I can, Frank. You got to do two things for me kid."
"What's that?"
"Well someone has to help Hawk take care of the nurses. I mean surely we taught
you enough to manage. And you got to do something else for me. Give Hawkeye a kiss
for me and tell him I'm sorry."
"Yes sir. Well I guess I better let you go. I've got to get at least fifteen minutes
sleep before Major Burns drags me out of bed."
"Do me another favor?"
"Sure."
"Tell Frank to buzz off!"
"I'll try sir."
"Goodbye Radar."
"Goodbye Trapper."
The ride to Kempo was a boring one. The whole time, Trapper felt like shit
because he didn't leave his best friend a goodbye note. But at least he was going home.
When he got to Kempo, he went to the MATS office and found out that his plane was
late. He yelled at the Sergeant in the main office.
"What the Hell do you mean my plane is late?"
"I'm sorry sir, this happens sometimes."
"Probably a bunch of union pilots! Damn it all! I don't know if I'm upset that I
could have waited a few more minutes on Hawkeye or if I'm mad that I'll have to wait
that much longer to see my wife and kids!"
"We have an Officer's Club sir if you would like to wait in there for your flight."
"Yeah thanks."
Trapper went to the Officer's club to wait for his flight. He ordered a gin and
tonic. As he drank the beverage, he couldn't help but think about the many times he
swilled bathtub gin the last year with Hawkeye and the gang of the 4077th. He thought
about all the nurses they chased, all the poker games they played, all the Hell they raised,
and all the pranks and fast ones they pulled on Henry. Poor Henry.
Damn it! I wish he would have made it home.
With a tear in his eye Trapper raised his glass and said aloud:
"Here's to you Henry."
"Who's Henry?"
Trapper turned around and gazed upon the young man at the door of the club. He
was a tall man with blonde hair in a dress uniform. He could tell by his jewelry that he was
a Captain and a medical man.
"Oh no one."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to impose."
"It's okay Captain. I was just enjoying a farewell drink."
"Going stateside?"
"Yep! For good! The next war I'm going to fight is with my wife! You just come
over?"
"Afraid so. So what's it like over here?"
"It sucks! I got an ulcer while I was here!"
"You seem to be taking it well?"
"It's long gone now. That was about six months ago. I'm sorry Captain. I don't
mean to ruin your expectations or anything, but you will find out sooner than later that
this damn Hellhole sucks!" The only thing that you'll be looking forward to is the day you
get the Hell out of here!"
"I'll drink to that!"
"Bartender! Get my new friend a drink! We have to get you started on your ulcer!
So where are you from?
San Francisco. Mill Valley to be accurate. How about you?"
I'm from Boston. Are you a family man Captain? I don't mean to pry, I just saw
your ring."
"It's okay. I'm a newlywed and a new father."
"Boy or a girl?"
"A girl. I miss her and my wife already."
"Well congratulations."
"How about you?"
"I have a wife and two girls. I can't wait to go home and see them. Can I give you
some advice Captain?"
"Sure."
"I've got something of a guilty conscience. While I've been here, I haven't exactly
faithful to my wife."
"I'm just a doctor not a chaplain friend."
"I know. But just let me give you a piece of advice from an old warhorse to the
new stud. Don't do it. I mean I have been away from my family for a long time, and every
time that I fooled around with a girl over here I hated myself a hundred times more than
before. I hope that I can just look at and forget all about it. I just want to forget about
everything over here. Well not everything."
"Captain, your flight is ready."
"Well Captain. I got to go."
"Have a good flight Captain."
"Not anymore I'm not. It's going to be plain old doctor from now on. But let me
give you some advice. When you leave this place, don't forget to say goodbye. Goodbye
Captain."
"Goodbye doctor."
As Trapper and BJ shook hands, they both felt a common unexplained bond with
the other. Something that went a little bit beyond they're conversation in the O-club. The
weary curly headed Bostonian hoped that the Captain wouldn't have to spend an eternity
in this Hellhole like he did, while the Fresh faced San Franciscan hoped the doctor could
put his life together back home.
BJ finished his drink and left out of the Officer's club ten minutes later. H e found
a short looking young man in green fatigues.
"Are you Captain Honeycutt?"
"I hope so. Otherwise I'm wearing the wrong underwear."
"Um well I'm Corporal O'reilly. I'll be taking you back to the 4077th."
"Lead the way Corporal."
"You can call me Radar. There's Captain Pierce! Captain Pierce! Captain Pierce!
Hawkeye!"
"Ten minutes! Ten lousy minutes! I missed Trapper by ten minutes!"
"I'm sorry Hawkeye. You drove as fast as you could! This is Captain Honeycutt,
Trapper's replacement."
"Hi how are you Captain!"
"It's BJ actually."
"Hi BJ."
And so the replaced left and the replacement arrived, neither knowing who they
were.
