A/N: I've written several "when Deacon found out about Maddie" stories – from him finding out when Rayna went to the cabin to tell him she was pregnant to six weeks after Maddie was born to when she was seven – as have others. But I was rewatching some of season one and was struck by how conflicted Rayna was when she got back together with Deacon and how she alternately pushed him away and pulled him back. And then the pressure from Teddy and Tandy to keep the secret. So I thought "what if she just swallowed her fear and told him the truth then?" That's what this story is about.
Liam walked Rayna to her limo and kissed her on the cheek. "See you at the airport, first thing in the morning?" he asked.
She nodded. "Good night," she said. If he noticed anything different about her, he didn't act like it. He waited until she was in the car and then he closed the door. He lifted his hand in a wave and she waved back. The car pulled away and she was alone with her thoughts.
The exchange with Deacon had ended awkwardly, with Liam showing up just as Deacon had told her he wasn't over her. She hadn't known quite what to say and Liam had kind of saved her. Deacon didn't have to tell her he still wanted her – she'd known that for the last fourteen years. She had pushed down her own feelings for all those years, until that night at the Bluebird, when it all kind of came out in that song.
She knew, deep down inside, that she loved Deacon, but she'd decided so long ago that she couldn't open herself up to that kind of pain again. Even if he was sober, all these years, he was still an alcoholic. Coleman had told her a million times that he was always just one disappointment or heartbreak away from taking a drink. And then another, and another. She couldn't do that to him, to herself. But standing there, listening to him tell her that the "thing" between them was still there – well, she knew he was right. Her heart was beating so hard she was surprised he couldn't see it. For a moment she'd felt like she couldn't breathe and then Liam came up and Deacon turned to look at him and it had given her that couple of seconds to recover.
She reminded herself, yet again, as the limo glided through the empty streets of Nashville, that she couldn't do this to herself again. It was a risk, going back to Deacon, one she'd decided already she wasn't willing to take. There was always the chance he could disappoint her and, if it happened one more time, she just knew it would be the death of her.
She took a deep breath and forced herself to think about white sand and blue ocean and the warmth of the sun and the hotness that was Liam McGuiness.
She was standing in the guest bedroom at Tandy's townhouse. Tandy was asleep, so she tried to be quiet. Her suitcase was open on her bed and she was sorting through the clothes she had with her, looking for something to take to St. Lucia. She decided she could buy what she didn't have and that she probably wouldn't have the need for many clothes, anyway. She shivered as that thought ran through her head. She rolled her eyes. I'm just nervous. It's been a long time since I've done anything like this. Of course, she really had never done anything quite like this.
Then Deacon's face popped into her head. The way he'd looked at her, just before she left. She swallowed hard. Her heart hurt. She stopped what she was doing and sat on the bed. Why am I doing this? She felt like she was going to cry and so she started breathing in and out, slowly. Why am I doing this?
She got up from the bed and threw everything into her suitcase and snapped it shut. She grabbed up her purse and pulled out the handle on her suitcase and headed for her car.
The last thing she did before she got out of her car was to send a text that she knew would not be well-received. Her album was only half finished and this could be career suicide. But she had finally decided to follow her heart and her heart led her to this unassuming stone bungalow on a quiet street in East Nashville. She stood on the sidewalk and looked up at the house. A light was glowing yellow in the living room window. She'd lived in this house once and it still held a special place in her heart.
She wrestled with her thoughts, wondering if she was doing the right thing. But she'd already made one choice, now it was time to make the other choice. The one her heart was telling her it was time to make. So she walked up the steps, hoping that when she'd seen his girlfriend stalk off, before he confessed his feelings to her, that was the end of that. It occurred to her that she could end up looking very foolish in just a few minutes, but she thought it was a risk worth taking.
And so she'd stood at that door and looked up into that face that she'd loved for more than half her life and told him she loved him, that she'd never not loved him. For a minute she thought he was going to let her leave, but he called her back and she flew into his arms.
The moon wasn't quite full, but it was a clear night and its position in the sky meant that there was a bright silvery light in Deacon's bedroom, light enough that they could see each other's faces. He lay facing her, running his hand over her hair, with a look on his face that said he couldn't quite believe she was really there. He touched her lips with his thumb. "I feel like I'm dreaming," he said.
She smiled at him. "I feel like I'm dreaming too," she responded. "But it's real. We're real."
"I never gave up hope, Ray. But I was starting to think maybe…."
She shook her head. "I think it was meant to happen. I just don't think we knew the time or place."
"What changed?"
She leaned in and kissed him gently. "You," she said with a tiny smile. "You were right. When you said this thing between us was always there. I think I knew it the night we sang at the Bluebird, but, you know, things were different then."
He frowned slightly. "Teddy."
She nodded. "Yeah. And me too. I was trying so hard to not feel all those things. Because there'd always been all that pain. But you've changed. I can see it."
He smiled and then leaned in to kiss her. "I done it for you, Ray. I'll always do it for you."
She reached her hand up and ran it through his hair, looking intently into his eyes. She bit her lip and then he moved his hand to her waist, pulling her in close, covering her mouth with his. The night was not yet over.
The phone calls the next morning, about the CMA's, kind of broke the moment, so Deacon and Rayna got out of bed and he headed to the kitchen to make good on his promise of breakfast. She smiled coyly at him, as he walked out of the room, and went to the closet to look for a shirt she could wear. She smiled at all the plaid shirts on hangers and plucked one out and put it on. She was getting ready to close the closet door when something on the closet shelf caught her eye.
She felt a lump in her throat as she reached up and pulled down a very old straw hat, with a red and white bandana tied around it. She breathed out. It was the hat he'd bought her on their trip to Mexico, back just after she'd gotten her record deal. They'd been out on the west coast, doing a show in San Diego, and had a couple free days. They'd rented a car and driven down to a little beach town about fifty miles down the coast. They'd stayed in a little beachside motel, very bare bones, with sheets that felt like sandpaper, and a rattling window air conditioning unit. They'd written 'Postcard from Mexico' there. She hadn't realized she'd left this hat behind when she left for the last time or that he'd kept it all these years.
She sighed and put it back where she'd found it and then headed out for the kitchen.
After they'd eaten surprisingly good eggs – "you can cook!" she'd said, laughing with surprise – they curled up together on his couch. She sighed happily, then looked at him with a smile. "Will you sing for me?" she asked.
He kissed her, his lips lingering for just a second. "Sure," he said, with a smile. "What do you want to hear?"
She shrugged. "Something you wrote. Something maybe I haven't heard."
He winked. "You know everything I write is about you," he said.
She smiled at him and rubbed his arm. "I know."
He reached for his guitar and sat back against the couch, thinking for a moment about what he wanted to play. He bit his lip and when he looked at her, she thought his eyes had a touch of sadness in them.
Her hat is hanging by the door / The one she bought in Mexico / It blocked the wind, it stopped the rain / She'd never leave that one / So, she can't be really gone
The shoes she bought on Christmas Eve / She laughed and said they called her name / It's like they're waiting in the hall / For her to slip them on / So, she can't be really gone
I don't know when she'll come back / She must intend to come back / I've seen the error of my ways / Don't waste the tears on me / What more proof do you need / Just look around the room / So much of her remains
Her book is lying on the bed / The two of hearts to mark her page / Now who could ever walk away at chapter 21 / So, she can't be really gone
Just look around this room / So much of her remains
Her book is lying on the bed / The two of hearts to mark her page / Now who could ever walk away / With so much left undone / So, she can't be really gone / No, she can't be really gone
When he finished, he took a deep breath and looked over at her. Her eyes were a little shiny and a lot sad. He gave her a small smile. "I didn't mean to make you cry, Ray," he said.
She shook her head. "That was really nice," she said softly. "When did you write it?"
He looked away and ran his hand over his mouth, breathing in. "After you moved out. That last time. 'Cept you took everything." Then he looked back at her, pain in his eyes.
She rested her head on his shoulder and then turned it up to look at him. "Except that I left my hat here," she said quietly. He just looked at her. "I found it. In your closet." He looked away again. "I guess I forgot to take that."
He shook his head and looked back at her. "It was in the back of the closet. I actually didn't find it right away." He gave her a quick smile. "But it's true. You did intend to come back. Just took a while."
She smiled and then leaned in to kiss him. "I think you must be right." She lightly bit her lip. "This just feels right, Deacon. Like we've got it all worked out now."
He nodded. "Yeah." He sighed. "I can be the man you need me to be now, Ray. I just want you to know that."
She smiled and kissed him. "I do know that." She sat up then. "I need to get home now, though. I've got the girls starting today, and I've got a lot to do before they get home this afternoon. Plus I need to meet Bucky at Sound Check." She gave him a teasing look. "That's what he was calling about. Well, that and to congratulate me."
He reached for her hand and ran his thumb over the back of it. "Maybe I'll see you there," he said. She raised her eyebrows. He rolled his eyes. "Rehearsal. No rest for Juliette's band."
She laughed, then walked into his bedroom to dress. When she came back out, he was waiting for her and she put her hands on his face, drawing him in for a long kiss. Then she smiled and looked into his eyes. "I loved this. And I love you," she said, her voice low and soft.
He smiled back, putting his hands around her waist. "Me too," he said. "See you tonight?"
She screwed up her face. "I've got the girls, so I don't know. I don't want to surprise them the way Teddy did." Then she smiled. "We'll figure something out though."
It was as she was driving home that Rayna finally really thought about the implications of her relationship with Deacon. Could she protect the secret about Maddie? Was it wise to do so? In the heat of the passion, it was easy to forget anything except for her and Deacon and being together again…finally. But, as she told Tandy, in the cold light of day, she knew this was all so much more complicated than she'd ever considered.
"You're playing with fire, Rayna," Tandy said. "Have you thought about how you're going to handle all this?"
Rayna sighed. "Not really. I guess I just sort of didn't consider it at all, actually. I got caught up in the moment."
Tandy shook her head. "You've always led with your heart. And that's what gets you in trouble. It's why you ended up pregnant in the first place." She could see that Rayna wanted to protest, so she held up her hand. "Just listen to me a minute. I know you're gonna do whatever you're gonna do, but just think about the implications." Then her voice softened. "This is a really big deal, sweetheart. If you decide to continue this 'relationship' with Deacon, you have to consider the fallout. What about Maddie? Are you going to tell him? Are you going to tell her? After all this time? And what about Teddy?" She put her hand on her sister's. "Just think about it, babe."
Rayna took a deep breath, then looked away. "I know," she said. "I've got a lot to think about. How to handle things." She sighed and looked back at Tandy. "Maybe I should never have done this in the first place."
Tandy raised her eyebrows. "Well, you've opened that can of worms already, so it's a little late for that regret." She waved off Rayna as she saw her open her mouth to respond. "Look, I'm late for a meeting, so we'll talk later, okay?"
"Oh, okay," Rayna said, as she watched her sister fly out of the house. She hadn't had a chance to correct her sister's misinterpretation of what she'd said. She'd have to do that later, she supposed. What she was really thinking was that she probably shouldn't have agreed to keep Maddie a secret from Deacon at all.
The song I used in this chapter is called "Can't Be Really Gone", by Tim McGraw. I heard the songwriter, Gary Burr, do this song the other night at the Bluebird and I was struck by the very first line, making reference to a hat from Mexico. As I listened to the words, I thought that it could have been a song Deacon wrote for Rayna, during that time that every song was about her, and so I decided to use it.
