I cannot forget the worst evening of my life for no matter what I do I can't keep out of my mind. Worst I feel all of the memories that I had once declared the best days of my life like the day I met Lune or the day I brought home an excellent report card were starting to fade. I cannot even remember the exact details of those days. Why does the great God above do things like this? When my father followed his destiny I had no one to turn to.
I liked being alone most of the time. When I was alone I could do anything I wanted. I used the time to imagine what it be like to be a grand hero, princess and even a villain. But every time I step outside I was shown that I wasn't any of those things. I had neither great riches nor power to be a princess. But being an actual villain like my story said so was even more unlikely. True I often admired their strength and power to show that they couldn't push around by anyone. Also they show gave an opportunity to show the hero that they had flaws. However I couldn't let a bunch of children chase around a poor duck nor a trip over a puppy without petting it and apologizing no matter how much I imagined doing otherwise.
On the other hand I was not meant to be a hero either. When I saw the prisoner guards bashing a gypsy man's brains out with a crowbar I at first approached them. But when I looked the man's wounds bleeding like pear that been crushed I attempted to turn away and tell the guards to stop. However when I did that when stared the guards' eyes I felt like my stomach had become a hole, which was sucking everything within me out. Their eyes conveyed an emotion I still cannot pinpoint. I should have done what I was going to do in the first place. Instead I told them weakly to stop that they laughed off. For what they do have to fear from a girl with no battle training and no real power over them?
As I walked away I turned around to see if the man was staring at me. It would have been good if he had eyes to see me through. They were just hollow sockets with blood coming out even more than on his body. But that's not what truly scared me. I took a deeper look into those black night sockets and felt that they were looking into my very soul. The minute I realized that I ran back to the Church without stopping for anything.
When reflect on that it makes want to hate myself. What kind of a holy girl turns a way from someone in need? What if I was in that man's place? What if I was the one bleeding their eyes out and constantly feeling the hard metal against my body? I would want someone to rescue me and share his or her hope with me. Everyone else at Church probably I was too young to have done anything that it was my father's for letting see things like. I too believed I really couldn't anything to lessen that man's suffering. I had tried myself with this and it worked a little. But if I saw someone who reacted the same as me I would think they were horrible people with no sense of decency. And now I was one of them.
My first thought that most of the people in royal families would be happy to see what I did. But soon remember that villains in the history books loved seeing the pain and suffering of others. They like seen visions of blood and death where every they went. The sound screaming didn't bother them instead they wanted more of it. No I wasn't a monster yet but what I was something even worst: a coward.
They say that people who simply watch as the monsters did their doing were just as bad as they are. I used to think that too. That we should feel bad for them but not too much because I always believed that they had a choice and they chose wrong and had to face the consequences. Even after learning the existence of the Book of Legends I felt no sympathy for them. Until now I had become one of them. I knew that if I told anyone in the Church who wasn't my father they would just say 'you need to rethink your ideas of right and wrong'. But I didn't want to I hated it there was no clear-cut line between those things. When that happened I was always afraid I would chose the wrong decision. The grey areas of morality were something I couldn't comprehend and showed that I wasn't ready to grow up.
Anyways I was sitting on my desk trying to figure out linear functions. But some how the magic of my mind's power to get the correct answers had disappeared. I finally just gave and settled for the ones I had gotten.
I didn't want to do something that required precision right now. I just wanted to shut myself from the world pretend was somewhere else, in a different place or time. I picked a book that I had been reading for awhile. It was about a place where books themselves were burned and the people who kept them were severely punished. But there was a young man discovered the true meaning of those volumes and was determined to show people that and stop the fires. I loved imagining me as one of the fighters who dared to read and go against the king. However the kingdoms in that book seemed to on a brink of very deadly war that could leave few survivors. The surprising was that barely anybody except and his true friends cared about that. The wives and lovers there didn't even feel bad when their husbands or children died and they weren't villains or rebels. They had been Royals.
Ha I thought that goes to show much 'goodwill they really had'.
Then I thought about how much I didn't want to read this book at first. It had been Ever After High's homework before school even though that was years away. It wasn't because I didn't love reading. No it was because I didn't want to meet the criteria of people how want to be something we are not. They don't know you or your struggles yet we could all disappear the Earth as long as they had what they wanted. Also I was reading another book that they probably would not approve of. But the book was one of things of the royals got right.
Just then for there the Archdeacon David came to me.
"Maria, I need you to give hope to a family. Please do it, I don't trust your adopted father to perform it," he said desperately.
Months ago I would have gladly taken the chance to show off. But now I was enjoying the time I didn't have to listen to my father scream at someone or hearing my brother's cries. They reminded how trapped I was. It was like I was tied to a chair and every time I pulled on the ropes to free myself they get tighter.
I wanted to say no and to leave me alone but I reluctantly said yes went down the stairs to meet these visitors. They were a woman and her son. The woman wasn't what you would call pretty. She was a little bit beefy and her hair looked shaggy. But in general she seem like she sacrificed a lot to come here. When she saw me she frowned and said to David "WE came all the way here for the judge to help us, not some little girl."
I should have felt angry and wanting to hit something. But instead I felt nothing. All wanted to do was to sit back and try to fly myself out of here. I was drained.
Before David could answer a little voice said" you don't want to talk to him".
I saw a girl about 7 at the most coming towards. I knew whom it was, Evie the orphan who stopped by at times to pray. All the times I looked into her eyes they had been so lively and full wanting. This time though her eyes were dull and empty. Empty not of emotion but it was as if someone had taken her soul and left nothing there except a blank picture where the colors used to be. I didn't like that anymore than the blue mark above her eye when my father took out one of his fits on her.
"AND why is that" the woman barked.
"He's mean," she said in monotone almost creepily.
She went and left to go outside.
I stare at the boy at the woman's side. He was pale with brown hair sticking out in all directions. He had Evie's face that she had come here with. Only I could see that his eyes were empty because of disease.
I knew what I had to do. I recited how they should pray and made a cross on the boy's head with holy water that came from the fountains. As they were about to pray I told that there was no correct way of asking the God or his angels for something. They just had to get their message through.
During their prayers my heart began to feel warm again. I glowed with more happiness than I had for months. I help a sick little boy ask God for something and I didn't mess up. I decided that even if things became worst in the Church memories like this would keep me going. Almost nothing could stop the way I was feeling right now. Almost. That night was also the night my father's soul completely left his body.
